A Quiet Simple Life | Sallie Borrink

For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:23

A Quiet Simple Life

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Sensitive & Intense Children

The Reality of Holiday Overwhelm for Highly Sensitive Children


I’m a highly sensitive person with a highly sensitive child. I’ve written often about this topic and even have a page on this site devoted to parenting a highly sensitive child. If you aren’t familiar with it, the idea of what it means to be highly sensitive is covered in the books The Highly Sensitive Person and The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them.

So the reality of the highly sensitive person is something I’m well aware of and deal with on a regular basis. But sometimes I forget how many adjustments we’ve made to our lives in order to live peacefully with our sensitivity. I forget what the overwhelm feels like.

Last night was the big reminder.

Positive But Overload

We attended the Christmas showcase for our homeschool co-op. For a number of reasons, this is the first time we’ve attended even though we’ve been members for five years. We’re blessed with a quality Christian co-op and the evening was very nice. We were happy to be there. We had positive interactions with numerous people. There was not one negative thing about the evening.

But it was loud. And busy. Of the 600-700 people who were there, probably two-thirds of them were children. It was sensory overload both in the sanctuary and the narthex.

We left at the intermission because all three of us were pretty maxed out by that point.

What shocked me was how I felt when I got home.

Sensory Overload Meltdown

I’m a 48 year old woman who knows this stuff inside and out. When I walked in the door to my home, I literally felt on the verge of tears and was physically and emotionally numb. I’m still exhausted today.

There is zero doubt in my mind that if I were a child, I would have had a major meltdown last night. I had to measure my words very carefully the rest of the evening because every single sound made me want to go off. Every perky sentence by my sweet daughter made me want to lose it.

It was total and complete sensory overload.

Caroline handled it much better than she would have a few years ago. She’s learned ways to cope with situations like this because we’ve talked about it a lot. But last night I let her play Animal Jam on her computer well past her regular bedtime because I knew she needed to decompress. I’ve let her do pretty much whatever she wanted to this morning. I can tell she’s still decompressing as well.

Extra Stimulation Ahead for Your Highly Sensitive Child

If you have a child who is highly sensitive, please be aware of how much extra stimulation she is getting during the holidays. There is so much that is different and it all has to be processed through her  highly sensitive system.

  • Foods
  • Lights
  • People
  • Presents
  • Activities
  • New places
  • New people
  • Sugar everywhere
  • Late nights
  • Disrupted routines

It’s a tremendous amount for the average adult to deal with. Multiply it by a thousand if you have a highly sensitive child.

Thriving In a Highly Sensitive Family

As I said above, we’ve made a lot of changes to our lives to thrive as a family.

We live a very simple and quiet life because it works for us.

Last night was a reminder of how well it works for us.

The holidays can be a wonderful time if you make them work for the unique family needs you have. If you have a highly sensitive child, please take a look at all you have planned for the coming weeks. Please be extra in tune with what your child needs. Please be extra gracious if your child acts out on the overwhelm. Make lovely memories together based on the special way God has put your family together.

This post is part of my larger collection of essays on raising gifted and 2e children as a Christian parent.

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Thinking About Gifted/2e From a Christian Perspective


The idea of giftedness provokes very strong feelings among parents. When some parents hear the words “gifted” or “twice-exceptional (2e)” used to describe their child, they feel relieved. It might be the final piece of the puzzle regarding their high-maintenance child who simply doesn’t function like other children.

When other parents hear the term gifted they cringe or become defensive. They believe all children are gifted and that it is elitist to think that your child is “better” than others.

Debates rage online between people who believe all children are gifted and those who use the term to describe a significant neurological difference.

Prior to having a gifted child I didn’t think much about it. I had a profoundly gifted child in my first classroom, but other than that my experience was limited to my own childhood and being classified as gifted and talented. But having a gifted child who we eventually realized was 2e made me dive headlong into the world of giftedness in an effort to determine how to best meet her needs.

