Last week we decided we finally had to change our internet and email hosting. We had had spam and connectivity issues for many months, but just never had the time (or made the time) to get it done. Finally it got to the point where even if David didn’t have time to deal with it, he couldn’t not deal with it any longer. Suffice it to say that when it was all said and done, it took six days to get it accomplished. At one point we thought I had lost all my email, but fortunately (or unfortunately?) not. However, we are now happily on our new hosting and it is a relief to not have the issues that have been plaguing us for so long.

Caroline is teething some of her back teeth and has been rather miserable. I miss my happy little girl. She’s also going through separation anxiety. She is so clingy right now we’ve taken to calling her Velcro. When we aren’t calling her Velcro we’re calling her Our Little Peemer (Perpetual Motion Machine). I don’t think the child understands the word RELAX. Hmmm… I wonder where she picked up that genetic trait?

Her vocabulary has taken off in the past few weeks. In retrospect, I think she has been saying some of these words for a long time, but we just weren’t totally sure. She says Daddy, Mama, that, what’s that, bye-bye, down, and all done. I think there are a few more, but these are the ones we’re sure of.

David and I continue to find balance a real challenge. Someone remarked in a comment here a number of months ago that I sound like I am a highly productive person. I am. I always have been. I don’t know how to be any other way. I find myself continually struggling with feeling like I don’t get enough done. Lately I have been especially frustrated because for the first time in literally years I feel quite well physically and I also feel highly motivated professionally. And I just can’t find the time to make much headway professionally right now. And so I feel frustrated.

There are many things I understand on a whole different level now that I have fourteen months of parenting under my belt. I would say I always believed these things to have a degree of truth in them, but I have had moments in these past months where I had a very good idea of how others felt. And just to avoid any hard feelings, please don’t be offended by any of these comments. I am not saying people are right or wrong in feeling this way. I’m just saying I have a much greater appreciation for why people make some of these choices.

• I know why parents park their kids in front of DVDs. Baby Einstein videos have looked mighty tempting more than a few times in recent weeks.
• I know why women who are highly motivated, successful and find reward in productivity go back to work after they have children.
• I know why people decide not to have children for fear of how it will negatively impact their marriage. Having Caroline has, of course, been a blessing and we would not trade her for all the tea in China. But becoming parents has not done anything to improve our marriage. It has been a drain on it.
• I know why moms get depressed and feel isolated. Honestly, I don’t know how some of you do it. You have many more children than I do and you don’t have a husband at home. Some of you don’t even have your husband in the country because he is deployed abroad. I CANNOT IMAGINE doing this alone all day, every day. I really can’t.
• I know why God designed peak fertility in men and women when they are much younger. Being an older parent is harder physically.
• I know why sleep deprivation is used as a torture tool.
• I know why people experience Precious Baby Syndrome when they have a child after waiting for so long. No matter how much you make an effort not to think and act that way, it is very hard to get out of that mindset.

I was doing some Googling yesterday about some different issues related to Caroline and found a few websites I found extremely helpful. Not because they had all the answers, but because the moms were honest and forthright. None of them were even remotely Christian sites. It was encouraging to read other women were going through similar issues. Frankly it was helpful to read other women say, “It s*cks, but it gets better.” Sometimes I get tired of reading Christian mothering sites and magazines where everything is spiritualized and everything is made out to be glorious and transcendent. I’m sorry, but some parts of motherhood are just hard. Yes, I am building for eternity. Yes, Caroline is a gracious and wonderful gift from God. But sometimes when I am tired I don’t want someone to quote Scripture at me. I just want them to say, “It stinks, but you’ll get through it and it will end.” I don’t know. Maybe that makes me a less spiritual Christian in some people’s eyes. Oh well.

I thought about not writing this post because I know some people might be disappointed by what I said. But I have discovered that very few people are going to be challenged or encouraged or blessed if I just blather on here about how cute Caroline is or what funny thing she did. Yes, there is a time for those topics. But I really believe that for all the single women and married without children women who read here, I would be doing them a real disservice if I only prattled on about all the great parts of motherhood and never said things like having a child has taken a toll on my marriage or I know why women go back to work. You know, that is the reality of things.

So that is where we are right now. Yes, we are loving being parents. Every month is honestly easier and better than the one before. I’ve always loved babies, but I know that the best parts of parenting for me are probably still ahead. Every day my relationship with Caroline becomes more verbal and that is so great for me. Every day we get closer to doing real life stuff together like dusting and making cookies and folding laundry and discussing books and going out for hot cocoa at the bookstore. Those are the things that I really look forward to doing. Every step that gets me a little closer to that just increases my joy.