Last week we decided we finally had to change our internet and email hosting. We had had spam and connectivity issues for many months, but just never had the time (or made the time) to get it done. Finally it got to the point where even if David didn’t have time to deal with it, he couldn’t not deal with it any longer. Suffice it to say that when it was all said and done, it took six days to get it accomplished. At one point we thought I had lost all my email, but fortunately (or unfortunately?) not. However, we are now happily on our new hosting and it is a relief to not have the issues that have been plaguing us for so long.
Caroline is teething some of her back teeth and has been rather miserable. I miss my happy little girl. She’s also going through separation anxiety. She is so clingy right now we’ve taken to calling her Velcro. When we aren’t calling her Velcro we’re calling her Our Little Peemer (Perpetual Motion Machine). I don’t think the child understands the word RELAX. Hmmm… I wonder where she picked up that genetic trait?
Her vocabulary has taken off in the past few weeks. In retrospect, I think she has been saying some of these words for a long time, but we just weren’t totally sure. She says Daddy, Mama, that, what’s that, bye-bye, down, and all done. I think there are a few more, but these are the ones we’re sure of.
David and I continue to find balance a real challenge. Someone remarked in a comment here a number of months ago that I sound like I am a highly productive person. I am. I always have been. I don’t know how to be any other way. I find myself continually struggling with feeling like I don’t get enough done. Lately I have been especially frustrated because for the first time in literally years I feel quite well physically and I also feel highly motivated professionally. And I just can’t find the time to make much headway professionally right now. And so I feel frustrated.
There are many things I understand on a whole different level now that I have fourteen months of parenting under my belt. I would say I always believed these things to have a degree of truth in them, but I have had moments in these past months where I had a very good idea of how others felt. And just to avoid any hard feelings, please don’t be offended by any of these comments. I am not saying people are right or wrong in feeling this way. I’m just saying I have a much greater appreciation for why people make some of these choices.
- I know why parents park their kids in front of DVDs. Baby Einstein videos have looked mighty tempting more than a few times in recent weeks.
- I know why women who are highly motivated, successful and find reward in productivity go back to work after they have children.
- I know why people decide not to have children for fear of how it will negatively impact their marriage. Having Caroline has, of course, been a blessing and we would not trade her for all the tea in China. But becoming parents has not done anything to improve our marriage. It has been a drain on it.
- I know why moms get depressed and feel isolated. Honestly, I don’t know how some of you do it. You have many more children than I do and you don’t have a husband at home. Some of you don’t even have your husband in the country because he is deployed abroad. I CANNOT IMAGINE doing this alone all day, every day. I really can’t.
- I know why God designed peak fertility in men and women when they are much younger. Being an older parent is harder physically.
- I know why sleep deprivation is used as a torture tool.
- I know why people experience Precious Baby Syndrome when they have a child after waiting for so long. No matter how much you make an effort not to think and act that way, it is very hard to get out of that mindset.
I was doing some Googling yesterday about some different issues related to Caroline and found a few websites I found extremely helpful. Not because they had all the answers, but because the moms were honest and forthright. None of them were even remotely Christian sites. It was encouraging to read other women were going through similar issues. Frankly it was helpful to read other women say, “It s*cks, but it gets better.” Sometimes I get tired of reading Christian mothering sites and magazines where everything is spiritualized and everything is made out to be glorious and transcendent. I’m sorry, but some parts of motherhood are just hard. Yes, I am building for eternity. Yes, Caroline is a gracious and wonderful gift from God. But sometimes when I am tired I don’t want someone to quote Scripture at me. I just want them to say, “It stinks, but you’ll get through it and it will end.” I don’t know. Maybe that makes me a less spiritual Christian in some people’s eyes. Oh well.
I thought about not writing this post because I know some people might be disappointed by what I said. But I have discovered that very few people are going to be challenged or encouraged or blessed if I just blather on here about how cute Caroline is or what funny thing she did. Yes, there is a time for those topics. But I really believe that for all the single women and married without children women who read here, I would be doing them a real disservice if I only prattled on about all the great parts of motherhood and never said things like having a child has taken a toll on my marriage or I know why women go back to work. You know, that is the reality of things.
