Like many young women of the late ’80s, I swooned over Gilbert Blythe as portrayed by Jonathan Crombie in the CBC series Anne of Green Gables and Anne Of Green Gables – The Sequel. The news of Crombie’s passing last week broke my heart both because he was far too young to die and it also meant that the Gilbert I knew and loved was gone.
Part of what drew me to Gilbert was his love of the opinionated, strong and gifted Anne Shirley. Although I am not an imaginative dreamer like her, I did relate to her struggles as a smart and strong young woman, college student and then teacher. But what I loved about Gilbert is that he appreciated Anne’s spirit and mind. He was fascinated by her, delighted in her accomplishments, found her a worthy opponent, and enjoyed a good verbal exchange. He wasn’t intimidated in any way by her strengths, but reveled in them.
I am fortunate that after many years of prayer and waiting I ended up marrying my own Gilbert. He doesn’t look anything like Jonathan Crombie and he’s a graphic designer (not a doctor). But my David has the same loyalty to me and my gifts. He delights in seeing me engage in an intellectual sparring match and knowing my satisfaction of being used by the Holy Spirit to encourage someone else. Like Gilbert, David has said many times he was drawn to my independence, my tenacity, my sense of humor, and, above all, my commitment to Christ. He wanted a strong woman who would challenge him and be his equal in life. David is not intimidated by my strengths but instead, like Gilbert, revels in them.
Compare this to the increasingly tragic stay-at-home daughters movement in Christian circles today.
Stay-at-Home Daughters
These are young women who think that in order to serve God and their future husband they must remain under their father’s protection and guidance until married – even if that never comes. They must focus on domestic arts, learn to be sweet and submissive, and parrot the opinions of their father on pretty much everything.
As Marty wrote in Those Young Keepers of the Home, there are so many increasingly older Christian women sitting at home, waiting for their knight in shining armor. Except that knight isn’t coming.
He isn’t coming partially because he doesn’t exist. Like Anne Shirley’s romantic ideal man who didn’t exist, these young women and their parents have created some paragon of a Christian young man who is primarily a figment of their imagination.
They expect that some man will appear who is perfect in every way including his theology down to the minutest detail, what he eats, what he listens to, and how he speaks. He is basically expected to be a carbon copy of the girl’s father because I suspect most of these fathers would be loathe to give their daughter in marriage to any young man who didn’t emulate them in pretty much every way.
The knight also isn’t coming because Christian young men who have strength of character, faith and personality do not want a wife who views her role in life as primarily to acquiesce to his every thought, desire, and belief. I am not overstating this when I say that this is what many (if not most) stay-at-home daughters are taught to do. They are taught that their views, opinions, and beliefs are completely secondary to that of their father and then, subsequently, their husband.
What a Christian Husband Desires
Any Christian man worth his salt is going to want a strong woman who will confront him in love when he is wrong. In fact, I would counsel any young woman contemplating marriage to a man who doesn’t encourage this to run far, far away! Any Christian man should want his wife to be confident in her abilities and gifts. He should see himself as one who encourages her to be all she can be, even if that means she overshadows him in certain areas. If he is strong in Christ, this won’t be a problem for him.
In my opinion, the best Christian marriages consist of some mixture of friendship, respect, admiration, trust, humor, and physical spark. Each marriage will have these characteristics in varying degrees based on their personalities and relationship. But both the husband and the wife should desire to bring the best of who they are to the marriage and should be eager to encourage the other to excel in every way possible.
What Stay-at-Home Daughters Need
It is my prayer that God will open the eyes of these stay-at-home daughters and their parents to the unnecessary burdens they have placed on themselves and the unrealistic expectations they are laboring under. There is still time for many of these young women to discover the joy of finding their Gilbert if they will allow themselves to experience their freedom in Christ.
Why I Don’t Worry About My Picky Eater
It is also interesting that some of those who love Anne of Green Gables tend to think along the lines of “They must focus on domestic arts, learn to be sweet and submissive,”. Hopefully the cognitive dissonance will lead to rethinking their position.
raswhiting –
I wonder how many stay at home daughters are allowed to read the Anne books? She really doesn’t fit the paradigm with having an opinion, going away to college, leaving home for a teaching position, etc. Maybe someone in the know could tell us?
And I agree about the cognitive dissonance. Actually, looking at cognitive dissonance is what drives a lot of what I write here. LOL!
