Archives

I always have lots of posts rattling around in my head. Sometimes it takes me a long time to get to them. Other times topics come to mind and I feel an urgency to write about them. This is one of those topics. This topic has come up in a few different ways including in correspondence with a friend. I feel compelled to write about this even though I never even considered broaching on my blog. My guess is that God means it for someone out there either today or at some point in the future.

The topic is friends who retreat when they are hurting.

Different people handle difficulties in different ways. Some people need to talk things out. Others busy themselves to avoid thinking about issues. Some people will surround themselves with people, feeling more secure with the multitudes. In each of these situations, the person is still fully engaged in the flow of normal life and those around her are minimally impacted by her choices.

There are others who retreat. And the more they are hurt or overwhelmed by life, the further they retreat. While they may talk to a select few in their lives about their pain or issues, they generally pull back from those around them as they seek to deal with whatever is bothering them.

• They may skip church some weeks because the thought of being around that many people is overwhelming.
• They may choose not to participate in family activities.
• They may miss Bible studies because they don’t have the emotional energy to attend and participate.

This can be confusing to the people around them, especially those whose natural bent is to think that if a person is hurting then they need their friends and, more specifically, the church.

A friend (we’ll call her Elizabeth) wrote to me recently asking for my insight about a situation with a friend (we’ll call her Jane) who had just kind of stopped communicating with her and then had written out of the blue after a number of years. Jane told Elizabeth that she had been going through some very hard times and had needed to take some time.  It had nothing to do with Elizabeth at all. Jane still valued Elizabeth’s friendship. But she had gone through a period of retreating to cope with things going on in her life.

When I read Elizabeth’s letter, it made complete sense to me what Jane had done. It made sense to me because I am the same way. During some of my most difficult times in life I have had periods of retreat where I wanted no one except David and my parents. I didn’t love my friends and other family members any less. I wasn’t at odds with them. I simply had to retreat in the midst of the difficulty.

I suspect that this is hard for some people to understand and I’m not going to say it is necessarily the best way to handle things. But I do understand it and recognize it when it happens.

To the non-retreater, it might feel like your friend has dropped you. It is true that your friend could have moved on. But if there isn’t any reason to think that there is a problem between the two of you, it could simply be that your friend needs some time to pull away and deal with whatever is going on in her life.

So how can someone be a friend to someone who retreats? A few things come to mind.

First, accept that this is the way your friend copes. You don’t have to agree with it or completely understand it to still love and accept her.

Second, don’t pressure your friend to talk about it or try to shame her into engaging in normal life activities. This only adds to the stress with which she is already dealing. Be patient and give her time and space.

Third, encourage her in a way that lets her know you care about her as a friend but that doesn’t pressure her. Send her a card or a note that says you are thinking of her. Tell her you miss her and value her friendship. When she is feeling ready to reconnect again, she will be very happy to do so with you.

Fourth, and most importantly, pray for her. People who retreat only retreat when they are really hurting or going through substantial emotional and/or spiritual turmoil. Pray that the Lord will speak to her during this time and heal her in the midst of the situation.

Photo credit