Like most first-time moms-to-be, I’ve already been offered lots of advice and counsel. I actually welcome it because I appreciate hearing about other people’s experiences. I also welcome it because over the past several years I’ve learned not to listen to everyone who gives me advice.
That might sound contradictory, but it isn’t. I truly do enjoy hearing about the experiences that different people have in their Christian walk. As long as they tell their story with humility and a desire to be helpful, I am always up for a good story and advice. However, when the “advice” turns authoritarian and judgmental, I politely listen and then move on.
So far the best piece of advice I’ve received was from David’s Aunt Gail. When I called to tell her the news, she told me to trust my instincts. God has given me those instincts for my own situation and to trust them. I really appreciated that because we’ve already had to make some choices that I know not everyone would agree with. But that is ok, because David and I are in agreement and feel confident of our decisions before God.
I do believe that God’s timing is not our timing, but His timing is always perfect for His will in our lives. I’ve written before of some of the challenging spiritual experiences David and I have gone through in our marriage. Some were self-inflicted and some were not. I am thankful beyond words that God saved us from making some really stupid decisions. I am also thankful beyond words that God graciously kept some blessings from us until a better time. I see this pregnancy as a prime example of this.
I shudder to think some of the choices we might have made if we had had children sooner. I also shudder to think of some of the unnecessary burdens I might have labored under (pun intended!) if I had allowed the convictions and thinking of others to dictate my own decisions.
One of the things that David and I have clearly seen over the past couple of years is that “religious systems” do not work, even those that are given in the name of Christ and are backed up chapter and verse with Scriptures. There are lots of “experts” out there who claim to have the Bible all figured out and who can tell us in minute details exactly how we are supposed to do absolutely everything in our lives. This includes how to have babies, how to take care of them, how many to have, etc. They present their systems in such a way that any deviation from that system is labeled sin – clear and simple. Some people can look at those “systems” and just walk away, shaking their heads in disbelief. Other people are drawn to them, I think primarily in a desire to be right before God and to live biblically. Those are good and proper desires, but the desire to be “right” can become addictive and override the desire for God Himself. I am thankful that although I can tend to be this way, God in His GREAT GRACE saved us from anything worse than what we went through.
So because of having my eyes opened to the bankruptcy of these “systems”, I’ve gone into this pregnancy with my expectations lowered. Not in the bad sense, but in the sense of not having these illusions of what it means to have a “perfect” pregnancy and delivery. When the doctor told me that it was likely I would have to have a c-section, it did not make me feel like I would be less of a woman. Frankly, to a certain degree I could care less how the baby comes out. I have never had thoughts of being a “real woman” by doing natural childbirth. Instead, the main thought that came to me was a sense of profound gratitude to live in a day and age where a c-section is possible. A lot of women in the past have suffered horribly and died because that option was not available to them. Having a “natural childbirth” doesn’t make a female a “woman” any more than impregnating a female makes a male a “man”. I was a complete woman in Christ before I ever got pregnant and I’ll be just as complete whether the baby enters this world one way or another. Frankly, I just don’t get it when I read pregnancy books about women who feel like failures or that they have been robbed because they had to have a c-section. I thought the point was to have a child? Isn’t what goes on in the eighteen+ years following the birth a lot more important than zipper vs. vaginal?
I feel the same way about breastfeeding. Of course I know that God has designed women in such a way that breastfeeding is the best choice for both the infant and the mother. I am well aware of the fact that it is the healthiest choice. However, I’ve watched many women suffer horribly through trying to achieve the “perfect” motherhood experience and they thought that HAD to include breastfeeding. At what point is the physical and emotional suffering on the part of the mother no longer worth it? Of course breastfeeding is of great value and I plan on making an effort to make it work. (And it’s thrifty!) But drive myself and everyone around me crazy if it doesn’t work after some effort? No way.
And don’t even get me going on cloth vs. disposable diapers! I cannot believe how some people make this an issue of life or death. Good grief! Keep the baby dry and happy! Isn’t that the main principle?
Well, I’m sure I’ve shocked and alienated some people by now. And I’m sure there have been a few “Amens” said as well. I’m sure it shocked some people the other day when I joked about vasectomies. I’m just trying to be honest here. My objective is to have a CHILD, not an EXPERIENCE. When we contemplated adoption, I thought the best part of it was that you walked into the hospital, picked up the baby, went home and started living. No recovery for your body, etc. Just start enjoying that baby! I thought that sounded rather wonderful myself!
So those are my thoughts on this journey I’ve started out on. And, no, my thinking hasn’t been (too) clouded by my first trimester woes. These are things David and I discussed long before I ever got pregnant. And just to be clear and avoid any misunderstanding… I do not look down in any way on women who want the whole “natural” thing. If they find it enjoyable and an important part of their life experience, more power to them and good for them! Me, I’m more looking forward to baking cookies, reading books, and watching David and my parents hold our little Peanut more than any of the process I’m currently going through. I’m just paying my dues so I can reap a beautiful harvest in October.