I know I had read past criticism books/themes by LM Montgomery… Was harder to find this time. Keepers of the Faith has removed their book reviews; not sure if they criticized her or not. I did find this: http://www.homemakerscorner.com/lmmont.htm
Your two paragraphs under the heading “What a Christian Husband Desires” are absolutely correct.
Thank you, Richard!
What this make me think of, lately, is how I need to prepare them for this kind of husband (and wife, for the boy) by not being defensive or threatened when they begin to overtake me in skills or intensity or giftings.
I have always felt insecure in what is perhaps my most visible “gift” (music, esp. singing) because my parents are so much “beyond” me. But now my writing and analysis has (probably) surpassed theirs. I continue to feel awkward discussing writing with them, because they hesitate, and I’m not sure how far down that road it’s polite to go with them.
As a result, I’ve been watching myself carefully with my kids– I don’t want to hold them back just because I can’t keep up. And I want to plant a sense of suspicion about anyone who would.
Amy Jane,
That’s an interesting point for those of us with children. We already talk about marriage from time to time with Caroline (who is eight). Not in a “you must get married or your life will have no value!” type way, but in a matter of fact way. David and I talk about what we appreciate about each other, how God brought us together, why we are best friends, etc. I want her to not just observe our marriage, but also understand the whys behind it.
I hope in doing that we are planting that sense of suspicion you are talking about (although I never thought of it that way). I’m hoping by the time she is interested in boys and marriage that she’ll be aware enough of what makes a good, Christ-centered marriage that her creep-o-meter will immediately go off if it is ever necessary.
From a Christian woman (who has always been a bit sassy) I find this so refreshing. Though I always appreciate a reminder to be sweet and kind, I know in my heart that God has also made me strong and clever. Those are gifts to be cherished and not hidden. Well written!
You knock down a straw man. Your portrayal is, at best, a distorted caricature. At worst, an outright self-deception in an attempt to comfort you in your own choices. I kept waiting for something biblical to at least arguably support your view, but I never saw it. That should be the standard for our ethics, shouldn’t it? Not really Anne of Green Gables?
Hi Matthew,
Thanks for stopping by. I would encourage you to look around the rest of my site. My purpose in writing this wasn’t to give a biblical dissertation on male and female roles. It was to reflect on the passing of an actor who impacted my life, one of his characters, and how it related to God’s good work in my own life.
And, believe me, it was no caricature I put out there. The internet is full of people who have been in or are still in such situations. I’ve been studying these movements for the past nine years. It’s real.
I am glad that you have found what works for you, but does that mean that it must work for everyone? What about those who truly want and are happy to be those stay-at-home daughters. The Scriptures will give some guidance that helps your thoughts on this matter, other verses will support and give value to those on the other side.
I don’t disagree with you. I think it’s important for a woman (and for a man) to find their own role, as called by God and as guided by the Word of God. Sharing some of the positives to what you have learnt in your life can be useful to share with others. But I’m sure those stay-at-home daughters could also share some positives on what they have learnt in their lives too.
It just felt like you were saying, “this has worked for me, so I would advise all of you to follow this way.” rather than offering thoughts for others to read and think about, as they try to find their own role in God’s providence.
P.S. I had never heard of the term stay-at-home daughters before. I just took them to maybe be at the opposite of the spectrum to where you are coming from? 🙂
Thank you for this! I’m another modern day Anne who has had real trouble fitting at more patriarchy-leaning churches. I also am married to a Gilbert who loves my quick wit and sharp mind who holds him accountable in all things. At church, however, I tend to be looked at like an alien because I’m not consumed with being the next Martha Stewart, but instead love deep theology and homeschooling my own gifted boys. It’s nice to find another like minded woman!
Hi Reach!
Thanks for stopping by! If you aren’t familiar with the stay at home daughters movement, this post might seem a bit off to you. Here’s some context.
You can watch a trailer of the main video promoting this view here.
One of the primary concerns about this movement was the promotion of the idea that the unmarried daughter is a helpmeet to her father until she marries. That is the term they use – helpmeet. They are to help build their father’s business and their father’s vision. They are not to have one of their own.
You will also notice that they define it as THE biblical model. This is what daughters are to do. Period.
Here is a VERY lengthy discussion that ensued when the video came out.
The movement strongly condemns college education for women if it means going away from home. Some of them do encourage women to be educated by studying from home, but many do not.
