A Quiet Simple Life | Sallie Borrink

For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:23

A Quiet Simple Life

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Gifted & 2e

Three and a Half Year Old Drama (and a Child Who Doesn’t Want to Go to Church)


So if you’ve noticed the lack of posts and responding to comments around here… the title of this post might sum it up.

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Three and a Half Year Old Drama

Why didn’t any of you warn me about the three and a half year old drama?

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Or remind me of the theory of six months of equilibrium at the birthday and six months of disequilibrium at the half birthday? Or point me ahead of time to the very relevant book Your Three-Year-Old  – Friend or Enemy?

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As I have been scouring the internet trying to make sense of what has happened to our already strong-willed, sensitive, spirited child, I’ve been reassured to read in multiple places that many people consider three and a half the most difficult age.

So I felt a little better.

But dear Lord in heaven above, just get me (and David) through this!

Three Year Old Doesn’t Want to Go to Church

And then there is the ongoing “I don’t want to go to church” drama. I am not sure what is going on with this. It has been going on longer than the three and a half year old drama. I think. Or maybe it is part of it, but we just didn’t realize until this week when David and I both literally hit the wall with this three and a half year old stuff. (And, no, it wasn’t the start of doing homeschool preschool. Caroline has loved that.)

She will willingly go anywhere. Except church. We cannot figure out what the problem is. It isn’t defiance. She cries and is clearly upset about the idea of going to church. We’ve tried to ask her about every different aspect we can think of and we can’t get it out of her. And maybe she can’t even express it.

She has had a few bad experiences with church-related things that have mildly-traumatized her. Well, one really traumatized her last year (related to the sound system) to the point where she was scared to go back to church for a few weeks. The others have happened over the past year. I’m not sure if some of them are lingering with her or what. We’ve prayed. We’ve talked with her about the importance of being in church. We’ve discussed visiting a different church. Nothing changes her view.

So we’re not really sure what to do. Dragging her to church, crying and upset, seems counterproductive in the extreme. And, no, I don’t think she would just get over it and go running happily into church once we go there. It goes beyond that. And that is not her personality either.

Sigh.

So we’ll keep praying and trust that God will give us some insight and/or move in her little heart and mind. In the past she was always excited about going to church so this has been hard on us in more ways than one.

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What do you do with a child who won’t play by herself, goes from thing to thing to thing, and gets bored very quickly?


Yesterday I shared a bit about what I am doing with Caroline at home regarding learning.  Today I want to ask a question. I’m sure I’m not the only one facing this. What do you do with a child who won’t play by herself and is bored with something within five minutes?

I was sharing with a friend in an email recently that it is so hard to keep Caroline occupied. If I prepare something for her or gather the materials for a new activity, she will generally do it for five minutes tops and then she is done. She isn’t interested in exploring all the different creative ways to use something. She definitely is not into doing something over and over again. Once she’s done it a couple of times, she’s ready to move on.

I don’t have the time or financial ability to find 10 new things for her to do each day. She has plenty of open-ended toys. We rotate toys. We have her put toys away before she goes on to the next thing (mostly – still working on that). She’s not over-sugared. But it is almost as though she needs a steady diet of new things to do and experience all day.

She also isn’t interested in playing alone. At. all. It doesn’t matter if she gets lots of one-on-one time for an hour or two. She still wants to be with us and have us play with her. We can’t play with her all day (and we don’t). But she  isn’t lacking for attention.

A couple mornings a week we have a sitter come for a few hours to play with her just so we can get a break and focus on our work. She loves having the sitters come (two girls who are completely different) and always has a lot of fun.

Anyway, I am open to suggestions. I realize part of it may be her age, part of it is a function of having an only child, and part of it is training her to do things, but it is driving me nuts. The combination of a mom who needs time alone during the day to think, recharge, take care of a home, and work and a child who thinks she needs a play companion all day, every day and seems incapable of getting engrossed in anything by herself is just not working very well. I have to be honest. If things don’t change as she gets a little older, this may be the very thing that trumps everything else and forces us to choose to put her in school. I know she might grow out of it, but right now it is very hard.

(And I won’t even get into the part about the fact that she wakes up at 5:00 every morning and thinks it is time to get up. I am dreading the time change because her internal clock is so strong I don’t even want to think about how this is going to play out shortly. We’ve already tried adjusting her bedtime to start compensating for the change, and that’s not working either. It doesn’t matter what time she goes to bed. She wakes up early every. single. morning.)

So what do you do with a child who won’t play by herself?

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Listening To What Your Child Is Really Saying


We recently went through a period when Caroline was acting out a lot. I had been physically unwell for a few weeks and was feeling awful. My mom was staying with us for the week to help out. Nothing was “normal” around here. Every mealtime became a battleground. Caroline would come completely unglued if her chair wasn’t in the exact right spot at the table or if we weren’t sitting exactly where she thought we should be. I was already feeling terrible and this happening at almost every meal was adding significantly to my stress.

