Several weeks ago when I had one of my doctor’s appointments to check the status of my gestational diabetes (GD), the OB was very pleased with most of my numbers. He tweaked my insulin doses a bit and encouraged me to keep working at it because I was doing really, really well “99% of the time.” I think he thought he was challenging me to shoot for the 100%. Ha! If he thought he was throwing out a challenge that I would be eager to rise to, it was completely missed. In fact, it impacted me just the opposite way. My thought was – “Wow! I’m doing great 99% of the time. That gives me a little more leeway than I thought I had.” If he had said I was doing well 95% of the time, I would have even been happy with that.
This is quite a change for someone who is a recovering Type A, First Born Perfectionist. I graduated with a 4.0 in high school and, believe me, it was not based on natural brilliance. While I have been blessed with natural intelligence, my GPA was primarily the result of compulsive work and drivenness. Thankfully, I am no longer that person. And while I still believe in the beauty of excellence, I (try to) no longer worship at the altar of perfectionism.
I think some of this change came with age and experience. I think some came from reaping the rewards of drivenness and perfectionism and finding they weren’t quite as satisfying as I thought they should be considering the price they entailed. And some of it is just the grace of God who saved me from myself.
I’m glad that this part of me has changed, especially as I anticipate becoming a mother in a few weeks. I’m glad I’ve learned that everything doesn’t have to be perfect and, in fact, I will never ever achieve perfection as a parent. Some days I won’t even achieve excellence and will have to be satisfied with very good or – gasp! – good enough. And I’ve learned to live peacefully with good enough.
I have not been a driven pregnant woman. I have tried to do well, but I have not been compulsive about following every piece of advice that is given out to achieve the perfect pregnancy. I still drink caffeine daily (although I have cut back quite a bit), I eat albacore tuna, I’ve forgotten to take my vitamins many times, I haven’t done Kegel exercises 100 times a day, I’ve eaten fast food more times than I will admit, and I’ve actually trusted my OB when he told me I would need a c-section from the very beginning of the pregnancy. So this has set me up well for not being a driven new mom. And that has made it (somewhat) easier to make the decision to…
…formula feed from the beginning.
I really appreciated the women who left comments when I asked about formula feeding last week. I mean it. I know this is a very controversial issue and I appreciate the women who left comments regarding their experiences, especially those who have blogs and might not have ever admitted this before to the blog world. I’ve been working through this issue since I found out I was pregnant and I’ve gone back and forth on it numerous times. However, I think always in the back of my mind was the conviction that I really did not want to breastfeed no matter how much I tried to talk myself into it.
So at the risk of becoming the posterchild of the blogging world for all that is selfish in motherhood because I’m not going to breastfeed, I’m going to write why I made the decision of choosing to formula feed. All of the other ladies who left comments did and I would like to show them the same courtesy.
Reasons For Choosing To Formula Feed
First of all, I’m not making this decision out of ignorance. I know some people will think I haven’t read all the information out there that breast milk is so far superior, yada yada yada. Yes, I’ve read it all. Many times. I’m not even going to try to refute the idea that “breast is best”. Yes, God created a wonderful thing in breast milk and it is a truly amazing part of His creation.
But one of the things I’ve learned over the past several years is that most issues that are supposedly black and white are not that black and white. Yes, if I were to make my decision based solely on which is superior, I would have to choose breast milk. For the past eight months or so, that is what I kept coming back to. I felt like I would be the world’s worst mother EVER to deny my child that.
But every time David and I talked about the whole feeding issue, there were other important issues that came up as well. Relationship issues, home life issues, health issues, etc. As so many of the women said in their comments, sometimes other issues come into play and they deserve to be considered and acknowledged as well.
Voices Of Wisdom And Experience
One of the biggest issues was well-articulated in a comment I found on a forum. I think what this person wrote sums up in many ways what I feel is really important:
I watched many of my friends struggle with the same BF issues you’re describing. They were exhausted and felt ill and were really at their wits’ end, and then felt terribly guilty for “giving up” on breastfeeding. The first weeks (sometimes months) of their babies’ lives were consumed with the moms’ breastfeeding agony–pain and guilt and fatigue. Breastfeeding became the most important issue in their lives, at the expense of actually living. Since I am only planning to have this one baby, I decided to formula feed from the beginning. I didn’t want to spend one moment of this brief, magical newborn/infant phase miserable or resentful toward my baby, or too exhausted to enjoy her. A few of my friends breastfed with no trouble and loved it, but I didn’t think I’d be one of those. I haven’t regretted my decision at all. You have to do what you’re comfortable with, but don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about whatever you choose. I think a famous French pediatrician said something like, “A bottle offered with love is far superior to a breast offered with resentment.” Formula is nutrition for your baby. Your baby needs nutrition, love, and warmth. If you provide those things, however they come about, you are being the best mom a baby could want. Good luck!
