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Sallie Schaaf Borrink

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Classical Conversations Negatives And Why We Didn’t Join

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View Full Post with Embedded ContentClassical Conversations Negatives And Why We Didn’t Join

One of the most popular homeschooling programs currently available is Classical Conversations (CC). When CC came to our area a few years ago, I explored it as an option even though we are relaxed homeschoolers. I taught for a year in a Classical Christian school and therefore was very familiar with classical education. CC offers a number of features that interested me including the advertised community aspect. In fact, I checked it out two years in a row because I really wanted to like it and I wanted it to be a good fit for our family. In the end, we opted not to participate in CC.

There are several reasons why we chose not to join Classical Conversations. I am sharing what I see as some of the Classical Conversations negatives. This review is for parents who are exploring CC, but may be doubting their own research or perspective. I’m listing my reasons in roughly the order of importance for our particular family, starting with the most important.

It is my hope this overview of our thoughts will be helpful for other parents as they seek to make decisions for their particular child and family. Many people enthusiastically participate and current members can be very persuasive when inviting people to join. However, every family is different and not every opportunity is a good fit, no matter how much someone else may like it and recommend it.

Classical Conversations Negatives and Why We Didn't Join

Rigidity Of Classical Conversations Program

The rigidity of the program was one of the first red flags that Classical Conversations would not work with our child. I think CC can probably be a very positive experience for kids if they have a learning style that fits well with the program. For others, it will be disastrous.

For example, it became clear to me that if your child needs legitimate accommodations due to real learning differences or challenges, it isn’t going to be a good fit. Classical Conversations is a tightly controlled program with a clear hierarchy. They have very definite ways of doing things handed down from the corporate entity. While some families might find this rigidity a source of accountability, other families will find the rigidity stifling. We are in the latter group.

If I’m going to be perfectly honest, I would have had fewer qualms about this before I became the parent of a gifted/2e child. When you are parenting a child who doesn’t fit the normal parameters, you look at everything very differently. The tight structure I would have seen as a positive before I became a mother became a huge negative. A tight schedule with very definite parameters and very little room for rabbit trails would frustrate my child. There is a reason we became relaxed homeschoolers bordering at times on unschoolers. Classical Conversations would not fit my child at all however much I might like about the classical approach.

Performing and Perfection

There is definitely a strong performance component to Classical Conversations. One of the things people say they love about it is how amazing it is to hear the kids recite or perform all of the facts they have learned. Again, before becoming a mother I would have loved that aspect of it. I now have a child who does not like to perform in any way, shape, or form. She backed out of being a flower girl because she didn’t want people looking at her. She is not a performer. She’s not interested in singing or chanting what she is learning. She’s also not interested in recalling facts or information under pressure.

So for example, there is the Memory Masters program which rewards students who master everything and demonstrate it through multiple “proofings.” When I met with someone from CC a few years ago, she made it very clear that perfection was the standard. A memorization competition that demands perfection? I would have totally rocked that when I was a kid. I was brilliant at everything memorization – school, AWANA, VBS, etc. However, it would be a terrible fit for my daughter. Many gifted/2e kids already struggle with perfectionism. The last thing I need to do is add more fuel to the fire by putting her into a situation where the line between excellence and perfection is razor-thin to non-existent.

(I looked up Memory Masters Guide to make sure I was remembering this correctly and it appears there is some wiggle room now. They apparently do allow for a teeny teeny tiny bit of room for Mastery versus Perfection.)

However, as I said before, there is no accommodation for kids who have learning differences. From the Guide:

Can directors change the requirements for Memory Masters for students with special needs, especially those who have dyslexia, dysgraphia, or are on the autism spectrum?

Classical Conversations is honored that families who have children with different kinds of special needs like dyslexia, dysgraphia, or autism participate in the Foundations program. Students with many different abilities and capabilities enjoy, benefit from, and are valuable members of our local CC communities.  We celebrate each achievement.  The Memory Master title is set aside for those who are able to meet the required objectives.  The director should be aware of physical limitations and may extend time and offer a break during proofing.  The Memory Master requirements should remain the same for all subjects. Memory Master is not for every child, and that is really OK! If your child cannot meet the requirements for mastery, we recommend that you create your own special “Memory Master” rules and reward system for your home school.

While I believe that CC has every right to set the standards they wish, I would not feel comfortable taking my child into a situation where she would always feel “less” for not being able to do what is put out there as something to achieve, even if it is not required.

Classical Conversations Cost

Classical Conversations is not cheap. We live in a fairly affluent area, but we are not well-to-do ourselves relative to a significant portion of the population around us. I felt a distinct subtle shaming when I expressed my concern about the total cost (which I don’t think I knew about before I attended a one-on-one informational meeting). The reason I remember the feeling of shame so vividly is because it completely blindsided me. I wasn’t expecting it.

