A couple of weeks ago we stopped at one of the local cider mills after my physical therapy appointment. As we pulled in, I noticed a large group of children playing and instinctively knew they were homeschoolers based on the ages, time of day, etc. I looked over at the moms and knew I was correct. They were all wearing dresses or skirts, the vast majority of which were long and many of which were denim.
While the children looked like they were having a ball chasing each other around, the mothers did not. They were all standing with their personal space around them, arms folded and primarily emotionless faces. One mom did make a brief comment to another, they laughed, and that was it. At one point there was an accidental collision of two boys and the respective moms came over to make sure everything was ok. Then they separated and went back to where they were standing individually.
I had two thoughts when we first saw them. The first was that they would look down on us for what we were wearing. I had on khaki pants, a white t-shirt and a denim jacket. (One doesn’t wear a skirt to physical therapy.) Caroline had on a bright printed top and leggings. We did not “fit in” and even though I am very sympathetic to and interested in homeschooling myself, I’m not sure we would have been welcomed over there with them. In fairness to them, maybe we would have. But I wasn’t willing to try it and find out.
The other thought was “Lord, I can’t do that.” And by “that” I don’t mean the homeschooling. I mean the “living by the rules and dressing the right way to be accepted” that. It was interesting to me that this was the first thing that entered my mind upon seeing the group. But it is the truth. I have scads of dresses and skirts and wear them all the time. But I wear them because it is just my own preference and style. To have to wear them to be accepted and fit in? No way.
At the heart of simple living for a Christian is this: knowing who God created you to be and walking in that unique path He has chosen for you. Because of this truth, no two Christians who walk “simply” will walk the same. God has different things to accomplish in our lives and through our lives so it stands to reason that our lives simply cannot all look the same.
Perhaps those women have joyful relationships with Christ. Maybe they were all nervous because it was the first time they got together. Maybe they wear pants when they are at home but have an agreement to wear dresses and skirts in public for their meetings. I don’t know. But the lack of joy on their faces and the lack of visible camaraderie did not make me long to join their group. Instead, it made me more certain of my conviction to hang on to my freedom in Christ and seek out others who will help me walk joyfully in the simple path the Lord has for me.
You shouldn’t assume that you’d have been looked down on.
I almost only wear skirts and sometimes they are denim just because I like them. That doesn’t mean I care a whit about someone else wearing pants.
How do you truly know that they are “living by the rules”?
Maybe someone they know just died–it’s really difficult to know what was going on.
Now if you’d have gone over and someone was snooty or told you that you were dressed wrong, that of course would be different.
So your post makes assumptions about them making assumptions about you!–;)
Our homeschool group is very diverse and people from all faiths or no faiths participate. Most homeschool groups welcome other families.
Lizziea,
I would invite you to read my post again. I went out of my way to give the women the benefit of the doubt that perhaps I was wrong in my thinking about them and the way I perceived things and offered many possible explanations for their behavior. I know I have my own biases after dealing for years with people who hold to those kinds of convictions. But my reaction and renewed conviction to hold onto my freedom in Christ didn’t come out of nowhere in the past few weeks. I still maintain that the lack of joy and visible camaraderie did not make me feel like I was eager to be a part of their group.
Very interesting post. I find that I am too liberal for conservative circles, and too conservative for the more liberal circles. I’ve had this experience within my religion too, Catholicism. I find that the average Catholic parish is too liberal for me. But then I’ve tried to reach out to more traditionalist communities, but I find them too harsh and strict and I don’t feel welcome because we don’t homeschool, wear skirts or have ten children.
Which leaves me right in the middle.
I think in this instance, it is safe to assume that you would have not been welcome in this group. And there is nothing wrong with that, not all groups have to welcome everyone.
P.S. I love the redesign, with the nice warm colors.
Just so ya know, “fundamentalist” looking homeschooling groups are the minority these days, and they were when I was coming up homeschooled, too, and that was the 1980’s-90s. =) If you want to homeschool, there will be a group that you can fit into better, I’m sure, though I’ve found that in no “group” that I’ve ever been in have I found a “perfect” fit, just ones that are more or less comfortable than others. I think its just the nature of groups. =)
I ALWAYS feel that way when I’m in the store with the Mennonite ladies who live in our area. We don’t really have any Amish but lots of Mennonites.
Every time, I wonder why I feel that way. I am always modestly dressed but especially in cold weather, I’ll have slacks on. None of them have every said anything or even looked as if they were judging my dress, either.
In the only homeschool co-op I was involved in (during C.’s last two years homeschooling), there was such a mixture of people one never felt they had to dress a certain way. I know in some co-ops there is almost a mommy uniform but ours was so different.
What always surprised me was how many former engineers we had a homeschooling moms. Perhaps it is just the area? But I digress…
I always thought I would do well wearing a tee-shirt that said “I don’t care what other people think” on the front, and “I lie” on the back.
Life is HARD.
Hi! I love the new background design, too.
I’m now in my 23rd year of home education, and I don’t know about your area, but I KNOW that in my former area (Lancaster, PA), which is VERY conservative, overall — I barely knew that kind of home educators. I think there are MANY, MANY home educators who do not fit that stereotype. And many more NOW than when I started. 🙂
Maybe they were a group of Bill Gothardites? Or Mennonites? Or…??
