A few weeks ago Karen linked to information about the implosion within Sovereign Grace Ministries (SGM). On the forefront of the situation is C.J. Mahaney, the well-known leader of the group of churches. As I commented on Karen’s blog at the time, I was both surprised and not surprised. My lack of surprise was not due to knowing or suspecting bad things about Mahaney. I really knew very little about him. I knew enough about SGM’s core beliefs to know that David and I would not fit in and they were therefore not much on my radar.
My lack of surprise had more to do with the fact that it is almost sadly predictable that those in positions of leadership within churches and the Church so often are revealed to be less than what people thought. We’ve grown so accustomed to failings among Christian leaders that it barely causes one to stop for more than a minute and reflect on it before thinking about what to make for dinner.
Now before anyone accuses me of being callous and uncaring in the extreme, I’m not. In fact, last night a part of my life came full circle because of this C.J. Mahaney thing.
I was reading on SGMSurvivors the various stories of those who have been greatly damaged by their time in SGM churches. And while reading the stories, I put something together I had not before.
When David and I met, he was attending a church that was both reformed and charismatic in its teachings. Being a Baptist with reformed leanings, I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around it, but that’s what it was. David had been there quite a few years and was mostly happy there. When I moved to Grand Rapids while we were dating, I agreed to visit his church although I had reservations about it. (We were not officially engaged, but were in agreement we would be shortly.)
I visited the first Sunday after I moved (fifteen years ago this week) and was very uncomfortable. It wasn’t just the worship style that made me uncomfortable. There was something palpable in that church that made my spirit simply recoil. When David introduced me to the pastor, my spirit immediately withdrew. I rarely take an instant dislike to anyone, but every fiber of my being backed off when I met him.
I don’t remember anything of the following week, but I agreed to visit David’s church again the next Sunday. I did not even make it through the service. My spirit was so disturbed by things going on and the way the pastor addressed the congregation (forcefully scolding them for an extended period of time because they were not worshipping “correctly”) that I had to get out of there. I felt an overwhelming sense that I had to flee and I could not even wait for the service to end before I left. I whispered something to David about having to leave and seeing him back at my apartment after the service. And I got up and walked out.
That was a very long drive across town to get home. But while sitting in that service I knew that even if it meant losing David there was no way I would EV.ER. darken the door of that church again.
When I told David that I could not attend his church again, he agreed to visit other churches with me so we could chose one together. We decided to visit a Baptist church a friend had recommended. David, being the loyal and honest man that he is, called his pastor and told him that I was uncomfortable at his church and that we were going to visit some other churches together.
And then the abuse began. And it completely blindsided both David and me.
The guilt, manipulation and control tactics were unleashed on David in a way that we were totally unprepared for. He received threatening calls at work. He was told that if he married me he would be unequally yoked. He was told he was stupid to throw away everything he had at his church to take up with some Baptist woman he had just met on the internet. He was told he needed to wash me in the Word and assert his leadership and demand that I return to his church. They asked him how he could possibly leave a church where he had learned the Truth and turn his back on that and go to a Baptist church. He was told he would have psychological problems if he left and that he would face certain personal failure in leaving. The ultimate was when he was told he was barred from the communion table because he was in rebellion.
When David did not succumb to the pressure that went on for a few weeks, he was ostracized and his character and faith were defamed at the church. People were told he had fallen away. He had left the true church and taken up with a woman that would bring about his destruction. They were told to have nothing to do with him because he had “problems.”
I cannot even begin to express how this experience overwhelmed our lives for months and, really, years. Our time of engagement was overshadowed by an intense numbness over what had happened. David lost almost his entire church family that he had known for ten years. Only a few people dared speak to him and only a few were at our wedding. It was heartbreaking to see how he was treated over simply choosing to go to another church and having the ability to walk away from something.
So what does this have to do with Sovereign Grace Ministries?
While reading those stories of abuse and suffering last night, it was like reading our own story. Change a few details and it sounded exactly like what happened to us. And then I realized why.
David’s church was “descended” from the same group as SGM. They all go back to the same group of people. Different branches, but the same kinds of authoritarian leadership, manipulation and thinking that they are the church with all the answers.
When I realized this, it all made sense to me. The same beliefs and practices are driving those churches that drove the church that spiritually abused us.
David and I were discussing this tonight and I shared with him how my heart grieves for those people in SGM. I know what spiritual abuse does to you. I know how it completely disrupts every aspect of your life for months and years. There is no way around it. You have to walk through the process and come out on the other side.