For families where money isn’t a concern, the cost of CC might not be a big deal. But I felt the cost outweighed any potential benefits Caroline might have derived from it. It was explained to me that I could become a tutor to pay for it, but I did not want to take that on for a number of reasons (including the last reason we didn’t do CC).

Parents Must Stay For Classical Conversations Sessions

Although this is last on my list here, it was perhaps most important to me individually. To Caroline? No. But for me as the mom, this was a big negative.

Classical Conversations requires that parents stay for the entire time. At that time, we were participating in a Christian drop-off co-op which we really liked (and still do to this day). I’m not going to lie. We love being able to drop Caroline off for a few hours and get some time to ourselves. It’s the only time we get a parenting break ever.

I found the idea that parents had to stay off-putting. But I especially found the reason they gave made no sense. The reason provided is that the parents need to see the tutor demonstrating how to use the materials and how to present the information. Well, I could maybe accept that if we were talking about master teachers who were highly trained. But many of the tutors are parents who are tutoring to offset the cost of their own child attending. I have a teaching degree and have been a classroom teacher. Yet I would be expected to stay to watch another parent (who may or may not be a teacher) show me how to work with my child. I could get that from a one hour video rather than being forced to sit there for hours week after week.

So the parents have to stay so they can learn from the tutors, but anyone can become a tutor if they attend a couple of days of training. The material to be presented is so challenging that parents have to be there to learn how to do it at home, but anyone can learn to be a tutor in a few short training sessions. This made no sense to me then and it still doesn’t.

In the end, I didn’t want to sit in the back of the room for hours when I had other things I could be doing with my valuable time.

Classical Conversations Negatives

So those are a few of the negatives I found when I researched Classical Conversations as an option for our family. I know there are many families who love CC and are passionate evangelists for it. But I think it’s also helpful to read reviews from people who have seriously researched it, considered it, and realized that it isn’t a good fit for every family and every child. Understanding your child is the most important part of homeschooling, far more important than any popular movement or view within the homeschooling community. If you are someone looking for “permission” to not do CC even though it is popular where you live or for someone else to say, “This wouldn’t work for our family either,” I hope you found this post helpful and encouraging. In the end, we are happy with our decision to be relaxed homeschoolers. 

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Embracing Multipotentiality As A Gifted Adult – Heather’s Story

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View Full Post with Embedded ContentEmbracing Multipotentiality As A Gifted Adult – Heather’s Story

When did you know you were different from other children? Is there a particular event that stands out?

I remember sitting on a swing at recess when I was in first grade and feeling lonely.  In looking back, I must have sensed my difference from that early age, too, but (like so many gifted children do) instead of identifying that I was different, I generally just blamed myself and felt there was something inherently deficient with me.  It was a blessing when, as an adult (see below), I actually learned that I AM different and could embrace that.

When did you understand that it was giftedness that made you different?

I can pinpoint the exact moment.  I was 32 and attended the state conference on giftedness in Minnesota to learn how to parent and effectively teach my gifted 5 year old.  Listening to Dr. Edward Amend give his keynote, in which he expanded my understanding of giftedness beyond mere cognitive ability, it all clicked.  I understood my son better.  I understood myself better.

What are your primary areas of giftedness?

I definitely have emotional intensity and am gifted in my empathy and understanding of people.  That’s a plus, I suppose, as I’m a mental health therapist!  Ha!  I’ve also got a wildly mathematical side and an intellectual side where I simply crave knowledge and learning.  I’m constantly asking questions and analyzing and thinking things through.  And then there’s the creative side of me in terms of problem solving, drama, writing, creating and imagining ideas.

Did you ever try to downplay your giftedness? Why or why not?

I’m still learning not to downplay my giftedness.  It feels much more comfortable talking about my children’s giftedness than my own.  As a child in elementary school I would intentionally sit at my desk pretending to work on a test I’d finished ten minutes earlier just so I wouldn’t be the first to hand it in.  As I became older, I would play stupid, especially around boys, though as I’m typing this, I’m not sure if it was playing stupid or if I simply felt stupid and didn’t trust my own intelligence.  Honestly, it wasn’t until my late 20’s that I even considered myself particularly intelligent.  I realize this is somewhat contradictory to what I just stated about hiding the fact that I finished tests quicker, but in truth, I learned to doubt myself and didn’t really understand that the programs and opportunities and things like finishing tests quickly were at all related to my intelligence.  I truly believed anyone could achieve these things and it was some fluke that I was included in the honors college at my university or the accelerated math program in high school.

Did your parents understand that you were gifted? How did they support you?

Yes.  Kind of.  They enrolled me in gifted programs and summer programs throughout elementary, middle, and high school.  But, I don’t think they really understood what giftedness entails.  So they supported the academics and enrichment, but didn’t even know that I might need other kinds of support to manage the challenges of giftedness.

Do you wish your parents had handled your giftedness in a different way?

