It only took me 364 days and 13 hours, but I finally figured out what the hardest part of the first year of parenting was for me.
It wasn’t the sleep deprivation.
It wasn’t the loss of freedom.
It wasn’t the disruption it has been to our marriage.
It wasn’t the financial expense.
It was the lack of verbal encouragement and support.
Reflects On The First Year Of Parenting
I’ve been thinking for a number of months about the posts I would write as I reflect on the first year of being a parent. I’ve thought about all kinds of things I could write. I could write a post on each of the “It wasn’t” statements above. And I may write about them at some point.
But it wasn’t until the evening before Caroline’s first birthday that I had my epiphany. It was like the proverbial light went on. It had to be the Holy Spirit because I don’t know how else to describe it.
My parents were here, helping us get ready for the birthday open house. I was feeling inadequate in terms of not being able to do everything in my life perfectly with excellence very well well enough. My mom said to me, “You’re doing fine.”
Now, I’m sure my parents have said things to us like this before in the previous 364 days. But as I was thinking about that comment from my mom, I realized that this is why the first year has been hard.
It is because we have received almost no positive verbal affirmation from any other sources.
Yes, we get lots of comments about how cute Caroline is and such. And we have gotten the very occasional comment about the fact that she seems like such a happy and contented baby. So it isn’t like we never heard anything positive.
But mostly it seems as though we’ve had a lot of people questioning our parenting decisions and being generally non-supportive of our choices. The two biggest areas have been the church nursery thing when someone said Caroline was our idol and the fact that Caroline is home with us all day.
Others Questioning Our Parenting Decisions
I don’t want to write much about the church nursery situation since this is a public website. But we have received a lot of passive aggressive comments about not putting Caroline in the nursery. We’ve obviously offended some people because we haven’t used the nursery. It has been bad enough that we have dreaded going to church for several months and have started the process of changing churches to a situation where this will not be as much of an issue.
We also get a lot of questions about the fact that Caroline is home with us all day and if she is afraid of other people. It’s like people think she never leaves our home or interacts with anyone else in the world. I suppose it is a lot like the questions homeschoolers get about socialization and whether or not the children will be able to function in the “real world.”
I know that not everyone is going to agree with the choices we make. But I would expect that people would have enough faith in David and me and our relative intelligence and spiritual life to trust us that we are making the best choices we feel we can for our family.
But it hasn’t felt like that a lot of the time.
Honestly, I’ve gotten a lot more support from women on here that I’ve never met and probably will never meet this side of heaven than I have gotten from the people who should have been there for me.
And that has been a bittersweet blessing and also a reminder of how alone we feel in our journey as parents.
A Difficult First Year of Parenting
It has been a hard year for a lot of reasons. And maybe if I had realized this primary reason sooner, we could have made adjustments and salvaged a bit more of the year. Hindsight is often 20-20 and we’ve done the best we could.
But I will say that this experience has opened my eyes to the need to look for ways to encourage other new parents who cross my path in the future. I don’t ever want another woman I know to be approaching her child’s first birthday and realize she’s just gone through one of the toughest years of her life and there was almost no one there cheering her on and pointing out to her all the things she was doing so well.
Crazy Busy or the Quiet of Home?
Continuing…
Peggy (6) – I understand your comment. I had considered doing MOPS and decided against it because I knew I simply would not fit in. I’m too old and live my life too differently. I have often felt that way already. I don’t fit in with other moms in most situations – I’m older, I didn’t breastfeed, I don’t work outside the home, I’m not a soccer mom, etc. However, whenever I see an “older” mom at the store with her baby, I ALWAYS find a way to chat. It is just so encouraging to find another older mom to talk with.
Marianna (7) – Yes, it is hard to believe that people think Caroline will be maladjusted because she is home with her mom and dad during the day. Horrors! Too bad they don’t see what a shameless little flirt she is when we take her out in public. She loves watching people and waving at them. I remember reading somewhere (and I WISH I had saved it) that children who are with their parents a lot tend to be much more comfortable socially because they are very secure in those primary relationships.
