We recently went to a church event where Caroline (unfortunately) ended up being the only child present. We had every reason to expect that there would be many children there, but it didn’t work out that way. Instead we were in a home filled with about twenty adults and Caroline. She was obviously disappointed, but managed pretty well given the situation. (The presence of make your own ice cream sundaes helped!) We stayed for a short time and then left sooner than we originally expected. As we were leaving, I heard someone say something about Caroline being shy.
I confess I always struggle with feeling slightly defensive when that happens.
I kept going and didn’t say anything. I wasn’t going to correct another adult in front of Caroline. But I really dislike it when people label children “shy” right in front of them.
I also dislike it when people label my child shy because she isn’t. If they had the opportunity to spend a little time with her in a less threatening environment, they would see that for themselves. But because a six year old child is a bit reserved and on the quiet side while surrounded by twenty adults she doesn’t know she’s shy?
The Highly Sensitive Child
Just this morning I was reading online from the start of The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them
I guess God was preparing me before I went over to Karen’s site and saw this video.
The Selfish Sin of Shyness
Voddie Bauchum is explaining the selfish sin of shyness, why spanking regularly is a biblical imperative, and why adults are sinning if they tell a child it is okay not to shake hands with them. Honestly, it is hard to listen to him say some of this, but please take a few minutes and listen to it.
There is so much that is disturbing in that video I hardly know where to begin. But here’s two direct quotes that not only are disturbing, they aren’t even biblically accurate.
- “You need to pay more attention to me than I pay to you.” (Said by the parent to the child)
- “The world doesn’t revolve around you. Your world revolves around me.” (Funny, I thought our world was supposed to revolve around Christ.)
Where Does The Bible Say Shyness Is A Sin?
Can anyone point to the passage of Scripture where it says that being shy is a sin? Where does it say that a child should shake hands and exchange pleasantries with any random adult who extends a hand? I don’t remember such a place. Where does it say in Scripture that a six year old child should be eager to shake hands with any strange man who walks up to her?
My heart breaks for the sensitive children whose parents listen to this man and take it to heart. As I said in a comment on Karen’s blog, if we had followed his advice with Caroline and spanked her relentlessly until she decided she didn’t want any more… Our family relationships would be completely ruined. We spanked her a couple of times before the age of three or so and stopped. To this day (and even while typing this) I feel sick to my stomach when I think about it.
Spanking is easy. Showing you have power over a child by hitting them all day or five times before breakfast is easy. Demanding that they see you as the center of the universe is easy. But don’t be surprised when you get terrible long-term results.
The Overwhelming Benefits Of Studying Your Child
Studying your child and trying to figure her out is hard work. Observing your child and asking God to give you insights into what makes her tick is hard work. Choosing to be patient and long-suffering when she acts up because she can’t verbally express what she is feeling is hard work. Looking for patterns of behavior that help you understand what impacts her the most is hard work. But don’t be surprised when God honors your desire to love your child and lay your life down for your child and gives you a loving home full of joy.
Dear God, please protect the sweet children of the people who listen to this man.
(Edited to add: Please note that the comments include a great deal of additional content.)
Sallie, thank you for addressing this problem. It certainly isn’t just Baucham who teaches this and I think many young people have been deeply hurt by parents trying to make them something God never intended them to be. I know I regret some of the pushing and pulling I have done as a father in this regard. I had to learn that my children were not me and were certainly not who I wanted to be. It wasn’t fair to them.
In my perspective, the goal of Christian parenting is not to make our children conform to some standard, but to lead them to Jesus who will make of them what He wants. Our joy is in watching His creativity and their response.
Lauren you worry me when you say that you’give grace when needed to a child’.Christ died on the cross for us all, for our sins, not just adults. Grace is for us all all of the time not just adults. Grace is ALWAYS needed! Indeed required. Jesus never told us to spank or otherwise hurt children he actually warned us against hurting them and causing them to stumble. Hitting them will certainly cause them to stumble. He told us to become as little children so I hardly feel that He would say this if being a child was so’ bad’ ! Hitting children is far from being godly, patient and kind. Only by demonstrating God’s love, patience and grace with children can they be expected to be so themselves. Satan is an artful liar and has lied to many gullible and hard working parents making them believe that hitting their child is Biblical when nothing further is from our Father’s mind and plans. Love does not hurt. Love is patient and kind and doesn’t bring up old ‘crimes’, love never ends.
Ephesians 6:4 says it plainly: And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
blessedbyautism – Excellent point.
Some of the sentiments expressed about shyness, sin and spanking really concern me.
I was horrifically beaten as a child, and frequently. This was in part “to toughen me up”, but also because I was supposedly misbehaving. It had the complete opposite effect on me. I became very shy, withdrawn, easily frightened and would not fight. My parents did not seem to understand that they were the cause of all of this. They taught me all too well that any sort of resistance was instantly reason enough for severe pain, usually that lasted for more than a week the beatings were so bad.
So if someone was to consider being shy was a sin, then they should consider if they are the cause of it by overbearing in some way. For many children (assuming they still believe shyness is a sin), then it might well be them that are the sinners and not the child.
I just heard of this man yesterday. One of Voddie’s books is being promoted at a local church near me which I do not attend. One great big detail about Voddie is that he preaches another gospel, a gospel that does not and cannot save anyone. His books are for depraved men and woman whom for the most part use books and teaching methods of men instead of the Bible which is sufficient for all man kind. I don’t know you, I just searched on line to get information on him. I watched a short video see here which you posted: https://vimeo.com/60811182 and it was terrifying. For one I was raised in a fatherless home by an abusive parent who beat us. She married a man when I was 8 ish who was in a Seventh Day Adventist cult. She was only married to him long enough to get pregnant and save up money to leave which was about 8 months. I have 2 sisters from 2 different men, and my so called father I never met. She continued making us attend Seventh Day Adventist churches though she was a new ager. The shy child was me. I was shy because I was abused and scared of everyone! I told a teacher of my abuse and the teacher told my mom! Scholars are the problem! They only know what they are taught in their seminaries. Most churches now are apostate, they are Calvinist, neo Calvinist, or Calvinist something else. They are ecumenical, and they love the new apostles and prophets, programs and Hillsong. I am a 61 year old woman, and I did not get saved until I was in my late 40’s. How did I get saved? I read John 3 by the encouragement of a woman who left her Catholic Church. As with Nicodemus the Lord said, “you must be born again”. Calvinist’s hate this: ‘For God so loved the WORLD that he gave his only begotten son that WHOSOEVER believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life.’ John 3:16. I called on the Lord to save me, and that is what is missing today! Voddie says that is not the gospel! Voddie says 1 Corinthians 15:1-4 is not the gospel. His gospel is is accursed (Galatians 1:6-9 KJV). How do we get saved? Through Love or abuse? Does Jesus beat us into salvation, or does he love us into salvation? You know the answer. Jesus did everything, and we are capable of free will. Voddie is an abusive heavy shepherd and I feel sorry for his children and wife! He is a big man, and as a child he would scare me to death!…But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” Matthew 17:6.