Fifteen years later I can read those stories and have no personal emotional response other than to grieve for those people who have been abused. This was not always the case. For years afterwards we lived in fear of running into someone from David’s former church. Any time the topic came up, my stress level would skyrocket. Praise God that we have moved past that. We see the abuse for what it was. And we thank God it was only as bad as it was. It could have been much worse.
But I understand why people post their stories anonymously over there. The fear of retaliation is real. It has taken me fifteen years to publicly write our story and even then I have left out many details. But I no longer fear those people. I grieve that we allowed them to impact us as much as they did. While we were happy to be engaged and enjoyed our wedding, it was not what it could have been. Emotional numbness from spiritual abuse doesn’t just go away because you are getting married. I believe God is sovereign and for whatever reason He allowed things to happen the way they did. But to this day it grieves me that those people robbed us of a full measure of joy during our engagement.
David and I were also discussing how neither of us have ever returned to the same place spiritually we were before the abuse happened. I fully realize that we can’t go back. But at the same time, the spiritual abuse took something away from both of us that we can’t ever get back and we both grieve that. At the same time, it also gave us things we would not have had before. We look at the suffering of others very differently because of what we went through. We look at theology differently. We look at church leadership differently. So many things that are good and healthy. But don’t ever doubt the impact that spiritual abuse has on those around you. It changes your life. Permanently.
Sallie, your story resonates so much with me this morning. Thank you for putting it out here publicly.
I have not attended church in over a year now, even though I’m still a member at the church I’ve attended since birth.
And since we shall soon be looking for a new place of worship and live in the GR area, could you identify this church? We would not want to darken the door.
The story that has grabbed my attention is the one about the former ABWE medical doctor who has confessed to sexually abusing minors yet is STILL practicing medicine in the area. To say that my heart is overwhelmed with sadness doesn’t even begin to touch on how those involved in this story must feel.
I am so very sorry that you had to experience what happened to you and David, and I thank you for sharing it here.
Sallie, your story resonates so much with me this morning. Thank you for putting it out here publicly.
I have not attended church in over a year now, even though I’m still a member at the church I’ve attended since birth.
And since we shall soon be looking for a new place of worship and live in the GR area, could you identify this church? We would not want to darken the door.
The story that has grabbed my attention is the one about the former ABWE medical doctor who has confessed to sexually abusing minors yet is STILL practicing medicine in the area. To say that my heart is overwhelmed with sadness doesn’t even begin to touch on how those involved in this story must feel.
I am so very sorry that you had to experience what happened to you and David, and I thank you for sharing it here.
Hey, Sallie. I don’t know if you know this, but we were members of Sovereign Grace Fairfax for a year when we lived in the D.C. area. My brother is currently a member of a Sov. Grace church in Florida, and he was part of one when they lived in MN as well. There were a lot of great things about the church in Fairfax, and I see a lot of positives in the churches that my brother has been a member of as well. They are the things listed on the blog of the link you gave. But I have to say that I definitely agree with the “red flags” that Virginia listed as well. No one bothered us about leaving the church, and I think that if we’d wanted to find another church without moving away, none of the pastors at Sov Grace Fairfax would’ve done anything other than wish us well. We still keep in touch with friends from our care group there. There is a leadership problem here that I wish would be carefully addressed with real humility (not humble sounding words), but there are also great positives about these local churches that make them very attractive to Christian families, and for good reason.
Hey, Sallie. I don’t know if you know this, but we were members of Sovereign Grace Fairfax for a year when we lived in the D.C. area. My brother is currently a member of a Sov. Grace church in Florida, and he was part of one when they lived in MN as well. There were a lot of great things about the church in Fairfax, and I see a lot of positives in the churches that my brother has been a member of as well. They are the things listed on the blog of the link you gave. But I have to say that I definitely agree with the “red flags” that Virginia listed as well. No one bothered us about leaving the church, and I think that if we’d wanted to find another church without moving away, none of the pastors at Sov Grace Fairfax would’ve done anything other than wish us well. We still keep in touch with friends from our care group there. There is a leadership problem here that I wish would be carefully addressed with real humility (not humble sounding words), but there are also great positives about these local churches that make them very attractive to Christian families, and for good reason.
