A few years ago I wrote a post about Introverts in the Church that generated quite a bit of discussion. I was bouncing around the web recently and came across What’s it like to be an introverted woman in church circles? This question was asked by Adam McHugh, the same man who authored the book I profiled in my previous post, Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture.
For the past few weeks I’ve been going back to read the comments on this newer post because they go on and on and on and on and on. This topic clearly hit a nerve. There are so many comments. So many long comments.
There are so many good comments I couldn’t even begin to highlight some of them. So many good stories. So many good insights.
Introverted Women Struggling In Church
It is stunning to see how many quality women struggle with being truly engaged in the local church. I think of the wealth of wisdom and passion that gets completely missed by local congregations because there isn’t a meaningful way to plug these women into the heart of the church. The church is losing so much by not understanding how to integrate and appreciate introverted women.
Even worse than not utilizing their gifts, many of them feel judged or marginalized because of their introversion. It is taken for coldness or snobbery. There’s a clear pattern that is obvious in the comments.
Churches and church leadership apparently have a significant problem with understanding introverted women and what makes them tick.
Church Is Exhausting For Introverted Women
I was also struck by how many of the women said they often didn’t even want to go to church because it is too exhausting. I so relate to this. I think I’ve even written about it on here, but can’t remember where off the top of my head. There are many weeks that the thought of going to church is simply depressing because I honestly don’t have anything left to give. I don’t want to have to be friendly because it feels to me like being fake.
Church life is so geared toward extroverts whether it is progressive dinners, potlucks after the service, camping trips, women’s retreats, or what have you. It’s really unfortunate that this is the reality for so many of God’s daughters each week.
Parenting and Homeschooling As An Introvert
Thank you for posting on this, Sallie. As an introvert, who has definitely become more introverted in the last few years (I’m almost 30 now), I have struggled with how to fit into church when I don’t feel like baring my soul to near strangers, I get exhausted hosting people for meals all the time (especially when I have a toddler and a job too!) and I find small talk tiring. I want to be involved in church and I care deeply about keeping the church body healthy, but I need my space too.
Thank you so much for articulating many of my thoughts. I am pretty sure that you are a 10 year older version of me. 🙂
As a fellow introvert I can totally identify. Great post and great thoughts. I left the last women’s Bible study our church offered after sitting alone through the first session and have not been back since. I’m sure I have been thought of as a snob but most people (who aren’t introverts themselves) don’t realize how difficult, painful even, it is to put yourself forward. My husband and I are both introverts, we both need our space and our down time, and we like to lead a very simple quiet lifestyle. One of the churches we visited and nearly joined when we first married pushed their programs pretty hard. There was something offered almost every night of the week and it came to the point where level of commitment to the Lord was measured by your level of involvement with the church. We couldn’t keep up. He and I were just discussing over the weekend how sad it is that the church (here at least) seems to cater best to certain types and those who don’t fit the mold fall through the cracks. We live in the belt buckle of the Bible belt. The majority of the churches in our area support large homeschool families or families with school age children. As a single woman I didn’t feel my needs were recognized (although I did find places to serve) and as a childless couple there really isn’t place for us.
I do think that the ideal is to have a church becomes like a family to us, so that we are comfortable the way that we are with family. I know that this requires us to push past our normal level of tolerance in many ways.
I am very introverted, but I also have a very strong ecclesiology regarding the local church, and I don’t think that my introversion trumps my theology (not that I’m saying you do, by the way, I’m just explaining my thought process here). So my goal has been to figure out how to become comfortable enough at a church that it becomes a joy to shape my life around it (just as it is to do this with family) instead of such a burden. I admit that I’m tired even after a family Christmas, but it is a delightful sort of tired when compared with a cocktail party with virtual strangers!
We recently switched churches, and it has been interesting. The church we moved to was actually planted by a lot of people we knew, so I’d say that we knew an equal amount of people at both the church we left and the church we moved to. But the church we left was huge, whereas the church we moved to is on the small side. This means that as far as percentages go, I know (and have known for a long time) way more people in the new church than in my old church. When we decided to switch, I was so prepared for a summer of upset, nervous stomachs and depending on my extroverted husband to pave the way, but what I’ve found is that it has been way easier than our old church was! Amazing!
