Sallie Schaaf Borrink
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This is an introduction to the Gifted, 2e, and Highly Sensitive Playlist I’ve created. I explain why I created this playlist and the kinds of topics I will be covering.
You will find the chat below under the title “Gifted, 2e, and Highly Sensitive Playlist Introduction.”
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This playlist features chats and posts about gifted, twice-exceptional (2e), and highly sensitive people. Although it includes content about both children and adults, the emphasis is on parenting gifted/2e children.
This will be a growing playlist. I hope you find it encouraging and helpful.
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The idea of margin is one that appears over and over again on this website. There are many ways our family has chosen to build margin into our lives with varying degrees of success over the years. We’ve tried to maintain a healthy amount of margin whether it is time, sleep, energy, finances, etc. Limits Are God’s Idea is one post that addresses how this became an important principle in my life.
We’ve been dealing with a lack of margin in our home over the past few months. You’ve probably noticed the effects of it by the decreased amount of posting and my slow response to comments. I mentioned in a recent post that I took on a new responsibility at church, something I’ve not done since I became a mother. It’s not a huge thing but significant enough that it involves extra meetings and responsibilities to follow through on. It’s another thing to think about and be responsible for in my life that was already (mostly) pleasantly full.
In a span of ten weeks (starting in mid-January) I had meetings on five of the ten Sundays including three Sundays in a row at one point. For some of you, that might be totally normal. For me, it is not. Even though I’m happy with my new activity, the schedule was very disruptive to the flow of our family life.
If there’s anything I’ve learned about myself and my child, it is that we thrive in a life that has both a rhythm and an open-to-possibilities flow. That might sound contradictory, but it’s not. We both need a predictable rhythm to daily and weekly life but not a rigid schedule. We also both need a life that allows us to be spontaneous and make choices throughout the day based on our individual needs whether they are physical, emotional, spiritual, etc. I think this is especially important because we are creative people and creativity often rises at the most inopportune times. Because of that, I have endeavored to keep our family life fairly limited in terms of outside commitments so as not to impede the things that we are wired for and make a big difference in our level of life satisfaction. (See: Understanding Why Your Creative Child is Lazy)
One of the keys for me is that Sunday is the day I give myself the freedom to not feel a responsibility to be productive. I might choose to do something productive during that day, but I don’t put any expectations on that day. It is my necessary mental break day that gives me margin which then translates into emotional and physical margin. When I lose that margin, it throws off all of the rest of life. If I don’t get the margin I need, I go to bed Sunday night feeling like my needs were not met and dreading Monday morning because it is all going to start again. Three weeks of that in a row was exhausting to the point of tears.
One of the things Caroline and I have discussed is that we are on the high end of the spectrum in terms of needing freedom and time alone to pursue our individual interests in decent sized chunks of the day. When we don’t get it, something in us suffers.
In my case at least, it means I have much less to give emotionally online. A lot of the online work and writing I do is emotionally draining. When my tank is already depleted in my home and personal life, the online work is the first thing that is neglected. Even responding to comments feels emotionally draining when I’m seriously lacking margin. I know that probably sounds melodramatic, but it’s the truth.
Along with a lack of margin goes the ability to think clearly and make decisions. My brain feels muddled. I also feel a kind of paralysis regarding decision making when my life lacks margin. And so weeks drift by with no newsletter and very little in terms of content because they require decisions and I don’t have anything left to do that.
Because we’ve lacked margin on the weekends, the lethargy it creates has carried over into the week. It’s impacted our energy for homeschooling and even getting out of bed in the morning. Because we are lethargic, it disrupts our daily rhythm and so we struggle to find our footing many days.
I’m writing all this because I hope it will help someone else realize what is out of whack in her own life. It’s not a crime or a sign of weakness to recognize that you are wired in such a way that you need something different than other people around you. I’m sure there are people reading this who cannot relate in any way to what they just read. This post wasn’t written for them. It’s written for the woman who is on the verge of tears because there isn’t enough margin and it’s slowly robbing her joy and productivity.
Recognizing you need more margin is the first step. The hard part is when you have to ruthlessly cut things out. It will seem at first like there is nothing that can go. But is it because nothing can truly go or because of the expectations of others that you have allowed to shape your life? One of the keys to maintaining margin is being willing to have people dislike you or be disappointed in you when you tell them no or make a different choice that goes against the flow of expectations. I know this from first-hand experience in multiple situations. I would guess some people were surprised when I said up above that this is the first time I’ve taken on a responsibility at church since I became a mother. But is it surprising? Or does it simply fit with what I’ve written about and preached all these many years? I learned to say no many years ago and I ruthlessly practice it. I have to for my own well-being and the well-being of my family.
