A Quiet Simple Life | Sallie Borrink

For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:23

A Quiet Simple Life

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Sallie Borrink

Understanding & Enjoying Your Persistent Spirited Child


According to the book Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic, spirited children are those who are more. All children have these characteristics in varying degrees, but spirited children have them in a major way. This includes our Caroline.

People who know me in real life would probably describe me in terms such as reserved, thoughtful, and introverted. I am inclined toward classic clothing, Baroque music, and quietly reading a book in my orderly home where everything is in its place before bed.

People who know Caroline in real life would probably describe her as spirited, imaginative, creative, intense, and exuberant. She is inclined toward cheetah print clothes, hot pink tennis shoes, music with a strong beat, and creating imaginative scenarios for her stuffed animals and dolls including strewing craft materials everywhere throughout her room. Somehow, in some way, I produced a child who is organizationally challenged and I cannot figure it out since I come from a long line of women who organize as naturally as breathing.

So as you can imagine, having a spirited child has been a challenge for me.

Persistence In The Spirited Child

Caroline fits all of the spirited descriptions to varying degrees. Of the five she is by far persistent more than any of the others. I mean persistent like I’ve never experienced in a small child even as an infant. So I’m going to focus on that one aspect here even though there is much I could write about some of the other traits as well.

What do I mean by persistent? From the book:

Living with the “raw gem” of a persistent child is not easy. To tell these kids no, to thwart their efforts, is to risk their wrath. Even as infants they are incredibly determined and strong. They push where other kids don’t push. They demand more than other kids demand. And they never give up. It is nearly impossible to ignore them or distract them. In every situation they meet us head-on, ready to do battle.

Persistence is the temperamental trait that plays a major role in power struggles. Spirited kids need, want, and seek power. But we can learn to choose our battles wisely. We don’t have to fight every day. By recognizing our children’s drive and goal orientation, we can teach them to channel their persistence appropriately–to use it as an asset rather than a weapon. We can be a problem-solving family where persistence and commitment to one’s goals is celebrated, and the ability to work with others is a honed skill.

I am not joking when I say that Caroline was persistent in the womb. During a long stretch in the third trimester if I even attempted to lay in bed on my left side she would kick relentlessly. I never won. She would kick so long and so persistently that I would turn. I didn’t have any way of knowing if she was uncomfortable or what. But she clearly made her wishes known and did not relent in any way.

The Art Of Negotiating For Win-Win

One of the keys bits we put together was that we were going to have to think win-win and get used to negotiating with this child. I mean as a three or four year old she could have worn out and negotiated the most savvy professional under the table. So we set out to figure out how to deal with the fact that we had this little person in our family who we discerned was honestly not trying to be disrespectful or manipulative, but just had at a very early age a very clear sense of who she was and what she was about.

Thinking Theologically About Persistence

Part of the struggle for us was sorting through our own theological expectations. We were surrounded by people who believed in first time obedience, spanking, parenting with authority, etc. We quickly figured out that this approach to parenting would be disastrous to our family. But we also wanted to make choices that were in line with the Scriptures and so had to spend some time thinking and praying through these issues (which is really another post!).

Once we understood that we could effectively parent Caroline from a biblical perspective that did not require spanking and lording over her with our position of authority, we were able to begin to try to mend the relationship with her that had been somewhat challenged because of the expectations we brought to the situation.

We also recognized that God had created her this way for a purpose. We believe that we are stewards of her life until she can take control of it for herself. If God created her as this incredibly persistent person, then He must have purposes for it. Our job is to help her understand how to channel that persistence in ways that are an asset both to herself and to those around her. Knowing her persistence will serve her well as an adult gives purpose to the sometimes hard work we’ve had to do and has helped us embrace this aspect of her spiritedness.

Do we always do it perfectly? No. We still struggle with it at times. But as we’ve worked through some significant issues already with Caroline (such as Halloween), we can see that it has strengthened our relationship with her and that she trusts us to listen and be fair as much as possible.

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When People Call Your Child Your Idol


To say that the first six months of Caroline’s life were completely overwhelming for us would not be an overstatement. There were many reasons for it, but chief among them were the incredible sleep deprivation (she woke up to feed two or three times during the night no matter what we did) and her strong, demanding personality. (See some of the Dr. Sears stories on my high-need baby page if you need more info on this.)

We were completely exhausted, running on fumes.

Looking back now I think I was probably depressed.

We felt very alone for a variety of reasons.

In the midst of all this, something came up at church (where we were fairly new). It had to do with the fact that we didn’t put Caroline in the nursery during the first several months. She was bottle fed and she was born at the end of September. Our pediatrician advised us to keep her out of the nursery during the cold and flu season since she was so young and was on formula. And so we did.

We kept her in the service with us because it was best for her (but, honestly, not us). She almost never slept during the service and wanted to be held which meant we got little to nothing out of the service. But we were convinced it was the right thing to do for her well-being and we’d make the same choice again.

