If you are new to my website, I highly recommend reading a few of my previous posts before reading this post about deciding to have an only child. They are long, but this post will make more sense if understood in the proper context. You will not fully understand my perspective or the path I have walked in this area otherwise.
Please also note that I wrote this in 2007. If I were to write it today, I would write it differently. But I have opted not to edit it because it reflects where I was at the time when I wrote it. I hope to do some more writing about having an only child at some point. I’ve learned a lot along the way.
I hope you find these posts encouraging if you are going through your own season of infertility or choosing whether or not to have an only child.
- Our Experience With Childlessness
- Everything Changes
- Choosing To Formula Feed
- She’s Here!
- Our Planned C-Section Birth Story
350 Days
I sometimes find it hard to believe that in a span of 350 days we:
- were still in the midst of our childlessness, not knowing if we would ever have a child;
- discovered on our ninth anniversary that we were having a baby;
- learned I was physically unable to deliver a full-term baby without a c-section;
- went through a physically challenging pregnancy that included gestational diabetes;
- went through a more challenging than average c-section with complications;
- enjoyed the first three months of our daughter’s life; and
- chose to take permanent steps to prevent me from becoming pregnant again (unless God should choose to override our decision).
That’s a lot to experience and process emotionally, spiritually and physically in 350 days. In fact, I’m still processing it. And based on some of the letters I received from a few different women, I’ll be processing this the rest of my life.
Making The Decision To Have An Only Child
If you ask David, he will tell you the decision to not seek to have any more children was pretty much made the day Caroline was born. After watching me go through my pregnancy and then the delivery, he was quite sure he did not want me to go through it again. So he was pretty steadfast about what should be done. However, we committed to giving ourselves some time, praying about it, and not rushing to make a decision that might be based purely on emotion (and exhaustion).
I waffled a lot. I’m sure some of it was hormonal. Some of it is my personality. I have an overdeveloped sense of obligation. There is something in me that is willing to suck it up and do the “right” thing, even if it is to my own detriment. I’m not talking about biblical sacrifice or putting the needs of others first, but doing something because I feel falsely obligated to so do.
In this situation, I struggled with feeling “obligated” as a “good Christian woman” to continue trying to have babies. But I know God gave David to me to protect me from myself and I have learned to trust David’s judgment and love for me. In this case, I knew deep down inside he was right, even when I waffled more times than I can count.
Contributing Factors
The number of factors contributed to making this decision relatively easy. I think the decision would have been harder if we were only faced with one or two of the factors. But the combination of our ages (44 and 41), the gestational diabetes, the inability to deliver, the c-section complications, the toll the pregnancy took (and is still taking) on my body, etc. all made the decision easier to make. If I were 25 or even 30 I think this would have been much harder to accept.
That isn’t to say it has been easy. I’m very sad that I will not carry another baby, especially after experiencing the entire pregnancy/delivery/baby cycle. I would like to have carried another baby, knowing what happens when it is all through. As miserable as my pregnancy was, I thoroughly enjoyed some parts of it. So even though I don’t long to have another child, I am sad about not being pregnant again and feeling the baby moving around in there.
Trusting God And Many Other Questions
I have wrestled with a lot of questions in making this decision. The biggest one for me was why I could trust God to choose if and when we would have children, but after having Caroline I was taking steps to close that door. Did I not trust God any longer in this area? Was my faith weak? Was I being hypocritical in making this choice? Was this decision being driven by fear or faith? The only way I can describe it is like this…
When we were experiencing our childlessness, I had a quiet confidence that God was doing what was best. Of course I wavered at times. I’m not going to say that I never struggled with doubts or times of despair. I did. I don’t see how you could go through it for that many years and not struggle with those feelings at times. But for the most part, I had faith that God was doing what was best and that there must be a reason for all of this. So while I had faith to not have children, I did not have the same confidence to continue trying to have more.
It was not that I feared having more children although I did have a healthy fear of putting my body through another pregnancy given that it struggled so to get me through this one. My faith was not tested to have another child. Instead, my faith was tested to NOT have another child.
It was not the fear of having more as much as it was facing the fear of NOT having more. It was whether my faith in the sufficiency of God would allow me to be at peace with only having one. So instead of asking myself if I trusted God to bring me safely through another pregnancy, I was faced with questions such as:
- Did I have faith that one is enough?
- Did I have faith to deal with the rude comments and judgmental people I am sure to encounter?
