Overcoming Homeschool Stress

Two things generally happen when I look at homeschool curriculum websites, articles, and catalogs with the idea of choosing homeschool curriculum.

My eyes glaze over.

My brain wants to shut down.

Seriously.

Choosing Homeschool Curriculum

Choosing homeschool curriculum is often a contributing factor to homeschool stress. I think there are a number of reasons for that.

• It’s often expensive so we don’t want to make a costly mistake.
• There are so many choices it is overwhelming.
• We don’t want to mess up our child’s education and teach her the wrong things.
• We feel pressure from friends, family, and other homeschoolers to do school a certain way.
• It’s tempting to get sucked into the newest and hottest thing.

I do think it is possible to greatly reduce the amount of stress related to choosing curriculum if we adjust our mindset a bit.

Homeschool Curriculum Choices

First, accept the fact that you are going to waste money. You are. So cut yourself some slack from the start and accept that NOBODY makes perfect curriculum choices every time, every year. It happens to all of us.

The second is this bit of wisdom from a veteran homeschool mom. I’ve linked to this many times since she wrote it in 2007, but it is so true. Anna at Pleasant View Schoolhouse wrote in Homeschooling Heresies:

Curriculum doesn’t matter. I don’t care what I use to teach my children. Give me something, and I will make it work. I am deeply wary of the desire for perfect teaching materials, and I view the search for the magic bullet curriculum as a time and money pit. Because at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that you sat down with your child and together engaged in mastering an idea.

If you aren’t familiar with Anna and her children… I would say her approach has worked out very well for their family eight years later. Don’t miss the rest of that post.

So how do we reduce the stress of choosing curriculum? Here are a few suggestions.

Adapting Homeschool Curriculum

When classroom teachers are given curriculum, they adapt is as they see fit for their students. Unless their school district is incredibly rigid, teachers take what they are given and do what works for them. They never use it as it is written. (Often they don’t even LIKE what they’ve been given!)

That’s what we should do as homeschool moms as well. As Anna said in her post, adapt rather than buy different. If you discover you’ve purchased curriculum and it isn’t working, ask yourself why. Ask your child why. You may be able to continue to use it but in a modified fashion. Sometimes it might truly be something that you cannot salvage, but oftentimes you can.

Get Rid of Homeschool Curriculum

If you can’t figure out a way to adapt it to make it work, get rid of it. It’s not worth the stress and conflict. You would be better off printing free worksheets from the internet for a few months than trying to use something that isn’t ever going to work. For example, I bought Life of Fred to try with Caroline after reading how many children who are wired like her love it. She hated it. Flat out rejected it. If you’ve ever seen it, you know there really isn’t any way to adapt it. Chalk it up to a loss and move on.

Work With Your Child’s Natural Bent

Be sure to work with your child’s natural bent. I’ve said it before, but my learning style and Caroline’s are different in many ways. It really doesn’t matter what I like. I have to work with her natural bent. I have to figure out how to work with who she is and plan to accommodate her needs.

So seek to understand your child and then choose. If you are choosing based on your school experiences or what you think a “good homeschooler” should do, then you may end up with curriculum that doesn’t work for your child. We all choose to homeschool so we can give our children the education they need. The way we do that best is by working with who our child is whether it is his personality type or his age-specific needs.

Keep Homeschooling Simple and Be Realistic

Keep it simple because less is more.

We all start off the year with these grandiose plans about how much we are going to accomplish. The reality is most of us are biting off way more than we can chew. Then we feel guilty for not using the things we so carefully purchased which leads to more guilt. Instead of trying to cram in as much as possible, how about trying to do the minimum and open up more play time for your child?

Have clear and realistic goals.

If you don’t know what you are trying to accomplish,it is going to be hard to select curriculum that will get you there. Don’t worry about the goals of other families in real life or online. The only family that matters is yours. Set clear and realistic goals and then find the materials that will help you achieve those goals.

Be realistic about your own limitations.

You know what classroom teachers lament? There isn’t enough time. You know what homeschool parents lament? There isn’t enough time. No teacher can meet the needs of every student. And you know what? You can’t meet every perceived academic need of your child. You really can’t. You have to choose where you are going to focus your time and energy. Just like every child who graduates from traditional school has holes in his/her education, so will your child. That’s just reality. No one does it all. No school system does and no homeschool mom will either. If you think you can find curriculum so your child’s education has no holes, you will slowly drive yourself insane. Seriously.

