Gifted/2e Women – A Series of Stories

Embracing Multipotentiality As A Gifted Adult – Heather’s Story

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January 30, 2017 | Sallie Borrink
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When did you know you were different from other children? Is there a particular event that stands out?

I remember sitting on a swing at recess when I was in first grade and feeling lonely. In looking back, I must have sensed my difference from that early age, too, but (like so many gifted children do) instead of identifying that I was different, I generally just blamed myself and felt there was something inherently deficient with me. It was a blessing when, as an adult (see below), I actually learned that I AM different and could embrace that.

When did you understand that it was giftedness that made you different?

I can pinpoint the exact moment. I was 32 and attended the state conference on giftedness in Minnesota to learn how to parent and effectively teach my gifted 5 year old. Listening to Dr. Edward Amend give his keynote, in which he expanded my understanding of giftedness beyond mere cognitive ability, it all clicked. I understood my son better. I understood myself better.

What are your primary areas of giftedness?

I definitely have emotional intensity and am gifted in my empathy and understanding of people. That’s a plus, I suppose, as I’m a mental health therapist! Ha! I’ve also got a wildly mathematical side and an intellectual side where I simply crave knowledge and learning. I’m constantly asking questions and analyzing and thinking things through. And then there’s the creative side of me in terms of problem solving, drama, writing, creating and imagining ideas.

Did you ever try to downplay your giftedness? Why or why not?

I’m still learning not to downplay my giftedness. It feels much more comfortable talking about my children’s giftedness than my own. As a child in elementary school I would intentionally sit at my desk pretending to work on a test I’d finished ten minutes earlier just so I wouldn’t be the first to hand it in. As I became older, I would play stupid, especially around boys, though as I’m typing this, I’m not sure if it was playing stupid or if I simply felt stupid and didn’t trust my own intelligence. Honestly, it wasn’t until my late 20’s that I even considered myself particularly intelligent. I realize this is somewhat contradictory to what I just stated about hiding the fact that I finished tests quicker, but in truth, I learned to doubt myself and didn’t really understand that the programs and opportunities and things like finishing tests quickly were at all related to my intelligence. I truly believed anyone could achieve these things and it was some fluke that I was included in the honors college at my university or the accelerated math program in high school.

Did your parents understand that you were gifted? How did they support you?

Yes. Kind of. They enrolled me in gifted programs and summer programs throughout elementary, middle, and high school. But, I don’t think they really understood what giftedness entails. So they supported the academics and enrichment, but didn’t even know that I might need other kinds of support to manage the challenges of giftedness.

Do you wish your parents had handled your giftedness in a different way?

This isn’t necessarily specific to my parents, but I wish society had understood giftedness better. I wish that I had been educated about what giftedness means, how it might impact my life (in great ways and in difficult ways), about how only 2 percent or less of the population is similarly wired and experiences the world with similar intensity. About how to be confidently unique and embrace my giftedness.

Was there a teacher or other adult who impacted your giftedness in a profound way?

I had an AP American History teacher in High School who was the only teacher who actually made me think and challenged me. He encouraged reflection and independent thought as opposed to rote memorization or spitting somebody else’s information back out. And then in college, I had a humanities professor my freshman year who tore apart my writing. This was initially very difficult for me and I hated going to her class, but in the long run, I’m so thankful that I was challenged and I learned what actual learning looks and feels like. She taught me that my brain is supposed to sweat if I’m actually learning something. I learned to push myself rather than simply be complacent in the easy parts of “learning” (which isn’t really learning at all).

Was there a teacher or other adult who made your experience as a gifted girl more difficult?

My dad’s own giftedness, intensities, and perfectionism made being a gifted girl more difficult. Instead of learning how to challenge and modulate my innate, gifted perfectionism, his own perfectionism grew mine. I also had a professor my freshman year of college who shamed me for quitting my pre-med/chemistry track. According to him, it was shameful to not pursue the talent I have in the sciences. This was really difficult to take as an 18-year-old who was finally making a choice to follow what I was actually passionate about. He obviously didn’t understand multipotentiality.