Some people would say that Caroline needed a spanking. She needed to be whipped into submission. She needed to put a smile on that little face, say “Yes, Ma’am” and sit wherever we deemed fit. Some would go so far as to put her where she doesn’t want to be just to prove that we’re in charge and she has to obey us immediately.

(Can I just say that even typing those words makes me sick to my stomach?)

Looking For What My Child Is Trying To Tell Me

Thank God, literally and truly, that we were not inclined to handle it that way. Whether it was the Holy Spirit, my mothering instinct, or my better judgment, I don’t know. But I knew deep down inside that she wasn’t being naughty. She wasn’t defying us. She was acting out because her world was turned upside down. The normalcy she expects in life was not there. Her mother was not available to take care of her in normal ways.

It was completely unlike her to be like this. The only time she has a meltdown is when she is over-tired or over-stimulated. Normally she’s a happy, helpful, compliant child who only occasionally tests the boundaries in a normal toddler way.

Somehow we got through those couple of weeks. It was extremely stressful at times, but we tried to accommodate her as much as possible and give in when she insisted on things like the fact that our placemats HAD to be touching at the table.

In fact, it was the insistence that our placemats be touching that confirmed to me this was a control and security issue for her. She was frightened by the way things were and trying to keep some level of control in whatever way she could.

Listening To What She Can’t Say

I’m happy to say that in the past two weeks since I’ve been making steady progress at getting better and life has been mostly normal, we’ve not had any meltdowns. Last week we had an almost normal week and did normal out and about things. We went to church yesterday.

Caroline has been a very happy camper.

I shudder to think the damage we would have done if we had cracked down on her and insisted on “happy obedience” when she was acting out those few weeks. 

Caroline is just a little person who can hardly understand all the emotions racing around in her heart and mind. It was hard enough for me as an adult to deal with the emotions and stress of being ill. How much more for a little one who has barely begun to grasp her world and how it works?

So among the many things I’ve learned through this physical trial, I’m thankful to have this experience that reinforced the importance of listening to what my child is really saying. It is something I’ve always believed, but having the opportunity to put it into practice in a situation that was already difficult and stressful reminded me again of how important it is to back off from a situation and really try to understand what is being said.

Have you had an experience where you had to take a different approach to listening to your child in order to understand what he or she was really saying?

This post is part of my larger collection of essays on raising gifted and 2e children as a Christian parent.

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Seasonal Affective Disorder and The Father’s Hand | Streams in the Desert


Last year when I quit blogging and then started up again, I shared that I had finally found a reason for some of my struggles (Now I Know: Seasonal Affective Disorder). It was a relief to have a diagnosis. It also has helped me better prepare myself for these challenges.

Over the last week or so I can tell that the SAD is starting up again. I’m thankful that it is the middle of February so hopefully there will only be about six more weeks before it will lift.

People who have never experienced depression will often say, “Just stop thinking about it” or “Don’t worry so much” or “Get busy and it will go away”.  Unless you have experienced it, you can’t fully understand how counterproductive those kinds of comments are to the one suffering.

I mention all this today because I read a comment on another blog that was about dealing with winter. The mom mentioned that she liked her son so much better in the summer than in the winter. My first thought was that perhaps the child is suffering from SAD. One of the ways SAD can manifest itself is feelings of frustration. In a child that could easily come out as anger and aggressiveness.

Anyway, my goal in writing this is to make people aware that winter can be very hard on some people. It isn’t something they can snap out of at will. I imagine it can impact children as well.

This timely devotional from Streams in the Desert was a blessing to me when I read it this morning.

The Father’s Hand by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman

“Your heavenly Father knoweth” (Matt. 6:32).

A visitor at a school for the deaf and dumb was writing questions on the blackboard for the children. By and by he wrote this sentence: “Why has God made me to hear and speak, and made you deaf and dumb?”

The awful sentence fell upon the little ones like a fierce blow in the face. They sat palsied before that dreadful “Why?” And then a little girl arose.

Her lip was trembling. Her eyes were swimming with tears. Straight to the board she walked, and, picking up the crayon, wrote with firm hand these precious words: “Even so, Father, for so it seemed good in thy sight!” What a reply! It reaches up and lays hold of an eternal truth upon which the maturest believer as well as the youngest child of God may alike securely rest–the truth that God is your Father.

Do you mean that? Do you really and fully believe that? When you do, then your dove of faith will no longer wander in weary unrest, but will settle down forever in its eternal resting place of peace. “Your Father!”