So that is where we are right now. Yes, we are loving being parents. Every month is honestly easier and better than the one before. I’ve always loved babies, but I know that the best parts of parenting for me are probably still ahead. Every day my relationship with Caroline becomes more verbal and that is so great for me. Every day we get closer to doing real life stuff together like dusting and making cookies and folding laundry and discussing books and going out for hot cocoa at the bookstore. Those are the things that I really look forward to doing. Every step that gets me a little closer to that just increases my joy.
I’ve Finally Found What Completely Wigs Me Out As A Mother
You wrote “Maybe that makes me a less spiritual Christian in some people’s eyes.”
I don’t think so at all. In fact, in my opinion, this makes you seem more real. Life is not all roses and light. There are tough times, there are good times, there are okay times, there are fantastic times. That is life. That is no reflection on your spirituality. I get discouraged reading blogs of people who appear to live “perfect” lives. That may be because mine is far from perfect.
I know what you mean about motherhood. I adore my children, I wouldn’t trade them for the world. But they drive me nuts. My kids are older (16, 18, 21 and 22). I don’t feel appreciated or even loved by them most of the time. I should say that my oldest has lived away from home for the past 4 years and has recently returned home. Her attitude is different. There is hope, I know that self-centeredness is a teenage “thing”. And they are good kids for the most part. These are just some other things of the joys of motherhood that you can look forward to. LOL
I appreciate your honesty and your “real-ness” (is that a word?). That is why I read your blog daily. Thank you.
Let me just say, Sallie, thanks for the honesty!!! And the understanding
And I have to tell you, you are a stronger woman than I… I DID use Baby Einstein, and it now takes a LOT of restraint to not over-use it when I want to get something done!
Hi Sallie,
Just a “hang in there”…my 4 children are older now (9-19) and my life is SO different than it was when they were 0-9. Over the last couple years I’ve been learning to cook, started blogging, and had time for tackling things I never had time for when they were smaller. I’m a big classic movie fan and last year I watched as many new-to-me movies as I did in the entire *decade* from 1995-2005. (Yes, I know this because I keep track of my movie viewing, grin.) And it is *so* much fun to share so many things with them! All my kids are movie fans, 3 of my children are big book fans, my youngest daughter loves to bake, youngest son loves to cook, we all follow NASCAR and USC football… It probably doesn’t make it any easier getting through this sleep-deprived clingy teething time (I called one of my children the koala bear because I couldn’t put him down!), but it really *will* end, and you *will* get to enjoy all those things you mentioned looking forward to sharing with Caroline!! It’s hard to see it now in this blurry, tired, unproductive-feeling time, but just a few short years — even months — from now you will tangibly see how much you accomplished with the very hard work you are putting in.
I don’t think you’re a less spiritual Christian if you don’t want Scripture quoted at you all the time…maybe when that happens (even speaking of looking for help for your concerns at websites), you don’t feel as though your thoughts have been heard or validated? I think sometimes a person has to feel “heard” and understood (as when someone at a website with a similar problem says “Yes, it does stink, but it will be better”) before you’re ready to turn back to Scripture for encouragement. I believe God helps us in many ways, and He probably knew finding the “non-Christian” websites with other moms discussing issues was exactly what you needed. 🙂 🙂
So nice to find your post this evening!
Best wishes,
Laura
Hi Sallie. I know I mentioned as a comment in one of your earlier posts that we have live-in help. I have a wonderful husband with flexible work hours, but honestly, I don’t know how we would survive having a baby without the live-in help. My two older kids are 11 and 8, then we have Josh, 9 months. The huge age gap is because we lived in the US for three years and the idea of having a baby where I could not afford live-in help was too scary. I honestly admire you, and all US moms who manage a home and raise their kids and still have time for other stuff. I suppose, by God’s grace, I would be able to do it if I were in that situation, but I don’t want to be!
That being said, I still feel a lot of what you have/are going through now with Caroline. I guess what keeps me going this time around is knowing that IT WILL GET BETTER! Caroline/Josh will grow up and let us have some sleep at night. They won’t cling to us like velcro. They won’t need our attention almost every minute of the day.
(And then I’ll miss all the precious things that come with having a baby! Sigh.)
