Honestly, that’s the way I’m feeling right now. I feel like a lousy wife, homemaker, friend, church member, Christian, blogger… You name it and I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job. Well, I feel like I’m doing ok as Caroline’s mama, but everything else stinks.
I guess I just didn’t want to come on here and prattle on about things that really don’t matter or pretend like I’m happy as a lark when I’m not. I’m not unhappy. I don’t know what I am. I guess I am just a new mom in the midst of a baby with a growth spurt who isn’t getting enough time to herself and feels like she is doing a lousy job with everything.
These forty-five minute naps a few times a day are just killing me. It takes me fifteen minutes to decompress after I put her down for a nap and she goes to sleep. By the time I get started with anything else, she’s awake again. I love her dearly, but the lack of time to do anything that takes any extended amount of time and/or concentration is becoming a real challenge to me. It is getting to the point where I’m seriously thinking about going to bed at 8:00 p.m. and getting up alone at 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. so I can get some time to myself.
I’m also really frustrated with just the lack of a general routine or schedule. At 10:00 a.m. I couldn’t even begin to guess what time we will eat dinner that evening. Caroline does not nap or eat at consistent times or consistent intervals. (And not just during the growth spurt.) So to make any kind of meal that takes any amount of preparation or timing is just about impossible.
Well, that’s where I am. I’ve got lots of things I’d love to blog about, but my blogging time has been almost non-existent lately. We’ve been on the go so much that it’s actually getting a little depressing – dentist, eye doctor, grocery shopping, errands, blah, blah, blah. It adds to the whole lack of a routine thing and just makes it all that much more complicated.
So, that’s what’s going on. I’m just not going to be feeling like I am and come on here and pretend that life is blissful. Yes, I am blessed beyond words and, yes, this too shall pass. But right now I’m just in the midst of it, I can’t figure out how to make it better, and I’m finding it all more than a little discouraging.
40 Things I’ve Learned By Age 40 | #8-15
I’m praying for you, Sallie!
Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is in your midst,
A warrior who saves.
He will exult over you with joy,
He will be quiet in His love,
He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.
II Corinthians 12:9
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.”
Psalm 18:35
Thou hast also given me the shield of Thy salvation,
And Thy right hand upholds me;
And Thy gentleness makes me great.
Psalm 68:19
Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden,
The God who is our salvation.
Psalm 55:22
Cast your burden upon the Lord, and He will sustain you;
He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
It IS hard, isn’t it?
My guess is that your hormones are kicking in again. Give it a week, and then see how you feel. Of course, all of the same stuff will be happening, but you just may find yourself better able to cope.
Go easy on your self. You are good at MANY things.
The first year is the hardest. Comfort yourself with that thought.
Grr, I just posted and the computer ate it. Don’t you despise that!
Anyway, I haven’t commented much on your blog Sallie, but your post today really made me feel for you.
I have 2 children – the youngest put herself in a pretty good routine quite quickly. Not sure if it was just “her” or a bit of the second child thing too -she was often out in the mornings from a young age and the afternoons were a definite home time, sleep time.
Aidan, on the other hand took a lot longer. He was born 5 weeks premature which I’m sure made a little difference. Until he was 6 months old, his day sleeps were quite unpredictable – sometimes he would have a good one, often though it was 40 minutes. We did a lot of walking the afternoon 🙂 – before having children I thought it was lovely seeing Mum’s out walking their babes, but now I know that Mum may not always be doing it just for fun!
Anyway, at 6 months old he just suddenly started having 2 good sleeps a day – particularly the afternoon sleep. He was a lot more predictable and it made life a lot easier. Obviously we still had the odd day that things were different 🙂
Hopefully Caroline will surprise you and suddenly flick into a more settled routine and sleep for longer periods. I’m hoping so!
All the best and you are doing a great job, I’m sure!
Cheers, Wilm
Thank you for being honest, Sallie. I will be praying for you. I have had many days where I felt like a failure, for various reasons. To some extent, I think that’s part of motherhood–feeling like nothing is good enough. It’s a double-edged sword, because it can be discouraging on one hand, but also encourage us to figure out how to do it all better.
