I can’t remember how I found this, but it was one of the most insightful tidbits I’ve read in quite some time. It has to do with introverts and how they integrate (or not) into a local church body.
Introvert Involvement In Church
A review in Christianity Today highlighted this part of the book Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture
Extroverts, who want to increase their level of involvement, may proceed roughly in a straight line as they move from the periphery into the nucleus of the community. They move from stranger to acquaintance to participant to core member as they increase the breadth and depth of their relationships, finding more energy as they progress into the community. The journey of introverts into a community, however, is better conceptualized as a spiral. They take steps into a community, but then spiral out of it in order to regain energy, to reflect on their experiences and to determine if they are comfortable in that community. They move between entry, retreat and reentry, gradually moving deeper into the community on each loop. The introverted path into community, much to the confusion of many extroverts, never reaches a point in which the spiraling form is shed.
This. is. so. true.
At least for this introvert it is.
I wish I had read this about fifteen years ago as I have struggled with settling into a church ever since I moved away from my home church to a new city. To be factual, our struggle with settling into a church has not been only an introverted thing (although it has been a significant factor). There were other dynamics at play as well (health, pregnancy, doctrine, family issues, etc.) that all have contributed to our seeming lack of ability to settle down happily. And I’m sure we left some people (and pastors) confused by our strong interest and then our subsequent leaving.
I haven’t had the opportunity to read this book yet as I still can’t do much reading. But I will be adding it to my wish list and look forward to learning more.
Help and Encouragement for Introverts
Adam McHugh has a site called Introverted Church, a spin-off of his book Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture
Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture
Adam mentioned The Introvert’s Corner on his site as well. It is a secular site, but I was very encouraged by some of the things I read there and some of the comments. Sometimes the best encouragement in the world (and the cheapest therapy!) is just to read other people expressing the same things you are thinking. I especially enjoyed “It’ll Be Fun!” and Other Extrovert Lies and the follow-up discussion of Fun, Introvert Style.
A few of my ideas of hades on earth (ala the discussion on the first link):
- Cruises (being stuck on a ship surrounded by miles of water with thousands of people I don’t know full of extroverted activities and overeating?)
- Team-building, especially anything physical (mental exercises are OK since I tend to excel at those)
- Super friendly churches (I’ve been at churches that by the time the service started, I was exhausted from the noise and interaction)
Hope you find some encouragement from the links!
Sallie, have you been reading my mind? I found a blog article a few weeks ago about introverts and the church that really spoke to me in terms of my own struggle with evangelical church culture. (I grew up in a mainline church with a culture more friendly to introverts).
It was so freeing to know that there is nothing wrong with me for detesting small talk or feeling uncomfortable because I don’t want to bare my soul at a cell group.
Thanks for the links. 🙂
Thank you for that link. Interesting article!
Okay, I didn’t actually follow the link, but the mere title “It’ll be Fun!” and Other Extrovert Lies cracked me up.
I remember one time Cindy at Ordo Amoris linked to that book (Introverts in the Church) and I have meant to read it but haven’t had the time. One of the questions she raised (or someone raised in the comments) was whether liturgical churches attract introverts. I do not attend a liturgical church, but I definitely see the appeal. I’m thinking quiet, solemn, and predictable, for starters.
I feel for you that you cannot attend the church you grew up in. I think that my contentment at church is directly tied to the fact that it is home for me.
Brandy, I grew up in the Lutheran church and now attend a non-denominational Lutheran church. I *definitely* think that liturgical churches are more attractive to introverts.
Jen,
What is a non-denominational Lutheran church? I mean this seriously. My experience with Lutherans has been that they can be pretty exclusive in who they interact with in the Christian community so that sounds like an oxymoron to me.
Thanks!
My apologies – that was a type on my part. I meant “non-denomination evangelical church”. 😳
Err… typo. I give up. 🙁
Quiet, solemn, and predictable church services?
Heaven on earth.
“Quiet, solemn, and predictable church services?
Heaven on earth.”
I think this is a big reason I became an Episcopalian! I grew up in a very large evangelical church and the first Sunday I sat in a quiet, reverent liturgical service — with beautiful traditional music instead of raucous praise choruses — I knew instantly it was where I was supposed to be.
Perhaps ironically, given my introversion, I also loved that the liturgical service was very participatory rather than watching others, as I often did in our evangelical church (i.e., choir, drama groups, etc.) — but as far as the participatory nature, everyone knows their role and doesn’t intrude on my space, so I get to actively worship with prayer and song but I don’t feel like others are putting me on the spot and making me do things in a group that I don’t want to do (one of an introvert’s nightmares). Participating in the worship feels like it’s between me and God, if this makes any sense.