Sara (8) – Good thoughts! Yes, and people who think there is one way and only one way to raise a family are people who scare me.
Lisa (9) – Thank you for your kind words. I look forward to checking out your blog! 🙂
Renae (10) – The Mothers and More group sounds like something I might enjoy more. I will have to see if it is a more national thing like MOPS. Thanks for the info. 🙂
Wow. My church could care less if a mom stays home with her baby or works or if they use the nursery or not. They focus on encouragement and support. They aren’t perfect, but if people are focusing on whether or not you use the church nursery or not is crazy!
I do use the nursery, now (though, I was staunchly opposed to it when I had one child). I have two under 3 and another one on the way. When the kids are with me, I don’t hear any of the service. Period. If people are upset with my choice than they need to get a grip.
Really! There are more important things to worry about.
I hope you find a church that worries about REAL problems in the Christian life.
I do agree that people do not encourage moms enough. Being a SAHM can get very discouraging. I think that is why I read blogs.
Ok, I have to go to bed, but I’ll try to continue responding to comments tomorrow. Good night! 🙂
Well, you know, as an educator, I am not supposed to think that there are any dumb questions, but really, asking a parent if a child who is home with them all day is socially well-adjusted IS a dumb question!
I was an only child and the biggest problem I probably encountered was that I was TOO social with others. I mean, I went everywhere with my parents, the only sitter I ever had was my grandma, and I loved adult conversation. (still do)
Since my mom has lived with us and has been part of our homeschooling, she has often commented that I would have loved to have been homeschooled and I would have. There is nothing quite like adult interaction to prepare you for the real world.
Sallie and David, hang in there. The second year will bring its own challenges, but don’t allow other people to rob you of the joy of your own journey! {{{{{{{}}}}}}}
I am here via Amy’s blog. As a mom of six, I have to say I am sorry to read you didn’t feel encouraged more in the first year of Caroline’s life. The first year of a first-child’s life can be lonely, overwhelming, and riddled with second-guessing. I’m glad you are confident that you made the right decisions for your family, however. That is wonderful.
If you had put her in the nursery or “socialized” her more, there would have been criticism from the other side. One thing I have learned in my ten-plus years of motherood is that no matter what you do, someone will be waiting with questions, raised eyebrows, spoken and unspoken criticism. You did nothing wrong.
There is no place, church, or community, this side of heaven where your parenting decisions won’t be questioned. It’s just the way it is, unfortunately. It’s inescapable.
May the second year of parenthood bring more support. It is a challenging time, but one full of wonder. Don’t let others get you down, and don’t worry about what they think!
Everyone is so worried about “me” time. By putting the baby in the nursery, you are gaining much needed “me” time. I have been in churches like that were they just push and push to get your baby into the nursery! It is frustrating. Thank you for your post it was enlightening. I will make it a point, especially with new moms expecting at church, to encourage them along the way.
Sallie,
I can relate… the first year was the hardest year with all my girls. When I had my first daughter, she would cry so much in the church nursery. I was home all the time with her and did not do any mommy playgroups. I couldn’t handle it! Until she was about 7 or so, she was extremely shy, and I had Christian people tell me that I needed to put her in public schools to cure her. It hurt me really badly. It was also a stupid suggestion because I know of people who had went to public schools the entire time that are still scared of their own shadow!
My other two daughters have not been shy one bit, so I know that keeping children home and homeschooling does not contribute to shyness. My oldest is now 15 and has not been shy for years. She is hilarious and quite fun to be around! She sings and acts in church plays. She hasn’t set foot in a public school.:)
Just my story, Sallie.