Wonderful post, Sallie! I’ve had the same questions you do, and like you, have to shake my head in amazement at the things that people will consider THE final statement on any given subject.
What a sane post, I could’nt agree more. I’m a midwife(currently not practising) and the mother of 4 fabulous boys here in the UK. I have found that as soon as you become a mother you run up against the sort of mindset you describe. I have even had people offer me their “condolences� on the birth of my 3rd and 4th sons for not having a girl, aargh!
I tend to favour homebirth, breastfeeding for as long as possible etc, but these things can so easily become a form of religion. I looked after a dear friend during all 4 of her pregnancies, she was also my midwife. Her first was a section and she really struggled to come to terms with her sense of loss, though all that is in perspective now as the mother of 4 adorable daughters.
Breastfeeding is a biggie, people can tend to get very heated up and emotional about it. I would say that it is worth knowing that the early days (the first 2 or 3 weeks) can be a struggle but it is very different thereafter. It truly is worth persisting up until then before considering offering formula, I consider it akin to a blood transfusion as it is living tissue as opposed to inert substance. I am very fair skinned and from my observation I do think this makes one more prone to soreness initially. I am still very grateful for friends I had who encouraged me to hang in there for the first couple of weeks without making me feel as though I had failed in some way if I had’nt. My decision to persist was disapproved of by some. Like you, I learnt to trust my instinct, ingnore those who were like Jobs comforters, and thank God for friends who were interested only in supporting rather than instructing me.
I wish you a most blessed pregnancy and a joyful experience of mothering in all its richness! Clare
Good to see you back, Sallie! Hope you’re feeling better. I’m so glad for you that you have already learned this lesson BEFORE you had the baby. It will save you much heartache later! Great post!
You are wise to begin motherhood with such a flexible attitude. I work with children, and I think many parents drive themselves crazy believing that things HAVE to be a certain (perfect) way and trying to control everything.
I am not a mother (or wife!) yet myself, but your pregnancy (and the stories of so many of the other women who commented, who became mothers later in life)… gives me hope!
Thanks for giving freedom and grace to moms and dads alike. I’ve been stifled before by the “lists” and became weirdly obsessive about following them.
But Jesus sets us free from all that, if we let Him!
Oh, did I enjoy your post. It is filled with wisdom. Although I had our son the ‘natural’ way, I struggled with breastfeeding. I tried my best. Everyone was telling me that this so important for the baby and the mother (bonding thing). Well, I did it for six weeks and those six weeks were stressful. I was a wreck and my son wasn’t satisfied, because I was stressed (the catch 22 thing). Well, I gave it up after 6 weeks – baby happy – mommy happy :smile:.
I think that David’s aunt was truly wise. I know what you and David will do an incredible job being parents.
You go girl! I had a Csection with my first and she and I were just as healthy as could be. She was the only one I successfully breastfed too….well until she bit me at 5 months and we went to bottles. I agree with Iris…have a happy baby and mom, enjoy the conveniences that are out there! I appreciate the women who do things naturally, but an epidural and baby formula didn’t hurt my kids one bit. They are all equally as healthy, happy and since I’m such a whimp, having that epidural to fall back on was a great relief!
BTW….my sister went into labor at 4:30am this morning! She is the one who had one baby, then was told it would be very hard, impossible even, to have another. So when she unexpectedly got pregnant again (at 40, 8 years after her first child) it was all the more a miracle and sweet! It’s such a relief when the labor and waiting is over and you have a sweet baby to hold.
Sallie,
I’m sure your post is an encouragement to many moms-to-be as well as moms of many. I had very strict ideas before I had my first child, back when I *knew* everything :wink:. But my ideas changed the older I got and the more our family grew. Whatever you decide to do, a healthy baby and peaceful home are what really matter.
What helped me most throughout pregnancy was prayer — thanking God for Psalm 139, that He was knitting His child in my womb, and that He had the perfect plan for labor and delivery. I was thankful to be able to breastfeed, but it’s not as important as loving and bonding with your baby in whatever way is best.
As someone who has had 3 Cs and 3 vaginal births, I would just encourage any new mom to do your homework, and be a good medical consumer. Ask questions. A C-section is a big deal. Although it is the most often performed procedure in the US and has a good safety record, it is major abdominal surgery and carries with it the extra risks to mom and to baby. I once heard a speaker say you should put in at least as much reading and research preparing for childbirth as you would in buying a car or a new major appliance. I think that’s good advice!
Wish you all the best!
