One of the greatest dangers of the blogging world is the temptation to compare ourselves to other women. Although I think all women compare themselves to others to some degree, I think it can be an especially insidious problem for Christians.
Not only are we supposed to look good, have a fabulously decorated home, and raise beautiful children, but as Christians we need to be godly, holy women who manage our homes perfectly, educate our children perfectly, serve God in our churches perfectly, and do a million other things perfectly.
I am very careful about the blogs I read. I’ve learned over time that I have to be discerning. There are too many blogs out there that are fabulous and provide ample fodder for Satan to divert my attention from my calling and unique life situation.
I stopped reading almost all blogs written by women who have large families. Some of the ones I enjoyed reading in the past are written by wonderful women. But the constant theme of large families is not edifying to me. I read very few crafty blogs. The last thing I need is more craft ideas. I don’t need craft ideas. I need time to do the crafts I already have and enjoy doing. I don’t read anything cooking related. I’ve got plenty of recipes here in my home to try already. I don’t read the blogs of women who have all the theological answers. God has the answers and I need to ask Him. I avoid blogs that reduce homemaking down to formulas and lists for success. I’ve got plenty of those books around here already.
Most of my favorite blogs are written by women who write about their faith journey and the questions they have. I like those blogs because they remind me I’m not alone in my journey and that others struggle as they try to understand how to love the Lord their God with all their heart, mind, and soul. I like reading women who are willing to share their struggles and their thinking with the world because I think I can safely assume that they are real women, real sisters in Christ who hunger and thirst for more.
It is my hope and prayer that no woman will ever come to my blog and leave demoralized. I hope no woman will ever read here and think I have it all together or that I have all the answers. Instead, I hope women will come here and be challenged to a new way to think about something, a new idea to take to the Lord in prayer, or a fresh realization of who they are in Christ.
I felt compelled this evening to write this and encourage others to consider where they spend their time online. I think blogs can be a tremendous blessing. But I also want to encourage those who might have an unhealthy or even sick addiction to blogs that leave them feeling demoralized. Walk away from them. If a blog leaves you feeling like you can never measure up, don’t go there. Whether it is crafts, cooking, homeschooling, frugality… If you go places that drag you down, please stop.
Find the places that truly bless you and point you to Christ in whatever way that is meaningful to you. Let the rest of them go. Go to the places that edify and draw you closer to your family and your God. Be wise and avoid giving Satan a foothold in this area of your life.
Kim
You’re right. There are so many good blogs out there. I like a little bit of everything. It keeps life interesting. Lately, my blogs of choice have been theological blogs, namely, those that explore the history of the faith. Sometimes I go through a decorative home blogs phase, or a cooking blogs phase. Sometimes I just want to be entertained. Sometimes I want to be stretched. That’s the beauty of the world of blogs – it’s so big. I decided awhile back not to keep guilting myself about this whole blog thing. So much good has come to me through them.
Cathy
You made some good points here…this has been on my mind lately and I need to purge my blog-reading list. I do enjoy some of the large family blogs, simply because I’m trying to learn how to manage one well (we’re not a “large” family by some definitions but just had our fourth), blogs about practical questions related to faith (more than theoretical ones which I then spend a lot of time on when I need that time elsewhere), blogs about easily-doable ways to help the environment, etc… . At first I really enjoyed the kind of blogs that talk about beautifying your home or cutesy craft projects, but found that all that “perfection” made me feel like less, and most people writing those things have only one or two children and a husband who isn’t gone every other year.
Susan PA
I can really relate. I had to stop going to the blog of a personal friend (whom I am truly fond of) — because when I went to her blog, it made me feel so inadequate (in a social sense). Long story, and hard to explain, but my husband asked me to stop, and he was so right. It is much more peaceful just not going there.
We do have a large family, but sometimes the “large family” blogs really don’t make me feel good either, because they seem SO ORGANIZED and TOGETHER in how they handle things. 🙂 Our family life is a lot more “free-flow.”
Good message. 🙂
Susan
Tammy
Sallie, great post. In the last few months, I have drastically cut down the number of blogs I read. I have 40 blogs in my feed reader right now — that’s down from 80+ just a few months ago.
I actually am sleeping better since I cut down the number of blogs!!! My mind was always racing over what everyone was saying. I can’t believe the peace it has brought me to not be “gallavanting” over the blogging world every day.