Love,
Janet
Mothers & More is a national group. I was involved in Kansas City, but haven’t gotten involved here in St. Louis. I guess after my first two kids I began to outgrow the need, although I think my old M&M friends in KC still get together. Like all groups, I’m sure its usefulness depends on the particular people in the group… none of the ones in my KC group were competitive, jealous, comparing, etc… or if they were, they left quickly because they didn’t fit in. It was very refreshing. We all felt comfortable being “real” with each other.
MOPS never did much for me, either. I don’t know why, and it puzzled me, because I wanted to connect with other Christian moms outside of my church. Not to malign, because again it depends on the specific group of people, but I think maybe they all felt they needed to “look good” for each other, and I didn’t sense any *real* connecting. Everyone was always *Fine!* or *Great!* That “real” or “good” Christian moms don’t talk about the hard aspects of mothering.
I am so sorry and rather surprised about the lack of encouragement you received. How frustrating for you!
I would like to speak up in defense of church nurseries. I’ve worked in the baby room at our church on a regular basis for twenty-something years, and it’s really neat to see not only how the babies get loved on, and sang to, but even as the babies grow up into other classes, the nursery workers still remember their names and speak to the child and parents. At age 44, I STILL have ladies in our church who stop me and remind me that they changed my diapers lo those many years ago (and also those of my children)! I really think it can give the growing child a wonderful sense of church “family”. In our church, we have three services, for three different language/cultural groups – English, Hispanic, and Chinese. The church nursery is sometimes the only common meeting point for members of the different groups – and smiling, rocking a baby, and assuring the parents of loving, safe care for an hour is a lovely way to overcome the language barrier.
I am just wondering if church attenders questioning your decision to keep Caroline in the service with you is not out of disagreement or disdain, but more out of curiousity. Maybe those asking the question are really proud of the children’s ministry at your church, and just want her to be a part of it. I know that our church has put a lot of time and effort into the kid’s ministry, and they really encourage parents to utilize it. Our church believes strongly that children are important, and have geared the children’s ministry to reflect that. That doesn’t mean they don’t want the kids in the worship service. In fact, every so often our church as an intergenerational service designed specifically to have families worship together in one big service.
There is a healthy balance for kids being at home and having socialization time outside of the home. Just like parents need breaks from their kids to interact with other adults, kids need breaks from their parents to interact with other children.
And, as a MOPS mom, I have learned that you only get out of a group like that, what you are willing to put into it. In my MOPS group, there is a wide range of mothers who are in their early 20’s, to first time moms in their early and mid-40’s. Though there are varying lifestyles, child rearing tactics, denominational differences, etc., the common theme is that we are all mothers of young children who need to know that we are not alone in this journey called motherhood. If you are in need of regular encouragement, than I highly recommend getting involved in some sort of moms group. Another mother who has been there, or is at the same stage you are, can really help you through the rough patches.
I’m amazed people question you having Caroline — who has just turned 1 — home with you all day. That is…bizarre! I mean, for most of our nation’s history having your infant at home with you was considered teh norm!
I wonder if deep down it is spurred by jealousy or guilt from those who would like to be with their children but can’t/aren’t? Or do people focus more on this because your husband is able to work at home as well, so it seems more unusual to them?
It definitely sounds like some of the comments homeschoolers get. Fortunately homeschooling is becoming “mainstream” enough that the number of questions I get about that has decreased over the years.
We’ve never met, but I know simply from reading your blog that you and David are fine parents. It’s such a cliche, but this is a short time in your lives — my oldest is now a college sophomore and I don’t know how that happened so quickly. Be patient with yourselves, know that you’re doing a wonderful thing investing so much in your child while she’s a child, and also know that life will get easier!
With best wishes,
Laura
Sallie, I’m so sorry. I feel bad in that…I could have encouraged you more here, myself!!!!
You’re a great mom, and I hope in time, months down the road, that you are able to look back and find MUCH to find contentment and satisfaction in as a parent – even if it was a hard time thru this first year.
