I’ve been wondering about this for a few months so thought I would throw it out there for comment and discussion.
How much focused time do you/did you spend with your toddler(s)? By this I mean time where you are totally focused and playing with the child. So don’t include time when she’s playing at your feet while you do the dishes or when you take him to the grocery store.
I have to confess that I struggle with this regarding whether or not I give Caroline enough focused time each day. We’re all home together so she is around either David or me all day. The exception would be when we have a sitter come over a couple mornings a week for a few hours or we are gone away from the house on business. But she is with us a lot. However, a lot of that time is not focused attention but time in our proximity.
So how much time do you give to your child each day? Did it vary by child and their personality? I think Caroline would be happy to have our undivided attention all day, every day with just a few breaks off by herself here and there. She seems to vastly prefer playing with someone/having company than playing with something.
I realize she is still young, but this is one of the main factors that makes me revisit the idea of preschool and private Christian school on a somewhat regular basis (as opposed to homeschooling). She’s going to be an only child so I wonder if she would be happier with other people for part of her day rather than two parents who are juggling schooling and work.
Anyone willing to share? 🙂
Well, most of my time when Christopher was a toddler was spent running after him and keeping him out of trouble. He was very hyperactive (and I was an older Mom!).
I loved to do special early child education “stuff” with Stephanie but we didn’t spend time on such things every day and when we did, only about fifteen at at time. We did read to her a little each day, too.
Mostly she followed me around when it was safe. I put her in the high chair in the kitchen (for safety reasons) and talked to her while I was cooking. When she was older (old enough that I didn’t trip over her), she had her own bottom drawer in the kitchen filled with pots, pans, Tupperware, and stuff like that.
The one huge difference between having an only child (as she was for twelve years) and siblings around is that you do end up spending more time with the child just because you and your husband are the only ones there most of the time, not necessarily playing with them but they become a part of your everyday life.
Sorry this is so long. 🙂
Yeah, I’ve been wondering about this myself. My son also doesn’t seem to want to spend much time playing by himself. He is an only at the moment.
I think I honestly spend less than an hour with him in concentrated play time each day. He’s a marathon napper, so that accounts for a good bit of time each day. His daddy is also a big player, so that contributes, too. I do less. I have guilt over spending this little time just playing with him. I feel like it should be more. He doesn’t watch tv, except very rarely, so the rest of his time is spent following me around or playing with toys.
I may spend more than an hour playing and reading with him on some days. He’s a huge reader, and I feel guilty about turning him down when he brings me a book, which is often.
Sallie, I loved being an only child and even as totally sociable as I am, I think I would have loved being homeschooled. One of the things I really enjoyed growing up was spending so much time in an adult world. I think it challenged me to think outside the box and not to be too dependent on peers. I can remember how much that environment stifled my creativity.
I spent a lot of time with each of my children reading one on one. And my husband often took just one of them with him on errands, chatting in the car. When they got older, that time paid off as it opened doors for them to talk to us about lots of things that I think they would probably have talked to friends about, for good or for bad. 🙂
I think that this need-lots-of-attention stage is common in toddlerhood. I think I noticed it most with my firstborn (who was an only child for almost three years). This is because certain types of play are best accomplished in a group or at least a pair. If there aren’t any other children, then Mommy is asked to participate. I was not (and still am not) a natural player, so this was always difficult for me. Homeschooling has actually made all of this a lot easier. We have lots of together time each day that is totally structured and planned out.
I think when my oldest was Caroline’s age, I tried to do something outside the home once per week: library storytime, play date at the park, something. Even though I didn’t always particularly enjoy it myself (because I’m an introverted homebody), I found it broke up the week just enough to keep the peace.
I agree with ThatMom that spending time in the adult world is exciting for children. Early on, I was really in to being efficient so that I could get everything out of the way and do “fun stuff” with the children. Later, I realized that working together (even though it was slower) had its own value, added to my alone-time with various children, and was truly enjoyable if I determined to make it so.
