So if you’ve noticed the lack of posts and responding to comments around here… the title of this post might sum it up.
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Why didn’t any of you warn me about the three and a half year old drama?
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Or remind me of the theory of six months of equilibrium at the birthday and six months of disequilibrium at the half birthday (based on this book)?
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Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy
As I have been scouring the internet trying to make sense of what has happened to our already strong-willed, sensitive, spirited child, I’ve been reassured to read in multiple places that many people consider three and a half the most difficult age.
So I felt a little better.
But dear Lord in heaven above, just get me (and David) through this!
And then there is the ongoing “I don’t want to go to church” drama. I am not sure what is going on with this. It has been going on longer than the three and a half year old drama. I think. Or maybe it is part of it, but we just didn’t realize until this week when David and I both literally hit the wall with this three and a half year old stuff. (And, no, it wasn’t the start of doing preschool. Caroline has loved that.)
She will willingly go anywhere. Except church. We cannot figure out what the problem is. It isn’t defiance. She cries and is clearly upset about the idea of going to church. We’ve tried to ask her about every different aspect we can think of and we can’t get it out of her. And maybe she can’t even express it.
She has had a few bad experiences with church-related things that have mildly-traumatized her. Well, one really traumatized her last year (related to the sound system) to the point where she was scared to go back to church for a few weeks. The others have happened over the past year. I’m not sure if some of them are lingering with her or what. We’ve prayed. We’ve talked with her about the importance of being in church. We’ve discussed visiting a different church. Nothing changes her view.
So we’re not really sure what to do. Dragging her to church, crying and upset, seems counterproductive in the extreme. And, no, I don’t think she would just get over it and go running happily into church once we go there. It goes beyond that. And that is not her personality either.
Sigh.
So we’ll keep praying and trust that God will give us some insight and/or move in her little heart and mind. In the past she was always excited about going to church so this has been hard on us in more ways than one.
Yes, the half birthday disequilibrium seems to be so true. Louise Bates Ames is an interesting woman, I’ve read some of her things and also been trained to give the Gesell Developmental Screen, which is very interesting (she developed the instrument, or at least was very involved). Anyway, I can sympathize as 3.5 was a very difficult age for my daughter. But, 4 is coming, and in the words of Ames, is “Wild and Wonderful”. (: Hang in there!
I am right there with you, sistah! Oh, the whining and the fussing and the crankiness over every. little. thing. Oh, the bursting into tears over a dropped Goldfish cracker. Thanks for the links. I’ll be telling my husband. We’re pretty stressed around here with all this, too…
Jenny – I’ve remembered the comments from long ago that many people felt age 4 was when things became really enjoyable with their children. I remind myself of that. Often. It isn’t that we aren’t enjoying Caroline. We are. I’d just like more enjoyment and significantly less drama. 😉
Ellen – I laughed out loud at your comment about the goldfish. I know it isn’t funny when you are living it, but I can so relate. Some of the things that have resulted in huge drama are just… Words fail me. I remind myself of how hard it was to be a child and try to do a lot of empathizing with her. It does help to try to put myself in her shoes. We had a pretty good day today and I’m very, very thankful.
Sallie,
Our children have all gone through seasons of not wanting to go to church, and here’s something that helped us. I co-taught Sunday school when one of my shy daughters was 3, and she enjoyed this because I got to stay in the class with her. This also gave me a chance to socialize with another mom who had a child the same age as mine. It helped her see that church is a fun thing that Mama enjoys. 😉
Right now, our 5-year-old daughter doesn’t particularly enjoy sitting still during “big church,” but we let her bring her favorite coloring books and crayons, and this keeps her busy. She also gets excited about carrying a little pocketbook like her Mama and sisters — and pulling out small treasures to slowly admire during the sermon.
I hope these ideas help! These seasons will pass!
While I don’t have a 3.5 yr. old, I can say that I had a bad time of going to church when I was little. Looking back, I may have been her age, or a bit older. It had to do with the incense (Catholic Church) and the words “blood and body”. I just kept hearing the ‘blood’ word and got scared. The incense smell scared me, and does to this day….not sure why. I’m not saying that this is Caroline’s issue. What I am saying is that when a small child has a BIG issue of not going to church it’s wise to listen to them and work through the problem when they finally are able to articulate it. I don’t mean to say that every time a child doesn’t want to go to church that you don’t go. In Caroline’s instance I would be willing to bet that there’s ‘something’ that has really bothered her at church.