This isn’t necessarily specific to my parents, but I wish society had understood giftedness better.  I wish that I had been educated about what giftedness means, how it might impact my life (in great ways and in difficult ways), about how only 2 percent or less of the population is similarly wired and experiences the world with similar intensity.  About how to be confidently unique and embrace my giftedness.

Was there a teacher or other adult who impacted your giftedness in a profound way?

I had an AP American History teacher in High School who was the only teacher who actually made me think and challenged me.  He encouraged reflection and independent thought as opposed to rote memorization or spitting somebody else’s information back out.  And then in college, I had a humanities professor my freshman year who tore apart my writing.  This was initially very difficult for me and I hated going to her class, but in the long run, I’m so thankful that I was challenged and I learned what actual learning looks and feels like.  She taught me that my brain is supposed to sweat if I’m actually learning something.  I learned to push myself rather than simply be complacent in the easy parts of “learning” (which isn’t really learning at all).

Was there a teacher or other adult who made your experience as a gifted girl more difficult?

My dad’s own giftedness, intensities, and perfectionism made being a gifted girl more difficult.  Instead of learning how to challenge and modulate my innate, gifted perfectionism, his own perfectionism grew mine.  I also had a professor my freshman year of college who shamed me for quitting my pre-med/chemistry track.  According to him, it was shameful to not pursue the talent I have in the sciences.  This was really difficult to take as an 18-year-old who was finally making a choice to follow what I was actually passionate about.  He obviously didn’t understand multipotentiality.

What do you wish someone had told you when you were in elementary school? Middle school? High school?

Be bold.  Make mistakes.  Learning is hard work and if you aren’t frustrated you aren’t really learning.  Try new things.  You ARE different than most of the population and that has good parts and not so good parts to it.  It’s okay to simply follow what you want to do.  Your worth has absolutely nothing to do with your accomplishments.

What brings you the most joy as a gifted woman?

Conversations with gifted kids and youth.  I LOVE the humor and the wild imaginations and helping them learn to understand themselves better.  Second to that is conversations with the parents of these gifted kids and youth.  Such an honor to be able to support them through the journey and, in turn, I feel supported, too.

What brings you the most difficulty or pain as a gifted woman?

Managing my multipotentiality and being sure that all aspects of me are being appropriately fed in a balanced way.

Do you or have you ever struggled with imposter syndrome? How do you effectively deal with it?

For sure.  I basically use all my anxiety management strategies (breathing, self-care, mindfulness, meditation, music, alone time, etc) and step into the fear.  I’ve grown quite accustomed to feeling like I’m faking things, but doing it anyway!

Does your faith impact how you view your giftedness as a woman? How?

I don’t know that my faith impacts my view of myself as a gifted woman, but it definitely empowers me to continue to embrace all of my uniqueness.  I find it simply amazing and awe-inspiring that of the billions and billions of people who have set foot on this earth, no 2 are exactly the same.  We are each divinely created to be unique and it is our responsibility to let the light of our own uniqueness shine.  My faith reminds me that, with God, I do not need to be afraid.  This frees me to step out and take risks to more fully live out my life’s purposes.

What would you tell women who have only understood they are gifted now as an adult?

You are not alone. Find ways to be surrounded with other gifted individuals.  Be you.

How do your experiences as a gifted woman impact how you raise and educate your own gifted daughter?

My daughter and I are so very different and I think I learn more from her about being bold and feisty and authentic than I teach her!  Maybe that’s because I’ve been very intentional in trying to help her embrace her own strengths and limitations, so she does not have to feel like she needs to hide herself in the same ways I did.

What would you tell parents of gifted daughters?

Know that there continue to be people and beliefs out there who will try to minimize your daughter’s worth and ignore her giftedness.  I wrote a post about a time when a stranger tried to convince my daughter that she should be a model instead of the doctor or engineer that my daughter wants to be.  Thankfully, my daughter was able to disregard her, but our girls are still needing to face misogyny, which can be extremely difficult for gifted girls and young women to face.  Help your daughters feel strong and determine their own worth based on their own values.

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Saying “No” To Homeschool Pressures

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View Full Post with Embedded ContentSaying “No” To Homeschool Pressures

If you’ve been homeschooling for any length of time, you know that it comes with its own set of pressures. Choosing a homeschool philosophy, curriculum, how you structure your day, and outside activities can all bring out very strong opinions among homeschoolers. Those are the external pressures. There are also internal pressures. Let’s look at some of the external and internal pressures homeschoolers often experience. Then we’ll explore a few ideas for saying “no” to homeschool pressures.

Please understand that these are generalizations designed to make people aware. I am not out to attack any specific group of homeschoolers. I am out to protect new homeschoolers from the pressures they might be blindsided with in the months ahead.

External Homeschool Pressures

We’ve all experienced the external homeschool pressures. Which ones below apply to you?

Family and Friends

These can fall either way. They can be the people who secretly want you to fail because they think homeschooling is the most ridiculous idea ever and you are going to ruin your child.

