This was originally written in June 2009 at the height of the “homeschool or you are a terrible Christian and will lose your children forever” movement in Christian homeschool blogging. I was thinking about this topic again and found this post to republish. I have rewritten it a bit because the post I linked to originally is from a blog that no longer exists. But the truth is just the same today as it was nine years ago. By way of advanced postscript, the son in question now attends the U.S. Naval Academy.
A prominent Christian blogger with several children recently shared that she and her husband have decided to (gasp! choke!) have their oldest son attend a small school with several other Christian boys who will all be taught by one woman.
Oh the drama! Oh the humanity! Christian mother who homeschools decides to do something that veers off the narrow path! As you can imagine, this has elicited a flurry of comments and a hot discussion.
Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit. Most of the people who commented left very kind, intelligent comments and it was a thought-provoking discussion even with people pushing back and leaving warnings for her. I left a couple of comments and one of them is what I wanted to write about here. I said in comment 43:
Re: encouraging women to do the hard thing… Sometimes doing the hard thing is not homeschooling multiple children. Sometimes the hard thing is having your heart changed by God and going public with it. Sometimes doing the hard thing is not driving yourself into the ground to be the perfect Christian mother. Sometimes the hard thing is admitting to the world that God’s version of your calling does not look like those around you or even what you expected it would be.
That’s what I wanted to write about today. Doing hard things. And why so many Christians seem to think that the only good things are the hard things and that if it is less hard or even (gasp!) easier it must be intrinsically evil and not of God.
Think I’m making this up? No.
Are the Hard Things Always from God?
I just received a homeschool newsletter today in which one of the columnists said something to that effect. This person said (in the context of persevering in homeschooling when things are difficult) and I quote, “The good stuff is tough. The easy stuff isn’t good.”
I simply don’t agree with that.
Yes, there may be an element of truth to it, but I think it is a statement that has the potential to add burdens to people who don’t need it. Yes, the Bible teaches that those who follow Christ will suffer and that God disciplines those He loves. Yes, we can expect trials and tribulations in this world. I’m certainly not going to say that those things aren’t in the Scriptures. Of course we are going to go through hard and challenging times.
But I wonder how often we make things harder than God wants them to be.
How many of the hard things that Christians carry (especially women) were never put there by God, but they have strapped a rock-filled backpack to their spiritual life and they are going to carry it no matter what.
Because if it is hard and killing me it has to be of God and it has to be good!
God would never give me a break! God would never graciously give me a gift that was easily received and to be enjoyed. No way! Not me!
God’s going to crush me into the ground and, even if it kills me, I’m going to keep on doing X, Y, and Z. Yes, it is hard and killing me, but that’s what the Christian life is about. If you aren’t suffering, you aren’t living for Christ!
Maybe no one would come right out and say it, but how many people think that way and are driven by those kinds of thoughts?
Taking the “Easy” Way Out?
I never expected to have an only child. I never expected to be 39 when I had a child and discover that my body was not designed to produce lots of babies. Some people would look at our decision to not pursue any more children for the sake of my health and think, “Wow. How selfish. She sure took the easy way out.”
Easy? No, it was not easy on many levels.
Yes, it was easy in that God in His grace made it abundantly clear this was the best route for us. David has never doubted or wavered in this decision. I have had brief seconds of wavering, but I’ve never seriously doubted we made the right choice. But what some people would call taking the easy way out was not easy. It is hard to go against the popular flow of having at least two or three children. It is hard to have one child and know she will never have siblings.
What is easy for one person can be excruciatingly difficult for someone else. And we tread in dangerous places spiritually when we think we can judge someone else’s faith and walk with Christ based on whether they are making the same decisions we would.
I have no doubt that there are lazy Christians who need to be admonished to press on and persevere when the going gets tough. But I would like to suggest that perhaps when the going gets tough, we need to see if we have veered from our communion with Christ and are in fact making it tough because of our own choices, not the calling God has on our lives.
Perhaps we are more motivated by the fear of man than the fear of God.
Maybe instead of seeing God as a giant, oppressive drill sergeant just waiting to drop another boulder into our backpack for the long trek up the mountain, we should ask Him to open our eyes to where He longs to bring delight and joy and – dare I say it? – a measure of ease into our lives?
Maybe, just maybe, if our life is killing us and the true joy of the Lord is gone, it’s possible we’ve brought some of it on ourselves.
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Well said and beautifully written! Thank you for sharing that!!
Amen!!! Thank you for expressing this so well!
Amen, Sallie!
where is the verse where Jesus tells the pharasees “you bind up heavy loads”…
yes some good things are hard, but many good things are easy. and sometimes the things that come easily to us (our passions) are the things we are “called” to do.