I’ve taught many children and I believe that every child is unique and brings something special to the world. But there is no doubt in my mind that not every child is gifted in the neurological sense we’re discussing in this series.

Nor is there any doubt in my mind that being gifted or 2e presents many challenges to children and their parents. This includes areas related to the Christian faith.

So what does thinking about gifted/2e from a Christian perspective include?

Giftedness Defined

Trying to distill gifted and 2e down to one post means I have to leave a lot out. For the purpose of this series, we’ll use this definition that sums up all that giftedness encompasses.

“Giftedness is ‘asynchronous development’ in which advanced cognitive abilities and heightened intensity combine to create inner experiences and awareness that are qualitatively different from the norm. This asynchrony increases with higher intellectual capacity. The uniqueness of the gifted renders them particularly vulnerable and requires modifications in parenting, teaching and counseling in order for them to develop optimally.” (Columbus Group, 1991)

There are many children who have advanced cognitive abilities, but do not have the heightened intensity. Those are smart kids who do well academically and achieve much in a traditional school setting. Those smart kids are not dealing with the heightened intensity (emotional, sensual, psychomotor, intellectual, and/or imaginational) that complicates the learning experiences of gifted children.

Gifted children are those who are simply wired differently than other children. Not better and not worse. But differently. Intensely differently.

Gifted does not mean automatic success and an easier road in school. It often means just the opposite as many gifted children do not function well in a classroom environment and their areas of heightened intensity hinder their ability to perform in academically desirably ways. They truly require modifications in parenting and learning.

2e Or Twice Exceptional

Within the group of gifted children is a smaller group called 2e or twice-exceptional. These are gifted children who also have a learning difference. In Caroline’s case, it is dysgraphia. For other children it could be dyslexia, auditory processing, Aspergers, sensory processing, or several other issues.

2e children have their own set of strengths and challenges. Twice-Exceptional Gifted Children: Understanding, Teaching, and Counseling Gifted Students gives the following two lists.

2e Strengths

  • superior vocabulary
  • highly creative
  • resourceful
  • curious
  • imaginative
  • questioning
  • problem-solving ability
  • sophisticated sense of humor
  • wide range of interests
  • advanced ideas and opinions
  • special talent or consuming interest

2e Challenges

  • easily frustrated
  • stubborn
  • manipulative
  • opinionated
  • argumentative
  • sensitive to criticism
  • inconsistent academic performance
  • difficulty with written expression
  • lack of organizational and study skills
  • difficulty with social interactions

Reading through these lists makes it easy to see why a 2e child does not normally fit into a traditional classroom or, for the purpose of this series, a traditional church setting. A 2e child requires modifications in parenting and education.

What About Spiritual Gifts?

In the faith context, gifted is not referring to spiritual gifts. It is a different kind of gifting. The Bible tells us that every redeemed person receives at least one spiritual gift from the Holy Spirit for the building up of the body of Christ. But not every Christian is gifted in the neurological sense.

Will spiritual gifts and neurological giftedness overlap? Probably for some, but not necessarily. Only time will tell. Giftedness in a child is often evident from a very early age even though the parents might not recognize it until later. Looking back, we can clearly see Caroline’s giftedness in the first few weeks even though we didn’t realize it then. (We were too sleep deprived!) I have zero doubts about her giftedness now.

But at this point, I have no idea what her spiritual gifts might be. Time and the Holy Spirit will reveal that. Once we become more aware of her spiritual gift(s), we’ll look for ways to guide her in that area just as we do her giftedness and asynchronous development.

Thinking About Giftedness From A Christian Perspective

So how do we think about giftedness from a Christian perspective? How do we talk with our children about the fact that they were created gifted by God? I do not profess to have all the answers to this. But here is what I’m thinking.

Parents with a neuro-typical child might think that having a gifted child is a blessing that makes for an easy childhood. It is, in fact, just the opposite. I have yet to meet a parent of a gifted child who said it was even remotely easy. Determining how to effectively deal with the emotional intensity of a gifted toddler alone is enough to break the strongest parent.