To start with, I cut out the blogs that I wasn’t interested in. Then I cut the blogs out which raised my blood pressure–yes, there were a few of those! For whatever reason, the manner in which the blogger wrote or what they were writing about did not sit well with me. Then I cut out the blogs which I had previously liked, but wasn’t really enjoying that much.
Like I said, my life is so much more peaceful since I haven’t been reading so many blogs. It also has (unintentionally) left me with less blog topics. Oh well…
Ann
You are so right on this one. I have a one blog I visit, but I am starting to realize that it is dragging me down, albeit subconsciously. It’s going to be a hard one to break away from, because I’ve been reading and posting there for a while, but there are a few non-negotiables that I am starting to realize I am in disagreement on with 99.9% of the women there.
On the other hand, I can enjoy blogs even if I don’t agree with someone 100%. Because, is there ever anyone who has the same exact life and experience and thoughts as you? It just depends what the differences are, I guess, and how strongly I feel about them.
As a homemaker and SAHM, I am drawn to blogs about women at home, because I need that, especially since there are so few of us it seems these days. Like you said, blogs about cooking and crafts, and heck, I’ll throw fitness and dieting in there, well, they just remind me about what I already know and I have my own projects in those areas, thank you very much. I also don’t enjoy blogs by women who constantly wax poetic about nursing. Again, good for them, but I don’t need to read about it.
I’m finding myself gravitating towards only uplifting content. While I do want to hear other perspectives, I don’t want to argue and debate, especially about mothering.
Lindsey @ ETJ
I have the opposite problem…I worry everyone who reads my blog will be as wacky as I am! 🙂
Seriously, I quit reading super mom blogs a LONG time ago. Too much pressure, guilt, whatever you want to call it.
I *love* your blog because you are a very honest, down to earth person. You get “it”….the Christian life isn’t perfect, and neither are we. I like your blog for that very reason, you are very real, Sallie.
Much love from NC….
Beth
Thank you, Sally, for voicing exactly what I have experienced. I am currently replacing my blog reading for just the reasons you have cited. My past reading left me feeling guilty about my faith, my marriage, my home, and the way we educate our children. God gently reminded me that there is no longer any condemnation for His children. If my mind is twisting things into condemnation I can be sure the enemy is at work. I have felt so much healthier as I go through this process. Thank you again for writing this post!
ashley @ twentysixcats
This post has great timing, Sallie! I have been struggling with the exact same thing. I am considering taking a blog writing and blog reading sabbatical… I think I need a break from all the wonderful women whose blogs I read! I also have decided to pare down my list. What’s hard I think is when you feel that you have to stop reading the blog of a personal friend – there is one I would like to stop reading, but I think she’d get very offended and since I value her friendship I don’t want to hurt her.
Marianna
Great thoughts. When I first started reading blogs I read lots of “perfect house” blogs and boy did I start feeling as if my own perfectly wonderful home wasn’t quite good enough.
I’m actually struggling right now with my own blog and what exactly I want it to be…I see the need for more humility, and I’ll readily admit that that is a hard thing for me to grasp.
Marianna
Lizzie
The only blogs that have dragged me down are negative blogs–where the author is always steaming at someone.
I don’t mind reading craft blogs, or hearing about people’s ideas. If it’s not something I need, I just pass it by.
I wonder though if people writing these blogs intend for you to feel badly. Probably not. They are probably sharing the bits and pieces of their life that they are comfortable sharing.
Sallie
Thanks, ladies, for the excellent comments and insights.
Tammy – I hear you! My mind is much more peaceful now that I read a lot less stuff online.
Lindsey – So are you saying I’m not a super mom? (big wink!)
Lizzie – I don’t think the women mean to make others feel badly at all. (Well, most of the time. I really do believe there are some bloggers out there who like to prove they are better than everyone else.) But I think we all have our areas of weakness where Satan can prey on us and we need to be discerning to avoid putting ourselves into those situations. For example, I read one particular blog and appreciate what the author has to say. But I rarely read the comments because the comments are almost always very pro-large family and focus on large family stuff. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s great those women have a network of support. But as the mom of an only, it is not edifying and can actually become a drag on me. Other moms of only children might be able to read the comments and not be bothered by it at all. I cannot. I would guess there are probably some single women or women who struggle with infertility who have stopped reading my blog since I had Caroline. I don’t blame them a bit. Reading about Caroline might be encouraging for some women, but for others it could be the equivalent of picking a spiritual scab every time they come here. I don’t mean to hurt them in what I write, but I certainly understand their need to not continue to come here. I hope that clarifies what I meant by that comment. 🙂
Erin
I’ve actually been thinking about the blogs I read on a daily basis and their effects on me. Some are great, and I plan to keep reading them. But others really get me steamed! I spend too much time getting upset about the author’s stance–and sometimes about the author’s refusal to post my comments. Your timely post is making me think it’s about time to devote my time to better things.
