The past five months or so have been one of the most intense periods I’ve been through in a long time. Intense in different ways than other times I’ve experienced in my life and so they have also been draining in different ways.
Here’s a fact that will give you a glimpse of what life has been like. Last week we finally celebrated Christmas with David’s parents. Yes, in the middle of March. We only live about 45 minutes away from each other.
I am craving normality, whatever that is. I am craving a rhythm that I seem unable to establish right now for many reasons beyond my control. Most of the things impacting my life involve a variety of other people and these are not my stories to tell. I can only keep walking forward as I try to adjust to the various things going on around me.
In the midst of it, I’ve lost most of my ability to care about the needs of others beyond my own home. There’s just not much left to give. I try to do my best to care for my husband and daughter. After that? There’s not much there. It’s like there is a wall around my heart with a sign that says, “I’ve got nothing left to give.”
I have long made it a policy to not blog while angry or feeling down because I know from previous experience that I usually regret it. Every day I think of many things I could write or say here, but I’m usually too mentally tired to put forth the effort it takes to write something that seems worthwhile. And to be really honest, a lot of the time it feels like if I write it either really won’t matter or I’ll simply lose more readers because people are so maxed out that they have almost no tolerance for anything that is uncomfortable in any way.
And the irony is not lost on me that right around the time I switched my website tagline to being a happy warrior for Christ I have felt like anything but that. Among all the other things that have been going on, our family has been under sustained spiritual attack for many months. It’s exhausting and we really don’t have anyone in real life to share the burden with which makes it even more difficult. I told a friend I was chatting with online last week that I just wanted to walk away from everything and be done. She said she had just had a similar conversation with someone else only an hour before. I think there is a lot of that going around.
So that’s life for me right now. I almost feel badly posting this because it feels so heavy. Maybe it is yet another post that really won’t matter. I don’t know. I simply felt finally like saying something tonight. Maybe someone else will read this someday and feel less alone.