Yesterday I shared a bit about what I am doing with Caroline at home regarding learning. Today I want to ask a question. I’m sure I’m not the only one facing this. What do you do with a child who won’t play by herself and is bored with something within five minutes?
I was sharing with a friend in an email recently that it is so hard to keep Caroline occupied. If I prepare something for her or gather the materials for a new activity, she will generally do it for five minutes tops and then she is done. She isn’t interested in exploring all the different creative ways to use something. She definitely is not into doing something over and over again. Once she’s done it a couple of times, she’s ready to move on.
I don’t have the time or financial ability to find 10 new things for her to do each day. She has plenty of open-ended toys. We rotate toys. We have her put toys away before she goes on to the next thing (mostly – still working on that). She’s not over-sugared. But it is almost as though she needs a steady diet of new things to do and experience all day.
She also isn’t interested in playing alone. At. all. It doesn’t matter if she gets lots of one-on-one time for an hour or two. She still wants to be with us and have us play with her. We can’t play with her all day (and we don’t). But she isn’t lacking for attention.
A couple mornings a week we have a sitter come for a few hours to play with her just so we can get a break and focus on our work. She loves having the sitters come (two girls who are completely different) and always has a lot of fun.
Anyway, I am open to suggestions. I realize part of it may be her age, part of it is a function of having an only child, and part of it is training her to do things, but it is driving me nuts. The combination of a mom who needs time alone during the day to think, recharge, take care of a home, and work and a child who thinks she needs a play companion all day, every day and seems incapable of getting engrossed in anything by herself is just not working very well. I have to be honest. If things don’t change as she gets a little older, this may be the very thing that trumps everything else and forces us to choose to put her in school. I know she might grow out of it, but right now it is very hard.
(And I won’t even get into the part about the fact that she wakes up at 5:00 every morning and thinks it is time to get up. I am dreading the time change because her internal clock is so strong I don’t even want to think about how this is going to play out shortly. We’ve already tried adjusting her bedtime to start compensating for the change, and that’s not working either. It doesn’t matter what time she goes to bed. She wakes up early every. single. morning.)
So what do you do with a child who won’t play by herself?
Relaxed Homeschooling My Three Year Old
No simple answers, but lots of sympathy. I have four kids and they each went through this stage. The best thing I can say is if you consistently work with them, it does pass. I would often say, “Mommy is busy, you need to play a bit and then we will do something fun together.” I would try to not make them wait too long, just a little beyond their comfort zone. I made a little list of all the things they could do by themselves, and would let them pick. If they were bored I would remind them of the list. It had pictures next to the words for my younger ones. During this time, I am not sure I got anything done besides laundry, cooking, and mothering. Thankfully, my husband is always encouraging and did not mind.
I did teach my sons to get up and quietly look at books until Mama woke up. I think my older son was around three when I did this. I also ( I think someone could nominate me for the “bad mother award” for this) taught him to eat a poptart while waiting for the rest of us to get up. The only thing that helped with getting him to sleep later was keeping the room very, very dark. With my second early riser, big brother was up so he just took care of him while the rest of us slept 🙂
Mrs. Donagin,
Thank you for your reply and suggestions. Sometimes sympathy is just the best thing, isn’t it? I keep telling myself “this too shall pass” just like some of the other harder to handle quirks we’ve dealt with in the past and lived to tell about.
And you can share your bad mother award with me. Caroline loves Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts.
Yes, a lot of sympathy here, too.
My son was like that. Luckily he has an older sister. I would get less time to accomplish things with just him home even now that he’s 4 and we’re homeschooling 2nd grade with his sister, but the difference was huge when he was a toddler, he has gotten better.
Sister has always needed a bit of time to play alone quietly. She needs less now, but when he was 2 or 3, I would let her lock herself in her room when she needed some quiet time. (If she didn’t lock it, he would come in, he adores her. She is a great big sister!)
One possibility–find a child her age to trade off babysitting and eventually homeschooling classes with.
Drastic possibility–adopt another child. We had friends who said they would never have a second child who eventually decided they needed to–their main reason was that a lot of their friends’ parents started having health issues and dying, and they saw how much of a blessing it was to have siblings to share the load during such times.