What do you wish someone had told you when you were in elementary school? Middle school? High school?

Be bold. Make mistakes. Learning is hard work and if you aren’t frustrated you aren’t really learning. Try new things. You ARE different than most of the population and that has good parts and not so good parts to it. It’s okay to simply follow what you want to do. Your worth has absolutely nothing to do with your accomplishments.

What brings you the most joy as a gifted woman?

Conversations with gifted kids and youth. I LOVE the humor and the wild imaginations and helping them learn to understand themselves better. Second to that is conversations with the parents of these gifted kids and youth. Such an honor to be able to support them through the journey and, in turn, I feel supported, too.

What brings you the most difficulty or pain as a gifted woman?

Managing my multipotentiality and being sure that all aspects of me are being appropriately fed in a balanced way.

Do you or have you ever struggled with imposter syndrome? How do you effectively deal with it?

For sure. I basically use all my anxiety management strategies (breathing, self-care, mindfulness, meditation, music, alone time, etc) and step into the fear. I’ve grown quite accustomed to feeling like I’m faking things, but doing it anyway!

Does your faith impact how you view your giftedness as a woman? How?

I don’t know that my faith impacts my view of myself as a gifted woman, but it definitely empowers me to continue to embrace all of my uniqueness. I find it simply amazing and awe-inspiring that of the billions and billions of people who have set foot on this earth, no 2 are exactly the same. We are each divinely created to be unique and it is our responsibility to let the light of our own uniqueness shine. My faith reminds me that, with God, I do not need to be afraid. This frees me to step out and take risks to more fully live out my life’s purposes.

What would you tell women who have only understood they are gifted now as an adult?

You are not alone. Find ways to be surrounded with other gifted individuals. Be you.

How do your experiences as a gifted woman impact how you raise and educate your own gifted daughter?

My daughter and I are so very different and I think I learn more from her about being bold and feisty and authentic than I teach her! Maybe that’s because I’ve been very intentional in trying to help her embrace her own strengths and limitations, so she does not have to feel like she needs to hide herself in the same ways I did.

What would you tell parents of gifted daughters?

Know that there continue to be people and beliefs out there who will try to minimize your daughter’s worth and ignore her giftedness. I wrote a post about a time when a stranger tried to convince my daughter that she should be a model instead of the doctor or engineer that my daughter wants to be. Thankfully, my daughter was able to disregard her, but our girls are still needing to face misogyny, which can be extremely difficult for gifted girls and young women to face. Help your daughters feel strong and determine their own worth based on their own values.

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Discovering Giftedness As An Adult – Mary’s Story

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January 17, 2017 | Sallie Borrink
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When did you know you were different from other children? Is there a particular event that stands out?

I always knew I was different. I think the harshest realization was as a teen when the group of teens at our church made fun of me. I always thought it was for other reasons than being gifted. I was more interested in reading than boys or makeup, and I struggled with social cues. I was the stereotypical awkward, wince-inducing nerd.

When did you understand that it was giftedness that made you different?

Not until I was an adult with my own gifted children. In fact, when I was doing research trying to understand my kids’ needs, I started seeing things that resonated with my own personality and sensitivities. I didn’t fully admit that I was gifted until two things happened: I read Paula Prober’s book Your Rainforest Mind: A Guide to the Well-Being of Gifted Adults and Youth, and a new scientific study came out linking intelligence level to the maternal DNA instead of paternal. Until then I had blamed my husband for my son’s giftedness.

I’m something of a conundrum: I excel at writing, I’m logical and intellectual, but I’m highly creative. If I had to list just one thing it would be creative, because that covers my art, my writing, and everything that matters most to me.

Did you ever try to downplay your giftedness? Why or why not?

I never thought I was gifted, I just thought I was smart. I always downplayed that because in the authoritarian religious setting that I grew up in, smart women were dangerous. Uppity. My extra sensitivities were laughed at, and I internalized a lot instead of sharing it because ridicule is incredibly withering to a creative. Because I’m an introvert anyway, it wasn’t a hard thing for me to simply shut down and not share what I was thinking or feeling with anyone.