Brenda@CoffeeTeaBooksandMe
I have become much more careful at how many blogs I read since my computer time is limited. I have my very, very favorites (like yours!) which are mainly people I’d want to know in “real life”…. the very same type of person I could spend hours chatting with over coffee or tea when time permits.
I have some blogs on Bloglines that are mainly blogs about recipes and decorating. These are the blogs I love to read when I need to “get away from it all”. I may only get a chance to read them once a week or less but I enjoy getting good ideas.
I don’t read blogs that bring me down, especially if they are written by people who only complain about their life and offer no hope or encouragement. As I tell my kids, life isn’t fair so get over it.
Lizzie
I understand what you’re saying.
It’s unfortunate that some people blog to lift themselves up, but since there really are people like that in the real life, I guess they are in the blog world too.
Sometimes when I read about women getting away with their husband, or being able to spend a night home together it hurts. But in my case, I know that’s my own thing and they aren’t rubbing it in.
I do get your point though and I have deleted a few blogs from my blogroll on occasion because they weren’t helping me in any way.
Elizabeth B
That picture of the lovely little desk almost made me feel guilty for a second! We could never have that at our house, we’re all P’s, markers and crayons have to be up high in our house and only come down when we’re working with them. I had to say to myself, “She’s a J with one child, they can keep that neat.” (We only have 2, but one of them is a 2 year old boy.)
We also have to keep our homeschooling manipulatives up high except when we’re using them. And even then, the 2 year old invariably dumps them all out and throws them all over the room. I used to keep special toys up and get them out for school time, but that made as much mess as his playing with the manipulatives, so now he gets to throw the manipulatives around during school. They also like to put the little green ones on their fingers and pretend they’re tree frogs. I’m not sure that that is very educational, but it’s funny.
I have a few authors I can’t read for that same reason, I won’t say their names, they’re helpful to many other women, but they come across too strongly for me, they don’t motivate me, they just make me feel guilty. I don’t read much fiction anymore, either. George MacDonald has spoiled me for normal fiction reading, after reading him, almost everything else seems trite. I am reading an interesting historical novel, however. It’s called Albion’s Seed, Four British Folkways in America. Unlike many histories, it gives a fair and accurate portrayal of the Puritans and is quite interesting so far.
I only read a few blogs now, I also don’t normally read a newspaper or even regular online news too often. I do read real clear politics, it’s a little less depressing than the regular news and kind of interesting right now during an open primary season on both sides.
I also post at a dyslexia forum where I try to help people whose children are having trouble reading–I’ve tutored many “dyslexic” students and most of them were actually suffering from whole word teaching or too many sight words in a phonics program instead of actual dyslexia. The normally touted fixes are quite expensive, I point people to some free and cheap alternatives to try before they spend the big bucks to fix the problem.
Ann @ Holy Experience
Sallie, have you read this?
It resonates with your thoughts… and is very profound.
Soul fodder:
http://dominionfamily.com/blog/2008/01/buenos-noches-mis-amigas/
All’s grace,
Ann
Sallie
Ann,
Yes, I did read Cindy’s post about quitting as well as the one you linked to. But it actually wasn’t that post though that made me write this.
I was reading comments about something else on another blog and someone left a comment that just broke my heart. I wanted to take that dear gal by the hand and look her in the eye and tell her “Don’t torture yourself by going to that blog anymore if it depresses you and makes you feel low each time you go there.” (Well, that’s actually not the truth. My natural inclination would be to want to slap her upside the head and say, “IF YOU FEEL BAD WHEN YOU GO THERE, STOP TORTURING YOURSELF BY GOING THERE!” But I’m trying to learn to be more merciful and less prophetic/exhortational, my natural bent.)