Hello Sallie,
On encouraging a later wake time – I agree with Mrs. Donagin about the very, very, dark room. Our boys have always slept in the same room and I had one early riser. He doesn’t want to miss anything. He used to wake up in the morning and come put his face right next to mine and ask me “Mama, what’s on the agenda today?” We finally got them(him) to sleep longer by using a “white noise” maker on very low volume so that little sounds wouldn’t disturb them during the night or early in the morning. We also installed room darkening shades (these are especially nice during those long summer days). In the morning we would just go in and crack them open a bit as they started to wake up.
We used both of these ideas when they were little to help them get a good afternoon nap and now they are good 10 – 12 hour sleepers. Also limiting water “intake” after dinner helped so they wouldn’t wake up too early morning feeling the urge to go.
On learning more independently – we educate our children at home and the same early riser does get bored. 🙄 I have discovered that he is not really bored, he is just ready for a new challenge. Rotating toys is good, we still do that, but also don’t underestimate Caroline’s curiosity and need for a new challenge. We found lots of new things to do at reasonable prices on sites like Homeschool Classifieds and HSLDA’s used site as well. You could also exchange learning materials with another local HS family. Open-ended toys like LEGOs have been a lifesaver and they have a whole educational divison as well. The “craft” box will also keep our guys busy for hours. Just give them some tape and scissors (both of these have to remain on the kitchen table).
On playing more independently – my situation is a bit different because our 3 boys have always had each other to play with. If you belong to a local group of homeschool families maybe you could find another mom in your same situation and invite a same age “classmate” for Caroline to learn and play with. My 2 sisters do this on Tuesday and Thursday. One sister has the 2 littles on Tue., the other has them on Thurs. I am amazed at how much each of my sisters can get done in one morning from 8-1 (I wish they lived closer to me). They learn, play, have a snack and lunch together and are home in time for a nap or resting time.
one note here – When our boys were little I was very careful to choose friends for them to be with – it was nice to meet other families that had our same values, manners, and learning styles. It may take some time to find a “match”. but it is worth it. You will also find that these families are the ones who will be there for you if you ever have an emergency and you can rest assured that Caroline will have someone to keep her busy.
A little story here to illustrate the above – I had three toddler boys and I met another mom who had just moved here and she also had three little boys. We met at the park regularly once every other week and once a month during the winter in our homes. Because or family “rules” were the same, they got along well and kept each other busy for hours. My friend had a medical emergency situation and I didn’t even hesitate to tell her to drop them off with a bunch of clothes on their way to the hospital. They ended up staying for three days, but it was a good “match” and it didn’t even seem like there were 6 of them. (I get tired just thinking about it now!).
on daylight savings time – all I can say is PRAY! I remember backing up bedtime a half hour a night for a week before the dreaded change and I remember praying ALOT! Now it seems to be no big deal, although I dislike the spring ahead change more. My body just doesn’t like to “adjust” anymore.
That turned out to be longer than I had intended. I better stop. Hope it helps.
Elizabeth B, Katherine and Ann – Thank you for such thoughtful comments. 😀
A few random comments…
We do a pretty dark room and white noise. The child goes from sleep to 60 mph in 3.7 seconds. Once that little mind engages, all she wants is to get up and get at Mama and Daddy to start the day!
Katherine’s comment about not underestimating Caroline’s curiosity and need for a new challenge resonated with me. I know she needs new things to explore, try, etc. all the time. She is very curious. The problem is keeping up with it. And that she prefers to be curious with someone. But thank you for the suggestions of places to look. One of the downsides of having an only child is it is harder to justify spending large amounts of money on things knowing it will only be used by one child. If I knew we would use it with multiple children it would be easier to justify it in my mind. But we will just have to do what we have to do. I remind myself that we’ll either be spending money to send her to a Christian school or we’ll be spending money homeschooling her. Either way it is going to cost.
Re: finding others to play and exchange with… I have been trying, but it has been hard so far. There aren’t many families with little ones at church and most of them are in daycare during the day so that isn’t an option. But I will keep looking and pray that God will open some doors just as He did with finding good sitters. 😀
I sometimes think we have the same daughter : )
There is nothing you can do about this, it is just her personality. It’s nothing to do with being an only or not. If she had a sibling, chances are they would probably bicker and you would still end up working pretty hard to keep everyone occupied happily!
Just get a sitter like you are doing to get things done. You may find that maybe next year she would like to be in a preschool.
Hang in there!
Hi, Sallie. This is my first time on your site (or is it a blog?), and I really like it. Before posting this, I read your previous post on what you’re doing with Caroline. To me it sounds like you’re a wonderfully insightful mommy and are doing a great job.
I also think some others posted great ideas and encouragement, and I second it.