I can still believe that a day comes for all of us, however far off it may be, when we shall understand; when these tragedies, that now blacken and darken the very air of heaven for us, will sink into their places in a scheme so august, so magnificent, so joyful, that we shall laugh for wonder and delight. –Arthur Christopher Bacon

No chance hath brought this ill to me;
‘Tis God’s own hand, so let it be,
He seeth what I cannot see.
There is a need-be for each pain,
And He one day will make it plain
That earthly loss is heavenly gain.
Like as a piece of tapestry
Viewed from the back appears to be
Naught but threads tangled hopelessly;
But in the front a picture f air
Rewards the worker for his care,
Proving his skill and patience rare.
Thou art the Workman, I the frame.
Lord, for the glory of Thy Name,
Perfect Thine image on the same.
–Selected

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What We’ve Done Well So Far In Parenting


It is my natural bent to be very aware of my faults and failings. So it is good for me to step back at times and remind myself of what I have done well. I was recently thinking about our first two years with Caroline and reflecting on what we’ve done well.

A part of me is reluctant to say “we’ve done a good job with X and Y” because we really won’t know if we’ve done a good job until we’re a lot further along in our parenting journey. I also hesitate to give too much advice about parenting because I’m the parent of one child and she’s not yet two years old. But at the same time I’m older, a former teacher, and a fairly insightful person. So somewhere in the midst of that I do want to share what I’ve learned and what I think I know without trying to come off as some kind of expert.

So that’s where I’m coming from in sharing some things we’ve done well.

1. We recognize that Caroline is an individual person, created by God for His purposes and in the way He needs her to be to fulfill His plans for her. Yes, I have lots of hopes and dreams for her. There are talents I hope she has. But I have a good understanding that we are only stewards of her life and are to raise her as best we can to live for Christ. She is not mine to mold into what I think she should be. She is a woman who belongs to God who is currently a child. My job is to help her understand who God created her to be and help her arrive at adulthood in the best way possible. So I study her and try to understand her motives. I listen to her and what she is saying through her words, her moods and her activities.

2. We have fostered a sense of belonging and helping. Caroline is eager to help. I believe this is because we have encouraged her and praised her in this area since she was tiny. She loves to do real things and we try to let her help as much as possible. For example, last spring when we were planting flowers and perennials, we had to take a lot of them from the back yard to the front yard where we were going to plant them. I could have picked up the flats and carried them up there in about twenty seconds. Instead, I spent fifteen minutes going back and forth while Caroline and I carried little pots to the front. She was so thrilled to help and felt a part of the process. I have purposely slowed down and involved her whenever I could so she will feel a part of our family life and see the need to help around here.

3. We read to her all the time. All. The. Time. I started reading books to her when she was a few months old. If she brought a book to me and wanted to read, I dropped whatever I was doing (if at all feasible) and read to her. We have surrounded her with books. Positive, cozy, beautiful, fun, uplifting books. We talk about the books, we discuss them, we look at the pictures… We read and read and read. We take her to the library and we participated in the summer reading program. Reading is SO IMPORTANT and we’ve made this a huge priority in our home.

4. We talk about matters of faith and try to live it out daily. We pray before our meals. We pray over her at bedtime. We talk about Jesus. We read Bible stories. We talk about Jesus. We use Bible terms. No, she doesn’t understand it all. But we are giving her a context and will slowly continue to teach her as she becomes able to understand more.

5. We have given her a peaceful environment. We use quiet voices. We listen to quiet instrumental and/or classical music. We have (mostly) quiet toys. We don’t raise our voices. We don’t have the TV on in the background. We don’t rush her around the house. We try to let her go at her own pace as much as possible and rarely tell her to hurry up. We try to be patient and remember that she is still a baby in some ways.

6. We let her develop at her own pace, not according to what the books say. I’ve read almost no parenting books. I do look things up online at times, but I decided I was going to use common sense and study my child. I will try to introduce new things to her, but if she isn’t ready I just put it away. When she is ready, she is ready. I truly believe a lot of parent angst comes from wanting children to do things before they are ready. We’ve let Caroline grow and develop at her own pace, without pressure.

7. We’ve had an attitude of fostering learning since the start. We provide her with all kinds of fun learning things to play with, but without the pressure of teaching her. We gave her the Fridge Phonics to play with and she surprised us by learning all her letters in just a few weeks and by the time she was seventeen months old! I bought some very large colorful button manipulatives several weeks ago and she learned her shapes and colors! We weren’t there drilling her on these things. They just happened because we gave her fun things to do that also fostered learning.

There is nothing spectacularly unique about what we’ve done with Caroline. They are things anyone could do. We’ve simply made some choices to adjust our attitude and expectations for her good. Studying her and seeking to understand her has made a tremendous difference in our lives and I’m very thankful God put this on our hearts before she was even born.

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