- Did I have faith that Caroline could have a happy childhood as an only child?
- Did I have faith that God would provide Caroline with the circle of loved ones she will need as an adult given that she will have no siblings and that she has older parents and grandparents?
- Did I have faith to trust that even if God chose to take our only child that we would be ok?
- Did I have faith that we would be cared for in our old age and that the burden would not be too much for Caroline?
I also struggled with thoughts such as:
- Was I morally obligated to have another child for Caroline.s sake? To continue trying?
- Am I a bad Christian for being happy about having only one child?
I went through all the typical only child questions. But in the end I knew that siblings don’t guarantee happiness or even relationships. (I’m sure there are plenty of people who read here who can testify to the fact that having siblings doesn’t mean diddly squat in terms of guaranteeing happy adult relationships.) I also knew that an only child doesn’t have to grow up selfish and spoiled. If the child is selfish and spoiled, it is because he/she has stupid parents, not because there is something inherently wrong in an only child.
Militant Quiverfull Teachings
There are several things about the militant quiverfull folks that drive me batty. And by militant I mean the people who think it is always wrong to not trust God with the size and timing of your family. I know there are people who would call themselves quiverfull who are not like that. And that’s great. I think it is great that God has given some couples the ability and desire to have large families. But He doesn’t give that to everyone, no matter what people say. But there is a vocal contingent in the quiverfull movement who make my blood boil when I read some of the stuff that they write.
Some of the ideas they perpetuate? I don’t buy the reasoning that having a large family is the best way to impact our culture for Christ. Yes, it is a way, but not the best way or even the most expedient way. I’ve grown weary of the stories that women write that imply if you aren’t willing to risk death to keep having children, you are a wicked woman who lacks faith. Women write stories online and in magazines about how their doctor advised them not to have any more children because it would kill them, but they kept right on having them. Well, we’ll never know if God blessed them because of their faith or in spite of it, but to make risking death the mark of a godly Christian mother irritates and offends me to no end.
I also take exception to the idea being promoted that having children is the primary means of sanctification. It is A MEANS of sanctification for those who have them. And it may be the primary means for some people. But if it is the God-ordained primary means across the board, then single folks and couples who are unable to have children must be second class citizens of the Kingdom and are at a disadvantage when it comes to their sanctification. Hogwash. God can sanctify people with or without children. As someone who was single for a long time and then childless for a long time, I can testify that God had plenty of other means for working on my sanctification! 😀
Moving Forward With An Only Child
So, that is how we arrived here. It’s funny. In some ways I should have seen this coming years ago and maybe I did. I never saw myself going through childbirth. It is almost like I intuitively knew that I would never experience it. I also never desired to have a lot of children even though I was willing to do so if that was the calling God had for me. Given my personality (as well as David’s), one is perfect. I think I’ve known that for a long time as well, but felt compelled to be open to whatever God might have for us. I don’t regret the choices we’ve made, especially in being open to having children for most of our marriage. We don’t have to look back and wonder if we made a mistake in putting off having children for so long. We were willing, but God had His own timing.
And I think that having gone through such a long period of childlessness made us more confident of our decision to be content with one. There is so much pressure on Christian women today in these areas and such guilt heaped upon women who truly love the Lord that I really believe that women need to come forward and share a different perspective. Despite what is being taught hammered in some circles, it is not God’s will for every family to have a dozen children, or ten, or six or even two. Couples make difficult choices – in faith – whether we understand all that goes into those choices or not. I hope that many women will find freedom from guilt and pressure by reading this post.
Pecan Cinnamon Shortbread
As I’ve said before, you must be obedient to what God has shown you. I am constantly telling people that it was God’s wisdom that He gave me my two children twelve years apart. (I have had three pregnancies but our first son was born too early to survive.)
I am convinced God not only places children in the families of His choice but also in His timing. I doubted that timing when Christopher was born. I thought I was going nuts. I had a terrible pregnancy, temporary brain damage during the C-section–it actually caused short term memory loss for a couple of years, and a very hyperactive toddler.
Seventeen and a half years later, I can see God’s wisdom. I was three months pregnant when I had a pregnancy test as I’d been told I’d “probably” not be able to have more children. So, believe me, he HAD to be in God’s timing because I didn’t expect it.
I believe God gives us the desires of our Heart as we follow Him. He gave you that desire and you have the CUTEST little girl.