All that to say, I’ve lived life with margin and without it many times over the years. I can tell you from first-hand experience that keeping margin in your life is incredibly important. I highly recommend making it a priority. In the meantime, I’ll be practicing what I preach as I make adjustments for my own family with this new responsibility I’ve taken on.
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One of the things I am passionate about doing on this website is helping parents of differently wired children. I’ve shared many parts of my journey as I’ve tried to unlock what my daughter needed in order to thrive as a person. In the process, I’ve sought out the knowledge and wisdom of other homeschooling moms with special needs kids. Although each differently wired child is unique, there are things that we can learn from each other.
In my own case, I have dozens and dozens of posts that are focused on helping homeschooling moms with special needs kids. These are grouped according to diagnoses and individual needs such as:
I also started creating products for my shop that meet particular needs I discover in my homeschooling journey. For example, I created the Distraction Free Handwriting Practice worksheets because some kids simply cannot focus if a worksheet or printable is covered with squiggly lines and cute animal characters. (See: How a Homeschooled Dreamer Does Preschool Math)
So I created this series of products to be as simple as possible for children who need something with zero distractions as they practice their print or cursive writing.
Over the past few years I’ve gotten to know a small group of homeschooling moms quite well. I wanted to introduce you to them today in case you’ve never happened across their websites. Each one is the mom of at least one child with a special learning need. Some of them have multiple children with a wide variety of special needs. The diagnoses include dyslexia, dysgraphia, giftedness, twice-exceptionality, anxiety, multiple overexcitabilities, and so on.
The bottom line is that this collection of moms has been walking the homeschool path for many years and with children who require something extra and something different in order to learn and flourish. These are moms who dearly love their children. In each case, I know they have put their own interests aside many times in order to give their child what he or she needs.
I asked each of them to share a few posts or materials they have created that will help other homeschooling moms with special needs kids. These are the posts they selected that they thought gave a glimpse into how they parent and homeschool their special needs children. I encourage you to click over and meet each of these women. I hope at least one or two of them are a good fit for you if you are parenting a different wired child. Hopefully you will find another source of information and encouragement that meets your particular parenting and homeschooling needs.
I also encourage you to take a minute and leave a comment on their site. Let them know you stopped by, especially if you find one of their posts encouraging. You will, in turn, be encouraging another mom.
And isn’t that something we all need each day?
Dianna is the mom of six children including one set of twins. She writes about her Catholic faith and has many posts and printables to help Catholic moms. She loves Memoria Press for her homeschooling and conducts workshops for them to help other moms. And in her spare time, she works part-time as a nurse.
Ginny is the mom of three children, all of whom are gifted/2e. Ginny has a heart especially for the moms of gifted/2e children and has a paid membership group called The Zelie Society where moms can connect. Ginny openly shares how her Catholic faith impacts her life and parenting and welcomes all women to her site and group for encouragement. She has a resource called Executive Decisions: A Practical Guide to Re-ordering Your family’s Heart, Head, and Home that many moms will find helpful.
And Ginny didn’t put this in her list, but I’m adding it anyway because I think this is such an important post of hers that I’ve shared before: I Don’t Love Homeschooling, But I Love My Children – So I Do It Anyway.
Sara is the mom of six children, including two who have graduated and gone on to college. Sara’s areas of expertise are classical education and organizing your homeschool. She has many posts about scheduling, prioritizing, and making the most of your day. In her free time, Sara also works outside the home. Sara has also written Building Your Perfect Homeschool In Just 13 Weeks and You Can Do This: 21 Day of Encouragement for the Weary Homeschool Mom.
Lauren is the mom of five and has a gift for creating fun printables for younger learners. She shared just one post here, but it is full of information for parents who are homeschooling gifted children including a Google Hangout she did with three other moms of gifted/2e children.
I hope you enjoy meeting these women!
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When I began to understand that my daughter fit the description of a highly-sensitive child, I also realized some new things about myself. When someone pointed out that my daughter was probably gifted/2e, I started to notice things about myself. Then when I realized that I had the gifted intellectual overexcitability, everything really started to fall into place.
This post is going to sound to some people like a lot of navel gazing. It may not resonate with many of my readers. Some people will read this at some point either today or in the future and think, “Wow. This lady needs to get a life and stop focusing on herself so much.” This post isn’t for them. I’m writing today for some very specific people.