Is this about worship service? Or Sunday School? I am just thinking that sometimes one could be exchanged for another for a time, even if your final goal is to just do SS or just do worship service or whatever, to see if that helps.
Is the service loud? I know that you have mentioned the hypersensitive hearing of her infancy. My now-five-year-old who was like that is still disturbed by loud noises and has a hard time when the worship music is too loud.
I thought the incense comment above was also interesting. Smells and sounds so impact children…Hmmm…
Does she go to the service with you or to a Sunday school class? I’m sorry if you said and I missed it.
My youngest son is 3 1/2 right now and last week was very stressful. My husband was out of town, too, and by Thursday he had me so worn out that I was physically ill. He complains about almost everything, he’s suddenly pushing other kids, and the other day at the park (my breaking point) he pooped his pants because he didn’t feel like stopping to use the restroom. I don’t carry extra clothes with us, either, so you can imagine how delightful that experience was for all parties involved.
It is true, 4 is a magical time of calm and cooperation. That will be a nice Christmas present.
ohhh- I don’t remember 3 1/2 being a problem with my eldest but 2 1/2 is with my middle boy. ARRGGGH!- so i really hope he doesn’t get worse by 3 1/2! will be praying about the church issue.
I have thought that between 3 and 4 was definitely more challenging than the “terrible twos”. We’re right there with you Sally. My son is just a few weeks older, and terribly dramatic….
Alva Lee Harley says:
April 26, 2010 at 2:20 pm
My son is now 37 and yet I remember his 3.5 year as if it were yesterday! We had taken him to church since he was born. But suddenly he didn’t want to go. He would sit down in the parking lot and take his shoes and socks off because his socks were “on the wrong feet.” (He’s still sensitive to touch.) We would be carrying him, kicking and screaming into the building. However, when he got to the room, he would walk quietly in. Then at the end of the session, when he got in the hall, he would kick me in the leg and say, “I’m never going back!!!”
We talked. We prayed. We talked to the teachers who were surprised because he didn’t act out in class. I truly don’t remember how or why he changed, but he just did!
Year 4 stands out. I’ve kept a journal and truthfully I have sweet story after story during that 4th year.
I’ll pray for you and your sweet child as you seek the right answer. Sometimes the answer is just “wait.” But keep looking for answers to satisfy yourself that there is no other problem than age.
Hugs, Alva Lee
I’ve always said a three year old is a two year old with a year of experience! 🙂
Sorry that things are so hard for you right now, Sallie. Our little girl is going to be four in a month and I literally cannot wait! 3 was rough… and has been for everyone that I know with a three year old!
I have no advice for you with regard to church. My first instinct is to visit other churches and make Sunday a super fun day with a nice breakfast and special trip after church. I don’t know what I would do in your shoes though… my hubby is the priest in our church and we are there several times a week and cannot switch churches if there is a problem (no matter how much I wish we could sometimes!) 😆
Sorry I didn’t comment yesterday in reply. It was David’s birthday so we were busy with fun things. 😀
It is nice to hear other parents are in the midst of the three year old drama. I always hesitate to post “negative” things about parenting, but we read to know we are not alone and sometimes we post to know we are not alone too. 😀
I’m not sure if it is just being at church, the service or Sunday School. She is too old for the nursery and our church is small enough that the children’s church includes all children from three years old through some point of middle school I think. She likes other children, but a large loud, busy group of them is not her thing. (Can’t imagine where she got that trait…)
I won’t share all the details, but she doesn’t want to go to children’s church and hasn’t since she ended up in the room with all the kids singing loudly. She liked it the first week when it was just a few three year olds with a teacher. She loved it and couldn’t wait to go back. But when they took the three year olds in with the older children for the siniging, she was turned off. I didn’t know they were going to do that or I would have intervened or at least been there the first time. Sigh.
Sometimes I think I just need to force her to do things to toughen her up. But deep down I know that isn’t what is best for her. I’ve been thinking about this a great deal lately, but it will be some thoughts for a different post.
So we’ll keep muddling along.