That Introvert’s Corner is a wonderful link!! I have a dear friend I am always happy to have call because we have great long conversations, but otherwise I absolutely hate the phone. (Ironically my friend is the most amazing “phone caller” I have ever known, she thinks nothing of calling complete strangers about anything whatsoever — my idea of torture.) I have felt for a long time it’s because the person on the other end of the phone always *wants* something. But reading the article on that topic at the Introverts Corner, I realize that it’s also about having to direct my mind away from what it’s engaged in, and because of needing to “think fast,” for instance decide if I have time to do a rush job or do whatever else the person on the line wants.
Thanks again for the very interesting links.
Best wishes,
Laura
I guess this is a safe place to admit that I actually wait until after the whole “greet your neighbor” part is done before I go into the sanctuary. 😆
I suspect there are many people who avoid church like the plague because of the greet your neighbor thing.
You know why I dislike it? It feels supremely fake to me. People will smile at you and tell you how glad they are to see you. And then you can miss nine weeks of church in a row and apparently no one even notices. 😯
Don’t ask me how I know this. 🙁
I very often go to the restroom at the greet your neighbor part of the service.
It’s always been helpful for me to remember that STILL WATERS RUN DEEP.
Just because someone doesn’t have a great deal to say, or doesn’t cry at every service, or raise their hands in worship (your worship style may vary) does NOT mean they are not spiritual, godly people in relationship with Christ.
My husband is one of those still-waters-run-deep kind of people. When he does open his mouth to share, you’d better listen because it’s gonna be GOOD!!! 🙂
Ohhhh. The only good part about the ‘greet your neighbor’ was a chance to slip out to the bathroom.
I cannot do the ‘meet and greet’ either.
It looks as if I’m going to NEED to order this book very soon.
I feel the same way about cruises.
My husband is much more extroverted (opposites attract…), and I cannot fathom his interest in something like a vacation at a dude ranch. Being dropped into the middle of group activities for a week at an isolated location with complete strangers, doing organized group activities rather than exploring my own interests, doing things that are physical or crafty, not being able to get away from other people all day long… Fortunately a dude ranch is too expensive to actually afford so it’s never been a serious issue, or I’d be torn between wanting to make him happy and dreading an experience like that…
I think one of the raps introverts get is that we’re selfish or standoffish, or that we don’t like people — because we don’t get our energy from interacting with others and because we find prolonged group participation tiring. It took me a while to figure out it didn’t really have anything to do with being selfish, but that I feel happy and get energy from more intimate, deep relationships with others and from “the life of the mind,” and that’s simply how God made me. It’s wonderful knowing that there are plenty more people out there just like me.
Best wishes,
Laura
I will be coming into full communion with the Roman Catholic Church this Saturday at the Easter Vigil service. I did not decide to take this path because I am an introvert. Becoming a Catholic (especially coming from a Presbyterian background) is not something I have taken lightly. However, the RCC does seem to me to be a haven for someone like me. I haven’t felt an ounce of pressure to do this activity or be a part of this group; yet people have been very welcoming to my family. It’s odd to me how the RCC can be very much focused on building community, but can at the same time be a welcoming place to an introvert.
One thing I really like about Mass is the predictability of it all. As an introvert, it is very comforting.
Hi Sallie – I heard Adam interviewed on Prime Time America on Moody Radio last night. I guess it was the second or third part of the interview, and they had been talking to him since Monday. You could probably find the interview on the PTA website if you’re interested.
I am Catholic and I am always fascinated by articles such as Sallie linked to above. One of the wonderful things about being Catholic, although some in the church would disagree with me, is the lack of focus on all the “fellowship” etc. It is there if one wants it, but it is not part of the Sunday experience usually, and your only obligation is to pray the Mass each week. I am always rather confused by Christians of other denominations who leave churches because they didn’t find the fellowship (friends?) they wanted there : )
And then, more and more Catholics attend Latin Masses now, which are even less participatory and some would say, more sacred and prayerful than the modern Catholic mass.
I’m always drawn to your introvert posts, Sallie. I seem to be getting more introverted as I get older. I think I have an introverted family, too, because going to church every week is an uphill battle because my children actually might have to talk to someone, horrors! They do seem to be more outgoing in scouts, for some reason. But the church thing is like the equivalent of moving a huge boulder every Sunday. I hate it! And that’s sad.
We go to a PCA church right now because, honestly, I can’t think of where else to go. Our church is friendly, but not overly so. We’ve been in the clapping and choruses kind of church and I actually found that kind to help me become less introverted. I would dearly love to be in a quiet, contemplative atmosphere every time I go to worship, though. But liturgical churches are often liberal in their teachings. We visited an Anglican church that split and went with the more conservative diocese, but the teaching there wasn’t sound.
No easy answer.
This spoke to me too. Thanks for the link!