Or they can be the people who put pressure on you to be absolutely perfect and, in turn, try to put pressure on your children to perform whenever you are around them.

Competitive and Helicopter Homeschool Moms

Think competitive and helicopter moms only exist in the public and private schools? Think again.

Competitive moms and helicopter moms exist in the homeschool world. They seem to especially like to hang out in online forums, Facebook pages, and co-ops where they make sure everyone knows their child is the most awesome child ever and they are the best homeschool mom to ever walk the face of the earth.

Homeschool Know-It-Alls

These could be bloggers, people in your church, people in your co-op, or anyone else who has determined exactly what is and is not acceptable for all homeschoolers.

They will tell you the only acceptable way to homeschool (Charlotte Mason, Classical Conversations, radical unschooling, etc.). They will make clear the superior way to schedule your day. They will set up detailed plans of how you should run your home and homeschool because they have it all figured out.

Woe be unto any newbie homeschooler who dares to publicly question what they say.

Homeschool Theological Know-It-Alls

These folks take the know-it-all to the next level because they not only tell you how you should homeschool, but they present what they believe are air-tight cases from the Bible that prove their every point.

They are especially adept at talking but not listening.

Large Family Advocates

For some reason, there is a vocal group of homeschoolers who think that Christian = large families. If you are a Christian and not homeschooling a large family, you have totally missed the boat. They can be rather aggressive.

Adoption Advocates

Although I think this has lessened in the past year or two, there has been a vocal group of homeschoolers pushing for adoption, especially overseas adoption. And not just pushing. But basically saying if you don’t adopt an overseas child in need you must not love Jesus and you certainly aren’t following the directions from the Bible about caring for orphans.

In this case, it is Christian = multiple overseas adoptions.

So we ultimately end up with Christian = homeschool a large family with multiple overseas adoptions.

In the mind of this small but vocal group, when you are a Christian homeschooler with a large family that includes multiple overseas adoptions, you have pretty much reached the pinnacle of Christian homeschooling perfection.

(In which case I am a miserable failure with my home-grown only child.)

Internal Homeschool Pressures

The pressures aren’t limited to the external. Let’s face it. We put plenty of pressure on ourselves. What kinds?

Perfectionism and Procrastination

Many people who struggle with perfectionism are well aware of that trait in themselves. But did you know procrastination is a symptom of perfectionism for some people? Whichever end of the perfectionism spectrum you fall, perfectionism can be a huge internal pressure for homeschoolers.

Have you purchased the perfect curriculum? Maybe not? Better get a different one.

Have you signed your kids up for the right number of activities? Should they do more? Less? Different ones?

The list is endless of things homeschool parents can obsess over in their desire to give their children the best. homeschool. experience. EVER.

Fear

There isn’t a conscientious homeschooler alive who hasn’t been gripped by an overwhelming sense of fear at least one time.

  • Fear that we’re ruining our kids.
  • Fear that our kids won’t get what they need academically.
  • Fear that people will discover you’re a closet unschooler.
  • Fear we’re doing it all wrong.
  • Fear that people will find out your kids actually like learning with textbooks.

There’s a lot of things that could cause us to fear.

I’m personally convinced that being gripped by momentary fear at least once in a while is an indicator you are probably doing a good job. It means you sincerely care about your child’s education and that’s a good thing.

But we should never live in fear.

Saying “No” to Homeschool Pressures

So how do we say no to these pressures? We do it by regularly reminding ourselves of these important truths.

Every Child is Different

This is the bottom line. Every single child is different. There is no one way to homeschool effectively. Period. Tell yourself that every day if you have to. The more we focus on the idea that every child is different and every homeschool experience should look different, the sooner the homeschool pressures will dissipate.

Some children learn differently.

Some children are right-brained.

Every child has unique needs, including yours.

Every Family is Different

The only correct way to homeschool your family is the way that means your children learn and you have healthy relationships in your home.

How you get that done is up to you. For us it has meant adjusting expectations even to the point of homeschooling in the afternoon instead of the morning.

It doesn’t matter a bit what Superstar Homeschool Mom at co-op is doing with her kids. They don’t live in your home. And God didn’t give your kids to her. He gave them to you.

Praying and Seeking Direction

Homeschooling your children is one of the biggest challenges you will probably undertake in your life. It’s a huge deal. So we should definitely be praying and seeking direction from the Holy Spirit as we plan, teach, and disciple our children.

We can scour the internet for information, ask for input in forums, and try to reason it out on our own. But asking the Lord to direct our steps in the midst of it will bring the best results and the most confidence as we move forward.

This post is part of my 5 Days of Saying “No” series.

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100 Reasons To Homeschool Your Gifted Daughter

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View Full Post with Embedded Content100 Reasons To Homeschool Your Gifted Daughter

Have you thought about homeschooling your gifted daughter? Here are 100 reasons I thought of to homeschool your gifted daughter.

