When I stopped blogging in March I learned some things about myself. I’ve already shared about the Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and how that impacts me. But there were other changes as well.

As I’ve gotten older (and I can say that now with a certain level of confidence because I’m over 40), I’ve come to that point where I realize I am who I am and there are many things I am not and will probably never be. I’ve also come to terms with the fact that there are many things I was in the past that I will never be again.

There are interests I had that I no longer have. I realized that one day while looking at the books in the living room bookcases. Do I really want to keep all those theology books? Books on women and ministry and women’s roles? I’ve been there, done that, and really don’t have any interest in doing it again. Other books remind me of times of conflict with people when I read books looking for insight and answers. Seeing the books isn’t warm and cozy and edifying.It just dredges up bad memories. And so I sense a half.com listing binge coming on sometime soon to get the books out of the house and to someone else who can benefit from them.

I was voted “Most Likely to Succeed” by my class in high school. I think I’ve always carried a bit of a sense of “You Have To Do Something Important With Your Life and You Need To Be Somebody” because of that. The guy who was selected most likely to succeed is a successful doctor. I looked up his name one day (it is unusual so very easy to find) and found that he was doing what he set out to do.

So I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I realize that a lot of the interests I had just don’t interest me any longer. I don’t have the drive to go after some of the things I thought I might want to accomplish in my life. I’ve lived long enough to understand the tremendous sacrifice a person has to make to achieve some of these things be it career, degrees, abilities, skills, etc. and I don’t think it is worth it any longer. Some people might find it depressing to say “I’m never going to do X or be Y.” I’ve actually found it rather freeing.

I think all of this relates in a way to some of the discussions we’ve had here and elsewhere regarding women who make changes in their lives that seem inconsistent with who they have been up to that point. I’m sure some people in my high school class would be surprised to see what I haven’t achieved in my lifetime. They would find it inconsistent with who I used to be. And yet as I’ve changed and my passions and interests have changed, I no longer have that drive I use to have. I crave different things now like peace and quiet and home. Sleep and relationships and writing. Exhorting others and encouraging others and pointing people to Christ. These aren’t exactly most likely to succeed type activities if you look at them with an earthly eye (unless you end up with a book deal and on the speaking circuit). But they do make me go to bed at night feeling as though I’ve made an eternal difference in the lives of others.

The vast majority of women who blog are in their 20’s and 30’s. This is a time of tremendous transition in a person’s life whether it involves career, marriage, children or whatever. And if a blogger dares to blog about anything other than mundane daily events and offers opinions about life and how to live it, it can be challenging to live up to what you’ve written when the rubber hits the road. This is part of the reason I’ve blogged very little about my convictions on many matters. And even when I have blogged about them it has been more in a processing/thinking out loud way rather than a “Thou Shalt Believe Like Me Or Go To Hell (or at least be an inferior Christian)” kind of way. This is part of the reason I don’t hand out advice on difficult topics and don’t counsel people via email. I might raise the topic, but I generally haven’t written as a voice of authority. I know it can come back to bite me. Some might say this makes me wishy washy in my convictions. But those who have been around the block more times than I have would probably nod their head in quiet approval because they’ve been there, done that, and learned their lesson.

I’ve made the decision not to share too much about how we are raising Caroline. She’s entitled to her privacy and I also don’t feel qualified to be handing out childrearing advice. Now if you want advice on how to work at home with your spouse and be married for a long time and then have a child when you are older… I’m your gal! I could definitely talk at length about that topic. But beyond that? I’m keeping my mouth shut.

However, I have shared things about my life and as long as I continue to blog I’ll continue to share bits and pieces about our life. It is rather inevitable. But if I came on here tomorrow and said that David was taking a regular job, it wouldn’t invalidate all the great things I’ve written about working at home together. Those things would still be true. But it would also be true that God was leading us in another direction.

And if I came on here and said that we were going to send Caroline to preschool a couple of mornings a week, it wouldn’t invalidate anything I had said before about enjoying being at home as a family and such. It would just mean that we were being led in a different direction.

And yet I’m quite confident that if I came on and said that we had changed our mind about this or that, that there would be people who would be disappointed in me or disillusioned or would think that somehow I was weakening in my faith. Somehow there are Christians who are unwilling to let God lead his children in different and unexpected ways in secondary matters. I don’t know if it is because they feel threatened in their own convictions when people change their minds or what. That would be for another post.

But let’s face it. All of life is theory until you get into it. Life after high school. Life after college. Working. Marriage. Parenthood. Whatever. It is all theory. And you can anticipate what you think will happen and what you think it will be like, but until you are in the thick of it, you don’t know how God will lead. You may expect life will be A, B, C and you end up with Q, F and K.

I’m not the same person I was at 23 (when I graduated from college) or 29 (when I got married) or 39 (when I became a mother). And when I am 49 I won’t be the person I am today. I was a teacher and now I’m not. I was a Baptist and now I’m not. I was in campus ministry and now I’m not. I was very actively musically and now I’m not.

Letting those things go doesn’t invalidate any of them or mean that God didn’t call me to do them. They were for a season and now I have the blessed opportunity to move on to another season. And so I’ve been getting rid of all kinds of things from the previous seasons of my life. I weeded piles and piles of file folders full of writing topics that no longer interest me as a writer. I’ve purged clothing. Books will be leaving. I am who I am today because of my past, but I have to believe that God has so many more exciting things for me ahead. Rather than feeling adrift because I’m not the same person I was all these years, I am feeling excited that I get to be and do something new and different.

And so that is why I was so struck by the Oswald Chambers quote I found the other day and posted here:

Beware of harking back to what you were once when God wants you to be something you have never been.

I’m excited to become who God wants me to be and see what new experiences and opportunities He has for me in the days ahead. I’m glad He loves me enough to entrust me with new responsibilities and ministries and doesn’t leave me to do the same things my entire life. God is a creative God and He is out to create something beautiful in each of our lives in the years ahead.