I think I’m rambling here. It’s one of those days. 🙂
Anyhow, I think the question of homeschooling v. private schooling is very different from how much time alone we spend with a child. Saying that a child needs daily undivided attention is different from saying that a child needs to be daily immersed in a peer group for hours at a time. I think that deciding between the two might require some thoughts about what you value most. For me, even if we could afford private school (we can’t), it isn’t appealing. I like the depth of our learning, the ability to pursue individual interests, the bonding provided us as a family (just to name a few), too much to give it up. A child in my family attending a Christian private school came home using the f-word the other day. I don’t homeschool to protect my children (we have other aims), but I do consider limiting and also monitoring their peer interaction at their tender ages to be a definite side-benefit.
I have five children (ages 7, 6, 2 years and twins at 5 1/2 months), and this issue has been on my mind for at least 6 years now! My older 2 are in public school, and the younger three are home. I’m a SAHM.
My first child craves someone to play with instead of the something as you mentioned. I was able to give him gobs of attention and somehow my life was more organized, the house cleaner, and life wasn’t as hectic. . . imagine that, LOL. Still, I found he wanted to be around other kids and enjoyed a classroom setting. Outside of Sunday School, I put him in a 2 days/week half-day Christian preschool, and he thrived.
My 2nd child was born more independent and very content to play with the something instead of someone. I put him in the same preschool program, and he hated it. He preferred being at home doing his own thing. So I kept him home the next year. He has thrived at home. Learned to read on his own. Builds incredibly inventive things with his legos. . . but he still knows how to get along in a group of people just fine. He started kindergarten this year, and we were afraid he’d be bored. He’s doing fine altho we worry he’s not being challenged at all academically and will grow complacent about school/hard work.
My 2 year old is somewhere inbetween her brothers (she’s our only girl) when it comes to solitary play vs. interaction with a person. I try to spend 30 focused minutes with her daily, but with twin babies that’s even a challenge. We spend at least 20 minutes plus reading with her each day outside of that. And I involve her in my everyday chores. I haven’t decided if we’ll try to enroll her in a mother’s morn out program, but I just do not think preschool is necessary. . . It’s all about whether they enjoy it. AND I’ll just say it: I have zero help from others. My parents and in-laws live hours away. I could use a couple hours by myself, getting chores done, etc. I don’t take breaks. (I’m nursing while I browse the internet.)
It’s not make-or-break, I think. While I’d love to spend all day focused playing and interacting solely with my kids, it’s just impossible! Parents of old didn’t do this. I think experiencing everyday, real life(chores, errands, etc) is just as valuable.
My experience so far has shown me that different children need/want one-on-one time in varying amounts. My older child (age 6) CRAVES it. After he spends the morning at private, Christian school we spend a solid hour together doing various activities (reading aloud, playing games, clipping coupons, speech therapy) while the toddler naps, and then he has some room time of his own.
While the 2 year-old enjoys one-on-one time, especially reading together, we tend to do it in smaller chunks throughout the day. Of course, he is with me all day, every day while his brother is at school so we have more opportunity. Being the second child I think he enjoys the companionship of his older brother as much, if not more, than me.
It’s hard for me to put a time measurement on daily one-on-one time but it is something that I strive for, even if it means including my kids in what I’m doing (baking, cleaning) instead of me always joining their world.
Such great responses (and an email!)! Thank you!
We do involve Caroline in a lot of “work” around here. She helps set the table, carries things to and from the table. She likes to help with all kinds of cleaning – vacuuming, dusting, wiping down floors, picking up, drying dishes, putting away the groceries, putting towels down the chute, making the bed… She craves REAL LIFE stuff and we try to involve her as much as we can. It takes a little longer as Brandy said, but it also helps accomplish two things at once – keeping her entertained and getting something accomplished! I think she would be perfectly content doing real things with us all day. But we have to do our paying work too! 😆
We also do get her out and about at least a couple of times a week in addition to church. She loves people, especially adults. She loves an audience! She does fine with other children, but I can already see she is more comfortable with adults and loves to chat once she gets warmed up which takes just a few minutes under normal circumstances.With other children she is more of an observer at this point which is totally normal. But she has no problem jumping into the conversation with adults!