I think we veer off course anytime we take one idea and twist it to be universally applicable.
and yet it is so common it must be part of our human nature.
Mrs N
Using your example, I would never say that someone in your situation regarding family size took the easy way out Sallie. I grew up only, and there are certainly joys and sorrows that go along with it.
It’s one thing to have one child because that is truly what you want, but when you have choices made for you by other circumstances outside of your control, it’s a hard, hard road indeed.
And sometimes the road is foggy, which makes the road even harder to navigate. I have two kids and I ache for another one. But due to medical reasons, I shouldn’t. But I technically could, if I really really really wanted to, some would say.
No offense to anyone, but I can’t even read blogs by moms with large families. I’m Catholic, and in conservative Catholic circles, good Catholic mom is synonymous with “Mom of Many.
I guess I’m still working through the pain of my road, even though some would say I am taking the easy way out by stopping at 2.
I think I need to print this quote out!
Ann – It is interesting you mention not reading blogs of women with large families because I was thinking after I posted my list of favorite blogs yesterday that a good number of them are moms with many children. I think what sets them apart is that none of them preach “more is holier”. If they did, then I wouldn’t read their blog because I would find it to be like constantly picking at a scab. Not helpful. But they tend to focus on other topics that interest me so I don’t find it troubling to read. If the number of children comes up it is usually just more in passing and related to another topic as opposed to it being a litmus test of a person’s spiritual state. Not sure if making that differentiation would be helpful to you, but thought I would mention it.
Another excellent post! One of the very hardest things that I’ve struggled with as a Christian is accepting that God loves me and delights in me and actually wants me to be still so he can bless me; thinking grace may be for everyone else, but certainly not for me. Another hard thing I’ve been learning lately is that it’s okay to not finish what I’ve started: this spring I dropped out of a Master’s program halfway through. My grades were fine and I could have finished, but I was called to drop it and move on.
I can also think of several occasions where I was pounding my head against the wall trying to “do my duty” and make things happen under my own power, but when the time came for God to move, everything fell into place very easily and elegantly, with no help from me at all.
I did think that the article Amy referenced confused attachment parenting with helicopter parenting to some degree. AP emphasizes early attachment as a foundation so that the child feels secure enough to take steps toward independence later on. Helicopter parenting–I think–discourages independence as a goal in the first place. I do feel (in myself) and see (in others) a lot of vulnerability to parenting fads; I had absolutely no experience in caring for babies until I had one of my own, and I think of myself as being on the remedial track of parenthood.
Thank you Sallie, this is so well said. I loved what you said in the comments at Amy’s and I love how you’ve expounded here.
Didn’t Jesus say something about his burden being light? 🙂
My daughter and I were just talking about going through difficult times in life but how God gives one the grace to handle whatever He allows us to go through. Neither of us would want some of the trials friends have had but we can handle our own (by getting closer to Him).
People will go through hard times in life but to decide to think it must be God’s will if something is hard and not if it is easy is to not understand God’s work of Grace in our life.
Homeschooling can be difficult at times (especially with an ADHD child) but if it doesn’t also bring joy then we’re hurting ourself and our children. I loved learning and researching (and books) long before the decision to homeschool our son.
Our daughter was born a year after our first son died having been born 2 1/2 months too soon. Our son was born twelve years later and my health problems started during that pregnancy. I tell people the timing is God’s sense of humor. 🙄
Amen and amen! The unbiblical thought that God always asks us to do what is hardest has clouded my view of Him and stunted growth in my relationship with Him. Yes, we are told to expect suffering, yes He disciplines those He loves… BUT He also delights in granting the desires of our heart, He intimately knows our needs and meets those needs, He loves to heap blessing upon blessing in our lives. He loves us and is a good Father. How I continually need to soak in this truth. Thanks for your reminders.
You must be in my head lately! Good good stuff.
My husband and I have gone round and round about this……..he was/is so convinced that if you were enjoying yourself you must be doing something sinful, ugg. Such a frustrating way of looking at our relationship with Christ, He wants good things for us, right?
Ofcourse I have seen this taken the other way too, if you aren’t happy all the time then you aren’t being a good Christian, and the name it and claim it doctrines, they are kinda the other side of this coin and just as dangerous.
oh and I wanted to agree with Peggy on the AP thing, I think Amy (whom I love btw) was off in referencing that article as AP. Attachment parenting should produce confidence and independanceas a result of the security that the child has because of their attachment to the parent.
I wonder about this idea.
(I agree with you, Sally.)
Besides, what may be hard for me may be the easiest thing in the world for you. Would that thing be Godly for me and sinful for you? Don’t think so…
He loves us.
Another aspect of this is privacy. We should’t butt into anyone else’s business. People can do whatever it is that they deem best, and they don’t need to explain it to me!