I had been thinking a lot about this comment when the next day I found Kether had left this comment on my blog, which I saw as a confirmation of the final decision that had formed in my heart and mind:
I haven’t read the above comments, but I hope they were kind. I formula fed my precious boy from when he was born. He simply didn’t take to nursing, and I hated trying and it was causing such turmoil in me that I quit and chose formula. I took a lot of flack from the breast is best folks, but ultimately it made my motherhood more joyful. Trying to breastfeed was torment because my son hated it and I didn’t get to fully enjoy being a mother until I left that behind. It was my saving grace. Everyone was worrying about his brain, but formula is very good these days. He’s 19 months old now and knows every letter of the alphabet and counts to 9, so I’m pretty sure his brain is fine. Besides, when I found out that my mother-in-law formula fed my brilliant husband with the Physics degrees, I knew my son’s brain would be just fine. I think it was a great decision for us. It allowed my husband to feed the baby and establish a bond just as strong as I had with him. It was portable, convenient, and I was able to monitor exactly what he was taking in, which really helped me in those early days when I was so nervous. Whatever you decide I wish you all the best. May God bless you and your family.
Enjoying My Baby
The bottom line is that I want to enjoy my baby. I’ve made it my goal from the beginning of the pregnancy to try to savor and enjoy every day of it. I’ve waited a long time for this part of my life. I think overall I have truly enjoyed my pregnancy experience. Yes, some of it was yuck – like the first fifteen weeks with almost constant morning sickness. But every chance I have had I have focused on slowing down, pondering and enjoying this experience. I know that this may be my only time to do this and I want to enjoy it. I am satisfied that I have met that desire and will be able to look back on this pregnancy with joy and satisfaction.
I feel the same way about Peanut’s early weeks and months. I simply do not want to spend it agonizing over breastfeeding. I know that I am writing off breastfeeding without even trying it and some people will think that is unwise. But I have decided that it really is best for me, my husband, and my baby if we just move on to the enjoying being a family as soon as she arrives. I will have enough to do in recovering from the c-section. I do not want to spend those first precious six weeks trying to maintain my stamina and sanity because I am trying to recover physically myself from surgery while trying to do something else physically draining (breastfeeding).
Maybe part of it is that I’ve just accepted my physical limitations and know that I’m not 25 (or even 35!) anymore. I accept my physical limitations and know that I will be a better mom and wife if I am not completely taxed physically and emotionally for weeks on end when Peanut arrives. I will gratefully accept the help of my husband and mom during those early days which will allow me to heal more quickly and enjoy my long-awaited baby from the very beginning.
I suppose some people will see this as an incredibly selfish reason for making this choice and say that I am unwilling to sacrifice for my child. I know I probably can’t convince them otherwise. I just know that a happy baby will be a result of a happy mommy and a happy daddy and I don’t see happiness coming from struggling through the whole breastfeeding thing. So that is our decision. Today we met with the pediatrician we have decided to choose and he asked us about feeding. I told him that we were planning on formula feeding from the beginning. He didn’t even bat an eyelash which was tremendously important to me. He accepted our decision and gave us suggestions for which formulas to try first and which kinds of bottles to use. I was so thankful that he was willing to accept our choice and not try to pressure us into another choice. We also asked if he had any advice for us and one of the things he brought up was related to sleeping. What he said fit exactly with the conclusions David and I have come to and so I saw that as another confirmation that this was the doctor for us. We were thankful to find someone that we can be comfortable with on these important and potentially controversial topics.
So, many thanks again to the ladies who shared their experiences and words of encouragement. Perhaps like Lindsey said in her comment, I was looking for “permission” to make the choice I knew I wanted to make all along. I just know that while David and I fully expect that we will take some flack in the weeks and months ahead from well-meaning people, we are confident that we are making the choice that is best for our little family-to-be. And for that I am profoundly grateful.
Postscript: It was a blessing I made this decision ahead of time. It made the aftermath of my c-section much easier to deal with.
Susanna
…getting a bottle warm inthe middle of the night (can’t use a microwave because the uneven heating might burn the baby.) …..