I remember when Laine sent out those particular letters. I wanted to shout out an “Amen, sister”! 🙂
Thanks, Sallie, for your sharing your process with us. It is important to me to know and recognize that God leads His people in many different ways. When my husband and I were engaged, I had a hard time hearing from women who had prayerfully decided to limit/plan their families. It seemed that the women I knew either decided without a lot of thought to use birth control and plan their families, or they prayerfully sought the Lord, and decided to land on the “quiverful” side of the camp. So it’s a benefit to me to read someone who prayerfully considered the issue and took the steps you did. Thank you.
Sallie,
IT breaks my heart that you (and quite possibly me too) will have to endure the comments by fellow brother’s and sister’s in Christ about the size of our families. Perhaps it is because I was raised in the Methodist church, but this whole “quiverfull” mentality is quite new to me. THough I have been judged many times in my life about choices and decisions, I never thought that the size of my family would be the topic of conversation and dissent. These decisions should be made prayerfully, but a couple is not responsible to the world for their choices. You do not have to defend yourself to anyone.
Perhaps I am influenced by my own Nana’s experience who had a horrible delivery resulting in horrific bleeding. Her doctor told her that it was better to live for two, then die for three. So, though she always wanted more children, she only had two.And what a beautiful two women she raised. God-led, spirit-full women who have raised children the same way.
I think that’s what God wants. Be the best parent you can to Caroline. That’s all you “Have” to do.
Why do other people feel so strongly that your business is theirs!?
My blood boils as well for those who have shown you their distinctly unChristian attitudes in this matter, Sallie. I for one am very suspicious of a massive group that lives their lives based on a few lines that are found in the Old Testament. I suppose we should be glad that their lifestyles revolve around this one: “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children born in one’s youth. Blessed are they whose quivers are full.” Imagine if they followed this teaching with as much gusto: “If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken…his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.” We would have the Stoner movement, and the streets would be awash with the blood of angst filled teenagers!
Thank you for those links. They are very worth the time it took to read. Great food for thought.
Thank you for sharing Sallie, I’m really going to miss your blog when you decide to quit. I’m always encouraged and challenged by your posts.
We have decided to only have two children. While there are moments I would like more, I do know that multiple miscarriages, PPD and difficult pregnancies are issues that I don’t want to face again. My husband really doesn’t want to face them again so I listen and trust that the two children I have are what God wants us to have.
God is using our family of four and I know He would use us if we where a family of eight, but I am content knowing that we are done, it’s exciting as my Rebecca gets out of the infant stage to know that sleepless nights are no more, soon diapers will be gone. It makes me treasure those moments when she wants to cuddle or I watch her sleep in her crib knowing she’s my last “baby”, but there is excitement of knowing that our life is moving in a different direction past the baby stage.
Bless you!
I believe the Bible is silent on the subject of birth control.
Sometimes the quiver full argument embraces the story of Onan, but I don’t think it’s applicable. He had a specific command to raise up a specific seed, and refused.
Since it’s silent, it seems to me it’s a matter of Christian liberty for all of us. If God is opposed to birth control, surely He would tell us.
Sallie, I am SOOOO going to miss your blog. This was one of your best entries to date. I appreciate the links to the other sites….very thought-provoking. I am certainly not going to comment on your decisions, because I feel they are PRIVATE!! But I am so thankful that you shared your heart with us. Best wishes to you and your precious family.
The main point that came across to me in Laine’s writing was not so much that it should not be told as it should not be asked, and especially not made into commentary or criticism. I think if someone wants to share their story, it’s not inappropriate. But if it’s not volunteered, frankly, it’s nobody’s business.
I think you told your story beautifully!
Oh, and one more thing that bugs me: that so many people feel the need to witness about abstaining from birth control more than they witness about Christ.
My next-door neighbor has nine grown children. Why nine? Because the last birth was the only one her husband attended (back then, of course, most men didn’t attend the births; they smoked cigarettes in the waiting room!). When he saw what his wife went through during labor and deliver, he said, “That’s it!”
So, I think he would empathize with David.
Great post, Sallie. I think every one of us has likely been burned by legalists turning areas of Christian liberty into Christian DUTY (in my case, it’s been our decision to have our kids in public school.) My hat is off to you for seeking obedience to the Lord for you and your family–that is all any of us can do.