Did your parents understand that you were gifted? How did they support you?

You have to understand that I come from an incredibly dysfunctional family. No, my parents didn’t understand gifted at all. They still don’t. They knew I was smart, that was about it. Because I was homeschooled there was no school system in place to identify gifted, but they did meet me at my level and push me, challenge me to excel academically. The artistic/creative side of me was completely unsupported and ignored. It wasn’t until college that I found the creative outlet that I needed and became an artist.

Do you wish your parents had handled your giftedness in a different way?

I often wish that much of my childhood had been handled differently. I think my personality as a gifted female was completely squashed and molded to fit societal norms. In the time and place that I grew up, being overemotional or sensitive was considered weird or undesirable.

Was there a teacher or other adult who impacted your giftedness in a profound way?

My mother was my primary teacher, and she made one huge decision that greatly influenced me. She saw that I struggled with handwriting, so she assigned a course of typewriting when I was a teenager. That made such a profound difference in today’s digital age. I can express myself at the speed I think, and actually read it later (unlike my handwriting!)

One other adult that impacted me greatly was a school teacher who taught a homeschool co-op class on Biology. I think he was the first adult who realized my abilities and wanted me to succeed – and his approval meant a lot to me.

Was there a teacher or other adult who made your experience as a gifted girl more difficult?

My chemistry teacher in a different co-op made my life difficult. I don’t do chemistry well unless I understand the underlying “why” and she didn’t take kindly to being asked questions. She probably did more to turn me away from science than anyone else.

What do you wish someone had told you when you were in elementary school? Middle school? High school?

That I wasn’t weird or stupid. That it was ok to be curious and creative. That I didn’t have to be perfect at everything, or go headlong into depression because I knew I was capable of so much but I couldn’t seem to do anything that people valued.

What brings you the most joy as a gifted woman?

My art. There’s this wonderful singing moment when the print starts to surface in the developer and you feel like you’ve just given birth to something beautiful. It’s like magic, and I’m the magician making it happen. It’s an incredibly powerful thing.

What brings you the most difficulty or pain as a gifted woman?

My sensitivities. I hate having to worry about always having sunglasses on, or if walking past the perfume counter at the mall will give me a migraine.

I still struggle with being dismissed because I’m “overly sensitive.” Our society places a low value on women’s intelligence anyway, and when I do things like ‘cry when I get angry’ people assume I’m not smart.

Do you or have you ever struggled with impostor syndrome? How do you effectively deal with it?

I deal with imposter syndrome every day. I’m not good enough, smart enough, or creative enough. Someone will find out and I will be humiliated in front of the world. Even as a child and teenager I’ve struggled with it. Not being able to label it made it even worse!

I deal with it by smacking down that little voice in my head with facts. I am who I am, and I’m proud of it. I’ve worked hard to get to this point, and while there will always be people who are better than I am, I’m pretty darn good at certain things. I admit that I can always learn more and I can always do better, but that doesn’t cancel out my abilities.

Honestly, that’s something that came with age and maturity. Learning to accept who I am and love who I am without worrying so much about others judging me has been a very hard road.

Does your faith impact how you view your giftedness as a woman? How?

I am a Christian despite my background, not because of it. In truth, my giftedness probably caused that: I’m too logical to accept that there is no God despite rejecting the rotting trappings of religion that I dealt with as a child. These days my giftedness leads me to reject some things about organized religion, but not the presence of God. My faith is deep but my patience is thin with humanity.

What would you tell women who have only understood they are gifted now as an adult?

You’re not weird. You’re not overly sensitive (well, maybe you are, but not in a negat

ive way.) You are special and unique, and it’s ok to embrace that! Don’t be afraid to wear that label with pride – you earned it.

How do your experiences as a gifted woman impact how you raise and educate your own gifted daughter?

I’m certainly much more tolerant and accepting of the drama and melodramatics that she produces. I understand that she’s her own unique person, and I will never tell her that she’s over-reacting. I will support her, give her every opportunity her brothers have, and I will never tell her that she’s not good enough. I don’t want her to experience the heartbreak and rejection that I did as a child.