Ok, another bad mother moment. I used the microwave and never burned the baby (although at first I did just heat with hot water). All through that post I was thinking about your back and remembering the aches I went through feeding my baby because I could not afford a super dooper support chair.
I started with breast and did ok, but the baby was just too hungry and I was too tired so I began to supplement. You know what? It was great! We so easily forget that just because we may have a good experience not everyone will.
You will be tired and sore and overwhelmed and yet need to enjoy the early days of motherhood so anything that is good for your baby that makes it easier for you is ok! Your baby knows if you are stressed and acts accordingly.
Keep holding on to your convictions, enjoy these last days, and know that you and David will provide far more love, encouragement and spiritual guidance to peanut than many a ‘breast fed, organically fed, cloth diapered (I could go on for ages but you get the point) child gets in this day and age.:)
Megan
Sallie,
I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now, and I love it! I’m especially addicted because I’m 32 weeks pregnant so just a few weeks behind you. I read other blogs by Christian women, and it’s so refreshing to read one where everything is not thought of as black and white. Of course, there are black and white issues in Christianity, but breastfeeding vs. formula and schooling and parenting styles do not fall under that category. I feel like you truly embody the idea of gracious. Instead of mindlessly going with the Christian party line, you prayerfully think things through and then come to a decision for you and your family, without passing judgment on anyone for choosing differently. Thank you for being a great example to me, and challenging me to be more open-minded.
Lindsey
Sallie,
You are going to be a wonderful mom. Trust me, my bottlefed babies, now turned toddlers & preschoolers are doing GREAT and are very healthy and smart.
I just learned the hard way I was a happier mom with a bottle than a frustrated mom with nursing. When I read this quote in your post:
“A bottle offered with love is far superior to a breast offered with resentment.â€
I was clapping and saying AMEN!!! 🙂 Because I have so been-there-done-that. I was so pushed to do everything right with my first, that I offered the breast with pure resentment and frustration every time. It made for an unhappy mom, baby and whole family, really. I felt judged and misunderstood by those folks who thought I was selfish.
And, in a few of the comments above where folks have said they are “hurt” because you won’t even try…my goodness, they are hurt?
You’ve made your choice and you will all be just fine. Can’t wait to hear about Peanuts birth!
Oh and by the way, don’t let the standing over the stove making bottles and formula maybe not working the first time scare tactics get you either.
ladysown
Hi. I don’t come here too often and really only discovered you oh…maybe three weeks ago, I’m glad that you made a well-thought out decision.
As a person who mixed EVERYTHING she did I got flak from all sides. Flak for when I didn’t breastfeed, flak for when I did! Flak for NOT ONLY using cloth diapers, Flak for how could I even consider cloth diapers. It shocked me how much flak people could administer to one 40 year old first time mom! Made me want to say…ENOUGH ALREADY! 🙂 But I did learn to smile and be polite and only occasionally to be slightly sarcastic in my responses. 🙂
You know what? Kids survive. Whatever you do, just do it. Don’t regret decisions.
Oh..and here’s another decision you’ll need to make…will you heat the formula or just serve room temp? Expect flak regardless of what you do. 🙂
Hey…it’s been fourteen months of first time mom new-born flak! So I now can say Cheers! Wish you all the best.
ladysown
oh…i was going to add…has your doctor given you advice on dealing with having a c-section? When I had mine I was shocked to get no advice at all! And even more shocked to discover that most women who get a c-section are only told… don’t lift any thing heavier than your baby.
They don’t tell you…be careful on stairs. They don’t tell you.. hold your tummy with a pillow when you sit up (makes it SOOOO much easier). They don’t tell you ….. not stand for too long a period.
Oh…just as a by the by…as one reader said…if you want to give breastfeeding a try just because it helps to keep the potential engorgement down and it’s easy to show down your milk production….it’s really easy when you have a c-section. Just keep the baby in bed with you. When hungry roll over! Feed baby. Baby sleeps alot, will sleep great right beside you.. NO YOU WON’T ROLL OVER ON HER! You’ll get the healing rest you need and things get better quicker! No getting up with sore belly and so forth.
BUT… your decision is happily made… enjoy your bunchkin regardless. 🙂
Cheers!
Sara
I breastfed AND supplemented with formula right from the start with both my kids. I enjoyed breastfeeding but I knew I wouldn’t if I had to be on call all the time. This worked well for us. Others could help me during the day, and at night I had them next to me (which is another of those issues that come up!) and I just rolled over and fed them. I stopped breastfeeding before they slept through the night. But we had powdered formula already measured out in containers, and I never gave my kids warm formula but stuck with room temperature. So it wasn’t too hard to mix the bottle. Here in the Philippines, only powdered formula is available, I don’t know if it’s inferior to other kinds. But it might be worth looking into for the convenience of preparing it, and transporting it.