So while some people might automatically classify giftedness as a blessing, often the child and parents struggle to see it that way. Does it feel like a blessing when:

  • you don’t fit in with your peers because of asynchronous development so you speak and think like a teenager, play like an eight year old and struggle to write like a five year old?
  • you struggle with intense emotions that overwhelm you?
  • you feel like you have something wrong with you because your mind works so differently than those around you?
  • you struggle with math or writing so that you can’t keep up with other children your age even though you are far beyond them in other areas?
  • it is difficult to go out in public and do the most basic things because the sounds, smells and people overwhelm you?

I don’t think we’ve ever referred to Caroline’s giftedness as a blessing. I see it more as a challenge she will have to navigate in her life with God’s help rather than a blessing.

I do tell Caroline that I believe God created her as a unique individual and that He has purposes for her creativity, imagination, sensitivity and all of the other wonderful, intense aspects of her personality. I remind her that not everyone has the abilities she has and that they can be used to bless God and other people in her life.

I am thankful that because of my own struggles related to being gifted I can empathize with some (but not all) of her struggles. More importantly, I point her to Jesus, often praying with her when she is struggling with something. I am thankful that she will ask me to pray for her when going through a tough time.

I believe in God’s sovereignty and I trust that God has a good plan for my child even when the way is not clear at all from my perspective. I can see how He has worked time and again in my own life, marriage, friendships, and professional life. Because Caroline was an answer to many years of prayer and waiting, I believe He created her at this specific time for a purpose and He cares more for her than I ever could. I don’t know what those plans are, but I will remind her (and myself) that God works all things out for good for His children.

I choose to walk in faith each day, asking God for the wisdom and discernment to parent my gifted child. Will I have the answer to her every question and heartache? Of course not. But the Lord will care for her when I cannot. He knit her together in my womb and He will order her days because of the work He accomplished on the cross on her behalf.

This post is part of my larger collection of essays on raising gifted and 2e children as a Christian parent.

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100 Reasons To Homeschool Your Gifted Daughter


Have you thought about homeschooling your gifted daughter? Here are 100 reasons I thought of to homeschool your gifted daughter.

1. Time to develop a better one-on-one relationship with your complicated, gifted daughter

2. Girls are often discouraged from displaying their intelligence in school settings

3. Being a second teacher to the other kids in the class isn’t fair to your gifted daughter

4. Asynchronous development means your daughter will often feel out of place in the classroom

5. Developing a personalized curriculum that suits her learning style

6. The opportunity to explore beginning her own business that suits her giftedness

7. Time

8. Skipping a grade in traditional school is often problematic socially

9. Your gifted daughter will learn more about managing her own life by less structured time

10. Giving your gifted daughter options she will never have in a traditional school setting

11. No one will invest in your precocious child’s interpersonal needs the way you will

12. Mean girls

13. Meeting the needs of your gifted daughter may be seen as unfair special privileges by some schools

14. Teachers are stretched too thin to truly meet your gifted daughter’s academic needs

15. Traditional classroom settings are not conducive to gifted girls who love to ask “why” questions all the time

16. The freedom to allow your gifted daughter to indulge in hours and hours of reading what interests her

17. Drill and kill

18. You get the best hours of the day with your gifted daughter instead of scraps leftover from school, transport, and homework

19. You can teach your introverted gifted daughter how to succeed in an extroverted world

20. Teachers will assume your “smart” child will do just fine and doesn’t need any special help

21. Creative play requires lots of time

22. Your emotionally intense gifted daughter can better control her environmental triggers at home

23. Spending time with your gifted daughter is fun

24. The track record of many parents of gifted daughters pulling their children out of school and succeeding with homeschooling

