Do Moms Need “Me Time”? was originally published March 9, 2009, on my previous blog to accompany a poll I had in the sidebar. I’m republishing now it as-is in 2015 because the discussion is an interesting one. I was tempted to edit it since I would word things differently now. But if I did that, the discussion that follows in the comments might not make as much sense. It’s really striking how a phrase as simple as “me time” can mean such wildly different things to women who have quite a bit in common.
At the time I originally wrote this, Caroline was two and a half years old. She was a pretty high-maintenance baby and toddler.
I will add my current thoughts about “me time” later in a new comment.
Do Moms Need “Me Time” Regularly?
I’ve seen different places around the internet that suggest that moms, especially Christian moms, don’t need “me time” or time to themselves. In fact, to want “me time” is deemed selfish and sinful.
Not to try to tip my hand or skew the poll, but didn’t Jesus himself go off alone?
Maybe I’m just being awfully simplistic in my view that everyone – including mothers – need time alone. But some of the stuff I’ve seen makes it sound like a major sin or character flaw if a woman needs time to herself.
And from my perspective, if would be downright dangerous for some women not to get time to themselves.
I usually don’t say this much when I post a poll, but I have to say that this teaching deeply concerns me. What conclusions have you come to about this topic?
Feel free to vote in the poll in the sidebar and leave a comment!
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Sallie,
I haven’t kept up on the “me time” debate. Actually, I was only vaguely aware that there was such a debate among Christians since my experience with the concept was purely secular and did NOT include the things in your definition such as getting a shower. So I am just curious–are there really folks out there who would say that it is selfish for a woman to go take a shower? If so, well…I had no idea! Yikes…
If it is any comfort at all, you will be amazed at how much easier it is to care for Caroline in a couple of years. You are walking the harder part of the road right now, at least in my experience. You also have the additional complication of an only child. My oldest was still an only at Caroline’s age, and I vividly remember how taxing it was. When they do not have a playmate, they expect Mommy to fill that void and it is just plain hard sometimes. So I will be praying for you as you navigate that. But as they get older, they get more independent and Mom gets better at the job, too. Just two weeks ago we got in the car and TWO WHOLE KIDS could buckle themselves in and I was so relieved. All of the little tasks like that add up to a lot on hard days, but soon they are gone and what is left is this really enjoyable older child.
I have been one of those who find “me time” occasionally suspect.
While I acknowledge the need for down-time (I need it too much to pretend anyone else doesn’t), the context in which I first discovered the debate was from the other side: that it was about asserting one’s rights.
At that time I wrote a post about helping your husband help you to that me-time, while simultaneously warning an acquaintance that demanding it was too close to “lording over” her husband.
Now I’m with the earlier commenter that said it has to vary based on the couple.
One of the dangers I’ve seen on this topic is the woman sticking it out and sticking it out until she can’t handle it any more and she has to get demanding and ungentle and controlling. The husband may be insensitive, or he may simply have been trained by his own wife’s choices and responses. Re-training should be expected to take a corresponding amount of time
(If one has the gift of breaking things into small steps I think that is more the way to go.)
Another angle of this is related to what Becky said about giving the dad a reciprical time. When you/he get that oppertunity for him to go, it is a *tremendous* blessing to let him know you’re doing well.
While there are times we need a break so bad we don’t care how hard it is for Dad (or the babysitter) I think more often we are better able to relax and have a good time if we know things are peaceful while we’re away. In the same way, if it looks like we can *never* hold it together, even when Dad is home, how is he going to feel about leaving us?
Of course he’ll take it– he needs it too, after all– but does he need the extra burden of knowing how hard he’s making it on us? Now that I’m aware I try not to do that to him. And I find the up-side of working to appear… especially competent during those times, is that my husband has begun expressing pride in my capabilities, and seeing me as more competent in my work. And I find his increased confidence in me encouraging too.
Thank you for the continued insightful comments!
Brandy said:
I have to be honest and say that I get plenty of “downtime” from David. He is very good about that because he knows (even just from life before we ever had a child) that if I don’t get time to myself, I’ll turn into a loon. And even that much more now with a toddler. But your comment about Mommy (and Daddy) being the playmate is very much where we are. Since we are both here full-time, we are here to “trade off” throughout the day. But finding the balance between our various roles, especially getting enough time to work, is by far our biggest challenge. But we also know this is only for a season and it continues to get easier each month. And thank goodness the warmer weather is just about here! I think mothers of toddlers who live in cold places deserve an extra medal of honor. It is SO much easier when they can go outside and play for a couple hours a day! 😀
Sallie,
Somehow my computer gets “stuck” on one of your posts. That same one will come up each time I visit your blog…Then when I hit the refresh button I realize I’ve missed some really good stuff. All that to say I know I’m late to the comments here, but wanted to share just a bit from personal experience. (I couldn’t take the time this morning to read all the comments so this may have already been included.)
I’m pretty convinced that it isn’t only mothers who need some “me-time.” My children seem to be much kinder to one another if we have a little “room time” around here. Room time for us is when the children are too old for naps, but need an hour or so to be by themselves. When we don’t make time for room time in our day the children tend to get cranky and have less patience with one another. If it’s been a particularly busy time around here, my children begin to ask for room time. It’s like they instinctively know that we need time to think without all the busy-ness.
I think your example of Jesus being alone is our ultimate guide. Thank you for posting.