Ironically, the last woman in the video is currently in the midst of a sexual abuse lawsuit against one of the main proponents of the stay at home daughters movement. Here is a lengthy post I wrote about it. Don’t miss this link in that post that explains the outworking of these views in everyday life.
Here is a great series of podcasts on Patriarchy/Patriocentricity from my friend, Karen, at thatmom.com. She has invested a HUGE amount of time over the past nine years helping people understand the problems with these teachings.
I wonder, in keeping with the times, what do you do with stay at home daughters like Jill and Jessa Duggar, who managed to do the EXACT opposite of your stereotype of them? Or what do you do with the many families on Facebook who live these kinds of lives and are actually getting married to wonderful, Christian men, and genuinely seem happy?
Are there some who didn’t get married or are at least, still waiting? Certainly. But, in the face of declining marriage of our current generation who are not even INTERESTED in marriage, what do you say to them? If it’s all about the ends to a means, then how come it’s not adding up? Do you believe that they aren’t free to find their husbands as you described? Why aren’t the men excited to be pursued and saying yes to these women’s proposals?
Was it CHRISTIAN men only that you are referring to? Ah, but, the purpose of this article wasn’t to give a biblical dissertation on male and female roles, right? I wonder why, then, this would only apply to Christian men and women?
And, what would you say to me? I was married right out of high school, at 19. I’m still married 20 years later. I was by NO means in quite the conservative model that you detest here, but, with all the hardships I experienced because I ignored the wisdom of the Bible and instead pursued the world’s standards, I’m truly grieved because of it.
Since you stated that “My purpose in writing this wasn’t to give a biblical dissertation on male and female roles,” clearly the Bible is not to be a standard here, nor any interpretation of those standards. What, then, IS the standard in which you are using to come to this conclusion?
Would you tell me that I’m still oppressed, but I just don’t know it? That you would set me free because I feel differently about my life than you do about my life, if only I wouldn’t question you on this and just accept that you’ve done your research and you know better for me?
It seems the standard is based soley on your opinion on the matter, and it’s a tad myopic since you don’t seem to address that being a stay at home daughter isn’t the ONLY reason for declining marriage rates and marital bliss. Certainly, you aren’t under the impression that the current generations are any happier than stay at home daughters?
Certainly, you understand that there are many like me who do not subscribe to your feminism on this view and actually have just a great distaste for it as you have for our lifestyles? Certainly you understand that there are women like me who had feminism shoved on us and nearly broke us in the exact same way you are implying that these stay at home daughters are suffering.
Or, in all of your studies, did you neglect, or simply disregard the feelings of others who come in opposition to your views here, which is WHY we make the choices you disapprove of?
Since we are only using our myopic opinions on the matter, certainly, my response and pity of you is equally allowed? And I WILL admit that my view–try as I might–will always be more myopic than I’d like it to be. But, can you do the same?
Hi M Green!
Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment. I’ll be happy to respond to your questions. I’ll start with a couple of my own.
Did you read the link I shared in the post to have the proper background to my comments? Did you take the opportunity to read anything else I’ve written on this site? I ask this because this post wasn’t written in a vacuum, but is a part of a large body of work here that stretches a number of years. I think context is very important.
I have zero problems with women choosing to stay home with their families. I have zero problems with women choosing not to go to college. I have zero problems with happy families. It makes no difference to me if someone chooses to get married at 19, 29, 39 or 49 if they are happily following God’s lead. (For the record, I lived with my parents while I went to college and for quite some time in my twenties. I married at 29.) I have no problem with someone deciding to never marry.
I have a significant problem with the teaching that is promoted that women MUST stay home with their families and MUST NOT go to college or else they are in defiance of God’s created order. I have a significant problem with it because it is not true. It may be the preference of some families and I have zero problem with that if the daughter is truly given a choice in the matter. But it is NOT a biblical mandate.
Re: some of the other things you said… I truly believe you read a lot into my post that simply isn’t there. If you took the time to read about me, look at the resources I share, and read some of the other posts I have written you would discover a great deal about me that flies directly in the face of some of the comments you have made about me and my beliefs.
I am a professing Protestant Christian. I believe Jesus died for my sins. I have been baptized by immersion as a testimony of my faith. I seek to follow Him each day.
I highly value the Bible and love to study it. I do believe it is the authoritative Word of God.