1. Time to develop a better one-on-one relationship with your complicated, gifted daughter

2. Girls are often discouraged from displaying their intelligence in school settings

3. Being a second teacher to the other kids in the class isn’t fair to your gifted daughter

4. Asynchronous development means your daughter will often feel out of place in the classroom

5. Developing a personalized curriculum that suits her learning style

6. The opportunity to explore beginning her own business that suits her giftedness

7. Time

8. Skipping a grade in traditional school is often problematic socially

9. Your gifted daughter will learn more about managing her own life by less structured time

10. Giving your gifted daughter options she will never have in a traditional school setting

11. No one will invest in your precocious child’s interpersonal needs the way you will

12. Mean girls

13. Meeting the needs of your gifted daughter may be seen as unfair special privileges by some schools

14. Teachers are stretched too thin to truly meet your gifted daughter’s academic needs

15. Traditional classroom settings are not conducive to gifted girls who love to ask “why” questions all the time

16. The freedom to allow your gifted daughter to indulge in hours and hours of reading what interests her

17. Drill and kill

18. You get the best hours of the day with your gifted daughter instead of scraps leftover from school, transport, and homework

19. You can teach your introverted gifted daughter how to succeed in an extroverted world

20. Teachers will assume your “smart” child will do just fine and doesn’t need any special help

21. Creative play requires lots of time

22. Your emotionally intense gifted daughter can better control her environmental triggers at home

23. Spending time with your gifted daughter is fun

24. The track record of many parents of gifted daughters pulling their children out of school and succeeding with homeschooling

25. Asynchrony and how our gifted daughters are such complex creatures

26. Teachers are stretched too thin to truly meet your gifted daughter’s social needs

27. Learning together over a picnic lunch

28. Because in all likelihood your gifted daughter will love homeschooling

29. Gifted girls like to ask questions and the traditional classroom doesn’t have time for questions

30. Time to learn practical skills at home

31. Extroverted gifted girls can benefit from time to develop their strength

32. Gifted girls spend a lot of downtime in a traditional classroom, waiting for the other students to finish

33. Online classes in topics she finds fascinating that aren’t offered locally

34. No evening homework battles, tears, and lost sleep

35. Your daughter will not be “tracked” away from traditionally male studies, but can study whatever she chooses

36. The lunchroom

37. Less pressure for everything commercial

38. Delaying pressure to be boy crazy

39. You can help your gifted daughter understand and overcome her perfectionism

40. Your gifted daughter’s excitabilities will not cause social issues for her

41. You can be an example of how learning can be exciting

42. Your gifted daughter’s school may “meet her needs” by giving her more busy work rather than challenging work that pushes her to learn in individually appropriate ways

43. Starting learning at the time that works for your family

44. The freedom to make her own clothing choices without peer pressure

45. Imparting your family’s beliefs and values in a natural way throughout the day

46. The school bus

47. The ability to work at a job during the day and earn money

48. At home she has the freedom to be herself and not labeled because she is different

49. Highly sensitive gifted girls are more apt to flourish at home where their sensitive souls can be carefully nurtured

50. Your gifted daughter who is reading by age 3 or 4 will be profoundly bored in kindergarten

51. Excessive standardized testing that doesn’t recognize your gifted daughter’s unique gifts and skills

52. Craft foam, chenille stems and endless crafts all afternoon

53. Gifted girls rarely fit into a one-size-fits-all classroom

54. A twice-exceptional gifted daughter is going to find a traditional classroom very frustrating as it will be too easy and too difficult at the same time

55. You are the best advocate your gifted daughter will ever have because you love her more than anyone else

56. Cliques

57. Your gifted daughter may find a busy traditional classroom setting overwhelming and/or overstimulating

58. Flexible recess times when they are needed, for as long as they are needed

59. Avoiding the pressure toward too early sexualization of girls

60. Rather than spending every waking hour in school and on homework, your daughter can meet her academic requirements and pursue her individual passions

61. Being trapped in a building all day on a rigid schedule isn’t anyone’s idea of fun

62. Your gifted daughter’s value is far more than a test score

63. Gifted daughters can create ways to integrate topics such as Minecraft and history timelines

64. Pull-out options in a traditional school are not going to truly meet a gifted daughter’s academic needs

65. You will empower your gifted daughter to take control of her own learning and education

66. Traditional classrooms are oriented toward the middle of the learning curve and those at the top are generally neglected

67. More time for dress up, stuffed animals, and dolls

68. The power of quiet contemplation

69. Your highly distractible gifted daughter will flounder in a traditional classroom setting

70. At home your daughter doesn’t have to hide that she loves playing Minecraft

71. No pressure to perform in front of others

72. Locker rooms

73. Excessively stressful academic competition that destroys the love of learning

74. Your gifted daughter will hate and resent the meaningless homework she brings home from school

75. Gifted girls face their own mental health risks starting early in life

76. Teaching to the test in the traditional classroom will rarely (if ever) meet the academic needs of a gifted daughter

77. Cafeteria food

78. Some classroom teachers resent the presence of a gifted girl in the classroom as it creates more work and paperwork for them