Great thoughts! And very encouraging. Thank you! 😀
I second Brandy’s comment here is very good. She said, ” I think the question of homeschooling v. private schooling is very different from how much time alone we spend with a child. Saying that a child needs daily undivided attention is different from saying that a child needs to be daily immersed in a peer group for hours at a time. ”
Also, all of my children preferred interactive time playing with someone as opposed to playing with something. For me, the struggle was always more with my guilt when I was doing something in which a toddler could not actively participate. But once I realized that my toddler’s ability to entertain herself was a part of her life and that life didn’t revolve around her, then I was much more at ease with how the day went.
You should start looking for someone to homeschool with her! Given your educational background, it would probably be easier and most cost and time effective for you to do this than to pay for schooling (Especially for K and the early elementary years when the teaching time needs are much lower than an actual school day.) You could find someone her age, or someone a bit older or younger–and, it doesn’t have to be every day, you could find someone who needs help in a subject or two or a homeschool mom who wants to work or take a break a day or two a week.
Also, I would recommend against any school that teaches more than a handful of sight words–and that’s very rare, even among private schools. I spent 10 minutes a day using Webster’s Speller and no sight words in K and at the end, our daughter was able to read of the KJV. It’s also been very successful for my remedial students.
Our daughter needs time alone each day and only needs a little time with us. She is 6, but has been this way since she was little.
Our son would be with someone 24 hours a day. He is 3. Luckily for him, sister is homeschooled, so there is someone for him most of the time with her to share the day with him as well as me!
The only time I’ve found him alone in his room is when he’s sneaked something he’s not supposed to eat up there and is hiding from us.
Just wanted to say I am struggling with the same questions with my toddler, both in terms of one-on-one time and schooling (he is an only child too). The daily life activities you do with Caroline sound exactly like what I do with my son. On top of that I try to give him several 20-30 minute chunks of time throughout the day of undivided attention – reading, puzzles, activities, etc.
I have to say the schooling question doesn’t have to be an either/or thing. We are looking at putting our son in pre-school because I think he would enjoy the opportunity to interact with other kids and adults in that type of environment. But then we are planning to homeschool him for the elementary/middle school years when he can work a bit more independently, travel easily, etc. High school might go either way depending on his preferences, need for structure, academic performance, etc.
There are so many great resources, co-ops, etc. out there that I think its possible to mix-and-match traditional schooling with homeschooling based on the child’s needs.
I grew up only, and I can say that I would have not flourished being homeschooled. I LOVED coming home to my peaceful, quiet home, and to my parents of course, but I really needed to get out and be with other kids too.
I think it really has to do with the child’s personality though.
I don’t really have an opinion on whether homeschooling is a good or bad thing (both hsing and regular school can be done well or horribly IMO!), but I do know it wouldn’t have been good for this only. 🙂
I don’t “play” with my children alot. But they are with me, on me, beside me, involved with me MOST of the time. We did a puzzle together today, (7yo with Ellie (3) on my lap) but I don’t get out the My Little Pony’s and lay on the floor and play. I will be the “other” Mommy sometimes if Ellie is playing dolls, she will hand me one and say “you rock this baby to sleep” or whatever and I will do it, or I will be sitting at the computer and she will bring me a cup and say “I made this for you” and I will sip my tea. They do want my attention almost ALL of the time in some way or another, I think that is totally normal.
I don’t get down on the floor and play with my kids that often, either. I’m a SAHM and my husband works from home, too, so our family is together all the time. The kids get our attention whenever they need it, obviously (despite Mommy not being very creative and imaginative). 😳
I thoroughly understand your dilemma, though. Togetherness takes on a whole new meaning when a family is sharing the same space 24/7. Our older child goes to Christian school, however, all of the class sizes are very small. There are 5-10 kids in each of the elementary/middle grades, and currently the high school has 4 kids in each grade. We’re fortunate to have this gem so close by because it’s very much like a quaint homeschooling environment. I’ve always been very interested in homeschooling, but with our son enjoying his classmates and teachers, it’s not something I see pursuing seriously unless this particular place is no longer an option for us.
