Someone was recently explaining to me how she got a child to do something she wanted. It was classic reverse psychology. Telling the child, “Don’t eat that item” in an attempt to make it enticing so he will do it.
I was thinking about this today while we were eating supper. We had Belgian waffles and, for the very first time, Caroline wanted maple syrup on them and eagerly ate them that way. In the past, she would eat the waffles but did not want them adulterated in any way with strawberries or maple syrup. I let it go and eventually she came around on her own and asked for the syrup. The same thing has happened with several different food items. I keep putting them on her plate and if she doesn’t eat them, I dump them. I’m not going to get into battles over food. She is generally a good eater so if she doesn’t want something, I don’t make an issue over it.
So that got me thinking about this comment about reverse psychology. And, truthfully, I had never thought about it before as it pertains to parents getting children to do things. But after a little reflection, I’m thinking…
Isn’t it the same as lying?
You aren’t being truthful with the child. You are telling her one thing when, in fact, you want something completely different.
This truth thing is big for me which is why we won’t do Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy. (I know some people disagree with that train of thought and that’s between them and God and their children.) I want Caroline to know that we will always be truthful with her as far as possible and as far as it is age appropriate. After reflecting on it, this seemed like a form of falsehood to me when I thought about it.
So what do you think?
Edited to add: I was thinking about this more. When using reverse psychology, you are basically telling the child you want her to disobey you. Think about it. You are telling her NOT to do something in the hope that she will. In order to do what you WANT her to do, she has to DISOBEY what you have verbalized. Doesn’t that set a terrible precedence for her understanding obedience?
Contentment in Fully Embracing Our Choices
Lying is Lying. No matter what you call it. Assign a title to it if you will, that doesn’t change how God views it. It reminds me of the change of ‘adultry’ to ‘affair’ in modern conversation. That may sound harsh to some, but in all honesty, it is truth.
I’ve not thought about this deeply, but right off the top of my head could not some forms of ‘reverse psychology’ be cunning? Aren’t there instances when being cunning is a wise thing?
I will have to add this of my list of things to think about, tomorrow.
I agree!
Why would you want to teach your children to defy you?
With regards to food, I also don’t do the “eat this and you can have some of this (ice cream, etc.)” If there is something for dessert, fine, (or not), but I am not getting into diplomatic negotiations over a dish of broccoli.
I too think it sets a precedent fro disobedience. it also creates confusion for a child. they think you are playing “the no game” and disobey out of fun. when I’ve done it I’ve felt the still small voice urging me to “let your yes be yes and your no, no”
OTOH sometimes placing a toy just at an infant’s furthest reach makes them desire the toy, when handing it to them makes them drop it. is this reverse psychology, or what? the same thing goes for new foods. with my youngest I would sometimes say “I don’t think you’ll like this, its grownup food” he would try it and be determined to like it.
It wasn’t lying, most kids don’t like odd foods. and it wasn’t setting up disobedience, I didn’t tell him he couldn’t have it, but I was using my understanding of his motivations to avoid a conflict & get him to do what I wanted. how much of this sort of thing is acceptable. I certaintly wouldn’t use it to the exclusion of teaching/training in obedience. but could it become a tool to stretch my child’s horizons?
I still do something similar with our homeschool, I leave several books lying about, until my 11yod takes an interest in one, then we begin study on that subject. I could just make him study what I want but Ithink we both get more out of the lessons if he’s engaged on his own.
I’ve gone a bit off topic here, but Iwas following the question in my heart. how can we accomplish the goals of “reverse psychology” without lying?
Mrs Nehemiah
It’s not a game we ever played at our house – simply because our goal was and still is immediate unquestioned cheerful obedience. That kind of game, even when folks think it is funny or cute is just confusing. Don’t children get enough mixed messages, without trying to phyche them into doing something they don’t want to do?
As far as food goes we still require a ‘thank you portion’ of every food wither it is liked or not – that way nothing is wasted, if they like it and want more, they get more, if they don’t like it – well, at least they have tried it.
We have done ‘Let’s pretend’ games to encourage the eating of veggies. The children pretend they are giants and the plate is their forest (or backyard/ castle/playground) – which happens to be in a mess after a big storm. The Mama or Daddy Giant asks that the little giants tidy the forest. Somehow it is just more fun when the thank you portion of broccoli is a fallen tree, the bite of mashed potatoes is a pile of sand, or the carrots are fallen logs. This game ended at about age 4 for our daughter who is a very good eater, and about 6 with our son, who incidentally hated all cooked veggies and now has 11 he calls his favorites.
This seems a bit over-analyzed to me. Could there be that many parents who use this as a parenting style? I would think not. Maybe a “I’m-desperate-for-my-child-to-eat-a -vegetable” moment that some people have… I don’t think that makes them liars, no?