79. Getting lost in a novel all day

80. You will be able to adjust the curriculum for your 2e daughter with dysgraphia to accommodate her learning difference

81. Favorite toys – all day

82. Traditional classroom teachers have no training in gifted education and do not have time to educate themselves to serve your child

83. Repeating field trips that interest your gifted daughter as often as you would like

84. Gifted daughters can pursue their academic passions when they are ready

85. Traditional education is not set up to promote individual talent

86. The best use of your gifted daughter’s life energy and skills is not to spend literally days worth of school time listening to other children read aloud from watered down and politically correct textbooks

87. No more morning rush to get your gifted daughter to school on time

88. Your introverted gifted daughter will get much needed time alone to decompress and think her own thoughts

89. Minecraft marathons

90. Adapting to the unique sleep needs gifted daughters often have

91. Time to explore crafts and hobbies that interest her

92. Being able to spend time with a wide variety of people and ages each day instead of one group of children all the same age

93. Common Core

94. The freedom to be as geeky as she wants without fearing what others will think

95. No gym class embarrassment for your gifted daughter who is not athletically inclined at all

96. No worries about sick days

97. Spontaneous trips out for ice cream sundaes

98. Because other gifted daughters love it and share their enthusiasm for it with others

99. Because you can

100. Because you want to

101. Because you know in your heart of hearts it is the best thing for your gifted daughter

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Dealing With Perfectionism In Our Children

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View Full Post with Embedded ContentDealing With Perfectionism In Our Children

Perfectionism can be a significant struggle in the lives of many children and adults. I consider myself a recovering perfectionist because I’m aware of my propensity to go in that direction and so I make sure I keep it in check. I’ve come a long way from where I was in the past although I suspect most people never completely change in this area. Because I was such a perfectionist as a child and young adult, the topic of perfectionism is one that I’m personally acquainted with – both the good and the bad.

Perfectionism In Kids

I’ve read quite a bit about perfectionism over the years in an attempt to deal with my own. I’m currently reading Letting Go of Perfect: Overcoming Perfectionism in Kids which I received as a review copy from Prufrock Press. Like the introvert book I mentioned a few days ago, this is the first time I’ve tackled a book on the topic of perfectionism from the perspective of a parent reading to help her child.

While I really liked Quiet Kids: Help Your Introverted Child Succeed in an Extroverted World and found it helpful, I’m a bit ambivalent about Letting Go of Perfect: Overcoming Perfectionism in Kids even though there are some very good aspects to it which I’ll explain below. The first couple of chapters are rather dry with numerous studies cited. For someone looking for lots of documentation, this would be a helpful book. I found the writing style breaks up the flow and made the chapters less readable and enjoyable. I also think they should have hired a better illustrator. The illustrations take away from the content. For such a serious book, the illustrations are very juvenile.

Types of Perfectionists

On the plus side, the books does a good job of laying out seven common myths about perfectionists. The authors then describe the six different kinds of perfectionists with numerous examples. (Many people are not aware that there are different kinds of perfectionists and might even be surprised to discover someone they know is a perfectionist because it manifests itself in different ways.) The book finishes up with healthy versus unhealthy perfectionism, classroom strategies, and general strategies for parents.

Sarah Blakely and Embracing Failure

In our own experience with perfectionism so far as parents, the number one point we have made over and over again to Caroline is that failure is expected and a normal part of life. We’ve told her that if all three of us aren’t failing on a regular basis, then we’re missing out on opportunities to learn and grow.

I love the story of Sarah Blakely (founder of Spanx) whose parents asked her and her brother on a near daily basis what they had failed at. Failure was expected because it meant they were trying new things. For Sarah, failure wasn’t something to fear but embrace.

I think the willingness to embrace failure can go a long way in helping many perfectionists begin to deal with their perfectionism. If I have one regret from growing up, it is the fact that I wish I had failed earlier and more often so that I would have learned to overcome better in those situations. Hopefully I can encourage my child to embrace failure more readily and avoid at least some of the traps of unhealthy perfectionism.

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Quotes For Perfectionists and Procrastinators

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View Full Post with Embedded ContentQuotes For Perfectionists and Procrastinators

I am a perfectionist, mostly recovered, but still one. The biggest reason I know I’m still a perfectionist? I’m also a procrastinator.  Perfectionists are notorious procrastinators.

I have two favorite quotes related to this. Thanks to Tammy I will be adding a third.

The first is simply the well-known saying promoted by Elisabeth Elliot: Do the next thing.

I’ve said this so many times to myself when I feel tired, overwhelmed, or paralyzed by indecision. I’ve learned that just doing the next thing generally gets me “unstuck” and moving again.