Dear Sallie, I really appreciate what you’ve written . I have two children on earth and my first child with the Lord. I too get rather dismayed at the quiverfull idea!? I wonder if some of these people have any idea of the physical and emotional trauma involved in childlessness, a difficult pregnancy / birth. I write as a thankful mum and also as a midwife practising in the UK.
What a wonderful post. I love the way you realized what the true test of your faith was (not to have more children rather than having more children).
You are a wonderful writer. I will miss your blog for sure.
Best wishes.
Bravo, Sallie.
I can’t add more, really. Except to say that we all need to keep in mind a conviction and Biblical mandate are NOT the same things. As Shannon said above, Christian Liberty and Christian DUTY are two distinct, different things.
I do not wish to step on any toes…so please forgive me. However, I do not think that a person who has medical difficulties should force her body to produce more children so that she will have “extras” should something happen to one of them. It is not a guaranty. A few years ago, in my state, a family lost all five of their precious children at once. The younger 4 were visiting the oldest daughter when someone broke in (I believe it was the daughter’s ex-boyfriend)and killed them all. In more recent years, a young mother lost all 3 of her children when a rig fell onto her vehicle while she was traveling on the highway. Life holds no guarantees.
Before you read this Sallie, remember, I did agree with you about the blog ads!! ; )
I knew this was coming, so I can’t say I was surprised. I’ve got one comment. an anecdote and a personal note.
Based upon everything I read and learned about Cesarean sections over the past 18 years, and from following your pregnancy from the beginning, I do not think it is 100% certain that your cesarean was medically necessary and I still don’t. Anyone who wants to know why can e-mail me.
And now the anecdote.
My Aunt Opal only had two children, interestingly for one of the reasons you cited, that the pregnancy and delivery was difficult and my Uncle Paul did not want to see her go through it ever again.
A few years before she died, I was holding my fourth son at the family reunion, and my 80+ something Aunt Opal came over to hold and admire him. Her only son had been killed in a freak truck accident while repairing his rig on the side of the road. She held my baby boy and with tears down her face told me that her biggest regret in life, was that she did not have more children. She was sorry that she let the pain and difficulty of pregnancy and childbirth hold her back from having a bigger family. In hindsite, that time of childbearing is brief, but the soul of another child is infinite.
I held onto those words, even when I had a stillbirth at 44, and then a new baby at 46.
And on a personal note, my mother is 80, she has cancer. I know that she will probably be gone in the next five to ten years. I am so grateful that I will have my only sister to be with me during that time, to laugh at the memories and to cry in grief. She has been my companion since I was a toddler, the only one who truly understands my entire life experience. She is also the reason I wanted siblings for my children.
I understand your reasons Sally. I just can’t agree with them. I support your right to express them on your blog however. Different strokes as it were.
I don’t understand the argument about how it’s better to have a lot of children in case some of them die.
Would your pain of losing one of your children be less just because you have more at home?
I think not. At least, I hope not.
Ladies – Thank you for all the comments and encouraging words.
Renae – I LOL at your comment! 🙂
Rocks – Have you ever done a post on choosing public school? I might have just missed it since my blog reading has been sporadic at best in recent months.
I realize that in posting what I did that I was opening myself up to all kinds of comments, but I cannot let Elena’s comment slide.
Elena – I almost deleted your comment but decided to leave it up because it illustrates one of the points I (and others) was trying to make. I am going to try to be as nice as I can be in saying this but I don’t know of any polite way to say what I’m going to. I felt your comments were arrogant and insensitive. What you implied about my c-section was that 1.) my doctor is either a liar and/or an incompetent practitioner of his profession; 2.) that I am too stupid to find a way to deliver naturally because if I had only read more I could have forced my body to do something that it is unable to do; and 3.) that you can determine how I should have delivered my baby without being qualified to make that determination either professionally or by at the least having examined me and my unborn child. The stories you shared were not helpful, but are in my opinion some of the most appalling examples of fearmongering I can imagine. Telling women that they should have more babies because their child might die someday is sick. I don’t know how else to describe it. For any woman to have more children for that reason is acting out of fear, not faith. I don’t think you really read what I wrote in my post because I made it clear this was one of the issues I had to deal with in faith. Instead I think you read what I wrote through your own grid with blinders on. Your comment served no real purpose and I’m sure offended more than just me.
Sallie,
It saddens me so much to hear other Christians placing such conditions on faith. It does not require more or less faith when determining family size. You and your husband have to decide before God what is right for your family. We live in such wondrous times with all the advancements in medicine. Women who in previous generations couldn’t conceive can now carry normal healthy babies. God has given us the knowledge needed for these medical advancements. Likewise, the advancements are there to protect women from the dangers of having more children (and there are dangers…in previous generations childbirth was the leading cause of death for young women!).