I don’t detest conservative models. I am rather conservative myself in many ways (which I clearly explain in other places on my website). I’m also not as conservative in some ways although I don’t think I’m liberal. I don’t follow a grid. I seek the truth. I study the Bible. I ask to be led by the Holy Spirit. I draw my own conclusions and I encourage others to do the same. As a result, I’m too liberal for the conservatives and too conservative for the liberals. Oh well.
I don’t hold myself up as the final authority. In fact, I’m quite open in several places on this site regarding that fact that I’m still learning and this is a place I share my research and what I’m thinking about. This entire site is about encouraging people to truly THINK about what they believe. I provide lots of links and information. I don’t tell anyone what to think, but I will point out what I believe are problems in certain views when I am studying.
I am deeply grieved by what I have seen happen in conservative Christian homeschooling circles. I’ve spent nine years following all of this, corresponding and speaking with people whose lives have been destroyed by these teachings, etc. (And, for the record, we are a homeschooling, work at home family.)
I hope that is helpful. I am very sorry for the pain you have obviously suffered. I don’t know that we would come to the same conclusions about some issues, but I would hope you would at least do me the courtesy of understanding who I am and what I am doing here before accusing me of things that I’ve not said or done. If you confess Christ and I confess Christ then we are sisters who will spend eternity together. It would be great to be in fellowship now instead of waiting until then!
Warmly,
Sallie
Hi! Thank you for your provocative thoughts, and solid affirmations.
For what it’s worth, the stay at home daughters I know best, ranging in ages from about 9 to about 23, are familiar with Anne, and are encouraged by their parents to think for themselves and exercise their gifts and initiatives in adventurous ways.
The older girls study what interests them, such as business, music, or conflict resolution, and they track the Lord’s given path in their entrepreneurship and internship. The younger girls exercise their own taste and creativity in hobbies/activities, in addition to learning the prescribed home-school subject matter and domestic/practical skills. They all enjoy jovial sibling fellowship with their peers in associations that foster their presentation, drama, and other public arts.
Cheers and blessings to you and all the youngsters in your life!
Elisabeth
This is an excellent post. You’ve written some beautiful (and true!) things about marriage. Thank you for writing it!
Hi Sallie,
You said:
But overstating is exactly what you have done – not to mention broad-brushing a huge group of Christian families. In any group, you’ll find a few oddities, but to lump everyone together and insult your brothers and sisters by using unproven and undocumented statements like “many, if not most…” (where is this documentation?) to negatively describe the supposed actions and beliefs of a large group of people, is to misrepresent the truth.
I have never believed nor have I ever taught my daughters that “their views. opinions and beliefs are completely secondary to that of their father.” Their opinions on life are welcomed and valued.
My husband welcomes and can attest to the fact that I have confronted him many times in areas where I felt he was blind to a particular sin or subject. We have good, hearty, and sometimes fiery conversations on many topics, and my daughters know that I am anything but a passive weakling waiting for my husband to tell me what to think.
A woman can be submissive and respectful without being a door mat. Sometimes I think people just read things the way they want to read things.
My daughters are/were stay-at-home daughters. Four of our seven daughters are happily married to wonderful, godly men who respect their gifts, their spunk, and their commitment to Christ. Each has a growing, thriving family (7 grandchildren so far) and are glorifying God with their gifts – all while working within the household economy.
While they lived at home, our daughters were active, productive members of our family and our community. They were industrious young women who had an outlet for, as well as the time and freedom to invest in, their gifts and talents. We encouraged them to use them to bless others and glorify God.
No family I know who is raising stay-at-home daughters allows or encourages them to sit around all day knitting or painting their toe nails while waiting for Mr. Right. You’ve created a strawman that exists more in the imaginations of a few bitter critics than they do in reality. Where they do exist, I suspect it is more out of neglect than conviction.
I seriously doubt anyone would be in favor of broad-brushing girls in college who never marry, and are watching their child-bearing years go by (and yes, they do exist) while they chase a career, right? I mean that would be judgmental. Oh wait.
You made some good points in the article. And I could have enjoyed it, had I not felt like you were insulting and misrepresenting a lot of people. I loved your quote below and feel like this describes my marriage, as well as the marriages of my daughters, and others I know. In fact, I used to tease one of those now-married daughters by calling her “my Anne with an E.”
Anyway, I hope you’ll think about what I’ve said. I too have been guilty in the past of broad-brushing people unfairly. And, as I get older, and as I’ve experienced a few fruitless conflicts, I have learned how very unproductive it is.