Thank you for sharing. I spent seventeen years as part of a spiritually abusive Christian organization/ministry. My family was also part of a church that was very strong in the patriarchal movement. Although we have gotten out, I still find myself having to work through the extra baggage from time to time.
Thank you for sharing. I spent seventeen years as part of a spiritually abusive Christian organization/ministry. My family was also part of a church that was very strong in the patriarchal movement. Although we have gotten out, I still find myself having to work through the extra baggage from time to time.
Judy – The church is south of GR. If you are looking in that area, send me a private message and I will give you the name. Otherwise I prefer not to identify the church by name here. I had not heard about the ABWE thing. That is distressing.
Ellen – Are you aware of what has been going on at SGM Fairfax?
Jennifer – You are very welcome.
Judy – The church is south of GR. If you are looking in that area, send me a private message and I will give you the name. Otherwise I prefer not to identify the church by name here. I had not heard about the ABWE thing. That is distressing.
Ellen – Are you aware of what has been going on at SGM Fairfax?
Jennifer – You are very welcome.
Nope, Sally, I don’t know what’s going on at Sov Grace Fairfax. If you’ve got any info, please pass it on.
Nope, Sally, I don’t know what’s going on at Sov Grace Fairfax. If you’ve got any info, please pass it on.
We have been in a few churches where I’ve come away wondering at the pastor’s sanity (or at least why he should have been a pastor). Since we followed my husband’s career by moving a few times, we tried various churches before finding a good one with most moves. Real eye openers!
Also, some of the meanest people I have ever met in my life have been within the walls of a church. I remember telling both my kids at various times that the reason I know Jesus is real is because the church has lasted 2,000 years with Christians in charge.
On the other hand, we have met wonderful and dear people through the years. But there are enough spiritual black and blue marks that cause me to be very careful.
Phillip Yancy has a very good book about growing up in a spiritually abusive church called Soul Survivor. It is about people he met through the years that helped him regain his faith. I thought it wonderful but some would consider it heresy due to him finding help in some “less than orthodox” people. One never knows whom God will use to lead you to truth and Yancy had his Christian roots deep enough to know the essentials of the faith.
We have been in a few churches where I’ve come away wondering at the pastor’s sanity (or at least why he should have been a pastor). Since we followed my husband’s career by moving a few times, we tried various churches before finding a good one with most moves. Real eye openers!
Also, some of the meanest people I have ever met in my life have been within the walls of a church. I remember telling both my kids at various times that the reason I know Jesus is real is because the church has lasted 2,000 years with Christians in charge.
On the other hand, we have met wonderful and dear people through the years. But there are enough spiritual black and blue marks that cause me to be very careful.
Phillip Yancy has a very good book about growing up in a spiritually abusive church called Soul Survivor. It is about people he met through the years that helped him regain his faith. I thought it wonderful but some would consider it heresy due to him finding help in some “less than orthodox” people. One never knows whom God will use to lead you to truth and Yancy had his Christian roots deep enough to know the essentials of the faith.
Ellen – Just Bing “SGM Fairfax abuse” and you will find enough to keep you reading for hours. Or go to the SGMSurvivors I linked above and search “Fairfax” to see what is there. Very, very sad. 😯
Ellen – Just Bing “SGM Fairfax abuse” and you will find enough to keep you reading for hours. Or go to the SGMSurvivors I linked above and search “Fairfax” to see what is there. Very, very sad. 😯
A reader wrote to me last evening and mentioned a book her husband found helpful regarding spiritual abuse. I’ve written a new post about it: The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.
A reader wrote to me last evening and mentioned a book her husband found helpful regarding spiritual abuse. I’ve written a new post about it: The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.
Dear Sallie, I just wanted to tell you that I am so, so sorry that you had to go through something so awful. I am continually realizing how blessed I am. Sometimes my husband and I are tempted to switch churches because we are more Reformed in doctrine than our church, and so we often feel like theological oddballs. But at the end of the day, it acts more like a family than anything else, and we love the people and the people are very lovING. This is the church I grew up in (we were also blessed with good churches during our handfull of years living in LA) and so I think I fail to realize what other people out there experience. Thank you for sharing your story.
I know that we have some dear friends who enjoy visiting a Sovereign Grace church in the LA-area from time to time, and they haven’t experienced anything like this, but I’m sure each church is a little different. To be honest, having grown up in a nondenominational church, I really don’t get the whole denominational thing and how it works out in practice…but that’s a tangent!
Lord bless you, sister!