Chris
Truthfully, I am HUGE beastfeeding advocate. I nursed each of my 5 babies and found it to be one of the most intimate and rewarding parts of parenting yet. What an absolute privelage it has been to experience! I’ve loved it!
Having said that……when a new young mom asks me my advice on the whole breast/bottle issue, I tell them above, but I also tell them that along with the beauty of nursing, there can be stress. I struggled through times of not enough milk, too much milk and leaky milk. And I suffered through painful mastitus and engorgment. Breasfeeding is, for most women and most babies, a learned skill that takes time and practice to master.
Sallie, I’ve greatly admired the thought, discussion and most importantly prayer that you have put into this decision. How generous of you to invite us to join you along the way!
Rich blessings on you and your family!
Chris
Julie
I am happy for you to have come to a peaceful agreement about your Peanut’s feeding. You will all do fine with it I am just sure. I was just thinking about what worked for me while bottle feeding and it was these two things: We made up some bottles in the morning to last through the day. We then would microwave some H2O in a cup and warm up the bottle for a few minutes. We also would use our electric tea kettle to heat up water and that would work too. We used Dr. Brown’s bottles and they helped the baby keep air bubbles out of her stomach. They have more parts to wash, but I think it was worth it. Just take off the bottle cap and nipple when you heat it up or the milk will come up the center tube and the pressure will cause it to spill out. We also fed our baby sitting up so she could pull her mouth away when she got too much milk. That way she could have some control over her feeding and she didn’t choke or get too much milk with a feeding. That served us very well.
Ashley
Sallie, I know it was probably hard for you to post something that you knew would get so much flak. I admire that you did so anyways! I think Susanna hit it on the head when she said, “We so easily forget that just because we may have a good experience not everyone will.” I know Peanut is lucky to have two parents who care for her so much that they spend a lot of time researching and thinking about the best way to care for her! And I hope in the future you will be able to provide encouragement to other moms who are not able to nurse.
Leanne
I just wanted to offer a note of reassurance…I am presently feeding formula to my second newborn ADOPTED infant. My first little boy did wonderfully on formula and my second little boy is headed in that direction. I obviously did not have much of a choice…which made me realize that God is ultimately the provider of the nutrition they need and how they get it! I agree with one of the other comments…the love you give your baby is much more important than how you feed her! Congratulations! Be sure you register with your formula company for coupons…they help a lot!
Lindsey
I love reading your blog but decided not to comment last time on the feeding issue even though you asked for our thoughts. I didn’t think it would make a difference if you knew how I had fed my boys etc – I just prayed that God would confirm to you what would be the best way of feeding for you and peanut
So I will continue to pray for you that as this month passes and the c-section comes and goes that all will be well in the gracious home.
You are peanut’s mum and peanut is yours. You will experience many days of joy and many days of tears. Along the way you will make sacrifices for your child so don’t think of yourself selfish in anyway.
Blessings to you and David!
Carl B
Sallie,
I’m happy to read the comments on the blog and to know you’re doing well, although tired.
One comment I wanted to add I learned through the Kiwanis’ Young Children Priority One program, that reading to young children is very important and the entire third trimester is a good time for parents to begin reading to the unborn child, even the father. It allows the baby to meet the Dad through his voice and, after birth, David’s voice will be a familiar reassurance to your peanut that all is well.
Nicky
Thank you, thank you for writing this! I’ve been truly going through a lot of the same feelings about breastfeeding and having a lot of feelings (both for and against) about not even wanting to try. And reading that other people are going through the same thing as i am does help me to feel more secure in my choice.
Sallie
Hi Nicky,
You are very welcome. I love it when people find posts years later and they are helpful. I wrote this post eleven and a half years ago and I would still make the same decision. I don’t know if you read any of my other pregnancy and baby posts, but I had a planned c-section that went bad, developed complications, etc. I was SO THANKFUL I had made the decision to bottle feed before I had Caroline. If I had been committed to breastfeeding no matter what, it would have made those first few weeks so much more difficult and the first week was really challenging as it was.
Will I always wonder what it might have been like? Sure. But no doubts I made the right choice for our family.
Please let me know when you have your baby and how you are doing! When are you due? Do you know what you are having?
Sallie