What would you tell parents of gifted daughters?

Love them for who they are, even if you don’t understand them. Don’t treat them differently than you would a son – if they love science, then encourage that! If they want to learn how to change a tire, that’s a great life skill. Don’t let your expectations limit what she can do.

Photo credit: Mary

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Gifted/2e, Stealth Dyslexia, and a Mother’s Support – Nicole’s Story

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December 23, 2015 | Sallie Borrink
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When did you know you were different from other children? Is there a particular event that stands out?

I knew pretty early that I was different from other children. I believe I was about 3 to 4 years of age. My first friendships with children seem to be of most frustration. I remember trying to mingle more with their parents than my age peers. I also wanted to interact with children years older than me, mostly 4 years older, though they were too old and weren’t really interested in befriending a 4 year old. (I don’t blame them.) I don’t really have one particular event that stands out. But I do have a collection of memories that I have saved in my memory bank that stood out to me as being different from most.

When did you understand that it was giftedness that made you different?

I’m a late bloomer when it comes to the term, giftedness. I actually grew up thinking I was “dumb”. I have stealth dyslexia that wasn’t known till recently and this played a major part of why I felt, less than. It wasn’t until I had my daughter that I came across the term gifted, and that’s when I pieced parts of the puzzle together for myself, that it actually hit me that it was giftedness that made me different.

What are your primary areas of giftedness?

I would say I’m artistically inclined. Also writing seems to be a strong point, though I never followed through like I should have.

Did you ever try to downplay your giftedness? Why or why not?

When I first found out that all these years I wasn’t actually “less than” but 2e gifted, I had impostor syndrome. I was in denial and felt I wasn’t allowed to call myself gifted because I was never formally tested though the more I read, the more I knew I am. But beyond the past few years, prior to finding the term giftedness, I did, actually. I hid much of myself. Giftedness is more than academic acceleration, its also encompasses how you think, how you feel, how you process information, to sensitivities and over excitabilities… and I absolutely hid a lot of this to conform to being like my peers. It was hard. Instead of trying to fit in academically, because the stealth dyslexia made it hard to attain high grades in some areas, I focused more on my looks to try and fit in. I hid my sensitivities and over excitabilities and tried to appear as cool and natural as possible, knowing full well that I was hiding and putting on a mask.

Did your parents understand that you were gifted? How did they support you?

My parents never did understand the term gifted. They always taught us that everyone has special talents, but I was never tested for gifted because my 2e canceled out my academic giftedness. They knew I was smart and thought I was lazy and not living up to my potential while in school. They supported my creative side but that’s not the same as academics. There’s no pressure if you receive a C in art but there’s a lot of pressure if you receive a C in math.

Do you wish your parents had handled your giftedness in a different way?

Because of my unique situation, I don’t think they would have known how to handle me any differently. And at the time, giftedness wasn’t widely known like it is now. Especially, 2e gifted. I was an intense child. Very spirited and school didn’t like that. I felt the pressure from the school to conform to being an obedient and quiet child. I faked being sick a lot (this was in 2nd grade, mind you) and so my parents became in trouble by the school and the truancy officer and so they kicked the pressure on high. My mother had dyslexia herself and so she didn’t think she could homeschool then even though I wish I could have been homeschooled, starting in 2nd grade. I guess to fully answer your question, I wish my intensities and over-excitablilties would have been scaffolded instead of extinguished. I didn’t know how to handle them so I ended up acting out at home and became painfully quiet in school.

Was there a teacher or other adult who impacted your giftedness in a profound way?

I would say my mother. After years of hammering down, she realized that I had become someone other than myself. I went from being a leader to someone who was just floating through life. I became socially paralyzed, quiet and depressed. She singlehandedly pulled me out of this. She clung to me and gave me courage to become more myself. She encouraged me to take acting classes which helped to pull me out of my extreme social anxiety and she apologized for not seeing the damage being done sooner. Just by her act of recognizing this, and giving me the recognition I needed and yearned, it allowed me to blossom into a person with a purpose.