I’m one of those readers saying AMEN! I have three children, all of which were csection babies (and I can say with all truth that one of them would not have survived the birth any other way). I breastfed one and really detested it but did it only because I felt so guilt-laden to do so. My subsequent 2 children were bottlefed….all to say I love the Lord Jesus with all my heart. It isn’t so much how you get the children here as it is how you raise them, and WHO you raise them for. Also I give a hearty AMEN to your aunt’s advice to trust your instincts. You’re going to do great!
Peanut has a very wise mommy! We “older” moms do have a scrap of wisdom going for us, don’t we? Maybe we can just leave the “systems” to the young and the foolish?
Once again, Sallie, you have shared much wisdom in a short amount of space!
You said it best when you said “My objective is to have a child not an experience.”
And I might say that Aunt Gail sounds pretty wise, too. My husband always thought it was funny to see what I might crave to eat during my pregnancies. Sometimes it was really odd stuff, though not like the friend I once had who crave Oreos opened and stuffed with sardines! Years later we read that cravings are the body’s natural way of telling you what you need to be eating.
This past weekend, when the temp dropped below zero, the first time since early Decemnber, I craved peanut covered M and M’s all day. Clay went to Wal-Mart for a furnace filter and came home with three bags of chocolate. The check-out guy told him he had sold more chocolate that day than ever before at this local Wal-Mart and it wasn’t left-over Valentine’s stuff either because that is long gone and Easter stuff is already out.
We think it because people were craving fatty food because of the cold.
The moral of this story….listen to the chocolate or whatever fairy who is whispering in your ear!
Your thoughts are wise.
I had my first and second children in the midst of system-subscribing, competitive “perfect mommies” and a mother-in-law who did all she could to purposely tear me down. I ignored them best I could and chose to be honest with myself and other new mothers in an encouraging and humble way.
(forgot to add, I’m also expecting a baby in October!)
Sounds like you’ve got a good handle on things to come. Just wanted to stop by and let you know I’m still thinking and praying for you.
Blessings
Spunky
Your words are so wise! We can all nitpick over the tiny details and forget the big picture. I would love to have a biological child of my own, if I could do it by C-section and bottle feed. I was pregnant once and miscarried and never got pregnant again. I’m 47 years old now. However I am grateful since God has given me two precious children to adopt. We all have so much to be grateful for whatever the Lord has given to us. Do what is best for yourself. Blessing, Gloria
gloria, your words above just put it ALL into perspective. God bless you for choosing to adopt, I think it is a wonderful way to grow a family! 🙂 We are praying about adopting a child in the near future.
Oh I so enjoyed that.Thank you for your desire to be honest! My firts 4 months were a night mare of sickness and no one’s tips seemed to work. I actually ate salt and vinegar crisps to stop myslef being ill (maybe why I still have so much weight to loose!) However, things do change (I know, people keep telling you that). Some days were really tough when my baby was first born….but each day comes to an end and a new one begins with new joys and blessings and a God whose mercies are new every morning. Great is His fathfulness.
My mum used to say ‘its either you or the baby’…..and she was right. You have to do the right thing by you and your husband in looking after your child. After all, what good is it being guilt ridden and feeling inadequate about not doing things ‘right’? If only we were so conscious about doing what is right in God’s sight.
Sorry, that comment got a bit long!
Blessings
Susanna
Ladies,
Thank you so much for every one of your comments and words of wisdom and encouragement. Reading your comments as they came through gave me something to look forward to whenever I managed to get up off the couch! 🙂
Although I have to say, the day I crave Oreos filled with sardines is the day…. I don’t know what, but that is just plain disgusting!
David told our neighbor that I was expecting and the wife came over the next day with a gift. A HUGE jar of pickles and a carton of Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby. Haven’t felt like eating either of them yet, but nice to have them on hand just in case!
Sallie
LOL! My little sister was in a big tizzy over the fact that in the first trimester the doctor told her she had placenta previa (sp?) and she’d probably have to be on bed rest and have a c-section. As one that was on bed rest and had a c-section and thought it not a big deal as long as you get that cute little bundle in the arms, kiss the toes and smell the little fuzzy head in the end, I fear I wasn’t sympathetic enough!
Of course, I did some research for her and found that you cannot diagnose that in the first trimester and sure enough, she didn’t have it, no bed rest and delivered just fine.
Anyway, my point is that sometimes those that do find such things to be a grave issue don’t tend to take the more relaxed response well either. It just seems unsympathetic somehow. You can’t win.
You are very wise and I hope things are going well! I have had 4 vaginal births and I must say I appreciate epidurals. If I could do it again I would not have had Pitosin but I thought I had to. Ugh!
You may be a first time Mom but you already are years ahead of most women. God already knows and He will let you in on the way for you!
Your blog is a great read. Thanks for sharing.
I just found you today and had to write. You’ve got a good handle on some things it’s taken me over 10 years to understand. I appreciate you and will visit often.
God’s best to you!
Angela