Anyway, yes, Cindy had some good things to say, especially this:
In updating my Favorite Post list in the sidebar and cleaning up my blog a bit by deleting some posts I didn’t need to keep, I reread some of my earlier posts about simplicity and so on. I feel drawn to revisit that theme both here and in my own life now that I am a mother. So Cindy’s post was good food for thought along those lines.
Jen
AMEN! Sallie, you and I are on the same wave length these days. Your recent posts are exactly what I’ve been struggling with. Recently I drastically cut back on my internet time because I realized it was robbing my precious children of my attention. I would sit down to catch up on email or a blog with my children playing peacefully together, only to realize three hours later than I’m still sitting there reading blogs and the children have ransacked half the rooms in the house. I moved the computer into the guest room and only use it when my older child is in preschool and my younger one is napping.
About the blogs, you hit the nail on the head. Thank you for your honesty. I’ve been visiting a particular blog for awhile now and realized last week that I have to stop. It makes me feel so darn inadequate and I’m tired of walking away feeling like I should also be juggling 20 balls in the air!
On many blogs I read, particularly the ones where the family’s life seems so idealistic, I have to wonder if these women are being honest. I’ve never met a superwoman in real life, yet so many of these ladies give the impression that they are just that. I’m sure these ladies are just sharing all the happiness and joy that resides in their home, and how wonderful that the Lord has blessed them so tremendously, but I cannot relate to a life with preschool-age children that is only sunshine and rainbows. I cannot relate to women who can care for little ones, complete hobby after hobby, task after task, project after project, all while they homeschool their oldest and Hubby is working 40+ hours a week. Quite frankly, it’s mind-boggling.
Sara
Sallie,
I agree. There are too many blogs to choose from anyway – you might as well spend time online wisely. I write a blog that is not very traditional – it’s reflections and thoughts on scriptural truths using old hymns as a jumping off place. I write it mostly to encourage myself as I am in the midst of a wilderness in my life. But I pray that it is also an encouragement to others. There are some blogs I started reading and realized they only made me feel inadequate and regretful about the place I am right now. I don’t need that! I know God has the plan for my life and that He will work it out in His time! Thanks for the reminder.
Sara
Shannon
Wow, Sallie–I have a post scheduled to go up in the morning on the very same subject. It’s a topic near and dear to my heart. I’ve had to give up some blogs over the years because I just found myself continually frustrated.
Peregrina
Sallie~
This is an excellent question!
I have culled the list of blogs that I read down to about 20…and they are very diverse. I find them all uplifting in some way. I did quit reading a couple that, even though I usually agreed with or was challenged by the writers, the commenters were so combative that it drove me crazy! I have a few that are theological, a few that are “women’s” and a few that are decorating/frugal living.
I am a very fast reader…and this allows me to not spend too much time on blogs. Every once in a while, I start hitting link after link after link and end up wandering aimlessly. This is not good for me!
This came up somewhere else in the past couple of days, that often things that are “good” are not always the “best”.
Sallie (a different one)
Sallie — I was so encouraged by reading this. I actually quit blogging before Christmas because I am one of those types of people who share everything in my life and try to be open and honest about my successes and failures and give God the glory for it all. I was so beaten down by comments and emails from others (family even who used my prayer requests as fodder for attacking us theologically) that I realized I couldn’t keep blogging and be an excuse for others to sin. I still have my favorites bookmarked and subscribed too and I read when I can but I just can’t write for now. I think the hurt went to deep. I’m glad I read your post and it put a new light on it.
God bless,
Sallie
Jo Anne
Wow, great post Sallie. I have numerous friends who have been caught up in the blogging world and are either addicted to computer time, or unknowingly impacted by the blogs – in a negative way.
I have been protected from this issue due to time constraints, which I know is God’s grace for me. However, when I do have time to surf or blog reading, I haven’t been attracted to blogs by other women who write on lifestyle issues. I tend to read (with the little time I have) blogs in other countries (there are several in Ireland in small hamlets that are a blast to read; one post was about someone’s sheep running wild in the town high street!) or on historical issues. Perhaps I can offer a suggestion to those who have time – reading blogs that take you away, that give you a few moments of escape and uplift you????
Jo Anne
Ooops, I should have prefaced my post by saying that I read Sallie’s blog since she is a dear sister in Christ and a long time friend. I love her, trust her, believe in her, and respect her opinions.