Grace & Peace
Hi Stacy,
Thanks for stopping by. I will try to respond more fully to your comment later. I would ask you two questions. First, if any of your daughters had wanted to attend college to pursue a degree not available via home study, would you have allowed them to go? And second, in your book Passionate Housewives didn’t you and Jennie Chancey state that if a woman leaves her home sphere that she blasphemes the Word of God (in other words, it is a sin to do so)?
I’m going to link to the reviews of Anna Sophia and Elizabeth Botkins’ book So Much More. It is/was one of the definitive books on the stay at home daughter movement. I’m purposely linking to the one star comments because many of the reviewers describe in detail the issues both with the book and the teaching in general. I’m linking to this for people who come across this stream of comments to clearly demonstrate this is not just me broad brushing a large group of Christian families.
There are numerous people who want to re-write the narrative since the downfall of Doug Phillips and Vision Forum. They were the biggest proponents of this view, but there were numerous other people who also encouraged this and made it very clear that daughters are to be helpmeets for their fathers and their job is to follow their father’s vision. It’s clearly in the full version of the Return of the Daughters movie (which I have watched more than once).
I answered your question in a post I wrote about five years ago (and the short answer is “no”):
Do Working Women Blaspheme God’s Name?
So if one of your daughters believed God was calling her to become a doctor or dentist or missionary overseas would you support her decision to make her own choice as an adult woman before God? Or would you insist that she remain at home under her father?
I am asking to clarify if you mean “no” about the blaspheming alone or also the part about not allowing your adult daughters to attend college.
Stacy, I believe you attempted to clarify the roles of women in the patriarchal world in your book Passionate Housewives Desperate for God along with Jennie Chancey and published in 2007 by Vision Forum. Laying out what you call a “fresh vision for the hopeful homemaker,” the role you declare is “the glorious picture painted for us in Scripture” you use phrases like “rightful place in God’s created order,” “God-ordained womanhood” “biblical directives to women to be wives, mothers, and keepers of the home”, “our respective roles given to us by God” “God has created women to fulfill the unique role of homemaker. That’s all we need to know to rest in our callings.” “God has given women a sphere that is naturally and wonderfully their own to manage and wisely govern.” “Why is God’s role for women so important? Because God says when we reject it, we blaspheme His Word.” “We can walk confidently in the role God ordained for us since the beginning of time.” And homemaking is a woman’s “glorious duty.” All of these phrases make it clear that you believe being a wife and mother in the home is God’s undisputed calling for all women without any qualifications or exceptions. If there is still any question about the role of women in God’s eyes, Jennie Chancey explains why not being a homemaker is a sin in an article she wrote for Vision Forum in response to Pastor Andrew Sandlin who has critiqued these teachings on several occasions. She said: ““What truly amazes me is that Rev. Sandlin can state so confidently that the Bible does not call a woman leaving her God-given, home-based occupation for work outside the home “sin”..…. blasphemy is sin, whether it is spoken verbally or lived before a watching world.” Your book made it very clear the only role for women is being a housewife and not being one is blasphemous and therefore a sin. There is no exception.
The article you referenced was posted to your blog three years after your book was published. Did you change your mind about stay-at-home daughters? Please explain the discrepancy.
It sounds to me that you are quite pleased with your life, and well you should be. But I would be hesitant to criticize a biblical model for patriarchal headship. My own father walked me down the isle 38 years ago and lifted my veil to GIVE me to my new husband to be. What better understanding of a father’s authority in a daughter’s life. A clear demonstration of patriarchy. But that’s not the liberated woman’s theology.
Hi Mrs. N,
Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
I don’t think what I promote here is a “liberated woman’s theology.” If you define that for me, I’d be happy to respond to your point. I do promote Christians studying the Bible and making sure their beliefs line up with the Scriptures when understood in their original form and by their original recipients.
I don’t know if you had the opportunity to read anything else on my site, but I do think there are many reasons to question if a “biblical model for patriarchal headship” is, in fact, biblical. I am not hesitant to question it any longer. I was at one point. But the more I studied the Bible, the more I realized that I really don’t think that is the life Jesus has redeemed us to.
Here is an excellent sermon by Wade Burleson about a woman’s faith being her own and not anyone else’s from Hebrews 11:11-12. Wade is a pastor in Oklahoma, passionately committed to the Scriptures, and also committed to women exercising their gifts in the church alongside men.