So as you decide on curriculum for the upcoming year or try to figure out what to do with the mess you currently find yourself facing, remember that choosing curriculum is a problem that can be solved. You can make changes. And you will find an answer!

Several years ago I became aware of the idea of age disequilibrium. It answered many of my questions regarding how a child’s behavior could change so drastically over the period of a few months. I wrote at one point about my perplexity with the half year disequilibrium at three and a half years. If you aren’t familiar with these concepts, then you can see this explanation of the roller coaster of equilibrium and disequilibrium.

Child Development and Age Disequilibrium

It is unfortunate that every expectant parent isn’t required to study child development and topics like this. I think many problems could be avoided, especially for parents who truly have no idea about the different stages of childhood. I had a good working knowledge as an educator and even then that was not enough.

Although there are general time frames, every child goes through the stages at his or her own individual pace so you have to learn to observe and read your child. For example, one thing I noticed over time is that Caroline did not hit the stages at the six months on and off exactly. She seemed to hit the next stage about two months ahead of time.

Age Disequilibrium and Homeschooling

So what does this have to do with stress in homechooling? It could have a great deal to do with it depending on your child’s birthday and your school year flow.

For example, let’s say it is the start of school and your child is hitting a disequilibrium stage or is already in the midst of it. Here is the dedicated homechool mom trying to get the school year off to a great start. Here is her child entering a huge developmental change which entails lots of angst, emotions, rigidity, etc.

Can you say recipe for conflict and stress?

Mom feels like the child is uncooperative and disobedient. The child feels out of sorts and probably doesn’t even fully understand what is going on in his body. This is the kind of situation that will cause a lot of stress for mom. It may even make mom hate homeschooling and want to quit.

Age Disequilibrium + First Year of Homeschooling = Major Challenges

So what if your first year of homeschooling coincides with your child’s year of disequilibrium?

Whoa.

Can you imagine? If you look at the stages of development chart here, imagine you start homeschooling in kindergarten. Are you starting kindergarten with a child who is happily in equilibrium from 5 – 5.5 or are you starting with a kindergartner who is in disequilibrium from 5.5 – 6? Can you see how that could make a tremendous difference in how homeschooling goes?

Or what if after a couple of years of traditional school you decide to homeschool. So you bring home your seven year old child to start homeschooling in second grade. Except year seven is an entire year of disequilibrium. And lucky you if your child’s birthday coincides with roughly the start of school.

So not only are you trying to deschool and adjust to homeschooling, your child is also going through a major period of disequilibrium.

Can you see how that could contribute to homeschooling stress?

Homeschooling During Age Disequilibrium

There have been times when I could discern Caroline was going through a period of disequilibrium and I just said forget it. If she’s already dealing with growth stuff, I’m not going to pour gasoline on the fire and push her in other ways. Disequilibrium is not the time to decide you are going to double-down on the academics and get caught up. You might be lucky to just get the minimum done.

The trade-off was when Caroline was in equilibrium, we could get so much more done. She was much more cooperative and eager to learn. Honestly, it is easier to coast for a month or two when the disequilibrium is at its worst and make up for it later on when the child is better able to handle it.

Obviously the more children you have the more challenging it is going to be to adjust your homeschooling to their periods of disequilibrium. But if you can be aware of how these times of growth and change are impacting your child, you can at least make some adjustments with your academic expectations. And if for some reason you truly have to keep a rigid schedule, just remember that the way your child is acting has far more to do with what is happening physically, mentally and emotionally than it does with you. The Center for Parenting Education points this out specifically:

Try not to blame your child for being more sensitive or less flexible during periods of disequilibrium. They are not “acting that way on purpose” and are not “out to get you”.

It’s really important to not take it personally even though it might feel very personal at times.

This goes double for the mom who is also in the role of homeschooler/teacher.

Wanting to Quit

I wrote a post about 5 Reasons Not to Quit after Your First Year of Homeschooling. There are so many challenges and adjustments to make that first year. I think it’s especially true if you have been through a tough year of homeschooling AND your child was in disequilibrium.

If the stress of homeschooling makes you want to quit, try to step back and look at the big picture. See if developmental spurts might be contributing to the stress and then come up with a plan to adjust your year or expectations accordingly.