Anyway, a respected older woman in the church took it upon herself to inform me that people were offended that we weren’t putting Caroline in the nursery and that we were making an idol of her.

(Insert numb disbelief here)

I’m not sure why I’m telling this story tonight. I’m sure I’ve told it before on my blog. I just feel compelled to share this so apparently someone out there needs to read it.

You know, when you have a differently-wired child you just have to make choices that other people aren’t going to understand. Someone might not come right out and call your child your idol, but there are plenty of ways they will communicate something similar.

I would think I would have gotten used to it by now, but I haven’t. Something similar happened recently when I was trying to explain some of the choices we’ve made for Caroline. It’s hard to explain the simple yet complex life we live in a few sentences. And then the deafening quiet from the other person with no words of support… I don’t know. It still cuts, but what can you do?

They don’t understand.

You really can’t explain it to them.

You pray, you make the best choice, and you leave the results to the Lord.

God gave me this particular child to raise, the answer to years and years of prayer. No one knows her as well as I do whether she eight weeks, eight months, or eight years.

She’s not my idol, but she is my responsibility.

I’m thankful I can tell the difference even if others from the outside looking in can’t.

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Living Simply With A Gifted Child


When I started blogging many years ago, my focus was primarily faith and simple living. As my life changed, my blogging changed as well. I still write about simple living, but the topics related to it have slowly expanded. Rather than being about a married couple living simply, it now includes a child, homeschooling, gifted/2e, home business, and more.

Meshing my desire for a simpler life with having a differently-wired child has led to lots of reflection, adjustments and, frankly, desperate prayers over the years. With every stage of Caroline’s growth and development we’ve had to rethink some of our choices. In some cases, we’ve had to make choices that were the exact opposite of what we had previously done to simplify our lives because what worked for us as a couple did not work with the addition of a child. Here are three simple living choices we’ve made in order to accommodate life with a differently-wired child.

Adjust Our Schedule

This morning I had to go out early for blood work. It was still dark when we left home and the sun was just freshly up as we were coming home. It made me realize how much I missed being up and around early in the day. David and I were early risers when it was the two of us. We tried to get as much done as possible before noon.

Caroline, on the other hand, is a night owl. She is up until 10:00 p.m. (or later) every night. We’ve tried everything to try to reset her clock and it doesn’t work. I’m not going to lie. This is not what I would choose. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a child who goes to bed at 8:00 every night. We’ve had it happen a couple of times when she’s been sick and fallen asleep earlier and it’s just mind-boggling.

When it became obvious that Caroline was a night-owl, David and I made the choice to adjust our schedule. We now get up later and stay up later. We also tend to homeschool in the afternoon and evening. Again, it isn’t what I would choose, but this is what we need to do so we do it.

Stay Home

The first few years with Caroline we rarely went anywhere we didn’t have to because maintaining our routine was so critical to keeping life on an even keel in our home. Negotiating additional major transitions throughout the day was never worth it so we kept things pretty normal day after day, week after week, month after month. Gone were cozy nights out at the bookstore. We never went out in the evening. Gone was running errands at the drop of a hat. We didn’t go out when it would involved missing nap-times.

As Caroline got a little older, we were out and about more but we were still very much homebodies at heart. When she was a baby I was sure Caroline had to be an extrovert because she never wanted to be alone, wanted to be held and carried around all the time, etc. Now that I know her better, I can see she has a strongly introverted side. And as we’ve recently discovered in a profound way, none of us deal well with a lack of margin. All of this leads to the need to stay home, make things fairly predictable, and take care of our introverted selves because there is nothing simple about living on overload.

Adjusting Expectations

Nothing will complicate your life quicker than having expectations that are completely out of line with who your child is wired to be. Insisting that a child be something she isn’t is a recipe for disaster on several levels. We invested a lot of time studying our child and looking for the information that would help us parent her most effectively.

We discovered numerous times that we were not doing what was best with her spiritedness. Once we began to put changes into place, our lives simplified a great deal. That isn’t to say it was always easy to make those changes. It wasn’t always easy. But as we applied those changes over time, life simplified greatly. We knew how to effectively parent our individual child which brought more peace to everyone.

I think all children will benefit from living more simply. But for a gifted/2e child, it might be the difference between getting by and truly flourishing.

This post is part of my larger collection of essays on raising gifted and 2e children as a Christian parent.

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The Gift Of Asperger’s


Today’s post is by Karen Campbell of thatmom. She is also the author of The Joy of Relationship Homeschooling: when the one anothers come home.

Our son, Will, turned 26 a couple of months ago. Our fifth born, he devours history, enjoys all kinds of music, and remembers random details better than anyone I know. He likes to tinker with electronic equipment, loves Mexican food, and has a great sense of humor. He also has a brain that is wired in such a way that he can discern the subtle differences between communism and socialism, but cannot make change for a dollar!