I have had friends who could fly by the seat of their pants, so to speak, when it came to babies. Baby ate when Baby wanted to eat and slept when she wanted to sleep and it didn’t phase these moms at all. I am TOTALLY not like that. Our life is not rigid, but it does have a comfy rythym because that is how we are. We found the book Babywise to be very helpful. I know there are a lot of mixed reviews out there, but it really might help you try to get a schedule down if that is what you desire for your family personality. Just a suggestion…
Sallie,
My children are now 7 and 5, but I clearly remember feeling exactly they way you felt today nearly every day of my oldest’s first year. I remember feeling as if I was the only one who ever felt that way, and feeling horribly guilty for it. Now I know that first, I wasn’t the only one feeling that way. It was just that no one else was talking about it. I applaud you for having the courage to speak up and express your true feelings and emotions. Second, what you are feeling is perfectly normal. The first year truly is the hardest, and personally I feel like it is harder for us “mature” mothers. I know you are doing 40 Things…well, I’m also 40 this year with just a few more (not too many more!) years of parenting behind me and one of the things I’ve learned is “this too shall pass.” Hard to believe when you are right in the middle of it, I know. Wish, I could find a momma with just a few more years to remind me of my words as I deal with a name-calling 5 year-old :))
Hugs to you. And even though I don’t know, I can tell from the way you talk about your family you are a wonderful person.
Hi Sallie!
I totally feel for you! Being everything to a baby is really tough! I’m not sure that it’s an option for you, but it helped me to sling my daughter during the times when I needed both hands. Also, I found that cooking double amounts of food and freezing half made things easier on days where I couldn’t get my act together or had too much to do.
Hope that helps! We’ll be praying for you!
Emma
I suppose you know by now that you are not alone. Your inability to “think in complete sentences” (as I term it) is something most of us have certainly gone through. It is just not fun.
None of my five children slept through the night until they were a year old. Four of them took sparse naps. The stress level for me was very high.
If you can get some guaranteed time for yourself – Saturday afternoons from Grandma, a mother’s helper on Tuesday morning, Dad takes over and you go out one evening, whatever – it may help your sanity.
I’d assign older kids to watch the younger for 1/2 hour at a time, and it really helped my attitude. So the younger kids were slightly easier due to this.
Yeah…I feel that way now. For me, it is weather related (STOP SNOWING already!!!), and hormone related as well. That, and working full time. Currently, I feel awful at everything I attempt, including my job. This too, shall pass!
Growth spurts and teething are hard. So, you have that to look forward to, too! However, there are good parts in between.
We’re P’s, so we never know what time we’re going to eat and don’t mind. We generally eat in a 2 – 3 hour window, but sometimes a bit earlier than later.
Crockpot meals are ready anytime in a window, stews and roasts especially just get better the longer they cook. Also, cassoroles can be made in the morning and put in the oven when it looks like it’s dinner time soon. With a crockpot, you can dump just about anything in there and it will end up tasting good.
Spaghetti also cooks up quick and is healthy and nutritious, especially if you use whole wheat noodles and throw some frozen veggies in with the sauce.
It is nicer for everyone when you can get out for a walk or, when they’re a bit older, a walk and the park.
Sallie,
Thank you for your openness and honesty. I blogged about feeling discouraged one day too, because that is how I felt and I wanted to be honest. I struggle with feeling just like you said…my heart goes out to you. I am praying for you and will continue to. I pray that God will help you take every thought captive and that you will be reminded of who you are in HIM. I’m also praying that He will give you good days, wisdom, discretion, etc.
God is faithful.
🙂 she’s so small and you’re so tired. Been there:)
Hang in there.
Here is my tip–I am currently in a situation that often overwhelms me.
What I have to do is stop. I have to pray and ask God what to do. For everything. The little and big.
I let some things go. I take deep breaths and pray for strength to do this minute, this hour, this chore.
🙂 God will help you.