We often are so busy proving to others how spiritual we are, and forget its not others we are trying to impress. In fact, we aren’t even trying to impress God. We can’t.
I wish we could learn to do our best to please God and at the same time, give each other a break!
That being said, God does sometimes ask us to do hard, hard things. But when he does and we do, we are filled with such joy, that we would do it all again in a heartbeat.
Blessings!
Hi Sallie,
I’m so glad you’ve reposted this, I didn’t remember ever having read it before.
I am being reminded a lot lately that if my motive is not lovely, I am not following Christ in that thing. As such, your post is timely ?
As for the original supposition, I have always been blunt that if there were a Christian woman who would homeschool my girl with a few other like-minded families, WILD HORSES could not have kept me away!
Hi Cristy,
I have hundreds of old posts that are in “storage” so to speak. LOL! There are lots that are good, but need a bit of updating, images, etc. I’m trying to bring them back out. Some of them had great discussions as well.
Sallie
Oh Sallie. Thank you for sharing this post. It was an answer to a small prayer this morning on the way to work. God sends messages in delightful and unexpected ways. God bless you.
Hi Kathryn,
It must have been meant for you because I had no intention of sharing this today. Thank you for telling me. That really blesses me.
Sallie
Perhaps this is one reason we’re not to add to (or take away) from God’s word. Adding additional criteria to being a “good” Christian is not from God, but I think from Satan as a way to cause us misery. Truly, Jesus came and died on the cross to save us from the Law. The Law is a mirror that showed we were hopelessly sinful and couldn’t measure up to what a “good” person should be. Add the list of criteria many Christians place upon modern day living and you can see this is not from God.
Besides, doesn’t God judge us not on our works, but rather on the intent in our hearts? What good is it to appear as a “good” Christian home schooler when all the while there’s resentment and “duty” as the motive?
I agree with the woman who said that His burden is light. Not that life is easy or that our decision to home school is always sunshine and roses, but our motive makes a difference; one our kids do detect whether or not we realize it.
Good thoughts, Michele. Thank you!
Sallie
Thanks for updating and re sharing this post, Sallie. It resonated with me. We just graduated our youngest of four homeschooled children last June, so now I’m decompressing, lol. What stands out most for me is the way we as Christians judge one another based on appearances and man made, supposedly biblical standards. It’s amazing what you find out about someone if you take the time to listen to their story instead of judging first and writing them off. I’m still processing my family’s homeschool journey. After 21 years, it might take a while.
Hi Cheryl,
It is amazing how people will so quickly write others off. I had that happen on Facebook. A long ago reader who I got to know pretty well found me on Facebook and friended me. Until I shared a post about something and then she unfriended me. I’m like, “Really? Just over that?” It was weird and sad at the same time. Never asked me about it. Just assumed things about me because of it. Oh well.
Sallie
Sallie,
I’m grateful as well that you reposted. Like Cristy, I didn’t see this before and right now I have an interesting opportunity before me. I knew it would be hard before, the more I am coming to understand it will be intense. Does this mean I can’t do it? No, hubby gives 2 thumbs up- but that does not equal him saying “do it”. I means he knows (and I know!) if I put my mind to it I CAN do it.
The question is: Is this what God is calling me to? It has to be from Him for everyone to reap benefit (this extends outside of family but would impact them greatest). I’ve had just really begun to heal (we’ve chatted about this before during our FB days. ;o) ) and then ta-da: Celiac disease. ha! I kinda chuckled and said, “Lord I could have been wrong about this, I would have been okay with being wrong!”. So this is its own new challenge and I won’t even go down the path of genetics and the children. *grin*.
I forget rest is a gift. Being still (so to speak) is a gift. Hard things are a gift, when ordained of God. But wow, they are just plain miserable when I can’t say “no”.
Hi Kelley,
I’m so glad you were encouraged by this as well. Keep us posted as you desire!
Sallie
My husband and I are both onlies (his dad married again and has children from that marriage but we won’t go there) and it does give a unique view on life. I think it instills a certain amount of independence, self-reliance and self-starting. I don’t ever rely on anyone else to provide my entertainment, workload or instructions, for starters. We both recognise that we need ‘me’ time as well as ‘our’ time to function. We are not joined at the hip and have happy lives and interests of our own as well as together.
The hard thing for my parents was realising I would be the only one. The hard thing for my husband’s parents was realising their marriage would not survive because he was the only one. Not easy. And not particularly good either.
Good to see you!
Having an only is a unique experience with so many layers. I can see how it could bring a couple closer together and also cause problems in other marriages. It is wonderful that you and your husband have found a good balance of understanding in your marriage. That’s a real blessing.
Sallie