When Will was a little boy, my husband would often say he felt like the man with the yellow hat in the Curious George books… Will was curious! He had boundless energy, asked “why” to everything, and did shenanigans that none of our other children ever even thought of doing. We had to put bolt locks at the top of all the doors to outside so he wouldn’t escape. If we weren’t watching him at the playground, he would climb to the top of the largest slide and stand up hollering, “Look, no hands.”   Once, when we thought he was playing nicely in his room, he was actually lighting a camping lantern, setting our home on fire.

karen and will

During those early years, we really didn’t have any labels for what was going on with Will. We just continued to observe him and use the teaching methods that worked best for him. When he was eventually able to read, it opened up all sorts of doors for learning and he loved to research, first pouring over our growing personal library of real books and then online. If he had a particular interest, we used that to teach him other necessary skills.

But some of his personal frustrations continued to baffle us. Solutions from others ran the gamut, from those who handed us To Train Up A Child because they thought he needed firm, corporal punishment to those who recommended medications. Once we even heard a “counselor” at a Bill Gothard conference say that visitors from foreign countries can carry demons on personal items they might bring into your home, causing me to consider whether or not visiting missionaries might have been the cause of demons possessing my sweet little boy! This tells you how desperate we felt!

It wasn’t until I watched a few episodes of Parenthood on television at the recommendation of my daughter that I began to understand Will.  On this show, one of the children, Max, has Asperger’s and I was amazed at so many similarities to Will.  In one story line, Max is distressed when he comes back to middle school at the end of the summer to discover that the candy vending machines have been removed. He sees this as a terrible personal injustice and one that came without warning. In a piece of masterful scriptwriting, his response continues for several episodes while the viewers’ irritation and frustration with Max grows. It was exactly what we saw and really continue to see with Will many times. It put me on a search for dealing specifically with children and young adults on the Asperger spectrum, which has resulted in so much more understanding and real tools for bringing peace to our home.

In looking back over our journey with a son with special needs, I have come to terms with several things.

I think one of the most important things I have learned is that it is OK to be frustrated, OK to not have all the answers, and OK to admit both! It continually brings me to the foot of the cross where I pour out those frustrations and sadness and even guilt that is always part of the equation. I am not perfect and do not always respond the way I should, but I have learned the power of asking our son for forgiveness, of showing him how much he is loved, both in word and deed, and how to make him feel safe always.

People can be really unkind.

I have struggled in bad situations more times than I would like to remember, adults typically being much worse than children. One time a mother told me how frightened other parents were of my son because he was “different” and felt he was a threat. No specifics, just a “feeling they had.”  Another time an elder had come to church without his family because they were all home sick. Will waited patiently while the man talked to everyone else who came up to speak with him, giving Will irritated looks the whole time. Will finally said, “I am so sorry your family is sick today. I will pray for them this week.”  The man looked a bit chagrined and then turned and walked away. Years later that same elder dealt harshly with a number of families in the church and I was not surprised. I have learned to measure the character of people by how they treat Will and I am never wrong. I have recognized that I am my son’s greatest advocate and that is more important than trying to fix those who are ignorant and mean.

God is sovereign in all things, including the past, present, and future of my son.

I will never know how his brain came to be the way it is! Was it before birth? Did it happen during a rough delivery? Was it the result of a bad reaction to vaccinations? I do not know, but I do know that the Lord has plans for him, and really for all of us, that are for good and not for evil. I can already see how God has used it all for His glory and anticipate the same in years to come. I have come to terms with the not knowing and have grieved over the what-if’s and the might-have-beens. Will’s special needs have changed me, have changed all of us who love him, for the good!

Homeschooling has been a Godsend for a special needs child.

I cannot even imagine what life could have been like for Will if we had placed him in our local public school system. Because we have followed his needs and learning curves, he has been able to grow and learn without being compared to other children. He has been in a safe environment where the whole family loves him and is committed to him.  As he continues to learn at home, we all are learning about life, about subjects that interest him, about Asperger’s, and about the world around us from a viewpoint not everyone shares.

One afternoon, my husband shared a story with me about a man he used to work with. When his son was born with special needs, the man and his wife were devastated and didn’t know how they could ever cope with this boy in their home. Then the man said that in his later years, facing retirement with a middle-aged son, he and his wife couldn’t imagine how they ever could have lived without him! This is exactly how we feel and thank God every single day, even on the really difficult days, for the honor of being Will’s parents!

Karen Campbell is a graduate of Judson University with a B.S. in Human Relations and Secondary Education. She and her husband, Clay, have been married for 39 years and live in Illinois where they spent 28 years homeschooling 6 children and now enjoy their 14 grandchildren! She is the author of The Joy of Relationship Homeschooling: when the one anothers come home and her articles have been published in Searching Together, Midwest Christian Outreach Journal, Breakpoint, Crosswalk, and on the Home Educating Family Blog. She is also a regular contributor to Home Educating Family Magazine. Karen is actively involved in Toastmaster’s International where she won 1st place in the District Humorous Speaking competition with the story of a homeschooling mom who mummified a chicken! She blogs and podcasts mom encouragement at www.thatmom.com.

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