Sallie,
Thank you for this honest post. I’m not yet a mother, but I have a couple friends who new moms. From all I’ve seen they are doing a wonderful job, but for some reason, I’ve never told them this. I will change this the next time I see them.
God bless.
Just wait until you actually start homeschooling! People were kind about it until we actually started, it is apparently less threatening if it is theoretical.
Interestingly, our military friends are overall more supportive of homeschooling than civilian friends. Maybe it’s because they’ve seen so many different school districts and have to investigate the schools each move and try to find a good school district!
While Christians are more supportive than non-Christians among our civilian friends, certain denominations are more supportive than others, and some demonations that you wouldn’t expect to be hostile to homeschooling are, although they are conservative in other areas.
I can see why homeschoolers sometimes come across as defensive, I didn’t really understand until I moved from theoretical to actual homeschooling.
The homeschooling is going very well, our 2 year old son loves attention and company and would be very sad without his sister. I actually have more time to do things with her home than if I had to send her away to school. And even if I didn’t, it would still be worth it.
Back again and I’ve accepted the fact that I cannot do justice in responding to all these comments. So just a few thoughts and I know you all understand…
I think when you do something outside of the norm (no matter what and where it is), you put yourself in a darned if you do, darned if you don’t type situation. If you are open and vocal about why you are doing what you are doing, people will accuse you of being pushy and thinking you are better than everyone else. If you don’t say anything and just do your own thing, you leave yourself open to people misinterpreting your actions and silence.
And on a funny note… This morning Caroline and I went to Panera to hang out for a bit. She LOVES going out because she loves sitting in those wooden high chairs that pull up to the table. I think she also loves the people watching. Panera was busy and there were people all over around us. There was a young guy sitting behind us working on his computer and apparently Caroline felt that he was not paying enough attention to her even though she was turned around in her chair and looking at him. So she started coughing so he would look up! (That’s her newest attention getter this week.) He did look up and laughed at how she had gotten his attention. Yes, she is so sheltered and unable to cope with real life outside of home. I don’t believe that for a minute. 🙂
Thanks so much for all of the good comments. I’m encouraged to know other moms are going to be encouraged this week by so many of you! 🙂
Being a mom is definately harder than you expect. When my first child was born, the doctor I went to would tell me “You’re doing a great job” everytime I brought my daughter in. His words brought me a lot of reassurance. I definately feel blessed to have had a support system through my church, my MOPS group, and through my family (though they are far away) that have encouraged me along the wa. This post will remind me in the days to come to pass the love and encouragement along to other moms & dads that I come in contact with.
I do very much appreciate this post. I have several friends who are new moms and moms to be. I need to remember how much that encouragement in Christ really means. We go to a Reformed Presbyterian Church in Georgia and I wish you lived closer because most all the families choose to worship together in church without nursery. =) Visitors are always amazed at how well the children do through the service. Granted, there are lots of babies, and there will on occasion be baby/child noises, but there also is a cry room to use in those circumstances. You are ultimately accountable for your choices to raise Caroline in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, not the world. You get to make the choices as to what you feel like is the best way for you to honor the Lord according to Scripture. Others will be blessed by your commitment to Him and your faithful obedience, even if they don’t chose to make all the same choices under the umbrella of Christian liberty. There are a great deal of things that can divide Christians unnecessarily. We must remember to embrace one another in Christ’s love, knowing that as Christians we are one body.
*I do have my blog private, but if you wish to view it, just send an email with your info.
I’m right there with you Sallie, and I think you’ve got it exactly right in #40, you’ll likely continue to experience this in the future if you make other non-mainstream parenting choices. My son is 20 months old and only just now ceasing to nap during church service, so I am reluctantly looking to the nursery for the very first time. We also get lots of flak for our other parenting choices, especially from folks who like to club you over the head with their area of expertise (like our pediatrician and my childless public school teacher aunt). When I finally found other moms making similar decisions (online) I felt validated. I’m not crazy! I’m just not mainstream. And I’m all right with that!