I don’t think you’re unspiritual and I thank you for being so honest in your blog. One of my greatest gifts from the Lord is a friend who loves me and doesn’t judge me or wonder if I’m really a Christian, no matter what I say or feel! She has helped me through many rough spots just by listening to me and praying for me when I share things I cannot share about to others for fear of judgment. (And I’m not talking about sin here, of course we do need friends who love us enough to point that out if needed.) I hope you get some measure of that from your readers. 🙂
Hello from a bleary eyed, messy housed, unmotivated, frustrated mummy :)….OK, so it isn’t that bad, but I thought ‘yep, yep, yep’ as I was reading that post. Working one day a week was a life line after I had Daniel, and having felt quite well since having Matthew I have been champing at the bit at being more confined to home especially as I do not have the car much. Intellectually, I am enjoying Daniel much more now- he will be 3 in Feb, and it is great fun watching him learn and hearing him speak…but I can honestly say that at the moment he only gives me a break when watching a video or asleep…and then you add a 5 week old into the mix……………………………………….But I agree, I wouldn’t be without them. Honesty and pratical advice are great. Spiritual help is needed to cope…but scripture, whilst setting principles for family life and child raising does not tell you how to cope with the various issues of child rearing. The Lord has made us a sociable people with common sense (?!)- we are great rsources to each other.
This girl across the pond can sympathise greatly 🙂
Sallie,
Your honesty about parenthood and that you actually view untypical sites on the Web – well done. You give me hope with your normalcy and lack of rigid prescription.
You’re doing o.k.
Ann (a parent of 27 plus years)
Thank you for your honest assessment of being a Mommy. You’re right, most Christians tend to glorify the sacrifice without giving an hionest assessment of what it takes. As the mommy of two little guys( 3 1/2 and 18 months) I know how you feel. I wouldn’t trade being home with them, but there are days when I wish I could catch a break from them.
I can’t imagine how it must feel for you having had Caroline at an older age. My first was born when I was 27, so the adjuustment to staying home came after only 5 years working professionally. To adjust to being an at home mommy after so many years in the professional world has to be extremely difficult.
Honestly,my husband and I are planning on homeschooling, and it scares me to death at times! Why? Because it means having them with me all day every day! Sure there are many benefits and rewards to look forward to, but it also requires tremendous sacrifice!
You’re right the first year is tough, but so are the next ones for new reasons: delving into discipline and heart issues, increased activity levels, and verbal demands on your time…to name a few.
As Christian moms why don’t we just tell it like it is and then commit to encouraging and edifying one another instead of criticising? It pays to have at least one good friend who will really listen to your struggles and then encourage you in the midst of them. I am so thankful to God for that friend.
Hi Sallie,
I love your honesty, it’s rare. Children are a gift from the Lord but like us they are sinners, we need the Lord’s help so much as we bring them up.
Great post!
Now…maybe you can explain “precious baby syndrome?” I maybe suffering from it! 🙂
Thank you for your honest assesment. I would never have guessed that everything I went through when My children were young was because my children were young, I assumed it was because I was young. by my third anniversary I was the mother of a 6mo, a 20mo and a 7year old. it wasn’t easy and being newly married and only 21 my tiredness & the common strains of motherhood also formed the foundation for how I related to my husband. I remember that third year of marriage as being the hardest (looking back I now see it was also the time I was under the most physical stress) Now that the youngest is nearly 10 we are working out new ways to relate in our marriage, more mature ways to relate.
I think there is a pervasive idea that raising children is easy, so if you’re having trouble it must be your other circumstance that are the root cause of the trouble.
All this to say I would have >assumed
err.. half my post didn’t appear
…. “Assumed” that because of your situation(spiritual, relational, and fiscal maturity)motherhood would be easier on you than it was on me. Perhaps this is why you didn’t receive the sort of support you were looking for in Carolines first year. Maybe those around you assumed that it was the other circumstances in their lives that made parenthood so hard, therefore if those circumstances were different…
could be that this mindest is responsible for some of the frustration/lashing out aimed at you when you bring up how hard babyhood is, **many of us have thought for so long “If only XYZ was different, this wouldn’t be so hard”** So along comes Sallie, with a mature spirituality, stable marriage, and comfortable finances, and you say “this is hard” and instead of changing our thinking, (the act of raising children is hard) it is more common to back lash with “not as hard as *I* had it”
I think the second half of my post got longer when I re-typed it. I have the thrill of a new *Idea* upon me and my brain won’t let it go.
Parenthood is hard regardless of circumstances, wow!