I am just a few years older than you and faced hyper-fertility (is that a word?). From the time I was 20 to one week after I was 30 I conceived 8 children. I gave birth to 4 full term babies and lost twins in my 6th month (they were not viable). I lost the other two in miscarriage. After the loss of my twins, and given the fact that I conceived too easily and it was taking a toll on my physical and mental health, my husband and I decided for me to have a tubal ligation. This decision was not made lightly, much prayer went into it. I have never, ever regretted that decision. I am now nearing the end of raising children, my youngest two are 16 and 18. My two older girls are in college and more or less on their own.
I applaud your decision. It sounds like you and David carefully considered your options and prayed about the outcome. God blesses those who rely on Him for all wisdom. He has already blessed your little one with wonderful, loving parents. She will be an amazing instrument for the Lord one day, I am sure. And you should never, ever feel condemned or judged for a decision you know was made with God’s help.
Sallie,
I have always enjoyed your blog and will surely miss it! Let me tell you how much I appreciate your honesty when you discuss your struggles. I am so happy for you and Dave as you set out on this adventure of parenthood with precious Caroline. As a mom of 2 I have loved every moment of it and wouldn’t trade it for anything! Thankfully God has blessed me with healthy pregnancies and deliverie, therefore, I may add to my quiver! I can tell you that I too have a take on the quiverfull idea. For some people, their quiver will have 5 or 6 or 10, but for others their quiver is full with only 1 or 2. And maybe for others, they won’t have any in their quiver at all but can give of their time to invest in others. (As you did as a teacher before you had Caroline). Who is anyone to judge when a person’s quiver is full right? Ultimately, God is the giver of all life and He has given you a precious little girl to love and enjoy! I for one am glad that He filled your quiver with her 🙂
I wish you the best as you continue on this marvelous journey!
Love,
Courtney
Darn! Courtney said almost exactly what I want to say, she just beat me to it :). The Bible says be fruitful and multiply. It doesn’t give an exact number, or even a range to work within. What a boring Christian community we’d live in if we were all called to the same spiritual gifts, the same type of families, the same number of kids, etc.
Thank goodness God allows for personal choice and freedom. And, thank goodness He gives us all heads on our shoulders and puts people in our lives to help us make the WISEST decisions for ourselves and families as best we can.
I wish you had just deleted it then and sent me an e-mail.
It seems there is no way to politely disagree with you without ticking you off. I long suspected that, which is why I have RARELY commented here.
Sallie!
I am sending virtual hugs your direction!
I have several thoughts swirling around but the first one is that I was an only child and it was a wonderful experience! My parents were both in their early 30’s when they adopted me and I remember enjoying their company through the years, never really noticing that my life was special. But it was. I was the apple of my dad’s eye and I didn’t have to share him with anyone else! My mom and I, though very different…she is an introvert and I am very gregarious….did many fun things together. Now that she is 85 and has been widowed for 13 years and has lived in our home all this time, we have many good times and shared experiences that we enjoy remembering.
One of the best things I remember about being an only child was being included in all the “grown-up” fellowship times my parents had. I cannot remember ever being left with a sitter except my grandmother. They took me everywhere they went and I learned at an early age to be a little lady. I also felt so valued and learned so many interesting things because I spent so much time with adults.
The other thing that comes to mind is this…I have such a heart for adoption because I was adopted and if you believe that the Lord might lead you and David to have more children, that is always an option. I know it is expensive but the Lord will open the door for that if it would be of His good pleasure.
I have given birth to 6 children and have had 3 miscarriages. When the doctor told me that I couldn’t have any more babies, I was devastated. I sat in the parking lot of his office and sobbed for half and hour. You see, I don’t think size of family matters at all when it comes to being able to have children. It all comes back to that desire that the Lord places in your heart to be a mother. I am certain that you will, all your life, look back at the choices you have made and wonder about it. I am also certain that you will feel some pain and regret. But I also know that the Lord gave you a husband and a brain to make wise decisions for your own health, which is really about caring for your family. I think making your health a priority, for the sake of Caroline and David, was a sacrificial choice. And, perhaps the Lord will give you many grandchildren and great-granchildren as He has given my mom!
Blessings to you….