I’ve still got 7 weeks to go before baby is here…and I already feel like a bad wife and mother! Must be normal…but it doesn’t make you feel any better. Right now cooking many of my husbands favorite meals (most with ground beef…which is bad at this time) makes me sick to my stomach, and I have to take a 3 hour nap after running one errand. Don’t feel bad Sallie…we are all in this race together. I don’t know how you feel about this, but have you considered something like Mother’s Day Out? Many churches offer this…one or two mornings a week they watch the baby for you for just a few hours. I used to work at one when I was young, and just loved loving on those babies!
i know exactly how you feel. nap time was always very important to me and there were always times when the baby wouldn’t nap or took very short naps for some reason that i didn’t know. this was always so frustrating to me but it did always pass and then come back and then pass again. she will get back into her routine eventually and you will have that time again that will make you feel normal again. some of my friends’ babies rarely napped or never napped on schedule and i just could not see how they did it. my son is 2 and i still cherrish every minute of his 2 hour nap time!
{{{hugs to you Sallie}}}
Having a baby is really hard….on the body, mind, emotions, hormones, spiritual life, marriage, etc etc. So you’re not lousy at those things. You’re just feeling the struggle…and it is real. It will come and go, but you’ll be ok. Just ride it out, enjoy the little things….and do the other things when you can. We’ll still be here when you’re ready to write. 😉
I’d love you to visit another blog I just read.
Katherine at Raising Five has just written today about her little ones. I’d love for you to read it and be encouraged.
https://raisingfive.blogspot.com/2007/03/seasons.html
Mel
Thank you for all the encouraging words and comments. I knew I wasn’t alone in how I was feeling (I’m old enough to know that!), but the fact that so many people took the time to leave a comment or send me an email really blessed me. And I hope that others were blessed by these comments since I’m sure there are others in the same situation who might not comment.
A couple specific thoughts…
Wilm – Thank you for taking the time to comment!
Brandy – We actually did buy and use Babywise. It made sense to us when we read it and we knew people who had had good success with it. Unfortunately, we fall into the non-success camp. I actually sold our copy on half.com a week or two ago because I’ve given up on it.
Marianna – We “mature” moms have to hang together, don’t we? We face our own unique challenges. 🙂
Emma – We did try a sling and nothing doing. Caroline did not like being confined AT ALL and it was too hard on my back. I love the idea but the practical outworking wasn’t there for us.
Tammy S. – Yes, STOP SNOWING already!!! I LOL when I read that. I told David last evening that I don’t ever remember going into the second week of March with this much snow on the ground. I’m sure my crocuses (croci?) are up but they’re buried under a foot of snow!
Elizabeth B. – You know, the ironic thing is that David and I have always been rather laid back about the whole mealtime thing when it was just to the two of us. We’d talk at breakfast about what we needed to do that morning and decide on a lunch time for that day. We’d do the same thing at lunch and decide on a time for supper. But adding a baby to the mix just seems to make it a lot more complicated, especially since she seems to be just like us – she just wants to do things when it is convenient that day!
Lizzie – Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. I have been to your blog many times and know about your situation. I can’t imagine going through what you are. Thank you for the reminder to ask for guidance each moment and at each step.
Katy – Seven weeks to go! That was about the first time I said, “I’m ready to have this baby!” The last seven weeks seemed so long! Hang in there!
crikl’s nest – Yes, it is hard. I have been thinking about doing a post on what a baby does to your spiritual life. I’ve given up on the read the Bible in a year this year. 🙂
Melanie – Thank you for the link. It was encouraging. 🙂
Thanks again to everyone for your encouraging words and prayers. I am blessed. 🙂
Oh, Sallie, I know what you mean! Well, I guess I don’t really since I’m not a mama yet, but I have been feeling discouraged too about similar things. Today especially… Thanks for putting my thoughts into words!
I have those days too. I actually have a list taped to the inside of my pantry of meals that can come together in 10 minutes or less.
Basically, with ground beef and instant rice, you can make a good dinner in that time period!