Feel free to ask for support any time you need it, obviously we’ll all come out of the woodworks with it!
What an interesting post! My daughter also just turned one last week!
I’ve also had my fair share of comments and looks from people whose parenting style is different than my own. For example, I breastfeed my daughter, so I would leave my adult Sunday School class, go to the nursery, and feed her. A few others didn’t understand why I didn’t just pump my milk and let the nursery workers give it to her in a bottle. I didn’t feel like I should have to give an explanation. Even if someone else does it another way, that was how I wanted to do it. I was willing to miss a little adult interaction so that I could be the one to feed my daughter.
I’m actually looking forward to having another baby. I think I’ll be much more confident and less sensitive to comments by others.
Keep up the good work! I’m looking forward to becoming a reader of your blog!
Your post was exactly what I needed to read today. I’ve been feeling so alienated lately. Although I’m not a new mommy, we are just beginning homeschooling and we don’t celebrate Halloween. So you can imagine all the comments and odd looks we get on that one. It’s been a long month and it just began! But after reading this I feel uplifted and motivated. Thank you!
Thank you for posting this – it encouraged me! First, because I am a mentor (officially in MOPS, but also I just have alot of friends with young children). Often I think about just saying “you’re doing a great job”, and sometimes I do, but sometimes it feels like such a minor thing. Secondly, because I recently had myself taken off the church nursery schedule. Basically I felt that I needed to be in church far more than those little ones need to be out. Although, in our church, many of the little ones don’t start going to nursery until they are over one.
Let me encourage you about the nursery thing. We have two families in our church who do not put their children in nursery or children’s church because they believe worship is to be a family affair, and to my knowledge, no one has ever given them a hard time about it. So not all churches are difficult about it.
As for Caroline being home with you all day vs. “socialization” (because parents are anti-social?), I have two children who were home with me full-time until they went to preschool at age 3. One is rather shy, and the other is the most outgoing kid I’ve ever seen. It’s just their temperament. And just like seeds need rain before they need sunshine, children need nurturing at home before they are ready for large doses of the outside world.
One more thought that my pastor gave me: God chose you as the mother for your child. You, and no one else. Do you think He knows what He’s doing? Answer only to Him.
Sallie,
Ugh, I’ve run into the competitive “we’re doing it right… why aren’t you?” thing with parents lately, and it was SOOO discouraging. It’s hard when we have our own doubts about “am I doing this right?” and then someone who really hasn’t a clue or insight (or even a right to stick their nose) into our lives goes and puts actual words to our personal insecurities. At least that’s how I felt. But, as ugly and frustrating as it was, it did cause me to re-evaluate why I do things the way I do, and where I found room for inprovement, I took action on it, and the rest I took comfort in the fact that I have sought God on the matter and He has led me to where I am for a reason all His. ;^)
I just wanted to add a comment to encourage you about the church nursery. We have 7 children, and with the last three, we kept them in the service with us. We were not saved until we were adults so we’re late bloomers, I guess! 🙂 Anyhow, I’m not sure why you’ve decided to keep your little one in church with you, but it’s a huge blessing to do so. To worship as a family, to train your children from little on to sit quietly, to not have to miss the worship service to do your duty in the nursery (for the ladies who critcize me, I refer them to Mary & Martha, because my heart’s desire is to know God more fully and worship is so vital and wonderful, I don’t want to miss an opportunity to do so), to know your child is properly cared for and protected…the list goes on and on. Keep looking up!!
Laura
It’s now 2025 and I just read through these comments. So fun to see the little stories I shared about Caroline in the comments. I took screenshots and shared them with her and David.
I should have popped in again in real time and said the reason we didn’t put her in the nursery was explained here. I think most people didn’t take the link.
https://sallieborrink.com/people-call-differently-wired-child-idol
This is still one of the deeper wounds I carry in my heart. I don’t dwell on it, but when it comes to mind it is still painful even 18 years later.