I should have also said that she remembers EV.ER.Y.THING. So if something happens (good or bad) she remembers it forever. I am amazed at some of the things she will bring up months and months later. So I suspect every bad thing that has happened at church is right there in her mind.
That makes sense then. Ya know my 5 year old is very sensitive to loud and/or busy situations. Annoyingly so. We often wonder when he’ll be able to go to a movie theater or other places with loud sounds. In the past we’ve tried taking him to these places anyway, like the movies or a musical, for example, but they always backfire on us. He just can’t handle them yet. I even took him to the doctors last year to see if there was something wrong with his hearing and the nurse said, “You brought him in because he hears too well?” haha I guess it was silly to worry about, but I didn’t know of any other child with that particular issue. In the last 6 months or so he’s made some progress, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel for you, though. It’s very difficult to navigate their sensitivities.
It sounds like something caused her grief, she is sensitive and bright, she remembers, and she is not over it yet. Fair enough! I think that we do that too, as adults! If you go to, let’s say, a restaurant you don’t like (it’s too noisy, messy, etc), you make a decision, I’m never going back THERE! And that’s ok, because we’re adults. If it’s something we do have to go back to, like a job!, then we have to find a way to work through it, but we’re adults, so we have infinitely more tools in our coping toolbox than three-year-olds.
Considering her age, I would take a LONG break from church for her. If it was an older child and she had made a commitment to something and now wanted to quit it, I would try to dig more and find out why, and see if her fears were warranted and how that balanced out against her responsibility to the commitment.
But sometimes with little ones I think it’s best to let the phase pass since it’s not desperately important that she fulfill any church commitments at this age!
GIve Caroline a big hug for me….cuz I’m right there with her right now! Sometimes church isn’t a safe place to be and it’s disorienting and frustrating to feel that way.
Jen – It is VERY hard to navigate sensitivities. If a child has food sensitivities, I think people are more understanding because it is obvious the food makes the child sick. But sensitivities such as hearing or not liking crowds are just a different beast. I’m sure there are people who think we are overprotective of Caroline and don’t get her out and about enough. It’s just not true. They have no idea what it is like to deal with the aftermath of a situation that goes badly. We do get her out a great deal. We just have to be very selective about where, when and how we do it.
Ann – What you wrote makes a lot of sense re: how adults cope versus children who don’t have those abilities yet. I know how hard it is for me to cope with crowds and noise and I’ve had over forty years to learn how to handle it! So it does help because I have some idea of what she is dealing with.
Re: taking a break from church. We’ve already been doing that since mid-January. We’ve been gone enough that someone finally noticed and we’re getting a visit from two elders next week. But it is hard to continue to miss. David and I need to be fed and worship. We’re not going to get in the habit of one of us going and one staying home with Caroline (even though she suggested it). Sigh. I don’t know what the answer is. We’ll just keep taking it week by week and pray that God will move.
Thanks, Carol! 😀
When I was small, I did not like Sunday School or Children’s Church. We went to a Baptist church and they usually taught the children that they need to get saved now or they would burn in hell. I knew the Lord and loved Him, but was a very fearful child and hated hearing about people burning in hell. My parents intervened and allowed me to “help” them in their Sunday School class that was for toddlers. Looking back I am so grateful for the grace and understanding they showed me. I still have issues with Children’s ministries and that is one of the reasons our children just go with us to the adult services. Yes, we stick out like sore thumbs and No, I don’t necessarily subscribe to the family integrated church idea, but our children are much happier and content with us.
I can so sympathize with you on these issues. I was unprepared for the 3.5 year old drama. Unfortunately it has been going on for almost a year so I guess it started out as 2.5 year old drama. Some days I think that I will loose my mind with the tears and whining and fussing. I have tried various diff. strategies but still waiting for it to pass.
My 5yo is the sensitive one. His first year was AWFUL. Going to church or anywhere else with large groups of people was impossible. At 5 he is much better but still we need to be careful. He is easily overwhelmed but it doesn’t come out in tears now but is bouncing OFF the walls. Hard to bring him down.
It is difficult when a child is different from the average. Often the comments and criticism by sometimes well-meaning people about my child were difficult to take as well.
Oh, so much more I would like to write but am feeling tired. I feel for you. These sensitive children are so precious and special but emotionally and physically tiring. Sometimes it is exciting as well to imagine what God could have planned for them.
Peace and strength,
Debbie