I don’t have too many parenting regrets at this point. Sure, I wonder if we’ve made the right choice about certain things, but we’ve prayed and researched and made the best decisions we could with the insight we had at that moment. But I remember realizing at one point that I had stopped seeing my child as a beautiful gift from God and instead as a problem to be solved.
And that immediately filled me with regret. It took me aback and made me realize I had to adjust my thinking about her, me, and everything we were doing.
A Child Is Not A Problem
Notice I didn’t say she was a problem. She isn’t a problem and never has been. But she has puzzled me at times, made me scratch my head, required me to spend hours days weeks months years trying to figure her out, and challenged me in ways I never expected.
Parents of children who take a bit more figuring out will understand what I’m saying. Some children are a bit of a puzzle. There are different pieces that don’t seem to easily fit together. Sometimes you can’t even clearly see all the pieces you are working with even though you know they all have to be there because God has created this wonderful little human being! But at times it can feel a bit like trying to put together a puzzle in the dusk with several of the pieces turned over so you can’t see what’s on them. You know it’s all there, but you can’t figure out exactly how it all fits together properly.
The Problem With Seeing A Problem
But seeing a child as a problem to be solved is a problem itself in so many ways.
It may mean you’ve bought into the idea that there is a standard of “normal” all children must adhere to. Seeing the individual quirks of a child implies that there is something “wrong” with your child. The reality is that “normal” encompasses a huge range of variety. Normal should not be based on the expectations written by faceless bureaucrats who know nothing about my child or yours.
When a child is viewed as a problem, your child becomes a project, something to research. We look at her as a group of symptoms, idiosyncrasies, and quirks to figure out instead of a delightful child wired in an amazingly complex but GOOD way.
When we see a problem, we forget that this is her childhood. She only gets one shot at a happy, secure childhood to launch her into a healthy adulthood and we’re the ones that give that to her. Her childhood should not be filled with thinking she is a problem to be solved.
Approaching our child as a problem to be solved rather than a gift to be embraced and enjoyed can cause emotional distance between the parent and child as we deal with the sometimes very strong emotions that come with parenting a child who takes some figuring out.
Embracing The Child You Have
So what did I do?
First of all, I reminded myself that my child is a wonderful human being, created by God, and given to me as a gift to parent and prepare for her own life.
Second, I reminded myself that my child is a CHILD. She’s a little girl. She’s not an adult. She’s not a teen. She’s a funny, thoughtful, kind, creative child and I should do everything in my power to give her the freedom to be exactly who she is.
Third, I reminded myself that trying to search for answers is about making her life better, helping her understand who she is, and giving her the best tools to live her life. It’s not primarily about making my life easier although that will often be a benefit of the journey.
The focus should always be about stewardship of her life, gifts, and person.
Around Our Home In August
Amen, just, Amen. Well said.
Thanks, Kelley!
I love this, and I agree so much. Not only is my child not a problem to be solved, but my child doesn’t have to be just like me. My oldest is seventeen, and I’m still learning.
I am grateful for all that I’ve learned from you through the years. I am a former high school history teacher now homeschooling my seventeen year old son, fourteen year old son, and twelve year old daughter. I don’t comment often, but I’ve read your blog since before Caroline was born. I can’t believe the years have passed so quickly. My daughter loves, loves, loves her stuffed animals, and they all have their own voices, personalities, families, etc. I think you’ve mentioned that about Caroline before. She does have a few dolls, and years ago when she was probably four or five she had a new doll to name. She asked me for a suggestion, so I said “How about Sallie?” Your name came to my mind, and she still has her “Sallie” doll 🙂
If I remember correctly, I think I came across your name through Barbara Curtis’s blog – mommylife. It seems that I remember reading some of your comments and agreeing and coming to your blog as a result. Although my life is very different from yours in some ways, we have many things in common. You mentioned recently about how you’re always processing/taking in information. That is so me. I read that to my husband and said, “See, there’s someone else like me.”
Anyway, there’s a long comment that doesn’t completely have to do with your post 🙂
Hi Karen! I remember you! (I also remembered your email address when it popped up in my email with your comment.)
Thank you so much for leaving the comment and updating me how you are doing. I love the Sallie doll! That is so sweet.
So your children would have been around 5, 2, and newborn when you found me. Wow. Time really does fly. Caroline will be 11 in a few weeks and sometimes I can hardly believe it. The baby and toddler days seem so long ago, but the last six years since we moved here have been a total blur.
So good to hear from you! You made my evening! 🙂
Sallie, I’m not sure you’re still active on this thread, but I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for a gracious, safe place for a weary Christian mom to find encouragement. This post, in particular, is an answer to prayer for me. I won’t elaborate in this space, but your words come straight from the Father to my heart today. I am now following you on Pinterest and look forward to your continued insights.
Hi Vicki,
Thank you for leaving a comment. I do read all of them and normally am much quicker to respond. I’m glad this post was helpful. My prayer has always been that God will bring the right person to the right post at the right time. Sometimes it is years later and it always encourages me afresh to find out. That’s one of the reasons I leave my comments open on older posts. I need the encouragement, too!
Sallie
Thank you for the well written message. It reached me in a timely way today as I lay alone on the bedroom floor of my eldest daughter’s apartment with the door shut. Why? Because we live in TX and our oldest kids and DIL live in KY where they attended college and work. In the midst of waiting for our first grandchild to be born we are staying in our oldest apt and husband is trying to work remote and I’m attempting he with the youngest. But it’s the week after Thanksgiving and we endured an 18hr drive up this week. It’s been a lot. And yesterday attempt to HS was a train wreck I walked away from with both youngest and I wounded. Today started better but we’ve hit all the bumps and potholes I could take so before we derailed completely removed myself for a timeout. And I found your article. She’s not a project! She’s a struggling teen female with all the emotions and needs and feelings. And I need to be patient kind loving long suffering and so much more for her and with her and to her as I teach her to keep going amidst the circumstances and warrior on! Thank you!
Kourtney,
I don’t know if you will see this. I hope so! I thought I had responded to your comment and I see I didn’t.
Thank you for letting me know this post blessed you. What you wrote here was so true.
“She’s a struggling teen female with all the emotions and needs and feelings. And I need to be patient kind loving long suffering and so much more for her and with her and to her as I teach her to keep going amidst the circumstances and warrior on!”
I know that will bless someone who reads here in the future. Thank you for taking the time to say it.
Sallie