The second favorite is this: Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task.

How often do I spend more energy dreading something or avoiding something than the energy it would take just to get it done?

And Tammy posted this gem recently which I will definitely have to add to my quote collection:

No unwelcome tasks become any the less unwelcome by putting them off till tomorrow. It is only when they are behind us and done, that we begin to find that there is a sweetness to be tasted afterwards, and that the remembrance of unwelcome duties unhesitatingly done is welcome and pleasant. Accomplished, they are full of blessing, and there is a smile on their faces as they leave us. Undone, they stand threatening and disturbing our tranquility, and hindering our communion with God. If there be lying before you any bit of work from which you shrink, go straight up to it, and do it at once. The only way to get rid of it is to do it.
–Alexander MacLaren (1826-1910) Scottish Preacher

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Choosing To Formula Feed

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View Full Post with Embedded ContentChoosing To Formula Feed

Several weeks ago when I had one of my doctor’s appointments to check the status of my gestational diabetes (GD), the OB was very pleased with most of my numbers. He tweaked my insulin doses a bit and encouraged me to keep working at it because I was doing really, really well “99% of the time.” I think he thought he was challenging me to shoot for the 100%. Ha! If he thought he was throwing out a challenge that I would be eager to rise to, it was completely missed. In fact, it impacted me just the opposite way. My thought was – “Wow! I’m doing great 99% of the time. That gives me a little more leeway than I thought I had.” If he had said I was doing well 95% of the time, I would have even been happy with that.

This is quite a change for someone who is a recovering Type A, First Born Perfectionist. I graduated with a 4.0 in high school and, believe me, it was not based on natural brilliance. While I have been blessed with natural intelligence, my GPA was primarily the result of compulsive work and drivenness. Thankfully, I am no longer that person. And while I still believe in the beauty of excellence, I (try to) no longer worship at the altar of perfectionism.

I think some of this change came with age and experience. I think some came from reaping the rewards of drivenness and perfectionism and finding they weren’t quite as satisfying as I thought they should be considering the price they entailed. And some of it is just the grace of God who saved me from myself.

I’m glad that this part of me has changed, especially as I anticipate becoming a mother in a few weeks. I’m glad I’ve learned that everything doesn’t have to be perfect and, in fact, I will never ever achieve perfection as a parent. Some days I won’t even achieve excellence and will have to be satisfied with very good or – gasp! – good enough. And I’ve learned to live peacefully with good enough.

I have not been a driven pregnant woman. I have tried to do well, but I have not been compulsive about following every piece of advice that is given out to achieve the perfect pregnancy. I still drink caffeine daily (although I have cut back quite a bit), I eat albacore tuna, I’ve forgotten to take my vitamins many times, I haven’t done Kegel exercises 100 times a day, I’ve eaten fast food more times than I will admit, and I’ve actually trusted my OB when he told me I would need a c-section from the very beginning of the pregnancy. So this has set me up well for not being a driven new mom. And that has made it (somewhat) easier to make the decision to…

…formula feed from the beginning.

I really appreciated the women who left comments when I asked about formula feeding last week. I mean it. I know this is a very controversial issue and I appreciate the women who left comments regarding their experiences, especially those who have blogs and might not have ever admitted this before to the blog world. I’ve been working through this issue since I found out I was pregnant and I’ve gone back and forth on it numerous times. However, I think always in the back of my mind was the conviction that I really did not want to breastfeed no matter how much I tried to talk myself into it.

So at the risk of becoming the posterchild of the blogging world for all that is selfish in motherhood because I’m not going to breastfeed, I’m going to write why I made the decision of choosing to formula feed. All of the other ladies who left comments did and I would like to show them the same courtesy.

Reasons For Choosing To Formula Feed

First of all, I’m not making this decision out of ignorance. I know some people will think I haven’t read all the information out there that breast milk is so far superior, yada yada yada. Yes, I’ve read it all. Many times. I’m not even going to try to refute the idea that “breast is best”. Yes, God created a wonderful thing in breast milk and it is a truly amazing part of His creation.

But one of the things I’ve learned over the past several years is that most issues that are supposedly black and white are not that black and white. Yes, if I were to make my decision based solely on which is superior, I would have to choose breast milk. For the past eight months or so, that is what I kept coming back to. I felt like I would be the world’s worst mother EVER to deny my child that.

But every time David and I talked about the whole feeding issue, there were other important issues that came up as well. Relationship issues, home life issues, health issues, etc. As so many of the women said in their comments, sometimes other issues come into play and they deserve to be considered and acknowledged as well.