Mrs Nehemiah
Yeah, right there with you. I look forward to nap time every morning, and I’m afraid of what will happen after he gives it up one day. How will I ever entertain this child all day? I don’t want to give in and start letting him watch tv, but it’s oh so tempting. And my extroverted self has a hard time with being at home alone as much as I am. The suburbs are isolating… especially when the latest statistics show that only 20% of households with kids have a stay at home parent. What happened there? Just thought I’d let you know you aren’t alone… =)
I’m glad you felt you could be honest about this. It’s one of those areas where I rarely feel the freedom to be honest because it seems that that would either: A)give homeschooling stay-at-home motherhood a bad rap or B)make me out to be a complainer. And I don’t care for either option!
Seriously, though, although I do believe that I’m doing the right thing by being home and homeschooling (just our oldest so far), there are days when I’ve said to myself, “I want to QUIT!”. More days than I’d like to admit. I think some of it stems from selfishness, but not altogether; truthfully, I don’t just love constantly being with a 7 YO, 3 YO, and 15 month old (and #4 due in Jan), and the years when dh is deployed just make it that much worse (pretty much every other year right now). I miss the mental stimulation of a job. And when the lupus is kicking up, I’m exhausted as well.
I don’t know if there is an easy answer to all this, but I think you’re right that it would be so much better if we were all just honest and tried to help and encourage others. The people who say they NEVER feel this way, well, kind of irritate me. I think they’re either nuts or lying!
Thanks for all the great comments, ladies!
One thing I neglected to write in my post and that several of you brought up or alluded to… Long-term perspective does help and I think that is one of the benefits to being an older parent. I have gone through some challenging situations before and come out on the other side. Having experienced that helps me remember that this too shall pass. As I said, it does get better every month, especially as Caroline gets more independent. I’m REALLY looking forward to when she can walk with me and stand next to me for thirty seconds while I move the laundry around in the basement! LOL!
Ann (6) – If God can speak through a donkey, He can speak through the random website found via Google. 🙂
Courtney (7) – You reminded me of one of the “I know whys” that I forgot. I know why women send their children to school and their husband to work. There have been more than a few times I pondered what it would be like to send Caroline to school and David to a regular job. I still plan on homeschooling and I love having David here, but there have been moments when the alternatives looked mighty attractive already…
Louise (9) – Precious Baby Syndrome is the idea of being overprotective of your baby/child when you finally have it because you have either waited so long for her or because you have gone through so much in order to have her. That isn’t to say that every baby isn’t precious. Every one is absolutely precious. But people who have struggled to have a child for whatever reason tend to struggle with being extra cautious, etc. because the child has come at great cost whether emotionally, physically, financially, etc.
more in the next comment…
Mrs. Nehemiah (10-11) – Good thoughts! I hear what you are saying. Believe me, I’ve thought numerous times over the past two years (pregnancy and motherhood) that it would have been so much easier if XXXXXXX. I can’t get into what would go in the X spots because I can’t talk about it here. But I know that Caroline is really a pretty easy baby compared to a lot. I do think circumstances have made it harder. For example, the first eight or nine months I couldn’t even lift her out of her crib in the morning and carry her around without being in a lot of discomfort. That placed a tremendous burden on David because he had to help me so much. I think every one of us carries our own burdens as parents and we should remember that God gives us our individual burdens as He sees fit. For some it is a husband who won’t help. For others it is famiy far away. For others it is a challenging child. Or financial problems. Or whatever. God allows us to have the problems we have because He deems them good for us. I have to remind myself of this regularly and not compare myself to others.
Ellen (12) – I suppose it would sound very unspiritual to say that I live for the afternoon naptime, but it is true. I LOVE NAPTIME!!!! And evenings after she is in bed. This introvert loves the quiet of Caroline’s sleep time. Sometimes it is what keeps me going. 🙂
Oh, how I loved your post today. My son is just shy of 10 months, and I already know what you mean. Just the other day I told someone that while I would never do it, I understand why people shake babies. I don’t condone it, but I understand how it can happen.
As for me, though, reading “This, too, shall pass,” isn’t helpful. Of course it will pass! I want someone to help me figure out how to get thru the day-to-day in the meantime. I need help today, not cliches about how, “Oh, someday he’ll be all grownup and you’ll miss it!”