This post is for you if your child fits the following:
I came to the realization this week that the combination of gifted intellectual overexcitability, being highly-sensitive, and being strongly oriented toward truth is a hard combination to live with. I put it on a similar level to the realization I had a couple of years ago about holiday overwhelm and highly-sensitive children. I believe God allowed me to experience some things this week so I could see the truth in them and help others understand the same thing. This post might sound like it’s wandering a bit as I share some disjointed experiences and situations. It probably won’t be the most orderly and structured thing I’ve ever written, but I need to just write and get it out there or it won’t get written.
But I really am going somewhere with all this.
As I quoted on my Start Here page, gifted intellectual overexcitability looks like this:
Intellectual OE is demonstrated by a marked need to seek understanding and truth, to gain knowledge, and to analyze and synthesize (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991). Those high in Intellectual OE have incredibly active minds. They are intensely curious, often avid readers, and usually keen observers. They are able to concentrate, engage in prolonged intellectual effort, and are tenacious in problem solving when they choose. Other characteristics may include relishing elaborate planning and having remarkably detailed visual recall. People with Intellectual OE frequently love theory, thinking about thinking, and moral thinking. This focus on moral thinking often translates into strong concerns about moral and ethical issues… Intellectually overexcitable people are also quite independent of thought …
That’s all well and good if a person is interested in dinosaurs or Ancient Egypt or Jane Austen or historical costuming or whatever. If it is a topic that is removed from current moral debate and topics, then kids can immerse themselves in it and get happily lost in satisfying their intellectual hunger.
But something very different happens if that topic is contemporary. And controversial.
And if your child is wired to truth-seeking, it can become very difficult.
For many years I had a side website where I collected information about women in the church, how women should use their gifts in the body of Christ, etc. I shared my thoughts as I did different reading. I would sometimes post about church and ministry scandals that had a significant impact on women. But for the most part it was a place where I posted information, research of others, etc. It was an intellectual endeavor where I shared my thinking with others who were interested in similar topics. For the most part it was low stress except for the occasional person who would attempt to shame me and school me on what a terrible woman I was for asking questions and studying these topics for myself.
I shut it down last year. Due to changes in our culture, the topic was becoming increasingly impacted by many other things happening in our country. The rise of intersectionality, social justice, and other things over the past two or three years meant that this topic was being overwhelmed by more “stuff” than I had time to read and process. It was no longer about some fairly cut and dried theological debate where you generally ended up on one side of the argument or the other based on trying to understand how to correctly interpret the Bible. I became increasingly concerned that I would be tangentially associated with some things I vehemently disagreed with and decided to take it all down. Those weren’t battles I wanted to fight. They weren’t topics I wanted to deep dive into. I found much of it so distressing and unbiblical that I simply took down the site. I wasn’t willing to invest the energy into it.
When I quit Facebook last year, I immediately lost several pounds. I had done absolutely nothing different. I truly believe it was from a drop in stress due to no longer being on that platform. I thought of that this week because I have inexplicably gained several pounds. Then I realized why.
It’s because I’ve been researching and writing for my new understanding culture and politics site (Finding the Truth in the Noise). My stress levels have gone way up. I’ve been stress snacking. And my sleep has been disrupted by my agitation which always causes me to gain weight.
The current political arena is absolutely toxic. It is stressful. And it is moving at such a breakneck speed that it’s virtually impossible to keep up with what is going on.
For someone with an intellectual overexcitability, reading and thinking and writing even in basic ways about culture and politics right now is like trying to fill a half a teaspoon from a fire hose that is fully open.
For someone who is strongly oriented toward truth, the current situation in our country is absolutely Orwellian. What some people are doing provokes such a strong response in me that it makes me physically ill.
So I question if I can even spend time thinking about these things long-term. As much as I find them interesting, I cannot simply make them an intellectual exercise and walk away. I’m not wired that way. So I’m looking at that website now and vacillating between knowing I probably made a mistake in starting it and being mad for being wired this way so I have to deal with this and can’t just be a “normal” person.
(NOTE: Since writing this post I have decided to delete that site and the related Twitter account. And then I re-opened it. And then I shut it down again and moved it to a forum here on this site. See how hard this stuff is if you have a child like this?)
The other thing that happened this week was a movie. Caroline wanted me to watch Big Hero 6 with her so I did.