Dear Sallie, I just wanted to tell you that I am so, so sorry that you had to go through something so awful. I am continually realizing how blessed I am. Sometimes my husband and I are tempted to switch churches because we are more Reformed in doctrine than our church, and so we often feel like theological oddballs. But at the end of the day, it acts more like a family than anything else, and we love the people and the people are very lovING. This is the church I grew up in (we were also blessed with good churches during our handfull of years living in LA) and so I think I fail to realize what other people out there experience. Thank you for sharing your story.
I know that we have some dear friends who enjoy visiting a Sovereign Grace church in the LA-area from time to time, and they haven’t experienced anything like this, but I’m sure each church is a little different. To be honest, having grown up in a nondenominational church, I really don’t get the whole denominational thing and how it works out in practice…but that’s a tangent!
Lord bless you, sister!
Brandy – Thanks for your comment. If you are in a church that is healthy and where you are loved, STAY PUT. I was just replying to someone else’s email and mentioned how many people we know who are in church flux or aren’t going to church because of church drama. There aren’t even that many healthy churches out there any longer. And I don’t mean perfect. I just mean healthy. Definitely count your blessings!
That said, God gives us opportunities to suffer and go through experiences so we can comfort others with the same comfort we’ve been given. Karen has a post up today that links to the stages a person goes through when they have been spiritually abused. I left a comment over there saying that I do feel like a soldier (one of the stages). I feel compelled to discuss these things so other people can be helped and encouraged. It is a matter of stewardship for me. If all I did was blow sunshine around here all the time, I don’t feel like I would be a good steward of this place or the life God has given me. God calls some people to blow sunshine online. I’m not one of them. 😀
Brandy – Thanks for your comment. If you are in a church that is healthy and where you are loved, STAY PUT. I was just replying to someone else’s email and mentioned how many people we know who are in church flux or aren’t going to church because of church drama. There aren’t even that many healthy churches out there any longer. And I don’t mean perfect. I just mean healthy. Definitely count your blessings!
That said, God gives us opportunities to suffer and go through experiences so we can comfort others with the same comfort we’ve been given. Karen has a post up today that links to the stages a person goes through when they have been spiritually abused. I left a comment over there saying that I do feel like a soldier (one of the stages). I feel compelled to discuss these things so other people can be helped and encouraged. It is a matter of stewardship for me. If all I did was blow sunshine around here all the time, I don’t feel like I would be a good steward of this place or the life God has given me. God calls some people to blow sunshine online. I’m not one of them. 😀
Sallie, I wrote the SGM article you read. I am glad it helped you piece together part of your own story. I had no idea when I wrote it that several thousand people around the world would read it. Like you, I feel a strong sense of stewardship over my experiences. If God can use them to help someone else it makes the bittersweet more sweet.
Sallie, I wrote the SGM article you read. I am glad it helped you piece together part of your own story. I had no idea when I wrote it that several thousand people around the world would read it. Like you, I feel a strong sense of stewardship over my experiences. If God can use them to help someone else it makes the bittersweet more sweet.
Virginia – Thank you for stopping by. I agree that every time I help someone else who is in an abusive situation it makes my own experience seem less hurtful and more purposeful. God does redeem the years the locusts have eaten!
Virginia – Thank you for stopping by. I agree that every time I help someone else who is in an abusive situation it makes my own experience seem less hurtful and more purposeful. God does redeem the years the locusts have eaten!
A quote from the book “Pain and Pretending” is the best summary I’ve yet found for my internal war over abusive Church:
“I don’t think the deepest hunger of the human heart is to have love for one’s self. Rather, it is to be loved. My goal is not to sit in a room or on a hillside and tell myself how much I love myself. My goal is to mean something to the people who mean the most to me.
My hunger is to have somebody big and powerful and important in my life say, ‘I love you,’ and then I will have the confidence that I am loved. When that big and important and powerful person hurts me and humiliates me and beats me down, it creates the deepest and the most excruciating pain I can ever experience.”
I was not spiritually abused. I have seen so many stories of people who were, I am confident of that. But I was emotionally abused. So subtly I didn’t see it for a very long time, and longer than that didn’t have language for it, so I doubted its existence. I still have little language for it, certainly no enough for the people I hurt by naming it and leaving.
There has been no reprisal, but continued shock waves as I am now without a body to worship with. It is an interesting experience to remind myself that, yes, this freedom is worth this loneliness.