Voices Of Wisdom And Experience

One of the biggest issues was well-articulated in a comment I found on a forum. I think what this person wrote sums up in many ways what I feel is really important:

I watched many of my friends struggle with the same BF issues you’re describing. They were exhausted and felt ill and were really at their wits’ end, and then felt terribly guilty for “giving up” on breastfeeding. The first weeks (sometimes months) of their babies’ lives were consumed with the moms’ breastfeeding agony–pain and guilt and fatigue. Breastfeeding became the most important issue in their lives, at the expense of actually living. Since I am only planning to have this one baby, I decided to formula feed from the beginning. I didn’t want to spend one moment of this brief, magical newborn/infant phase miserable or resentful toward my baby, or too exhausted to enjoy her. A few of my friends breastfed with no trouble and loved it, but I didn’t think I’d be one of those. I haven’t regretted my decision at all. You have to do what you’re comfortable with, but don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about whatever you choose. I think a famous French pediatrician said something like, “A bottle offered with love is far superior to a breast offered with resentment.” Formula is nutrition for your baby. Your baby needs nutrition, love, and warmth. If you provide those things, however they come about, you are being the best mom a baby could want. Good luck!

I had been thinking a lot about this comment when the next day I found Kether had left this comment on my blog, which I saw as a confirmation of the final decision that had formed in my heart and mind:

I haven’t read the above comments, but I hope they were kind. I formula fed my precious boy from when he was born. He simply didn’t take to nursing, and I hated trying and it was causing such turmoil in me that I quit and chose formula. I took a lot of flack from the breast is best folks, but ultimately it made my motherhood more joyful. Trying to breastfeed was torment because my son hated it and I didn’t get to fully enjoy being a mother until I left that behind. It was my saving grace. Everyone was worrying about his brain, but formula is very good these days. He’s 19 months old now and knows every letter of the alphabet and counts to 9, so I’m pretty sure his brain is fine. Besides, when I found out that my mother-in-law formula fed my brilliant husband with the Physics degrees, I knew my son’s brain would be just fine. I think it was a great decision for us. It allowed my husband to feed the baby and establish a bond just as strong as I had with him. It was portable, convenient, and I was able to monitor exactly what he was taking in, which really helped me in those early days when I was so nervous. Whatever you decide I wish you all the best. May God bless you and your family.

Enjoying My Baby

The bottom line is that I want to enjoy my baby. I’ve made it my goal from the beginning of the pregnancy to try to savor and enjoy every day of it. I’ve waited a long time for this part of my life. I think overall I have truly enjoyed my pregnancy experience. Yes, some of it was yuck – like the first fifteen weeks with almost constant morning sickness. But every chance I have had I have focused on slowing down, pondering and enjoying this experience. I know that this may be my only time to do this and I want to enjoy it. I am satisfied that I have met that desire and will be able to look back on this pregnancy with joy and satisfaction.

I feel the same way about Peanut’s early weeks and months. I simply do not want to spend it agonizing over breastfeeding. I know that I am writing off breastfeeding without even trying it and some people will think that is unwise. But I have decided that it really is best for me, my husband, and my baby if we just move on to the enjoying being a family as soon as she arrives. I will have enough to do in recovering from the c-section. I do not want to spend those first precious six weeks trying to maintain my stamina and sanity because I am trying to recover physically myself from surgery while trying to do something else physically draining (breastfeeding).

Maybe part of it is that I’ve just accepted my physical limitations and know that I’m not 25 (or even 35!) anymore. I accept my physical limitations and know that I will be a better mom and wife if I am not completely taxed physically and emotionally for weeks on end when Peanut arrives. I will gratefully accept the help of my husband and mom during those early days which will allow me to heal more quickly and enjoy my long-awaited baby from the very beginning.

I suppose some people will see this as an incredibly selfish reason for making this choice and say that I am unwilling to sacrifice for my child. I know I probably can’t convince them otherwise. I just know that a happy baby will be a result of a happy mommy and a happy daddy and I don’t see happiness coming from struggling through the whole breastfeeding thing. So that is our decision. Today we met with the pediatrician we have decided to choose and he asked us about feeding. I told him that we were planning on formula feeding from the beginning. He didn’t even bat an eyelash which was tremendously important to me. He accepted our decision and gave us suggestions for which formulas to try first and which kinds of bottles to use. I was so thankful that he was willing to accept our choice and not try to pressure us into another choice. We also asked if he had any advice for us and one of the things he brought up was related to sleeping. What he said fit exactly with the conclusions David and I have come to and so I saw that as another confirmation that this was the doctor for us. We were thankful to find someone that we can be comfortable with on these important and potentially controversial topics.

So, many thanks again to the ladies who shared their experiences and words of encouragement. Perhaps like Lindsey said in her comment, I was looking for “permission” to make the choice I knew I wanted to make all along. I just know that while David and I fully expect that we will take some flack in the weeks and months ahead from well-meaning people, we are confident that we are making the choice that is best for our little family-to-be. And for that I am profoundly grateful.

Postscript: It was a blessing I made this decision ahead of time. It made the aftermath of my c-section much easier to deal with.

Choosing to Formula Feed

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