The past five months or so have been one of the most intense periods I’ve been through in a long time. Intense in different ways than other times I’ve experienced in my life and so they have also been draining in different ways.
Here’s a fact that will give you a glimpse of what life has been like. Last week we finally celebrated Christmas with David’s parents. Yes, in the middle of March. We only live about 45 minutes away from each other.
I am craving normality, whatever that is. I am craving a rhythm that I seem unable to establish right now for many reasons beyond my control. Most of the things impacting my life involve a variety of other people and these are not my stories to tell. I can only keep walking forward as I try to adjust to the various things going on around me.
In the midst of it, I’ve lost most of my ability to care about the needs of others beyond my own home. There’s just not much left to give. I try to do my best to care for my husband and daughter. After that? There’s not much there. It’s like there is a wall around my heart with a sign that says, “I’ve got nothing left to give.”
I have long made it a policy to not blog while angry or feeling down because I know from previous experience that I usually regret it. Every day I think of many things I could write or say here, but I’m usually too mentally tired to put forth the effort it takes to write something that seems worthwhile. And to be really honest, a lot of the time it feels like if I write it either really won’t matter or I’ll simply lose more readers because people are so maxed out that they have almost no tolerance for anything that is uncomfortable in any way.
And the irony is not lost on me that right around the time I switched my website tagline to being a happy warrior for Christ I have felt like anything but that. Among all the other things that have been going on, our family has been under sustained spiritual attack for many months. It’s exhausting and we really don’t have anyone in real life to share the burden with which makes it even more difficult. I told a friend I was chatting with online last week that I just wanted to walk away from everything and be done. She said she had just had a similar conversation with someone else only an hour before. I think there is a lot of that going around.
So that’s life for me right now. I almost feel badly posting this because it feels so heavy. Maybe it is yet another post that really won’t matter. I don’t know. I simply felt finally like saying something tonight. Maybe someone else will read this someday and feel less alone.
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Well, you aren’t alone. I’m so thankful you did post it. Your authenticity and boldness are such great qualities and such a good example to us all who read your posts. They do matter and YOU matter. Thank you for hanging in there. I write this from a hospital bed while I look out at the falling snow in Michigan. Your husband and daughter are blessed to have you in their lives. If that’s where you are giving right now, that’s okay. That’s what God has called you to first. Blessings and favor to you. In His precious name. Wendy
Hi Wendy,
I’m so sorry to hear you are in the hospital. I hope it is nothing too serious and you will be able to go home soon.
Yes, we have snow falling here as well. I feel badly for the fruit growers. After the ridiculously warm weather we had in late February and early March, I imagine this is going to destroy so many crops that started too early.
Thank you for your kind words. I truly appreciate them. Please drop a comment again and let us know when you are out of the hospital so we know you are okay.
Sallie
In hospital for infection in right ankle after hardware removal all the way back in January. It just showed up last weekend. Had surgery Wednesday to go in and remove infected tissue etc … now today going back in to hopefully clean it out and close it up. God has me humbled and also broken. I’m hanging in there. Thank you. Surgery prayers welcome. Bless you, Sallie.
Wendy,
How are you doing?
Sallie
Thank you for writing, what a nice surprise. I’m getting better ankle wise but my skin is still battling eczema. Now that I’m not able to take Rinvoq or prednisone, its really flaring. Im broken and dependent. Hard for me …
Bless you Sallie, Wendy
Hi Wendy,
Feeling broken and dependent is a very difficult place to be. I hope you are continuing to heal and can see God’s blessings even in the midst of the pain and difficulties. ♥
Sallie
You are not alone! I feel a bit the same – I just don’t have much energy left after caring for those in my household whom God has given to be under my care. Keep being a happy warrior; sometimes it will be more happy and other times more war. 💙
“sometimes it will be more happy and other times more war”
Thank you for saying that, Amanda. That really resonated with me and made me feel a bit freer. Thank you.
Sallie
Your feelings are understandable. There are times when everything seems over whelming and you just want to throw your hands up. Hope things get better for you and yours.
Joan,Marion and Marilyn
Thank you for the encouraging words, Marilyn. I appreciate it.
Sallie
I believe many of us are experiencing similar things. Thank you for writing this! God bless you and give you joy and peace through it all!
I know you are going through your own trials as well, Mrs. White. I hope you have joy and peace in the midst of yours as well.
Sallie