Was there a teacher or other adult who made your experience as a gifted girl more difficult?

I feel like almost every teacher made my experience more difficult, other than a handful of teachers. Most teachers found my intense personality and a natural born leader qualities a challenge when I was younger and I was quick to learn that these qualities weren’t wanted. Then as I grew older, and became more quiet, I learned that being too quiet wasn’t wanted either. Most adults let me know that nothing was good enough. That is what I found most difficult. Especially as a child who is a perfectionist and is already hard ones-self.

What do you wish someone had told you when you were in elementary school? Middle school? High school?

Honestly, from the beginning, I wish someone would have said, public school isn’t working, why don’t we try homeschooling. And, These sensitivities and OE’s are not silly nor are you weird but they are what could be potentially great traits to have if harnessed right and if taught how to work through them and cope, instead of ignore. Look at it as more as a superpower than an “ugly mole” of sorts.

What brings you the most joy as a gifted woman?

Honestly, I don’t even know if it has to do with being a woman, but just finding out about giftedness and learning how to better handle my daughter, and to not let her repeat what I lived through, that brings me most joy.

What brings you the most difficulty or pain as a gifted woman?

What brings me most pain as a gifted woman, is the lack of awareness of what gifted actually is. I feel it when I try and connect with other mothers. I see it when others show jealousy. Its disheartening. I wish the stigma of giftedness could be broken.

Do you or have you ever struggled with impostor syndrome? How do you effectively deal with it?

All my life. I was friends with really smart kids, but I was afraid to let them know my struggles in school in fear they would not be my friend because I was afraid they would have seen me as being less than and a fraud. As if I didn’t deserve their friendship because I was dumb. Every job I had I earned without a diploma. I often feared they would find out that I wasn’t worth the position I had. I was constantly afraid I was going to lose my job in fear that I wasn’t what they thought I was. It wasn’t until recently that I heard of impostor syndrome. Having confidence in and understanding myself has helped me effectively deal with it.

Does your faith impact how you view your giftedness as a woman? How?

I believe it does. It keeps me grounded and humbled. Also as a child growing up feeling lost, it was my faith in God that helped to carry me through. I feel if I didn’t have the faith I have, I could have gone down a dark scary path. But He kept me grounded and when I felt no one else loved me, I knew He did. And being a gifted woman, can be quite lonely. So having Him to lean on, has helped tremendously.

What would you tell women who have only understood they are gifted now as an adult?

Don’t be afraid to claim it. Even if you felt you were dumb all your life. Besides my faith, this has been one thing that has also helped to “set me free”. Connect. Connect with others through social media, in real life. It helps to find your tribe and to be able to form friendships or even become acquaintances with those in similar situations. It will help get over the shock and also help heal. Also read. Read as much as you can on the subject of giftedness. The more we educate ourselves, the more we can educate and help others.

How do your experiences as a gifted woman impact how you raise and educate your own gifted daughter?

The impact was significant enough to have made me decide to homeschool my daughter. I honestly don’t want her to struggle like I had. Or like many others have. I know I can’t keep her from all harm but I can change how her education will be. And I want it to be as rich as possible. I was so bored in school, I barely payed any attention. I don’t want her to experience the same level of numbness. Her creative nature is most of how she learns and expresses herself. And so to let her learn creatively is going to be my top priority.

What would you tell parents of gifted daughters?

Girls are really good at being chameleons and hiding their giftedness to fit in. Encourage her to be herself and advocate for them. Find what makes them tick and give them what they need to keep on ticking. If they are talented in the arts, allow them to pursue the arts and give that as much praise as those who would excel in mathematics. In the end, they as individuals matter more than their grades. Their emotional well being is just as important as their academics/performance, if not more. One day that girl will grow up to be a grown member of society. She will be contributing/ working in one form or another and so I believe scaffolding the child instead of hammering away to conformity is one way to help bring out self confidence and to become what SHE wants to be, not what others want her to be.

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