I was blessed in many ways to be spared the idealism of creating the perfect birth plans and birth experience six and a half years ago when I had Caroline. Although I had wanted a baby since I was a teenager, I had never been romantic about the delivery process. I’m not big on pain and no matter how anyone spins it… birth involves pain. I was interested in the child. The delivery process was just an unavoidable necessity (if I’m going to be truly frank).
Over the years numerous doctors told me that I would likely not be able to deliver naturally and so when I did become pregnant and my OB/GYN told me the same thing, I was not terribly surprised. I had a planned c-section after a high risk pregnancy. The c-section turned out rather traumatic and my first days of motherhood were not really blissful. But I had a baby. And my baby and I were both healthy and safe. That was really all that mattered to me.
I wrote Caroline’s birth story and shared it here about a month after I had Caroline. I don’t really think about it much because, frankly, it isn’t necessarily a memory I want to revisit. In fact, when Christian shared her birth story with Little Sister (complete with lots of pictures), I was surprised by how much it stressed me out. I seriously had to walk away from the computer and stop reading. I could feel my blood pressure and stress rising with each sentence. The images and story had too much in common with my own.
In Put Down Your Birth Plans: How Idealizing Motherhood is Causing Post-Partum Depression, Lauren Lund discusses how both the culture and the church have created a bit of a monster when it comes to motherhood. She writes:
Even the Church has gotten in on the baby-glamour action. Many religious circles over-correct the push for women in the workplace by putting too much emphasis on affirming ladies to have and rear children. The Church is supposed to be a place of community, vulnerability, and support. By idealizing motherhood, the Church can actually cause mothers to compete rather than support one another. It can also set up women who don’t want to, or can’t, have babies to become the object of inappropriate judgment. Life is always a good thing, and having children is a cause for celebration. But it is also hard, and it is not for everyone.
Lund goes on to write about her own experience with post-partum depression (PPD). She writes that once she realized what was going on, she talked to other women who overwhelmingly shared their own difficult stories. Unfortunately many women suffer alone out of shame or fear of being judged.
I am thankful that David worked at home when I had Caroline. I believe God knew that I could not handle alone what was coming. Looking back, I think David and I both suffered from depression the first six to nine months. We were both home all day with a demanding high need baby and shared the challenges of understanding this spirited infant who didn’t follow the advice we received from every direction. I truly believe that if David had been working full-time away from home I would have ended up with severe PPD. It was hard enough with both of us there. If I had been alone… God knew me better than I could know myself and in His infinite grace he put David at home to be there with me. Between the two of us we muddled through in sharing the parenting duties and, yes, even shared the depression.
I measure my success as a mother in terms of the big picture, not what kind of a birth experience I had. I am a steward of Caroline’s life until she is old enough to assume control of it herself. Caroline is a gift. It’s my privilege to take care of the gift, nurture the gift, and present the gift back to God. He has purposes for her life that I can’t imagine. In stewarding this gift I’ve been given I ask God to direct my choices that impact Caroline. I study her. I try to figure out what makes her tick. I try to discern what God might be trying to do with her so I can cooperate with Him and His loving plans. I define my success as a mother by my willingness to work with God where Caroline is concerned.
The birth was just a brief blip in the span of my life. It was a brief sixty minutes when God presented me with a precious gift I had waited literally a lifetime for. But the birth was not the defining moment for me as a woman. I could list many other things in my lifetime that have frankly defined me more as a woman and person in Christ.
I find it incredibly sad that there are women right now who feel like failures because of a failed birth plan. We are so much more than a birthing process. Birth does not define us. It is a miracle to be sure. But it is only a tiny moment in this grand life that Christ offers us.
judy
April 30, 2013 at 5:33 pmI LOVE this.
Jen in ON
April 30, 2013 at 7:27 pmAmen, Sallie! Thanks for sharing this. I had my son in the car, so I know all about having a birth you don’t expect! 😉
Sallie
April 30, 2013 at 8:51 pmJudy – Thanks!
Jen – At least you got a good story to tell out of yours. LOL!
susanne
April 30, 2013 at 9:13 pmI got ppd with my last one (he’s 19 mos). I got anxiety attacks in the 3rd trimester and then the night he was born, something “flipped” in my body. I had HORRIBLE flu-like symptoms, everything in my was on high alert. I could not sleep, I was exhausted! My anxiety attacks were getting worse and I was so tired that some days it was all I could do to get out of bed. Nothing got done. The male OB-GYN suggested I see the PPD nurse, but I thought I would wait a bit because it felt like I had the flu. I had horrible chills. It was like my body had been dipped in menthol (I felt cool and tingly). My head would swim, my vision was blurry, and I was super afraid of going into stores. It was such a 180 for me. I am normally a calm, practical, steady person. I endured it for a few months and went to see the female OB-GYN in our practice. She confirmed it was PPD (after a few other tests) and told me it would probably hang on until I was done breast feeding. I had never heard of that. I started on Zoloft which helped the anxiety attacks and kept me mellow, but it did nothing for the horrible fatigue and other weird symptoms. I thought about weaning my baby, but figured that he might be my last and he was 6 mos at this time, so I just tried very hard to do the minimum and get by. I kept thinking that it was almost over. PPD doesn’t usually hang around this long. My husband (thank GOD!) started working from home earlier in the year, so he helped with carpooling and support. I don’t think anyone understood how hard it was. My family doctor kept checking my thyroid because I had classic hyperthyroid symptoms. When my cycle finally returned to normal, the symptoms finally went away. I will never ever be skeptical of PPD and I always look out for new moms. I asked my OB why I got it and I had no issues with my others and she said, “The biggest risk factor for having PPD is having a baby.” I would like more children, but I am scared to death of going thru that again.