25. Asynchrony and how our gifted daughters are such complex creatures

26. Teachers are stretched too thin to truly meet your gifted daughter’s social needs

27. Learning together over a picnic lunch

28. Because in all likelihood your gifted daughter will love homeschooling

29. Gifted girls like to ask questions and the traditional classroom doesn’t have time for questions

30. Time to learn practical skills at home

31. Extroverted gifted girls can benefit from time to develop their strength

32. Gifted girls spend a lot of downtime in a traditional classroom, waiting for the other students to finish

33. Online classes in topics she finds fascinating that aren’t offered locally

34. No evening homework battles, tears, and lost sleep

35. Your daughter will not be “tracked” away from traditionally male studies, but can study whatever she chooses

36. The lunchroom

37. Less pressure for everything commercial

38. Delaying pressure to be boy crazy

39. You can help your gifted daughter understand and overcome her perfectionism

40. Your gifted daughter’s excitabilities will not cause social issues for her

41. You can be an example of how learning can be exciting

42. Your gifted daughter’s school may “meet her needs” by giving her more busy work rather than challenging work that pushes her to learn in individually appropriate ways

43. Starting learning at the time that works for your family

44. The freedom to make her own clothing choices without peer pressure

45. Imparting your family’s beliefs and values in a natural way throughout the day

46. The school bus

47. The ability to work at a job during the day and earn money

48. At home she has the freedom to be herself and not labeled because she is different

49. Highly sensitive gifted girls are more apt to flourish at home where their sensitive souls can be carefully nurtured

50. Your gifted daughter who is reading by age 3 or 4 will be profoundly bored in kindergarten

51. Excessive standardized testing that doesn’t recognize your gifted daughter’s unique gifts and skills

52. Craft foam, chenille stems and endless crafts all afternoon

53. Gifted girls rarely fit into a one-size-fits-all classroom

54. A twice-exceptional gifted daughter is going to find a traditional classroom very frustrating as it will be too easy and too difficult at the same time

55. You are the best advocate your gifted daughter will ever have because you love her more than anyone else

56. Cliques

57. Your gifted daughter may find a busy traditional classroom setting overwhelming and/or overstimulating

58. Flexible recess times when they are needed, for as long as they are needed

59. Avoiding the pressure toward too early sexualization of girls

60. Rather than spending every waking hour in school and on homework, your daughter can meet her academic requirements and pursue her individual passions

61. Being trapped in a building all day on a rigid schedule isn’t anyone’s idea of fun

62. Your gifted daughter’s value is far more than a test score

63. Gifted daughters can create ways to integrate topics such as Minecraft and history timelines

64. Pull-out options in a traditional school are not going to truly meet a gifted daughter’s academic needs

65. You will empower your gifted daughter to take control of her own learning and education

66. Traditional classrooms are oriented toward the middle of the learning curve and those at the top are generally neglected

67. More time for dress up, stuffed animals, and dolls

68. The power of quiet contemplation

69. Your highly distractible gifted daughter will flounder in a traditional classroom setting

70. At home your daughter doesn’t have to hide that she loves playing Minecraft

71. No pressure to perform in front of others

72. Locker rooms

73. Excessively stressful academic competition that destroys the love of learning

74. Your gifted daughter will hate and resent the meaningless homework she brings home from school

75. Gifted girls face their own mental health risks starting early in life

76. Teaching to the test in the traditional classroom will rarely (if ever) meet the academic needs of a gifted daughter

77. Cafeteria food

78. Some classroom teachers resent the presence of a gifted girl in the classroom as it creates more work and paperwork for them

79. Getting lost in a novel all day

80. You will be able to adjust the curriculum for your 2e daughter with dysgraphia to accommodate her learning difference

81. Favorite toys – all day

82. Traditional classroom teachers have no training in gifted education and do not have time to educate themselves to serve your child

83. Repeating field trips that interest your gifted daughter as often as you would like

84. Gifted daughters can pursue their academic passions when they are ready

85. Traditional education is not set up to promote individual talent

86. The best use of your gifted daughter’s life energy and skills is not to spend literally days worth of school time listening to other children read aloud from watered down and politically correct textbooks

