I originally wrote this December 15, 2015. I’m bumping it up out of love and on behalf of all the children who need extra grace and consideration during the coming weeks.
I’m a highly sensitive person with a highly sensitive child. I’ve written often about this topic and even have a page on this site devoted to parenting a highly sensitive child. If you aren’t familiar with it, the idea of what it means to be highly sensitive is covered in the books The Highly Sensitive Person
So the reality of the highly sensitive person is something I’m well aware of and deal with on a regular basis. But sometimes I forget how many adjustments we’ve made to our lives in order to live peacefully with our sensitivity. I forget what the overwhelm feels like.
Last night was the big reminder.
Positive But Overload
We attended the Christmas showcase for our homeschool co-op. For a number of reasons, this is the first time we’ve attended even though we’ve been members for five years. We’re blessed with a quality Christian co-op and the evening was very nice. We were happy to be there. We had positive interactions with numerous people. There was not one negative thing about the evening.
But it was loud. And busy. Of the 600-700 people who were there, probably two-thirds of them were children. It was sensory overload both in the sanctuary and the narthex.
We left at the intermission because all three of us were pretty maxed out by that point.
What shocked me was how I felt when I got home.
Sensory Overload Meltdown
I’m a 48 year old woman who knows this stuff inside and out. When I walked in the door to my home, I literally felt on the verge of tears and was physically and emotionally numb. I’m still exhausted today.
There is zero doubt in my mind that if I were a child, I would have had a major meltdown last night. I had to measure my words very carefully the rest of the evening because every single sound made me want to go off. Every perky sentence by my sweet daughter made me want to lose it.
It was total and complete sensory overload.
Caroline handled it much better than she would have a few years ago. She’s learned ways to cope with situations like this because we’ve talked about it a lot. But last night I let her play Animal Jam on her computer well past her regular bedtime because I knew she needed to decompress. I’ve let her do pretty much whatever she wanted to this morning. I can tell she’s still decompressing as well.
Extra Stimulation Ahead for Your Highly Sensitive Child
If you have a child who is highly sensitive, please be aware of how much extra stimulation she is getting during the holidays. There is so much that is different and it all has to be processed through her highly sensitive system.
- Foods
- Lights
- People
- Presents
- Activities
- New places
- New people
- Sugar everywhere
- Late nights
- Disrupted routines
It’s a tremendous amount for the average adult to deal with. Multiply it by a thousand if you have a highly sensitive child.
Thriving In a Highly Sensitive Family
As I said above, we’ve made a lot of changes to our lives to thrive as a family.
- We live on a quiet cul-de-sac in a cute little town.
- We work from home.
- We’ve done hibernation homeschooling.
- We’ve learned to say “no” to so many things.
- We haven’t been attending church (for a variety of health-related reasons as well).
- We’ve added more margin into our lives because we have a differently-wired child.
- We’ve faced the reality of learning and parenting differently with a differently-wired child.
- We’ve ruthlessly decluttered.
We live a very simple and quiet life because it works for us.
Last night was a reminder of how well it works for us.
The holidays can be a wonderful time if you make them work for the unique family needs you have. If you have a highly sensitive child, please take a look at all you have planned for the coming weeks. Please be extra in tune with what your child needs. Please be extra gracious if your child acts out on the overwhelm. Make lovely memories together based on the special way God has put your family together.
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I bowed out early from a joyous and lively Christmas party early last weekend…it was just too much. Found a quiet corner to read in while my family enjoyed the party for another hour. It does take a long time to decompress, afterward.
I need a book for a highly sensitive child about being highly sensitive. age 6….. any ideas?
Here are a few that I found on Amazon {aff}. I haven’t viewed any of them so I can’t speak to the quality or how they cover the topic.
All Too Much For Oliver
Sensitive Sam
Being a Highly Sensitive Kid
Super Emotions
Hello Sallie, I am the author of All Too Much for Oliver. I’d love to send you a soft copy if you’d like to read the story yourself. You can find out more about our work here: My Quiet Adventures – Picture Books for Highly Sensitive Children
Sincerely,
Leila
Thanks, Leila! I would love to see the book. I am sending you an email at your gmail account.
Sallie
Hi Sallie, I just realized you write this two years ago! [i checked my inbox though and I never received an email from you. The offer still stands if you’d like the book 🙂
Hi Leila!
Good to see you again! Yes, I’d still love a copy of the book. Do you want to email me first (sallie at sallieborrink dot com) and then I’ll reply to your email? That way gmail won’t gobble mine up and send it to the spam bin.
Sallie
Hi Leila,
I just put up a post about your two lovely books. Thank you so much for the opportunity to share them with my readers!
Sallie
Hi Sallie, I have just stumbled across your blog around sensitive and spirited children. Our 5 he old daughter has been quite feisty since she was 2yrs old and we have managed her strong behaviour very well up until now with a structured and loving framework. Sje has alwaus been excellent at going to bed. She needs lots of cuddles and love and can sometimes tantrum but recently she has become extremely difficult at bedtime but only at the point of lying down and going to sleep. She ends up going through this crazed phase where she runs around the house, empties her sister’s room down the stairs and she becomes a version of herself that I’ve never seen and do not like or know what to do with. We have tried every piece of advice about tricky bedtimes that we can find yet nothing is having any effect. After the episode our daughter is very remorseful and crying and loves us all again but during is disruptive and completely out of control. For the first time in our parenting, we are at a loss. Our daughter is just at the end of her first year at school and has done brilliantly. She’s reading unaided and a great communicator, fun, lively and so loving. We just don’t know where that incredible little girl goes at bedtime.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Kirsty,
The first things that pop into my mind are these questions…
1. Is she dreading something in the morning and acting out at bedtime because she knows what comes in the morning (school, daycare, bus ride, separation anxiety, bullying at school, etc.)? You mentioned she’s done with school for the year, but is she at home all day now or going to daycare during the school break?
2. Is she holding it all together all day until the point that she snaps in the evening? So she’s able to manage her emotions for a good part of the day, but eventually all that intensity HAS to come out. Many people with gifted/2e or spirited kids will share that their kids are great in school and their teachers love them but they are challenging at home. The parents realize it is because their kids are under stress all day at school to function and hold it together. When they get home to their “safe” place they are difficult because they are trying to unpack their day and recover from all the emotional garbage they’ve had to deal with and stuff down all day.
3. Have you changed anything she’s eating in the evening? The evening eating pattern? Anything different related to food?
Without knowing more about how she spends her days, it’s hard to pinpoint it. Those are the first ideas I have. My guess is the intensity and (I’m assuming) anger is coming from something. I’m thinking it has less to do with bedtime, per say, than something else that is getting triggered at that time of the day.
Thoughts?
Sallie
Did you see this post about age disequilibrium? Depending on her age, that could be coming into play. Caroline never acted out to the level you described, but we did go through a few brief disequilibrium phases where she was more prone to throwing stuff in anger.