The first year of parenting is HARD…I don’t care who you are and what age, etc.
I was 22 when I had my first. Looking back, I was such a naieve baby! I hardly believe the staff at the hospital let me take such a tiny thing home being a baby myself 🙂 We were so young and poor, but we had a blast. It was a hard, hard, hard year. But I wouldn’t change it for anything.
It seems to get easier as you find your stride, but it is always hard to parent. And expensive! 🙂
Thank you for your refreshing honesty. That is why I love your blog Sallie.
Wow – what honesty! I am SO glad you wrote this post Sallie. Being transparent and honest is so rare these days in this area, especially (dare I say it?) among our sisters in Christ. Being in one of the categories you mentioned (and you know my story!) that is different than most of the people in our lives. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone talk so honestly about parenthood. I applaud you for being such a tremendous inspiration to the Mothers out there that have similar experiences, but are apprehensive about speaking out. Love you Sis!
Oh I so love it when you write honestly about issues like this. It is such a refreshing change from other sites.
Here I am with a clingy, teething 11 month old who stopped sleeping through the night 4 weeks ago and with a military husband who has been deployed most of the year (and we already live overseas away from family) and there are days when even I start to wonder how I do it. Some days I have so much fun, and other days I just want to break down and cry. I think that *is* the reality of parenting.
Like you I do find it easier with each passing month and long for the day when he can walk and talk be just a bit more independent.
Great post! Our marriage went through tremendous strain the first year (our only is 7 now). All the unresolved problems snowballed when a fussy baby came into the mix. Through the grace of God we have walked through the dark times and have a wonderful marriage now, but the thought of starting over with another baby is just not something I want. We have a wonderful, well-adjusted son and a close marriage, and I could not ask for more. We often hear about how close a baby brings a couple (and there are definitely moments), but nobody mentions the ongoing strain of sleep-deprivation, constant crying, and misguided expectations that a couple can face. Thank you for your honesty. It’s always good to know I’m not the only one who has struggled. And yes, it gets so much better!
Thanks for an open and honest telling of what parenting of often like – hard and frustrating. Would love to hear more about “precious baby syndrome” – abit of that here and I could use somebody else’s perspective.
As an adult who grew up in a home-school environment, may I suggest that you don’t make too many decisions ahead of time. Keep the option open, but don’t burn your other bridges. Once we A-types decide on a course of action, we have difficulty when we have to reassess and discover that our decision wasn’t the wisest one. We feel like we have failed, or have not been persistent enough. I was home schooled, and while it gave me many advantages, it also was disadvantageous in some ways. For one thing,I feel that it was very detrimental to my relationship with my mother. Our two personalities could not handle 24-hour proximity! My husband and I did a couple of years of home-schooling with our own three children, and then we decided that it was not for us. Of course we continued to teach spontaneously at home; but traditional school was best in our case.
I wish we could all be more honest about how hard parenting is and how your marriage can take a hit. Maybe we wouldn’t have such high rates of dissatisfaction if we were all more honest and we could all lower our standards of perfection a little bit?
I found 18 months to be the hardest age. The combination of the mobility plus the lack of communication skills. Oh my.
I can’t relate with understanding how going back to work could be easier. I usually sit here and say, Oh, how could I do all of this AND work too? I seriously doubt I could!
Great post.
~ Ann
Ann- for me, working one day a week did not make life easier as such but it made the week easier to get through- having one day away from mummy duties and doing something different. I have found that breaking the week up (ie- husband has monday off, tuesday we’ll be at home or son will go to nans, weds we go to tumble tots etc) makes it easier. Having something different to do each day- even if it is only walking to the village post office.
As our kids get older and we get busier (they are only 5 and 2) my husband and I will look at each other on those rough days and “Children are a blessing from God? This is torture!” Not the most spiritual or loving thing. But honest. Each part of parenting has blessings and problems, I am finding with a kindergartner right now I’m having a new set of things to learn. I know toddler-hood, now we are moving into school-hood. But it’s when you get to have those fun moments that make everything worth it.
I know for me professionally I was able to stay home with my children for the first year and I’m so thankful that I did, but I needed to go back to work, not for the money, but because I needed to have an outlet other than being at home with my kids. I have wonderful people who look after my daughter while my son is in school, she’s happy, I’m happy and that makes everyone in our family happy!