I almost had my second baby in the car. 🙂
susanne
April 30, 2013 at 9:21 pmMy friend had PPD with her first. It was an emergency c-section. She said that her doctor told her that sometimes women can be more prone to PPD if they have an unpleasant birth. My 4th was not good. I had an epidural that didn’t work. The anesthesiologist stuck it in the wrong space and I had a spinal headache. It was horrible pain and would not go away until he did a blood patch (draw a bunch of blood from you and reinject it into your spinal column to correct the imbalance in pressure). Yah, I’m a nurse and I had never heard of that procedure. The poor anesthesiologist said that it was only the second time in his career that he had misplaced an epidural into the spinal space. Ugh! I was already having the horrible flu-like symptoms and I was just a wreck with the headache and bloodpatch procedure.
BTW, I never had birth plans. When the doctor asks me, I just say, “to have a baby and us both live.” 😉
Nicole
May 1, 2013 at 10:31 amI like that you are pointing out the risk of idealizing a birth. I am currently planning for the arrival of our fourth baby this summer. I have had three very different birth experiences, none of them easy or “storybook.” I like the birth plan process as a way to identify priorities, and as part of the process of learning of possible challenges and how we may want to react to them before we are “in the heat of the moment” to make a quick decision. (I think this helped me in the two unplanned c-sections we had).
I am so sorry that women feel they have failed or been pressured. This post has made me aware so that I can avoid making that impression on others. That was a lovely thing to say about God’s plan of having your husband at home. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your birth story.
becky
May 2, 2013 at 2:10 pmI relate to the tendency to measure success as a mother by birth experiences. I totally did this but in my case, when everything went as planned all 4 times, I had much pride and little sympathy for those who had complicated pregnancies and births or ended up bottle-feeding their babies. I was a very gung-ho homebirther and had big babies (ranged from 9.14-11.9) with no complications (no gestational diabetes–big babies run in my husband’s family). You can just imagine the astonished comments I got about all this (and still do sometimes!) Anyway, I looked at pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding (not to mention the rest of my life!) as a formula: you do the right things (homebirth with a midwife, herbs, good nutrition, exercise, etc) and you’ll get a good result.
HA! I now know better and when people are curious about my home births or want advice, I rarely recommend home birth (though I’m certainly not against it, and I wish it were a more accepted, safe option). Usually I truthfully describe my home birthing self as young, naive, and lucky and I try to explain how insignificant my children’s births seem now that they are ages 7-14. I think it’s important to get this point of view across to the young moms who are in the trenches, feeling like birth/baby decisions are terribly important with huge consequences.
Love this definition:
And from the article:
I’m planning a baby shower for a friend this summer and part of me wants to utilize Pinterest and part of me is afraid of it! I have a tendency to go overboard on things like this if I let myself (and I completely stress myself out in the process and regret that I even volunteered to do it!) I usually find it easier on myself to just stay off of Pinterest and Facebook for the most part and be blissfully ignorant about what other people are doing.
Sallie
May 3, 2013 at 7:31 pmSusanne – Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I am sure God will give you many opportunities to encourage other new moms. You’ve walked through some tough times and can certainly empathize with others who are suffering.
Sallie
May 3, 2013 at 7:36 pmNicole – I agree that developing a birth plan can be a good thing if it helps the woman/couple think through all the possibilities. Oftentimes, though, I don’t think this his the case. I do think it becomes more this idealized fantasy about how I am going to control every aspect of my birth so I can do it just the way I’ve dreamed about/read about/etc.
I remember when I was reading c-section stories before I had mine there were SO MANY women who were not prepared for a c-section and then had to have one because something went wrong. Story after story after story of women who were so confident they would have a normal birth that they never considered what would happen if it didn’t work out that way. They were not prepared emotionally or mentally for what happened to them. I think every woman should make peace with the fact that it could happen. Will it happen for most of them? No, probably not. But no woman should go into a birth feeling like she’s a failure afterwards if she ends up with a c-section.
Sallie
May 3, 2013 at 7:40 pmBecky – Thank you for being honest about your experiences and changing attitudes! It’s funny how we can think we have it all figured out and then God sends us the coworker/child/neighbor/whoever who totally throws us for a loop and we realize that we’re not totally awesome and in control! LOL!
And I agree that the birth is just so insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It would be interesting to know the percentage of women who have the “perfect” birth where everything goes well, the baby breastfeeds with no problem, and the mother recovers quickly and well. I would bet the percentage is small and yet that is the idealized story women are constantly fed.
Lindsey
May 3, 2013 at 8:52 pmDon’t know how I missed this post – but it was a good one Sallie!
I suffered from PPD after my 1st and 3rd. (there was no time after the 2nd, I was already pregnant again by the time she was 3 months old!) It is a really tough thing and is filled with lots of stigma. I share my experience as much as I can so I can hopefully help others.
My PPD turned into full-blown chemical depression after awhile and I suffered for YEARS. I am finally (now 9 years postpartum) in a good place the past two years or so.
Sallie
May 9, 2013 at 7:27 pmThanks, Lindsey! I’m so glad you are doing better. 🙂