87. No more morning rush to get your gifted daughter to school on time

88. Your introverted gifted daughter will get much needed time alone to decompress and think her own thoughts

89. Minecraft marathons

90. Adapting to the unique sleep needs gifted daughters often have

91. Time to explore crafts and hobbies that interest her

92. Being able to spend time with a wide variety of people and ages each day instead of one group of children all the same age

93. Common Core

94. The freedom to be as geeky as she wants without fearing what others will think

95. No gym class embarrassment for your gifted daughter who is not athletically inclined at all

96. No worries about sick days

97. Spontaneous trips out for ice cream sundaes

98. Because other gifted daughters love it and share their enthusiasm for it with others

99. Because you can

100. Because you want to

101. Because you know in your heart of hearts it is the best thing for your gifted daughter

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Identifying and Understanding Your Spirited Child’s Red Zone


I asked David to look through my tickler list of topic ideas and tell me what he thought I was missing. He immediately suggested writing about the red zone. This was a really important topic for us as the parents of a spirited child and I’m glad he suggested it.

The idea of the red zone comes from Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic. It is basically a term for when a child is overwhelmed by out-of-control emotions. How the child acts while in the red zone varies from child to child. It could be a tantrum, sobbing, etc. However it manifests itself, it is a time of intense, overwhelming emotions.

For spirited kids who are more, the red zone is a big deal.

The challenging part for the parent is how to respond when their child is in the red zone.

We did it all wrong for awhile. But once we figured out the appropriate strategies to utilize for our individual child, we made huge strides as a family. We learned how to avoid our child’s common red zone triggers which is half the battle. And we learned what she needed from us when it did happen.

What Happens In The Red Zone

My natural inclination when my child is upset is to hold her and talk. Talk about what is wrong, talk about how to fix it, and talk it to conclusion. I’m a talking problem-solver.

That is SO not what my child needed.

When a child is in the red zone, she can’t focus on what you are saying. Talking on and on is like pouring gasoline on wildfire. Every child is different, but some strategies that can work include redirecting and distracting. Both can be very effective depending on the age of the child, how far she is in the red zone, and the coping skills she’s learned to that point.

I personally think it is important to allow the child to get the emotions out. Shushing her or telling her to stop on command (or, God forbid, spanking her) is not going to help.

  • She has to learn how to recognize and handle the overwhelming emotions so she can eventually learn to calm herself.
  • She also needs to know that it is okay to have strong emotions. It is okay to feel deeply and intensely.
  • She has to learn that the only thing that makes it a problem is if she acts out in inappropriate ways while she is upset.

Getting Outside Of The Red Zone

The most important thing to realize is this: You cannot deal with the issues of the red zone until the child is well out of the red zone. And getting out of the red zone takes time.

Think about how long it takes an adult to calm down after something upsetting happens. Your adrenaline is rushing, your heart is pounding, and you are flooded with emotions. The same thing happens to the spirited child, but in an even bigger way. There is no way a child recovers from something like that in a few minutes.

And yet we as parents often want to deal with a situation and move on. We’re busy people with a lot on our plate. Sorry, folks.

You cannot rush your child out of the red zone. It simply doesn’t happen with a spirited child.

You can only talk about what happened and how to deal with it after she calms down. This might be HOURS later. It might be wise to even wait to the NEXT DAY if feelings are too raw. If you try to rush it, it will backfire.

Nothing is going to be accomplished by trying to talk about it too soon.

The good news is that spirited children and their parents can develop positive ways to deal with the red zone. It might not be perfect every time, but it can certainly improve. If you are raising a spirited child and aren’t sure how to deal with the red zone, I highly recommend Kurcinka’s book mentioned above. Not only will you better understand the issues of the red zone, but you will also gain a much greater understanding of and appreciation for your wonderful spirited child.

This post is part of my larger collection of essays on raising gifted and 2e children as a Christian parent.

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