Speaking as this thread has been about introverts and their different needs, here is, perhaps, a highly applicable quote for those of us in a two-introvert marriage (that is to say, is resonated with me):
“A good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude, and shows him this confidence, the greatest in his power to bestow.” (Rilke)
I do a great deal of writing (in terms of ratio), and my husband likes to do programming in his free-time. “Guarding” one another (and negotiating reciprocal times) has been very important to our relationship and internal well-being.
–And sorry about how long that last comment got.–
I also think “me time” is a very bad name, and implies selfishness, especially the way I’ve seen it used in certain circles.
However, I am a strong introvert and do need a break sometimes, and I do think God wants us to have solitude and time alone with Him.
It was harder with the first, actually, with two, either I’m more used to not having as much time alone, or they play together more and I actually get more time for me and just don’t realize it, I’m not sure, it’s not like I’ve kept a log or anything, and sleep depravation enters into it for the first 6 months of each child, at least. Actually, a lot of it is a blur.
My daughter is very good at helping out with her brother and playing with him, she has been since a young age, she started playing ring a round the rosy with him from the time he could cruise but not walk, he was very good at the “all fall down” part, and they both had a blast and laughed hysterically. She knows what he can and cannot do better than me at each stage of his development and comes up with games they can both play.
Plus, with the second, you see your first doing more on their own and being self-sufficient and giving you a break on their own, and realize that it’s just a season for the 2nd, for the 1st it just seems different. (My daughter is an introvert, she would go to her room for time alone. My son hardly ever goes to his room for time alone, but they’ll play together upstairs without me now from time to time.)
High intensity children are tough when they’re little, but a delight when they’re older (they’re fun when they’re little most of the time, too, just draining!) Now that my daughter is almost 7, she’s to the point where I can have interesting discussions with her and really enjoy her as a person. She also is very sensitive to my needs, and will tell her little brother, “Leave mommy alone now. She needs to study E-say-uhs (Isaiah) for her homework, let’s go play!” (She has her moments, too, don’t worry!)
When my husband was deployed for 4 1/2 months, I started them up in AWANAS. That break was a real blessing while he was gone, it is hard when you’re away from family. I don’t know how the single moms do it, 4 1/2 months was tough, and my parents come out for a week and my MIL came out for a week to help!
I would call myself an extrovert and the need for time without company is just as much a need for me. While being extrovert I am also quite sensitive to noise, movements and light so quiet and alone is something that I do need to be sometimes, the more stimulae I have gotten the more often and for a longer time. Also, I have a need for company with for example just my child (I work outside the home and she goes to daycare) and with my husband and close friends without more people around. As I am quite extroverted one of my ultimate times of relaxation is when I visit a relative of mine. She has a big family of grown or mostly grown children who love to play with my daughter and she loves playing with her as well and I do not need to be as active in watching my daughter while I can still be as social as I like and also retreat to another room to read or rest while knowing my daughter is safe and can come to me if she likes and I also get to hear people be around me even though I am not asked to be involved in activities if I go away for a bit.
However, with that said, sometimes the need for me-time is taken to an extreme by some parents. Sure, we all need to be able to continue doing some of the things we did before we had kids but do you really need to do all your hobbies, all for as long as is possible? If your life was extremely busy before you had kids perhaps you do need to reconsider your me-time to be able to provide for your child. For example I heard a person I know complain that her mother had only babysat her child two times this week and now she would have to opt out of one of her activities. As someone who more or less has zero babysitting help outside my husband and the occasional visit by my daughter to one of her friends, two nights of babysitting in one week seemed like a dream in particular when it was so that she could do her hobbies. I am really glad for her being able to have such support but I must say I felt she was complaining about nothing. If you do not have much opportunities for babysitting you will soon realize that while alone-time is wonderful and really rewarding you can often do without it much more than you think before you have children. I used to crave it for long periods but when I for a period had to cut out of it more or less completely I noticed that it was indeed possible although perhaps not enjoyable. To be quite honest even though it is a strong need for a person it might be a good idea to try to do without and see how it really affect you just like someone who does not crave it could try to include it anyway.
Yay! I finally got a chance to read this- it’s been flagged on my desktop forever but I’ve been waiting for… alone time! Yes, Sallie, I’m right there with you. I can’t see how folks could think that moms DON’T need “me” time. How do you keep giving if your tank is empty?
Thanks for this!
Cait – I know! I can’t give if there isn’t anything left in me. 🙂
I find this subject to be hotly debated everywhere. For some, their children and husband are their entire lives and they find fulfillment in that. I find no fault with them. In fact, more power to them. For others (like me), I struggle with feeling like I’ve lost my identity at times and need that “escape” to just feel like a normal person. “But if you wanted normal, you shouldn’t have had a kid” is what I’ve been told… by non-parents. So my identity and everything that makes me “me” goes out the window the second I birthed my Mini-Me? I don’t get that.
Tina – I agree. Even though motherhood requires sacrifice, I don’t think it means completely giving up everything we are/were in the process. I love my husband and daughter, but I’m still my own person. They are not my entire identity although they are a huge part of my life.
I wrote this nine and a half years ago. So interesting to go back and read the comments as I’ve grown as a mom, experienced things I never could have expected, etc.
I’m more convinced than ever that moms need a break. And if they have a gifted/2e kid, they really need a break.
That isn’t to say they always get what they need, but they need it. I feel like a different person now that Caroline will do things on her own for hours at a time. My brain actually fully functions now most of the time. I’m really grateful. Some of those years were really hard on me mentally and emotionally.