There are plenty of times we can’t tell our children the full truth (to protect their innocence) and I don’t consider that lying… although I’ve flat out lied several times to my children if the question is one that is not appropriate for them to know about. And isn’t me saying that I don’t know why my dad left my mom actually A LIE.?? I do know why he left … should I tell them the truth? I think not.
Ha! Maybe now I’m the one over-analyizing …
But if the basis behind your thought process is total and complete honesty, just know that you’re going to find some grey areas later on in Caroline’s life. Or so I think.
I agree that reverse psychology is lying. I, like you, have a very sensitive conscience when it comes to truth.
I think the worst part about using reverse psych on one’s kids is that you are essentially setting them up to sin against you. You actually WANT them to disobey you, like you mentioned. And if they actually do disobey you, they’ve sinned. This is a ridiculous way to parent and, in my mind, has nothing to do with Biblical parenting.
Now, I am sure that one can take this to an unhealthy extreme. I can remember my godly daddy playing a game with us where he would challenge us NOT to smile, inevitably ending in giggles and smiles all around. But I never for a second thought he was actually serious or calling me to obey his “no smile” rule. This seems different than giving the appearance of a serious call to obedience while genuinely desiring the disobedient outcome.
An interesting thought! Thanks for posting.
I agree that this sort of reverse psychology is lying, and I agree with much of what has been written in the comments. But I wanted to highlight a couple of other things. One is that eventually children realize what’s being done (or the olders realize it when it’s done to the youngers), and we’ve taught them to manipulate others to achieve a desired result. This is a terrible lesson that cripples people in their relationships.
Furthermore, I think this is more prevalent today than even 15 or 20 years ago (when my oldest children were toddlers) because we have some … well… lazy parenting styles that have become very popular. Instead of teaching children to obey, our culture has gone to the idea of allowing children to essentially raise themselves and they use this tactic for those times when controlling a child’s behavior is direly needed. Instead of being firm and instilling respect, parents become manipulative to get what they want out of a child.
With regard to not telling inappropriate truths, I see nothing wrong with telling a child that some topics are not appropriate for children and that I’m not going to discuss it with them. That’s truthful, and they learn that just because they ask a question doesn’t mean that they’re entitled to an uncensored answer.
All that said, I have been non-commital about things that I really wanted my teens to choose/do, so that I did not influence them by pushing any rebellion button. There are times with teens that being too honest about what I really want (when the choices are really theirs) is not helpful to the end result, nor to the child’s development in making choices. JMHO…
I think it could go either way. In our house, I have been telling my 3 year old not to do a lot of the things I really want him to do. On the other hand, when I do this, I do it in a very exaggerated voice and with my eyebrows raised and a slight smile. It’s like a game. He thinks he’s being funny (by what he thinks is disobeying me, I guess) when in reality he’s doing what I want him to. On the other hand, when I really tell him not to do something, he knows that I mean business. He may still disobey me, but there is none of the playfulness. Does that make sense?
Is reverse psychology lying?
I think it depends.
If you’re talking about a toddler… I would say, yes, because they have no clue, plus it’s a precedent that you probably don’t want to set (do the same thing 2 days in a row, and they think that’s the way it’s always done!).
However, as Sarah and Lura already touched on, I think it is a different story with older children who understand that it is playful banter that adds an element of fun to the situation and the relationship. I remember loving this as a kid. Humor is so important…
That said, if it is not obviously playful banter and it is done in all seriousness, then yeah… not truthful, nor healthy for the relationship.
I think overt reverse psychology is probably lying, and not a good idea. But I’ll agree that this is a different question with older children. We’re a family of jokers around here–there’s plenty of good-natured sarcasm being batted around (and I think we’re all the closer for it!)
Thanks for the interesting thoughts. They definitely made me think of a few new aspects I hadn’t considered.
I should have mentioned that the child in question is a toddler which I think makes it even more troublesome in my mind. It is challenging enough to get a child to obey at that age and understand motives, etc. without making them wonder if dad or mom is being serious or kidding.
I’m all for having fun and I think as children get older they can understand sarcasm and such. I, um, have a very sarcastic bent and I already know I have to speak plainly so Caroline will know that my yes is yes and my no is no as MrsNehemiah already mentioned.
This was a helpful discussion for me. I didn’t really know what to say at the time, partly because I hadn’t thought about it and partly because the other people involved aren’t Christians and I think are rather hostile to Christianity. Even though truth is truth whether you are a Christian or not, this is one of those topics where I felt I had to really process it through a Biblical perspective once I got away from the situation.
I’m so thankful for such thoughtful readers and comment-ers! 🙂