It was a cute and funny movie. It was also intense. It was visually overwhelming. I felt the same way about it I felt about The LEGO Movie. Great movie and well done, but absolutely overwhelming for a highly-sensitive person.
By the time we were done with Big Hero 6, I felt visually, mentally, and emotionally assaulted. It might have been worse because I was already in a heightened emotional state due to the political stuff. But if I had been an immature child, I would have melted down at that point. I was absolutely raw. If I’m going to be totally honest, I was actually scared of how I felt for about an hour afterwards. It pushed me that much to the edge.
Just like the night I realized how much a simple Christmas program had left me on the edge of a meltdown, so I realized it anew this week.
Being a highly sensitive adult is a challenge. Being a highly sensitive child who doesn’t fully understand what is happening is even tougher.
Being a person with an intellectual overexcitability can be exhausting. How much more for the child who can’t figure out what to do with all the big emotions and thoughts that can come with it.
If you have a child who fits these descriptions, I sincerely hope you will take to heart what I’ve written. It is TOUGH to navigate all this.
So how do we help our highly sensitive kids navigate this stuff? How do we help our gifted kids who are wired to devour information and seek truth handle big topics?
These are some thoughts off the top of my head. I haven’t fully thought this through because this is truly fresh and raw for me. I went to bed thinking about this and woke up thinking about it. I hope other people will add their thoughts in the comments so we can support each other in this challenging parenting area.
(Or maybe this is YOUR life and not just the life of your child. I hope you will find encouragement as well.)
One thing I would suggest is really keeping an eye on what your child is consuming. What might seem like no big deal could be a very big deal.
For example, I went through a period in college when I was fascinated by World War 2. However, reading about the Nazis and seeing photographs of what they did gave me nightmares. I’m talking sitting-up-in-bed-drenched-in-a-cold-sweat-and-crying-out nightmares.
That study ended pretty quickly. Even now as an adult, I would never ever visit the Holocaust Museum or anything like that. I know my limits.
You need to know what your kid is reading and watching. Not because you don’t trust her, but because you need to keep an eye on her well-being.
Keep an eye on how politics and cultural happenings are being understood by your child. Our kids hear so much that they absolutely should not have to deal with. It makes me sick the way they are being robbed of their ability to be kids without worrying about every insane topic that fills the media today. Keep communication open in the way that works for your kid. I’ve learned how to best broach sensitive topics with my child. Know what works best for yours.
Please keep an eye out for overwhelm with your child. Is she quick to melt down over small things? Maybe she is entering a zone where she is truly starting to become overwhelmed. Adjust schedules and expectations as needed. Show her grace.
Above all else, recognize that meltdowns are a cry for help. Tantrums are selfish and self-centered. They are something totally different. Meltdowns tell us that our child is in desperate need of our help.
I sincerely hope this post helps at least a few parents better understand and support their child.
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Having a highly sensitive child is a challenge, especially when she is younger. She can’t fully explain what she feels and thinks. She is unable to think abstractly about topics in the way an adult can so it can be difficult to sort out exactly what is going on. That’s why picture books for highly sensitive children can be a powerful way to help children begin to understand their hard-to-express feelings and experiences.
Someone asked me about picture books for highly sensitive children in the comments of my post The Reality of Holiday Overwhelm for Highly Sensitive Children. I linked to a few books I found on Amazon, but mentioned I hadn’t read any of them.
Thankfully, one of the authors jumped in and offered to send me her book (all the way from Singapore!). I was so pleased to receive them so I could share more about them with my readers, many of whom have highly sensitive children who struggle with life beyond the quiet of home.
Leila Boukarim wrote All Too Much for Oliver to help highly sensitive children see themselves in a story and understand how they interact with the world around them.
Illustrated by Barbara Maxham, this lovely book is a fantastic and peaceful look at the challenges and joys of life as a highly sensitive child.
The book is very simply designed to be gentle and relaxing.
There is lots of white space and the pen and watercolor illustrations are lovely.
Boukarim and Maxham also collaborated on Aiden Finds a Way, a look at a boy who is overwhelmed when he goes to a special event at the firehouse.
Aiden has to work through his fears.
I can guarantee you that every child who is highly sensitive has felt just like Aiden in the illustration. So wanting to participate, but being overwhelmed by all the “other” stuff that goes with it. (Actually, plenty of highly sensitive adults struggle with the same dilemma on a regular basis.)
Both are lovely books with a strong message. The one tiny thing they didn’t address and I wish they did was the need for recovery time once a highly sensitive child gets home. That’s such an important part of being a highly sensitive person – decompressing afterwards. It doesn’t take away from me recommending the books at all. It’s simply an aspect I wish had been included.