I also am not sure how old Caroline is, but I’m thinking lots of time outside, especially in green or other natural settings, would be great. Since you mention getting out and around a lot, maybe you’re already doing that. Lots of time daily, as much as you can manage, seems like it would be wonderful. You’ve probably already thought of that, but just in case, for what it’s worth, here it is.
Even if you don’t have Caroline “figured out yet” (yet? Just wait til she’s a teenager, ha!), it seems you’re doing a great job of listening to your intuition. I think you should be encouraged!
One thing you might want to be a bit careful of is how much time she spends watching the kinds of DVD’s, etc., that switch quickly from one scene to another (like almost all of those made for children.) I believe they hinder the natural development of a child’s attention span and cause them to want a very high level of stimulation, and be bored if they don’t get it.
You sound like a great mommy!
Sallie, I wonder if it’s a developmental issue for your daughter. My daughter has loved going to preschool and at first I wasn’t entirely sure I was going to send her. Yet I met the most magical teachers at a very small, very Christian preschool and we all fell in love with it right off the bat. That has really helped her stretch and grow in new ways and now she plays independently much more then she did before. Yet, two months ago she seemed to require so much more from me to stay involved in things. So that’s what leads me to think it might be a developmental issue. I remember playing with my brother and my neighbor quite a bit when I was younger, up until the time I learned to read well. Then I remember reading all the time right up through high school. Yet I am an extrovert and I an charged by being around others. Perhaps Caroline is the same way?
I agree with all the comments from the more experienced mothers. I am still so new to this Mommy job. Yet I can’t help thinking back to the Montessori tenants that encourage and expect kids to spend a lot of time on one thing. Perhaps now is a great time to go back and re-read some of the Montessori basics and or go check out Barbara Curtis’ site archives. I am quite sure you have read Montessori before in your undergraduate work for your education degree. I find I went through all that information that I frequently have to go back and re-read it for my kids at present.
At any rate, I hope this season passes on to another where Caroline can explore things on her own without a lot of set up from Mommy! 😛
My son (and first born) was exactly like this. Up every morning at 4.30 or 5am, whatever time we put him to bed. Needing my undivided attention every single moment of the day. Even when he was watching a video (he’s 16 now – so we are going back a while here) he would want me sitting beside him, and if I picked up a book or magazine he would complain. If I was in the bath, he was standing at the side of it wanting to play. If I was cooking he was complaining.
I’m not going to pretend it wasn’t a strain! I had given up a busy and fairly high-powered job, had no friends with young children and found it difficult to make any as Josh needed so much attention. He was happy if we were out walking in the park with the pushchair, but the moment I took the pushchair to the shops he realised I wasn’t paying him attention and would start creating again!
A few things helped. We had a dog, and they became great friends when Josh was old enough to be entertained by her. My mother would spell me for a couple of hours here and there, so that I could go shopping without stress. My mother also noticed that Josh was happiest when there were other children about. Even when he was still very young – just coming up for 1 – he would sit and watch older children at the playground and be much more content. I found a little day nursery that was willing to take him for 2 hours twice a week, and often I used that 2 hours to go home and nap, which made all the difference!
We also realised very early on that Josh was a very bright baby. I’m sure that the constant curiosity was a sign of that. He talked very early, counted at an extraordinarily young age, and was reading, fluidly, from 6 year old readers, before he was 4.
I think the best advice I can give you is to give into it, and not try to change things. My brother and his wife used to give us quite a hard time about his “neediness” and often my so-called friends would complain that I was giving him too much attention. Their children didn’t need it. They would play on their own, and he wouldn’t. I was made to feel like I was doing something wrong, and that I could change him. The same with the early morning waking. After a while I just started going to bed earlier, and appreciating the early mornings for the great start they gave to our days! I became expert at stacking away “surprises” that I could bring out when I really really needed 5 minutes on my own. These could be a collection of printables from a website, some little toys long forgotten, a toy musical instrument, a plastic crate full of soapy water and pouring utensils, a simple craft he could do on his own, or a bowl filled with dried pulses to stir and mix.
My daughter was born when Josh was nearly 3 and things changed immediately. He loved her devotedly from the day she came home from the hospital, and despite the fact that she couldn’t play with him, he was endlessly entertained by her.
And one more thought .. Josh is a 6 foot 3 teenager now, sporty, clever, kind and funny, and we have a wonderful, close relationship. He knows that he had my undivided attention when he needed it, and I don’t regret it for one moment.