Anyhow, I’m learning that there are certain things that make church “feel” better for an introvert–take liturgy for instance. I think we talked about this before, but I love that our new church follows a loose liturgy, and I know exactly when to sit down and when to stand up. I don’t have to think about it or look around for social cues, you know? When the music is more suited for congregational participation instead of solo singing–you know how to sing the song and you can trust the music team or pastor not to change it on you. Etc. We didn’t pick our new church because of those things, but I’m seeing the benefits of them on a personality level, if that makes sense…
As I grow older, the ability to be ‘on’ for people have finally left me. I no longer feel the need to make
social chatter, nor do I feel compelled to be sociable with anyone. Yes, I have become an introvert and I feel very much at home within myself.
As I began to grow more and more quiet, the social activities and yes, unfortunately this also included our church attendance, became something that neither my husband nor I wanted to participate any longer. Our love for Our Lord & Savior is strong, but we felt as if the programs, the evangelism, the outreaches were all getting in the way of Our Lord’s Gospel.
So far, I am at peace without attending. My time alone with Our Lord is precious to me and I enjoy spending time with my husband on Sundays, without the business and chaos of other Sunday mornings.
In regards to participating, I was one of those women that was involved in everything until I realized that it took me away from my most pressing ministry…. my own family! I have been blessed with two sons and a beautiful daughter that requires constant care due to her many physical disabilities. I am more at peace and content when I am at home tending to my brood. So far, My Lord has kept me here and I am glad for that.
Thank you so much for sharing in regards to this topic. It is not an easy one to share.
Maria
Very interesting post. Is it possible to be an in-between? While I can be introverted at times, I can also be somewhat extroverted. My husband is more of an introvert, so your post has helped me understand a bit better that church and other social activities can be exhausting for him. I am happy to say the church we attend has several introverted women using theirs gifts. Thank you so much!
My husband and I are both introverts, but I love going to church – everything about it. I love the congregational a capella singing, the preaching, the communion, the prayers. I esp. love teaching Sunday school for the children. The 30 minute in-between social time was much harder for me. So I hid outside on the playground and got to know one or two people well, and then added in a one more person each week. I think it is much easier when you have children. I also got a pictorial directory and studied it, learning people’s names and writing in it notes. Then I volunteered in the nursery once a quarter. There I would also get one on one time with people.
Later, when I was more comfortable, I made it my mission to look for people who were sitting around alone, or coming in alone, and I welcomed them and stayed with them for at least 10 minutes, getting them donuts and juice, or finding a place to sit, and offering that they could sit in the pew with me as well. It made a world of difference to me and to others. We need to get out of our own bubbles and reach out.
Once I attended a new VBS where the moms stayed onsite for their own Bible study. Twenty women were seated and no one was talking. Finally, I turned to the woman next to me and introduced myself. She said it was her first time there, and I said, “Me too!” and then every single woman there chimed in and said it was their first time too! We were all waiting for someone to make the first move, waiting for a member to welcome us, but the members were all still working and herding the children to their classes! I was glad I broke the ice.
It’s interesting to go back and read this and the comments over seven years later. When I wrote it, Caroline was around two months away from her sixth birthday. I can hardly remember those days. I do remember being tired, overwhelmed, and discouraged a lot of the time because we still didn’t fully understand her and her needs.
Church is a bit easier now that I don’t have to micromanage her environment (sounds, people, etc.). Trying to navigate strange churches with a highly-sensitive child (who I now know also has processing issues) was exhausting. It really was.
I don’t blame parents with challenging kids for dropping out of church, at least for a season. Unless you’ve lived it, you really have no idea. I’ve written posts more specifically about that. But to combine her needs, my introversion, and my natural bent to worship with my mind while not having a real church home for many years… It was just a difficult combination.
I’m still worn out after going to church. Church isn’t “home” for me in that even when we do attend I have no real connection or history there. So it’s like playing a part when I show up rather than feeling like I belong to something. The difference is real and profound.
Just some random thoughts.
Sallie