I think they are wonderful books if you have a highly sensitive child who struggles with feeling different from other kids or simply struggles to fit into the world around her. All Too Much for Oliver and Aiden Finds a Way do an excellent job of starting the conversation about being comfortable with who you are while also taking brave steps forward and making small changes.
All Too Much for Oliver
Aiden Finds a Way
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Over the past several years, I’ve written numerous times about our challenges with parenting and church. But some things have happened over the past few months that made me realize I needed to write an update regarding children who struggle with church and how it has played out in our family. I think it’s especially important because I’m hopeful it will encourage parents who aren’t as far along the parenting path whether they read it now or find it at some point in the future.
By way of background, almost three years ago I wrote a series entitled Raising Gifted Children in the Christian Faith. In that series, I put forth some of the difficulties that parents face when raising a gifted or twice-exceptional (2e) child as it relates to matters of faith. I also wrote about our struggles with our daughter’s desire to avoid church due to being a highly-sensitive person. If you aren’t familiar with them, here is a bit of a run down.
Truth be told, we did not attend church for a number of years despite the fact that our faith is very important to us. There were multiple reasons (including my health), but even if I had been healthy I don’t think it would have changed things a great deal. Church was simply an uncomfortable place for our daughter. It was too loud, too busy visually, had too many people, there were too many people invading her space, etc. We tried different churches off and on, but nothing ever worked well.
Until this past fall.
We finally did find a smaller church where we all felt comfortable. It’s in the denomination I grew up in. It’s traditional. It’s fairly quiet. The sanctuary is restful. The pastor preaches the Gospel and is not a screamer. There is no loud rock band. There is no light show. There are down-to-earth people who are friendly, but not overly so. The service is orderly so we all know generally what to expect.
It works.
It works so well that Caroline even asked if she would ever be able to play the piano in church. I told her she would when she was ready because it is the kind of church that wants everyone of all ages to participate, not just the staff or the people deemed worthy.
There were a few other things that happened that were truly answers to prayer. Our homeschool co-op has a Christmas program each year and Caroline has never participated. She refused to do anything that meant going up on a stage. This past December she sang with her class. It was the first time I’ve ever seen her participate in anything like this (and she’s eleven). We stayed to watch the middle school play and she loved it.
In fact, she plans on signing up for drama at co-op next year.
And recently her GEMS club did a GEMS service at the church where they have the club (not the church we attend). Caroline passed out bulletins, seated people, and participated in the song/dance that the girls did to help lead the worship service. She looked like a total natural and no one would ever have known it was the first time she’s ever done anything like that. She did not want a speaking part, but that is probably coming with joining drama next year.
I don’t have any pictures to share. I did take a couple at Christmas, but she was so far away they aren’t very clear. For the GEMS Sunday I chose to just sit there and be in the moment, not worrying about video or pictures. (I was also focused on not breaking out sobbing from thankfulness – really.)
(But I do have this picture of us from this fall.)
I cannot tell you what has changed over the past year. She has had the same co-op teachers a few times over the past several years and they have commented to us in recent months on how much she has changed. Other people can see it too. I really don’t know what clicked or why it clicked. It could be any combination of things.
All I know is that we gave her time and space. We backed off and did not push her to fit our agenda of life when it was clear our life agenda (such as attending church each week) was not working for her and was, in fact, traumatizing her.
I write this to give parents hope. I don’t know if every scenario will work out like ours has. I can only share our story and tell you that even though we made a lot of decisions that people didn’t understand, we did the right thing for our daughter in this area as well as homeschooling. We have prayed every step of the way and I believe God has guided us even when it seemed like we couldn’t possibly be making the right choices.
I’m in the process of writing an ebook that I’ll be selling on my site. The working title is, “Help! I Don’t Understand My Child!” because that best sums up my mothering experience the first ten years. I’m not done with my parenting journey. I can’t tell you how it will all turn out and I won’t even pretend that I have all the answers for the years ahead. I can say we are in a good place right now. Not perfect because nothing involving human beings is ever perfect. But we’re in a good place and I’m very thankful for that.
If you feel like you are drowning or losing your mind because you just can’t figure it out or you feel like you are making decisions for your child that no one understands or supports and yet deep in your gut you know they are the right ones… I do want to offer support and hope that it can get better. In our case, it has gotten much better and I’m so thankful to be able to say that.
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