In high school, I took the M-B personality typing test at least four times. And at least half the time, I scored barely introverted. The other half of the time, I scored barely extroverted. I really wobble back and forth. Some weeks at church, I don’t mind speaking up in Sunday School, but as we’re on the way home, I sit there and think, “I never want to talk again in church. I just want to go and be invisible.”
I definitely spiral. I wonder sometimes if, for me, it’s my current situation/events that affects whether I’m feeling introverted or extroverted. For example, health issues/bedrest and hospitalization with my last pregnancy really affected me in such a way that I haven’t quite felt comfy going back in to the fray at church since my twins’ births. I have avoided church because I just don’t feel like talking to people (many of them clearly extroverted) who come across disingenuous at church. While I was hospitalized, I just wanted all the supposed church well-wishers to go away. And I have longed to go to a church where no one notices me and I can just be there to worship and learn.
I just bought this book a few days ago. I’ve had it for two days and I’m just devouring it! So freeing and so personal. Very great book so far…Raising some very tough questions of the heart and very interesting things are being brought to the surface of my soul. I know this will help heal me…I would get it if I were you. Introvert or not, it will help you understand yourself and others.
My big question now is, is heaven going to be one big social gathering? If so.. 🙁
God bless you and keep you all.
I am so relieved in reading this, I was thinking that because I could not commit to a church and get all moved by the singing and the dancing and the 2-4 times a week of activities. That it was because, as everyone else in the church thinks, that I am not a believer and commited to my belief in God. I am a believer in God and his creations, especially his natural creations, I personally love to worship God by walking out the door in the sunshime or when a thunderstorm comes up and watching the changing sky and the lightening, or in my cats playing or the kittens growing up, on a good ride on my horse or mule in the fresh air…….but that is my world, I live in and in my mind that is Gods world that he has given me the favor of being a part of. I am blessed, but when it comes to going to a church with all that comotion and overwhelming excitement is not something I want to deal with all the time. I have always wondered, surely I am not alone??
Thanks for reposting this,Sallie. I will have to read this book. A few years ago, my husband gifted me a book entitled Quiet,also about introverts. The author has a chapter titled something like Why Church is for Extroverts, or something. It was a life changer for me. I also make myself scarce during hug and greet time at church, but at the church we’ve been sort of attending for the past few years, the pastor is so extroverted that he feels the need to pepper his messages with commands to “turn to your neighbor and say this or that”. Arrrgh! I’ve even had to leave church because of panic attacks. It’s good to have the reassurance I’m not alone.
Hi Cheryl,
I have Quiet on my Kindle and I just pulled it out to read that part about churches again. It’s spot on in many regards. There is this sense that you have to be outgoing and extraverted to be an engaged Christian. The thought of attending a place like Saddleback (featured in the chapter) with 22,000 people attending weekly is so depressing I can’t even express it.
I know some will not agree with me, but I think the seeker-sensitive, mega-church model has been so destructive to the Christian church in America over the past 25-30 years. It’s produced so much shallowness. The Body of Christ was not supposed to be about the Culture of Personality (as it is called in the book).
So much to say on this topic. LOL! I need to revisit this in a future post.
Sallie
Sallie, I could not agree more! Thanks again. This topic is such a blessing. I honestly had no idea that so many people feel this way about church. I have always attended these mega type, culture of personality churches since making a commitment to Christ as a young adult. Right now, I think I’m ready to check out the little church on the corner. 🙂
We have always had to look for smaller and quieter churches. Even before we had Caroline, we knew we needed that. Just requiring that eliminated the vast majority of churches no matter where we lived. That was before we even narrowed it down over major doctrinal beliefs. People should not have to leave church feeling like they have been emotionally and physically assaulted by noise.
I’d be interested to know how many of the Dones (committed Christians who no longer attend church) are strongly introverted. I would bet the percentage is high. Really high.
Sallie
And the part that really frosts me (if I may rant for a moment) is that it is ALWAYS the introverts who are seen as the problem.
If you don’t like loud music in church because it makes you physically ill, then you are the problem because you don’t care about the younger people or the way new generations want things. No, I just hate loud music and crowds and it doesn’t matter where it is. Church doesn’t magically change my body to relate to external stimuli in a different matter.
So what do introverts do? They walk away. They are seen as the ones with the problem. They choose between becoming ill at church or staying home in the peace and quiet where they can think. And somehow people are shocked when the introverts disconnect and so they call them selfish.
As you can tell, this is a hot topic for me. LOL!
Sallie
I would like to officially update my list of three things. There is something far worse than:
“Cruises (being stuck on a ship surrounded by miles of water with thousands of people I don’t know full of extroverted activities and overeating?)”
Add to that a deadly disease and quarantine where you have NO CONTROL over your life at that point.
I have never ever understood the appeal of a cruise. Now? Watching all this unfold with the Diamond Princess in Japan has taken introvert nightmare to a whole new level.