For me, it’s about an hour or two a day, mostly reading. Our little girl entertains herself pretty well, usually by getting into things that we don’t want her to get into!
Sorry I’ve been MIA! I hope to respond to these great comments later today! 😀
Hi Sallie,
I still read your blog, although I don’t find too much time to comment. Selena is 27 months now, and I have a new baby girl who is almost 8 weeks old.
I used to spend a lot of undivided time with Selena before I got pregnant with Shana. I spent some of my pregnancy feeling guilty that I wasn’t doing as much, but I tried to fit in what I could.
Lena and I probably spend two hours together where I am giving her my undivided attention – and those two hours are hard to scrape together. In the morning, we have breakfast together, just the two of us. We talk during this time. We probably spend an hour reading a day (on a good day). Her bubble bath times are just mommy and me times too.
She spends an hour in her room with the door closed playing by herself. Also, she, like Caroline, loooooves “helping”with daily things. It does set me back quite a bit, but I think it means a lot to her. She naps for 2.5 hours in the afternoon and sleeps 12 hours at night. She is VERY much of a mommy’s girl, so she is my little shadow for most of the day!
I struggle with guilt for not doing enough “fun” things with her — we used to go out a lot together — but right now I can just manage the library! 🙂
Sorry this comment was so long, by the way!
Hey sallie—stopped by to comment and tell you that I am sort-of-kind-of blogging again. Come by and say hello if you can. I miss my former blog friends.
And to comment on the school/only child thing. Well, I’m an only child myself, and I loved school. I was very social and had lots of friends at school. I was one of those weird kids who was playing school when I wasn’t AT school. Maybe that’s why I became a teacher.
You know we homeschooled the kids the past 3 years and they went to public school this year. It wasn’t ideal and it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but I needed to go back to work and there is truly no affordable private school around here I see eye-to-eye with doctrinally (the one I do see eye-to-eye with is about $15K per year per kid!!!)
I was so, so worried about it. But the wonderful thing is, my kids are LOVING school. They love it. I am happy they are happy.
So you do what is best for YOU, dear Sallie. And for Caroline. You tune everyone else out and go with your gut. God gives us mothers that gut-intuition. I think it is kind of like a Mommy’s Holy Spirit Radar (sorry if that is offensive!) If you feel it pull one way or another, that is usually your answer.
Caroline is happily watching a video of herself last Christmas. She is fascinated with “Baby Caroline” right now and has been having a blast watching DVDs of herself the past couple of weeks.
So a few minutes here finally!
Re: the schooling thing… My default thinking is homeschool. I’m operating from the assumption that we will homeschool, but I’ve been around the block enough times in life to know to never say never. So I’m trying to also be open to God leading us differently.
I’m also focusing on making the best choice for all of us. I certainly want to do what is best for Caroline, but not if it is detrimental to me or David or our marriage. We may have to make a choice that is good for Caroline in order for it to be best for all of us. Making a choice for a child that is detrimental to the parents is not the best choice for the child no matter how great it may seem. I am certainly willing to sacrifice for my child to a point, but not to the point where it is unhealthy for me or David or our marriage. So I do think about Christian school because I think it might be better for the three of us collectively.
However, the problem with that is finding a Christian school that I am satisfied with! That is the con of being a former teacher. You know too much! LOL! There is a plethora of Christian schools where we live. TONS of them. But most of the ones I’m acquainted with don’t fit with my philosophy of what I would like for Caroline.
So anyway that is my thinking. The only child/social aspect is just one aspect of it all. We’ll see how things unfold in the years ahead. 🙂
This is difficult, because it’s easy to just do the things that need to be done. My toddler entertains himself very well and I must admit that it’s easier to just leave him alone than it is to make the time to spend with him. I need to work on this more.
Very convicting, but thank you for that!
Jennifer