Here’s a link to a post I did a while back about it…no, they are not 4 star meals but, they are nutritious, filling, and generally one-pot so perfect when you have a baby!
https://milehimama.blogspot.com/2006/11/wfmw-quick-and-easy-pantry-cooking.html
Another thing that helped was to make sure the baby has a spot in each room – a place to put a blankie on the floor, or whatever. That way I can work – but interact with her at the same time. Sometimes a preventative cooing or attention from Mama when she is happy goes a long way to stopping a fussy episode – plus I am rewarding contentedness with my attention, not crankiness. The last thing you want Baby to learn is that she has to scream for attention!
Hang in there, it gets better!
Mama Says
I’m in a similar slump: winter doldrums, cabin fever, growth spurt, little ability to concentrate. The baby is doing great, but most everything else is going to seed–with no reprieve in sight, because we’re planning to keep on having babies!
I’m reminded of a young woman quoted in an old college lit book: “I can do my work all right, but it doesn’t leave me time for growing up.” I think I’m going through something like that with motherhood. It’s hard, though, because so much of my self-esteem is based on what I accomplish. (I guess that’s one thing God’s working on in me right now.)
For the sleeping and nap issues, I highly recommend the book “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child”. It changed our lives when our first son was an infant. I truly believe that a healthy, restorative sleep routine makes all the difference in the world in how your family functions. When mom is exhausted and baby is constantly overtired and cannot stay settled, life is just plain miserable. This book really set me straight about babies and their sleep habits.
Good luck!!
Jen
Sallie, we all have these moments where we feel just like you described. You are not alone (and anyone who says otherwise is LYIN’ sister!)
I will pray for you right now; for peace, frustrations to ease, and refreshment to come…
I definitely know what you are going through. My husband is deployed to Iraq, so I’ve been on 24 hour solo baby duty since my son was born 3 months ago. Luckily he is a fairly easy baby and a champion sleeper: he just started sleeping from 8 pm to 4 am with no breaks. The thing that has saved my sanity is going to bed at 8 pm and getting up at 4 am precisely as you describe. I get my 8 hours of rest, then we nurse for a little while, and he goes back to sleep until 6 or 7 am while I get some mommy time. Even when he was waking up at midnight, getting two four hour blocks of sleep made things manageable.
We also do not have a routine and I’m just starting to accept that it will probably be that way forever. My son will only nap if we are out in the stroller and is extremely fussy from about 5 pm until he falls asleep at 8 pm. During this time I have to hold/nurse him constantly and I end up watching a lot of DVDs and reading a lot of books with a baby laying on my lap. I used to be a very active person so this has been the hardest thing to get used to.
Having him in the same room with me (in the infant seat so he can look around) is also a big help. He seems a lot more content if he can look at me and hear my voice.
I have heard lots of people recommend Dr. Karp’s “Happiest Baby on the Block” for high needs babies. We use some of his principles and I think it might be worth checking out.
My kids have been impossibly difficult with the sleep thing. It evades them often or they it, however that works.
Right now I am reading a brand new book called Sleepless in America by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It’s fantastic and deals not only with infants but toddlers so it lasts past infancy. I’ve also read and loved Baby Whisperer for the flexible schedule. One that isn’t rigid, but provides a basis for each day. I am also learning a lot about temperament – theirs and mine – and it’s helping me keep in perspective how much my kids (and I) can handle and appreciating the uniqueness of each personality as God created them. Sometimes that means we don’t get out as much or we aren’t able to have a routine that day or whatever, but remembering that the day revolves around personalities and their needs helps a lot. And when all else fails, I chop it up to a bad day, a stay-at-home day, etc. repeating “this too shall pass” and remembering that my feelings about me aren’t necessarily true, even if they feel true and look to my husband to tell me if they are when I can’t tell the difference.
Its winter. You have a new baby. Hang in there. My youngest is now 30. Life has its seasons. God loves you.
“Ever think you stink at everything you do and are?”
I have a word for this feeling. “Motherhood.” Don’t worry, the feeling will pass, and no doubt sooner than it should. 🙂
Seriously, you will have victorious moments, but as someone who is very creative, thoughtful, and has high standards, you will never be able to do everything you would like to do. You’ll find a balance. Promise.