Honest, I barely know anybody who dresses as conservatively as I do, and I mean home educators!
Susan 🙂
Maybe they were just tired and enjoyed some quiet…together. I know I would probably just stand there if it were me because I’d be so worn out from getting everyone ready to go and getting there.
Or maybe they were all thinking about getting home to check their Facebook accounts. 😉
I’ve seen be-skirted homeschooling moms do exactly what you describe. I’ve also observed and interacted with be-skirted homeschooling moms like this be some of the most “open-armed” to others around them.
I’ve observed a large number of be-pantsed moms, homeschooling and otherwise, standing on the playground fringes and being snoots apart and together. And I’ve seen be-pantsed (and mini-skirted) moms be as open-armed and kind as could be.
Yep, clothes do not make or break the woman in God’s eyes.
Sallie, Love the redesign!
hold on to your freedom in Christ. It’s not worth trading for joyless comraderie. Maybe some of those women are happy and free in their lives, but I’m willing to bet at least a few are struggling.
All of our lives we try to change ourselves to fit in with a group. I was blessed that in my experience Church was the one place I was welcome to be myself. I find it appalling that so many women experience the opposite.
Mrs N
Good thoughts! I know exactly what you mean, and based on my experience, tend to believe that your intuition was serving you well.
I also can totally empathize with the theory that perhaps they were just weary and tired and not able to put two sentences together; because that’s exactly how I feel right now! Mom’s get that way far too often. Otherwise this would be a much longer, more pertinent comment. 😉
Sallie, I love your blog redesign! I’m hoping to have time to do mine soon. I just got through with my business site redesign.
Our homeschool group that I used to attend was very eclectic–most of them wore pants, but there were several who did not. I actually felt more loved with those homeschooling moms than I did with other Christians.
I wear pants at home but not away from home, because I don’t have the figure for it right now.:) I know there has to be something that would look nice on me, but I get impatient after trying on a few pairs of pants or jeans.:) I have went back and forth on the issue of pants on women, but am now feeling the freedom to wear them so long as they are not tight or low. I’ve always allowed my girls to wear them, and they get complimented on how modest they are. They aren’t dowdy, but they are modest.
Love your new blog design!
I belong to a homeschool group. We wear whatever we want to wear, and it is a welcoming and joyful group. I pray you find a group that is just right for you and your family.
Sorry it has taken me a few days to respond. I haven’t felt the best the past two days. 🙂
Glad people like the redesign. 😀
I was thinking about this post some more because it is sometimes hard to completely convey exactly what I’m thinking or experiencing. I should have said that this was a group of about a dozen women so it wasn’t like it was just two or three moms who all “happened” to wear dresses and skirts at the same time. It had to be a deliberate thing.
And there is a lot more to why I would respond that way and it has to do with other things that have happened in my life that I’ve never felt at liberty to write about here. There are women who read and comment here who do know those parts of my life and they probably read this post in a totally different light because they knew where I was coming from. It isn’t like it is a big secret from my past. It just involves other people and I’m not at liberty from the Lord to write about it (at least at this point).
***For me*** seeing those women dressed like that and acting like that in public was a spiritual moment for me. It was a confirmation of years of work God has done in my life. It isn’t my place to judge if those women are godly or not. But when I see a large group of homeschooling women all wearing dresses and skirts and they look less than happy, I can’t help but be profoundly impacted by it. And that was my point. It was a reminder to be thankful for and cling to my freedom in Christ because I personally know too many people who have surrendered it and have lost much because of it.
I’m not a homeschooling mom, but have many friends who are and they are a lot like me in terms of values, dress, etc. I don’t see in our area a large concentration of the super-conservative type of women that you describe. Therefore, this post didn’t seem to relate to me although I read it and the comments with interest. But this last comment struck a chord in me that I will revisit, I’m sure. I’ve never thought of my freedom in Christ as something I must cling to, and not really thought about ways I might surrender it, although because of my internal reaction in reading this, I think there might be areas where I have/do. Thanks for giving me something (albeit unrelated to the instance in the post) to think about.
Jenny,
Thank you for your comment. I’ve actually responded with a whole post here. 😀
I have great sympathy for your passion about freedom in Christ. I have also studied Galatians, and I really like what you say.
I happen to LOOK somewhat like those “super-conservative” women — I entirely wear skirts at this point — mostly because I find them much more figure-flattering for ME than pants. I also find them more modest. I have read with great sympathy of other women who exclusively wear pants BECAUSE they find them more modest than skirts/dresses.
I was just extremely surprised that you found a whole group of such conservative women, BECAUSE I was from Lancaster, a very conservative area, filled with Mennonites, Amish, other conservative orders (who ALL wear skirts almost exclusively), and with MANY “Bill Gothard-type” Christians (believe me, I know many, and many are very kind and wonderful people). (Some of them even usually or sometimes wear pants!)
MY only point was that it seemed to me that such very conservatively dressed women (whether or not they looked happy) are very much the minority among home educators. This is based on 23 years of experience in home education, living in 3 separate states, and having been to conferences, etc. I just wondered if it was some especially conservative group, which does not TO ME seem typical AT ALL of home educators in general.
But I think what you say about freedom in Christ is wonderful! 🙂
Susan